My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

That's unforgivable isn't it. He's undermined your wish to have a family and made it harder for you do it.

I also think people are vastly overblowing your comment about one child being as sad as having none. It's clearly in the context of having always wanted a bigger family. She wanted children, plural, and he's made that even more difficult than having one.

For all his faults, the DH in this case is not ‘cruelly denying’ the OP children. No one is owed or entitled to children.

As for the proposed reproductive coercion, that would make OP as bad as her DH- both utterly selfish. Imagine bringing an innocent child into such a shitshow!

How do you explain to the child why their dad doesn’t want to know them?

Do you expect CMS from someone you tricked?

Do you lie and say you don’t know who their father is? Only for them to inevitably find out their their mum and whole family have kept this huge secret from them?

It’s not just one morally questionable decision. It’s a lifetime of them.

Don't expect him to change his mind and definitely don't deliberately get pregnant hoping he'll fall in love with parenthood. That way lies misery. I think you need to decide whether you stick with the man you're madly in love with (assuming everything else is good about the relationship) or you leave him and either hope to meet someone else you love just as much or you look at other options and go it alone as a single parent. Just to say, the latter option is tough going - both emotionally and financially.

How did it not work out in her favour? Presumably she now has a much-loved child and she'll always have him or her, unlike relationships, which have a very unfortunate tendency to come and go.

Late to the thread but agree with everyone that this is a terrible betrayal.

You need to act decisively now and personally I would look at IVF using donor sperm rather than ultimatums or worse. In your shoes I would want to conceive with practically any other man on earth except him. If this is how much value he places on your needs and desires, I dread to think how awful co-parenting with him would be.

Good luck. I had a baby at 38. All is not lost but don't give any more time to this man. He's already robbed you of your most fertile years, the coward.

OP married her husband on the understanding that there would be children, that this was the path that they both wanted. OP's husband has moved that goalpost continually. This isn't the case that they tried and were unable. That's not marriage.

Your post is unbelievably smug and not without a bit of spite too. Very obviously.

I completely agree. Toss that contraception quietly and get pregnant. He has had years to get a vasectomy, and this is the most reliable way for you to have a child now, given your age.

It's all very well for other people to say split up or use donor sperm or wait for the perfect circs. If you take the virtuous route there's a very serious possibility that you will never be a mum. You won't be a mum but you will have the warm glow of being virtuous to bring you joy for the rest of your life - not. 🙄

You know this man and are married to him. At least you will know your kid's dad. And who cares if the marriage doesn't survive. You'll have your child, and since he hasn't been a definite no, maybe he'll love it and you'll get to have two.

You have always been honest with him about your desire to have kids and he hasn't had your best interests at heart. It's you or him now, and I'd choose you.

Married men who are very aware of their wives' desire to have kids and don't get a vasectomy or use condoms should stop whining when babies come along. It's natural and they are a blessing. And they don't have to do pregnancy or birth; if they don't want anything to do with the kid, all they have to do is contribute some child support, which isn't that much. It is in no way the same as getting a woman pregnant without her consent.

I have no sympathy for him whatsoever after what he did to you.

Dump the contraception, get some sexy lingerie and a bottle of wine. More fool him for not getting the snip.

Really? I wasn’t aware such an ‘agreement’ was somehow cast in stone? Wanting a child is just as, for want of a better word, selfish as not wanting one. The DH clearly doesn’t want DC so if she does, time to walk away. Not ultimatums or anything as foul as reproductive coercion.

How is it ‘smug’ or spiteful to point out the folly of bringing an innocent child into a failing marriage, which will end in nasty recriminations (especially if there is an ‘accident’) with the poor mite caught in the middle?

I completely agree. Toss that contraception quietly and get pregnant.

This ^^ is terrible advice

I had a lot of sympathy reading this, until I got to this line: to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

Not only is this incredibly offensive, it's ridiculous. Take it from someone who went from being the mother of no children to the mother of one child, and so who actually knows what they are talking about.

That is how OP feels and how you think you understand it is of no relevance to her. I feel very sorry for the OP that she posted that because posters have leapt on it without any nuance or understanding of her position (not yours/theirs).

If you don't have sympathy then you don't but to just post to say that is unkind for the sake of it.

Why is all this on the OP? The man married a woman who was clear beforehand how much she wanted children, and he uses no contraception and has no compunction about running down her fertility rather than letting her go in time to find someone else. I hope he has triplets.

How do you explain to the child why their dad doesn’t want to know them? Why does the OP have to explain this bad behaviour? If he doesn't want to know his own kid, that's his shame, not hers. Also, you don't know that he won't want to know them. He might adore them.

Do you expect CMS from someone you tricked? Of course. Why not? Would her child be any less deserving of financial support than any other child? They are a married couple and he could have had the snip.

Do you lie and say you don’t know who their father is? Only for them to inevitably find out their mum and whole family have kept this huge secret from them? Why on earth would she lie about who the father is, if she has kids with her husband???

It’s not just one morally questionable decision. It’s a lifetime of them. Oh, puh-leeze. Half the people in the world are oops! babies, and most of the time, the dad ends up loving them. I've heard so many male friends say that they weren't that bothered but went along with it for their wives, and then adored the baby. I have no sympathy for married men who don't use contraception and then act as if a meteor slammed into their house when their wives get pregnant. Poor little things, having the blessing of a child and not having to do anything to get it except have sex.

Many men choose not to control their fertility. That is their decision.

Shame on you to those who suggest OP should covertly stop contraception.
You are the equivalent of male rapists.

It's not, it's extremely practical. He has chosen not to control his fertility and is sleeping with his wife, who has always wanted kids, without using contraception. Maybe he doesn't know where babies come from? No sympathy for him whatsoever.

Your idea of expedience is very disturbing.

How do you know he isn’t using contraception? Would your advice extend to sabotaging condoms?

Well without going into the particulars of it she doesn’t have custody of our child I do. Once her attempts at lying and deception were exposed it gave me all the information I needed as to the sort of person I was dealing with. I proceeded on that basis and that understanding.

Very long story short I’m not like the OP’s husband at all. I take parenthood extremely seriously. I’ve always wanted kids (I suspect that was one of the reasons she thought she could finesse the situation). After many years of successful co-parenting, and I must give her credit she did allow me to be very involved in the early years.

However our parenting styles are very different so very sadly we ended up in court, the upshot of it was I have our child full time. So I emphasise again in the strongest possible terms we should be avoiding having children with people with wildly
different values than our own and both parents being 100% enthusiastically consenting.

I guess hundreds and hundreds of millions of women in the world are rapists then! Any idea how many people are oops babies? It's about half!

And your statement is ridiculous. Of course it's not the same. There is zero effect on the man's body, health, earning ability or independence if he gets his wife pregnant. In this case, he is actively choosing to forgo control of his fertility. He has a free choice whether to have sex or not. He has a free choice whether to use temporary or permanent contraception or not. To compare an oops baby to being held down and forcibly penetrated and forcibly impregnated is disgusting and so disrespectful to rape victims.

You know what's the equivalent to female rape? Male rape. Not an oops baby.

Easy for you to say, you already have a kid.

And if your kid hadn't been an oops baby, they wouldn't exist. Surely that's a terrible thought?

Don't be ridiculous.

Men who don't want children should refuse to have sex without a condom.

And if their female partners do want children, they should refuse to have sex with one.

The OP's husband has wasted her best years with his false promises and your take is "the OP is equivalent to a rapist if she doesn't take responsibility for preventing a pregnancy she wants but he doesn't"? Shame on you.

I’m broadly on your side, BUT it’s not a 1:1 comparison with rape. Maybe they are both consent violations, but speaking as a man who is living through having had this happen there are so many divergent factors. What happened to me was a psychological deception, but there was so sense of physical threat from disparities in our physiology.

In addition there was no strain put on my body as a male from the consequences of bringing a baby to term. That is something only ever born by mothers, so there is another pretty major divergence there.

Thank you, and I mean it for thinking about men in my position, but I think there are a whole host of additional factors that go into rape that I wouldn’t want being missed by lumping any and all consent violations under the same umbrella and calling it rape.

No, I wouldn't sabotage a condom, because he would be taking responsibility for his fertility. If he had used condoms all along, he would have been signalling to OP that he didn't want kids, and she could have used that information to move on years ago. Instead, he's just strung her along until her clock runs out. If he doesn't want kids, he needs to use contraception, whether condoms or the snip.

He has well and truly backed OP into a corner. And you know what all animals do when backed into a corner, including humans? They bite. Human bites might come in the form of consequences instead of actual bites, but the principle's the same.

No sympathy for this man whatsoever.

As if having a baby is the worst thing that can happen to a man! They are such a blessing. He should be grateful that someone wants his. And you're easily disturbed. Billions of people are oops babies. Are you saying it would be better if they hadn't been born? I find that highly disturbing.

The drama.

Not even remotely similar love.

Did you use a condom, out of interest?

That sounds ominous. What do you mean?