School Holidays, what’s the answer?

[HoliHelp]

DD1 started school in Sept, DD2 is in the attached pre-school.

DH works full time with a 1.5 hour commute and 5 weeks holiday.

I’m self-employed, working 4 days a week from home, very flexible but have to be around for meetings and meet my deadlines.

For the first 3 lots of school holiday each week we’ve used holiday club on 2 days which only runs from 9-3, my standard day off is fine, then 2 days of just juggling it popping into grandparents for an hour or so if I have a call I need to join. Then the 15-20 hours odd that I’m short I’m making up in the evenings and weekends.

DH has taken one day off per school holiday for a family day out. As he’s worried about running out of holiday, we usually use 2 weeks for visiting family, 1.5 week for a holiday, leaving around 5-10 days for anything else (he’s expected to book holiday for sports day, Christmas play, etc).

Im completely worn out and drowning. My work is being impacted, my mothering is being impacted, my marriage is being impacted. I feel like no one is getting the best of me and I’m trying into an awful person.

Is there some sort of magic solution I’ve not thought of? Or just some solidarity to help and pick me up a little?

To avoid drip feed and ‘more holiday club’ suggestions: DD1 is physically disabled, we are VERY lucky that her support worker at school works at a holiday club 1-2 days a week so they’ll have her on those days only. They cannot accommodate her needs on the other days.

Can your DH buy more holiday?
And personally I wouldn't waste any of his on things like sports day/assemblies because you'll need it all for the school holidays
It is really tough when holiday provision is lacking

Your DH should use a couple of weeks of unpaid parental leave. It needs to be booked in advance in blocks of one week.

The first thing I thought of was a term time contract for one of you, then saw you are self employed. If your DD is disabled, I can't see what other option you have?

Unpaid parental leave I agree is the only way to go
It's blocks of a week but I think you can take it on days with a disabled child.
I too drowned for years when mine were small. In hindsight, I wish I had made it more of a dh problem and I had used unpaid leave.
My top tip is to plan for every day of school hols at the start of every year. I did not have disabled child so I literally booked everything in. As it looks like you have some grandparent help, it might be worth broaching the subject and understanding if they can help, what that looks like.

No option to by extra holiday

But @Sinkintotheswamp might be onto something with unpaid parental leave, not that I can imagine DH being keen as he’s very conscious of ‘showing face’ at work

Unpaid parental leave is also tax efficient. Employers more likely to prefer a planned predictable break than you burning out and him having to take emergency leave.
We were lucky enough to find a local nanny phasing into retirement who was amazing with ours and very flexible, but it was pure luck.

I would suggest parental leave. You are entitled to 4 weeks per year per child, up to a maximum of 18 weeks per child. You can take as single days for children with disabilities or if your employer agrees

I think in most scenarios that is the dream set up. The idea of me going self employed was to try and work term time only. But in reality that’s impossible to schedule, as I can’t turn down a 8 week contract cos of 1-2weeks of half term.

Although I know this would make the now easier. I’d have to have a huge career (and salary) change which would impact me for the rest of my life. So I’m reluctant.

Although this was 15+ years ago we explored various holiday clubs over the years and a lot of them are only school hours, so even if you were in the position to shop around for holiday clubs I am not sure you would have some success.
We only had one local which was 8-5, this was at our local softplay but that was very expensive (although we didnt have much choice).

Dh worked shifts at the weekend so he didnt have to work all the week days, which meant we only required childcare for 2-3 days per week. The days DH was working we used holiday clubs but also some childcare swaps with a couple of close friends and my teenage niece also did some childminding. I took some annual leave to take my DD on holiday to my parents.

I’d always just assumed that parental leave had to be used when your children were babies!

Because of the nature of his work, I highly doubt DHs company would approve him a block of 1-2weeks off throughout the year.

But seeing as DD is in receipt of DLA, he could possibly request 1 day a week for each of the longer school holidays. It wouldn’t have a huge impact on his pay or his work but would help to take the weight off me a little.

I would look for the one day solutions each week like you’ve said. Any chance of a play date to help out?

I’m not sure anyone would have her for a play date at the moment because of the care. It’s a lot to ask of another parent.

Maybe down the line when she becomes a little more independent, but I can’t see that happening for at least another 2-3 years.

You need to read up on parental leave, they are 100% legally obliged to honour it. Even one week in the summer would be extremely beneficial to you. You also need to remind your DH that you have taken the hit to your career already, this is the least he can do. His work will be unaffected, they will love to be seen as the company who honours the dad of a child with extra needs and doubtless he will soon feature on their HR newsletter etc. If they are tougher than that, realistically they won’t want to be seen as the company that DON’T help the father of a child taking ONE of the EIGHT weeks he is 100% entitled by UK law to take.

https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

The reality is this is unsustainable for you to work this much. You will continue to get more knackered until you absolutely burn out.

It's just reality that with a child with a disability needs more care, so full time working for both of you isn't an option.

And why is it all landing on you? Is it because he earns more, you're wfh, or because you're a woman and thus the default parent?

Because of the nature of his work, I highly doubt DHs company would approve him a block of 1-2weeks off throughout the year.

Tough. They have to don't they?

And - is it the nature of his work or is it because he is male?

Maybe knock the family day out once a week on the head, if DH can take one day per week, then make that the day you work the most. Doesn't seem any point in you both taking the same day off when you need the childcare. Maybe DH could add another day in here and there too. Would grandparents be willing to do a full day in the holidays?

Agree that DH taking time off to look after DD while you're working in the holidays is better use of his AL than both of you attending sports days and assemblies.

Can you reduce the two weeks that are used for visiting family?

Push back on his reluctance to take unpaid leave. Why does he get relative freedom and career impact from parental responsibilities while you're worn out and drowning trying to do his share as well as your own?

He should take 1 to 2 weeks of unpaid parental leave each year but see if there are any extra allowances or flexibilities on account of DDs disability.

I think priority for A/L needs to shift to covering DD's hols. We tag teamed and only had very little time off together for a few years when DC were little. As PP say I had a full year planned out in a spreadsheet.

Childcare options can be hard to find. Look on your Local Offer to see if there are any holiday schemes specifically for disabled children. An outward bound YMCA centre near us has a buddy scheme where disabled children get a 1:1 enabling them to access it. When they are little, nurseries and term time wraparound childcare are worth a try. They often don't need to advertise and they get booked up.

I have always tried not to worry too much about the cost of holiday childcare. However unaffordable it sounds per day, it's likely to work out vastly cheaper than nursery did across the whole year. Think about the annual cost, not the daily cost. Even if you are working at a loss every day she's in childcare, by maintaining your job you are quids in over the year. Having a parent at home is the best form of childcare, but it is also often the most expensive if you factor in hidden costs. Especially if you end up working half the night and burning out.

You could look into childminders and nannies - ring a nanny agency perhaps. Your daughter's disability does make it significantly harder to find true 8-6 childcare IME and as you have found 9-3 can be difficult.

Another thing that has worked well for us is childcare swaps with other parents. You take both children one day, they take both another. Not something we've been able to do with our disabled child though.

What about employing someone in your home to support?

You then have the added bonus of any equipment your DD needs being there.

Local colleges will advertise to their childcare students usually and they are always keen to make an extra buck!

When I was student I supported families during holidays which then led me into work.

Does DD1 have an EHCP? Would
you be entitled to a personal assistant with your personal budget? I haven’t done it myself but have heard of other families using this. Look at your local offer to see if there are any other services you may be eligible to use.

He needs to step up more, pure and simple. Beware becoming the default parent, it is not going to get any easier as the kids grow up.

Figure out what the number of days required to cover holidays and split it. His choice as to how to manage it whether buying extra leave or taking unpaid. Don't stop working.

In most offices, no one has a clue if you have extra leave. Who can be arsed to track it. A colleague takes August off every year unpaid to look after her kids, no-one bats an eyelid.

When dd was 13 she 'babysat' our neighbours children, whilst their mum worked from home upstairs. So she basically just kept them entertained as much as she could, but the mum was always there. Mum did their food etc. Dd said she ended up looking after them 45 mins in every hour. They paid her £5 a hour.

Could you pay for the 121 to work a couple of extra days in the holiday club?

If you can't use holiday clubs for a full week, you can't have all of DH's 5 weeks together he is going to need to do a significant portion on his own.

2 weeks to visit family - are they a long way away? Can this be one week or changed to every other year?

1 5 weeks for a family holiday - might need to be 1 week max.

Then DH uses his remaining 10-15 days on his own, while you're working. You might still have a couple of juggling weeks but they'll be far more manageable if you know it is more of a one off.