School Holidays, what’s the answer?

[HoliHelp]

DD1 started school in Sept, DD2 is in the attached pre-school.

DH works full time with a 1.5 hour commute and 5 weeks holiday.

I’m self-employed, working 4 days a week from home, very flexible but have to be around for meetings and meet my deadlines.

For the first 3 lots of school holiday each week we’ve used holiday club on 2 days which only runs from 9-3, my standard day off is fine, then 2 days of just juggling it popping into grandparents for an hour or so if I have a call I need to join. Then the 15-20 hours odd that I’m short I’m making up in the evenings and weekends.

DH has taken one day off per school holiday for a family day out. As he’s worried about running out of holiday, we usually use 2 weeks for visiting family, 1.5 week for a holiday, leaving around 5-10 days for anything else (he’s expected to book holiday for sports day, Christmas play, etc).

Im completely worn out and drowning. My work is being impacted, my mothering is being impacted, my marriage is being impacted. I feel like no one is getting the best of me and I’m trying into an awful person.

Is there some sort of magic solution I’ve not thought of? Or just some solidarity to help and pick me up a little?

To avoid drip feed and ‘more holiday club’ suggestions: DD1 is physically disabled, we are VERY lucky that her support worker at school works at a holiday club 1-2 days a week so they’ll have her on those days only. They cannot accommodate her needs on the other days.

I believe parental leave must be taken in 5 day blocks.

Thank you so much for understand.

DD's school also counts as an independent, it was the only one that would be 100% inclusive for her, including providing wrap around care which is pretty much unheard of for disabled children and the only reason I was able to continue to work.

However because it's privately run it comes the extra 4 weeks of school holidays a year, which as you say are very difficult to fill.

I’m self-employed, working 4 days a week from home, very flexible but have to be around for meetings and meet my deadlines.

The main advantage of true self employment is that you are the boss, so you make your own deadlines, arrange meetings only for when it suits you, and take as much time off as you like.
This sounds like you are doing some kind of contracting, so you have none of the benefits of employment (paid sick pay, maternity, pension etc.) and none of the benefits of truly running your own business.
Could you make your work more like a proper self-employed business? This problem of school holidays is not going away for the next ten years, so think long term.

@yellowsun parents of disabled children can take parental leave in single days rather than the standard one-week blocks.

Not a chance with DD's care needs.

We've tried, and tried. We've even interviewed people for nanny positions and offered them the job only to be ghosted when they realize what they've agreed too.

In all honesty her care is more frustrating than it is complex, it's not rocket science but sometimes she'll need help at the most annoying times or you'll hit a barrier that'll run your plans. But for a lot of people in childcare, I think the thought of looking after a child with a disability scares people so if there is another job available they'll take it.

You've hit the nail on the head. It's somewhere between freelancing and contracting rather than a truly self-employed set up.

I'm contracted for a project that has fixed deadlines which I have little control over. I have flexibility with my hours as long as I meet the deadlines, attend the meetings, and don't inconvenience anyone else on the team.

Unfortunately it has to be that way, as the role I play spans the whole project rather than just a single task. For example I'm more equivalent to a Project Manager than I am to a Graphic Designer.

How often does he have a day off with the kids while you work?

Would going through a specialist nanny agency solve this? GBN have nannies that specifically work with children with disabilities Hire a SEN Nanny - Special Educational Needs Nanny | UK Agency, as do SNapcare Home

Given what you have said about DH's earning potential and the importance of you both nurturing his career, think hard about you doing some other kind of work once your current contract ends.
Either find a term-time only job (rare), or set up a proper part-time business where you control your hours and time off. Do some research on this.

Like I said, this problem is not going away, and it is doubly hard for you to get childcare with a disabled child.

Although it might seem lovely to have the flexibility of your own business it sounds like a double edged sword as you have become default parent.

For me the answer is a) he exercises his statutory right to a week (at least) of unpaid parental leave or b) you stop overlapping so much with your A/L. Or ideally both.

To put in context, DH and I only have 1 week a year off together for a holiday in summer and sometimes a day or two at Christmas. It's just the way it is. And I'm lucky my work is quite flexible but as long as one or other of us is at the school play/sports day that is good enough for me.

If you think less time off together will impact your relationship then its back to the discussion about unpaid leave etc. It doesn't sound like he currently does any solo parenting at all.

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the children with disabilities team for DD? Also look at the local short breaks offer.

Depending on DD’s needs, have you looked at children’s continuing care funding?

Rather than a babysitter, have you considered a PA/carer or a specialist babysitter/nanny?

I ended up giving up work and working very part time at the weekend. No holiday clubs here, a DS with SEN and no family or friends to help meant we just couldn't cope any longer.

Use a local childminder for after school pick up & in the holidays.

Also DH would be better off using his leave for coveting school hols & actually going away rather than sports days. You definitely don't need to both go. I had to miss things like that as I teach so had to just go into school myself (occasionally it would be my day or morning off). My parents or in laws used to cover for me.

You may need to accept that 4 days/week and DH full time isn't manageable & work out which one of you cuts hours.

Then he needs to become conscious of 'showing face' at home. You and your joint children are not optional.

As others have said. Unpaid parental leave - it’s 1 week per child for 16 years (18 if they have a disability I believe without reading it again). That’s 34 weeks of leave to use and it’s likely you’ll need them more earlier than as they get older. You could both take 2 weeks each in 1 week blocks per year to see you through primary, less to stretch it out further. It’s no different to booking a weeks holiday leave except no pay.

Your DH may not like the idea but it’s there as a parental right and he needs to step up as a parent to take leave to cover half the holidays if holiday club is not feasible for you.

At the start of the year, I split the school holidays into two, book my time off and allocate the other half of the holidays for DH to arrange. Maybe think of doing similar, when he realises what needs organising, he may appreciate what you go through. It shouldn’t be just on you, you also work

Lastly, I remember a setting telling me once that they can gain more funding for 1-to-1 in holiday sessions for children who need it. May be more planning involved but could potentially help you.

Parental leave is 18 weeks by the child’s 18th birthday (with a maximum of 4 weeks a year unless your employer agrees) whether the child has a disability or not. The difference is when the child is disabled, it can be taken as individual days rather than just whole weeks (although it can be taken as individual days if the employer agrees even if the child isn’t disabled).

Can you pay a teenager to be in your house whilst you work? So my 16 year old got paid to be in a house with a two year old and a 4 year old whilst that mum worked upstairs. She just had to play games, watch TV with them. Any physical care the mum did. She'd come out her office to do nappies or make lunch or put the 2 year old down for a nap. Whilst two year old napping my teen took four year old for a walk. But basically the expectations were very low pretty much just let them watch TV whilst mum works upstairs.

Do any of your youngest's preschool teachers have a teen child who wants a bit of cash?

Childminder/ local babysitter/ grandparents is what people around me did

It's so so difficult isn't it

If your household can't run without your wage then your husbands job cannot be prioritised over your job or mental health.

I hear you OP. We have two children with severe learning disabilities. I work term time luckily but we have no wrap around or holiday clubs available. I don't think parents who have access to these realise how hard it is when you don't.

I have spoken to my head teacher about carers' leave and been able to take it for eg consultant clinics. Definitely worth exploring.

Very very few families at my DS's school have one parent who regularly works. We are fighting to keep our careers going but it's very very hard.

You hear this a lot from blokes but then a woman or a younger man comes along, does the job well while also doing school pickups and proves it's a crock.

@MostlyHappyMummy is absolutely right, if you both need to work then both jobs are important. It's silly to burn you out in the vague hope that your husband's presenteeism wins him a promotion he wouldn't otherwise have got. It's the wrong basket to put all your eggs in. I like to think a lot of employers are a bit more sophisticated in how they award promotions these days.

If you claim DLA for your disabled child, you are eligible to take unpaid parental leave in single days rather than having to do it in week long blocks.

Local childminder might be able to do some days?

You haven't answered the question posted by many which is:

Is your DH doing any solo parenting while you work? The proper kind, not with you managing from the side of your desk while not on calls?

I suspect you are not answering this because it will force you to look in the mirror and acknowledge that he isn't.
And probably doesn't want to which is 90% of the battle.

All his promotion prospects in the world aren't going to help you if you divorce (on paper you are handling a near full time job) ; him if he can't confidently parent solo (week on week off) or most importantly tour children if anything happens to you.

I believe I have answered this.

Yes he does, on the weekends and quite often over bedtime which is the only time he’s around without using holiday to take time off.