School Holidays, what’s the answer?

[HoliHelp]

DD1 started school in Sept, DD2 is in the attached pre-school.

DH works full time with a 1.5 hour commute and 5 weeks holiday.

I’m self-employed, working 4 days a week from home, very flexible but have to be around for meetings and meet my deadlines.

For the first 3 lots of school holiday each week we’ve used holiday club on 2 days which only runs from 9-3, my standard day off is fine, then 2 days of just juggling it popping into grandparents for an hour or so if I have a call I need to join. Then the 15-20 hours odd that I’m short I’m making up in the evenings and weekends.

DH has taken one day off per school holiday for a family day out. As he’s worried about running out of holiday, we usually use 2 weeks for visiting family, 1.5 week for a holiday, leaving around 5-10 days for anything else (he’s expected to book holiday for sports day, Christmas play, etc).

Im completely worn out and drowning. My work is being impacted, my mothering is being impacted, my marriage is being impacted. I feel like no one is getting the best of me and I’m trying into an awful person.

Is there some sort of magic solution I’ve not thought of? Or just some solidarity to help and pick me up a little?

To avoid drip feed and ‘more holiday club’ suggestions: DD1 is physically disabled, we are VERY lucky that her support worker at school works at a holiday club 1-2 days a week so they’ll have her on those days only. They cannot accommodate her needs on the other days.

You're taking a lot of annual leave together for holidays/ family visits. We take about one week off together a year and the rest is shared out between us to cover as much of the holidays as possible. My family live away so I usually take the children alone to visit them and while I visit my husband works longer hours so he can take more time off when we're back. He also has flexi time at his work so he works longer in termtime so he can take more time off in the holidays.

They have to, but they don't have to give pay rises or promotions or opportunities to people they don't like and they don't believe will commit to the work. And they don't have to care that colleagues may be resentful of him.

I agree it seems like a lot. Also the 1.5 week holiday seems a bit weird, surely it would be better to do a week and have the extra days in the bank.

We had a similar situation and for years took all our annual leave separately. It wasn't great but we had no other alternative.

Your dh needs to shoulder his responsibilities.

You're taking a lot of annual leave together for holidays/ family visits. We take about one week off together a year and the rest is shared out between us to cover as much of the holidays as possible

This I'm afraid, DH gets 5 weeks of annual leave on top of Bank Holidays and so do I, other than 1 week at Xmas (both of our workplaces close anyway) and one week for a holiday the rest is used separately.

We tend to do 1 day a week each in the holidays, and then 1 day with grandparents and 1/2 days in holiday clubs. Our family days out are on the weekends/bank holidays.

It sounds like your DH work is very inflexible. Even if he could just WFH during holidays it would help. For assemblies etc can he not just work that hour in the evening or take it as 1 hour instead of a half/whole day? Also seems like quite a reliance on the support worker - what would happen if he/she was not in school for one day for example?

DH and I work FT and take around 3 weeks annual leave together for family holidays etc. The rest of the time we stagger our annual leave so that for half terms DC generally have 1-2 days at home with each of us and 2 days in holiday club. I find that works best as they get a bit of a break and at the same time we don't all go stir crazy. As they get older the 9-3 holiday clubs work better as they can entertain themselves for a couple of hours while you finish up work, but when they were younger I relied more on full day clubs and grandparents.

I don't know how old your disabled DD is or where you live. When my disabled DS was school age we had quite a network of clubs and activities for disabled children, either for him alone or some allowed siblings too. Some needed a parent to stay but a few didn't. It took quite a bit of work and time to winkle out all the options. However, since those days I know that the advent of Direct Payment places and more referrals has made it a little harder. I know it's daunting but might be worth asking the Disabled Children's team, other parents etc. I know it's a big ask as you're very busy but it helped us a lot.

If you live somewhere suitable you could do this with an au pair, or someone who is doing a childcare qualification.

You are still around and it would make the juggling a lot easier.

Can your DH ever wfh? How helpful are family? Can you stay with them and one/both of you work from there?

Your DH needs to come up with some more solutions here. He can't leave it all to you. Would there be any option for adjusting his hours in the holidays e.g. working 4 long days or him making some time up at the weekends/holidays. Or just wfh to save 3 hours of commuting that you could use to work. He really needs to make some sort of flexible working request. If he is unwilling then either the holiday or visiting family will have to be cut short.

As a pp said, each parent is entitled to 18 weeks total per child up to age 18, and may take up to 4 weeks for each child in each year. With 2 kids, that gives you a lot of options!

Your employer can ask you to take it at a different time if they have a valid business reason, but they can't refuse it. And ime employers are absolutely fine with it: it's your DH's reluctance you need to get past. (I hear similar reluctance from male colleagues, when I know that it would be absolutely fine).

I use unpaid parental leave in blocks for the family holiday, and use my annual leave for the more flexible 1-2 days off here and there. (And you say, your DH's employer does allow him to take blocks of 1-2 weeks annual leave when you visit family. This is no different) Unlike emergency leave, there's no restriction on what you use the parental leave for: using it for your family holiday is fine.

I do it that way because there is a certain amount of overhead getting parental leave approved and also less flexibility (in terms of notice needed and the parental leave having to be in blocks of 1 week). I know that you can take single days with a disabled child, but why make it harder than you need to?

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Or he buys an extra week/2 weeks holiday so he can split for when needed

I think dh taking 1 day a week in the holidays for a family day out needs to be rethought. He should use that to look after the dc while you work. As he's off BH, could you not work that day so that you can take a day off somewhere else? Same with weekends, if you're SE can you work a Sunday every two weeks so that you can take more off on holidays. That's what I do.

Not ideal but as you are self employed, in the school holidays could you use Saturday & Sunday as working days as presumably dh is home to do childcare.

@HoliHelp "I’d always just assumed that parental leave had to be used when your children were babies!"

Definitely not. If anything I would be careful with it now because you might need it more when she is older. We've found holiday care much harder to find in teen years so we rely on parental leave that has been "saved up" from primary school years.

Bank hols really do make a difference. Easter there are 2 bank hols so only 8 days to cover, not 10. Consider you working bank hols as you're flexible, while DH has DD, and taking those days in lieu with her on other days. You could stretch out another few days or so this way. Eg May half term your husband has her Mon, you work and take her Tues in lieu, GPs Weds, your day off Fri and you just need one day of leave between you to cover the whole half term.

Sports day, assemblies etc are virtually never a 2 parent job here. Also our school always wanted lunchtime collection at end of term. We struck a deal with our kids that we would never pick them up early for these. They stayed until normal finish time, but they understood that this preserved our leave so they would have an extra day of a parent instead of childcare in the hols. My 18 year old recently told me these end of term sessions were some of the nicest times she spent in school, and actually thanked us for doing this. (I'm sure her teachers would rather I'd picked her up.)

You can get a long way with patchwork and planning, but it does take both of you being on board with that, and you probably do need a new paid childcare provider as part of the solution.

Why aren’t you working the day that your DH is off? What happens on the weekends?

mine are older (thank god so it doesn’t become easier) and I am self employed and make up tome in the evenings and weekends when DH steps up

all housework and that is 50/50

You can’t do your holidays like you did before your dc are in school once your dc are in school. Your dh cannot use all his holidays on days out, visiting family and sports days, he needs to use it to cover the school holidays.

I work in a male dominated industry and now my employer does properly paid parental leave for new dads you can’t find a senior bloke as they’re all on pat leave. It’s bollocks men can’t take leave to look after their dc, they just don’t want to do it for free.

Why are you only using holiday club for 12 hours a week? There will be better provision outside of what the school offer, especially if you're willing to travel a bit. All the primaries who use third party providers let other children join, and then some of the high schools and sports facilities host too.

You can also plan your time flexibly if you are willing to work odd hours - After bedtime or at weekends but you need to let go of all holidays being full family time.

I would expect your DH to use his holiday more. You could perhaps save 1 week each to have together and then split the rest or similar. It is only for a few years . Agree though that covering the holidays is a nightmare. My DC would have preferred more time at home with Dad to holiday clubs and weren't too bothered about holidays.

Read the last paragraph of the OP which explains why she isn't using more holiday club.

Seems like he's happier for you to struggle than for him to ask his employer for perfectly reasonable adjustments. He is a parent too.

Why is it so often mums who are run ragged in these situations?

Simple - DH uses parental leave for the long blocks ie when you’re actually away then uses his annual leave to take 1-2 dpw in school holidays whilst you work. Days out together at weekends (or in week but you then work at weekend). Plan the year in advance - we had a spreadsheet of all school holidays and who would cover them (in your position for each week it would be one by your normal day off, 1 day annual leave each, 2 days holiday club or family or favours from friends). You can then work out at start of year how much parental leave is needed. Any chance your DH can wfh on days of eg assemblies so can just make up time not commuting or take half day only for sports days?)

We've only had 2 summers to cover so far, but so far we've just not had a family holiday. We've had a week away visiting family, and a long weekend away, so max using 7 extra days. It'll help save us money on holidays away too

I think you need to temporarily postpone visits to family, a holiday together etc. Also only 1 of you needs to go to assemblies, sports day etc (youll find lots of other families do the same with only 1 parent there for exactly the same reasons). You'll have to do more things around the bank holiday weekends when you are all off.

We didn't have any family holidays for the first few years DC1 & DC2 were at school (12 months between them) as we had to juggle so much school holidays. We have 1 week each at easter (& spent time as a family over the easter weekend when we were both off), 2 separate weeks each over the 6 weeks holidays, different times off at xmas etc so we could manage as best we could along with holiday clubs.

As they got older it got easier as we'd then arrange things with their friends parents - ie Id have them all on a Monday and they they'd have mine on a Friday so we could all work together to juggle work and school holidays.

It really paid off as they got older as my career has gone from strength to strength as I was able to continue to work full time when they were little and now Ive become more senior so have much more flexibility for DC3 (big age gap) but she still goes to holiday clubs but I can work around her wfh when I need too.