School Holidays, what’s the answer?

[HoliHelp]

DD1 started school in Sept, DD2 is in the attached pre-school.

DH works full time with a 1.5 hour commute and 5 weeks holiday.

I’m self-employed, working 4 days a week from home, very flexible but have to be around for meetings and meet my deadlines.

For the first 3 lots of school holiday each week we’ve used holiday club on 2 days which only runs from 9-3, my standard day off is fine, then 2 days of just juggling it popping into grandparents for an hour or so if I have a call I need to join. Then the 15-20 hours odd that I’m short I’m making up in the evenings and weekends.

DH has taken one day off per school holiday for a family day out. As he’s worried about running out of holiday, we usually use 2 weeks for visiting family, 1.5 week for a holiday, leaving around 5-10 days for anything else (he’s expected to book holiday for sports day, Christmas play, etc).

Im completely worn out and drowning. My work is being impacted, my mothering is being impacted, my marriage is being impacted. I feel like no one is getting the best of me and I’m trying into an awful person.

Is there some sort of magic solution I’ve not thought of? Or just some solidarity to help and pick me up a little?

To avoid drip feed and ‘more holiday club’ suggestions: DD1 is physically disabled, we are VERY lucky that her support worker at school works at a holiday club 1-2 days a week so they’ll have her on those days only. They cannot accommodate her needs on the other days.

What's the two weeks visiting family all about? Who's family, how far away and for how long? It seems nuts that two weeks of annual leave are being used on that whilst you try and do everything else. Obviously if it's a week a Christmas that's one thing but two whole weeks every year....? Maybe they could come to you alternate years?

I can't see in your post anywhere where your DH ever has sole care of his children?

My company is fine about people taking their unpaid parental leave entitlement. Funnily enough it's mainly the women that make use of it - I bet the men are telling their partners that it's not the done thing.

Sorry I don't believe your husband. He's legally entitled to take unpaid parental leave and quite frankly his priority should be his family, not what some crusty old pricks at work think.

He needs to step up - either physically by taking time off, or financially, by picking up more of the build etc to enable you to work less and be there for the children during holidays etc.

At the moment it's all falling on you and it's grossly unfair. If you were separated he'd have to find childcare solutions by himself 🤷‍♀️

1. You find another parent with similar age kids, take theirs for a few Fridays and they take yours for a day that week. Exhausting but just wear them out outside at the park/reservoir/picnic in the morning, and a film and popcorn in the afternoon.
2. You have to accept that you both can't go to sports day / Christmas play etc and take it in turns. Then your husband uses his holiday for child care. That's what you do as a parent. Holidays are mainly childcare. He could also visit his family without you for a few days and you can catch up and work extra hours.
3. Find a nursery holiday club that does 7am-6pm child care. Use then once a week.
4. Pack kids off to grandparents for one week in the summer holidays.
5. Find a friend using the holiday club and take it in turns doing he wrap around. So one of you picks the other children up deliver to holiday club and then pick up afterwards and go to park for half an hour or get an ice-cream on the way home and then drop home. It will add another hour or so onto your day. Or use a grandparent for this.

We managed with no family help so I do understand, and my husband was working long hours, and trip abroad. It's really tough. Once they are older they will entertain themselves after holiday club. It does get easier. I also bought a week's holiday.
Also cookfood.net does lovely family sized meals which are frozen. Just get some easy meals, &batch cook. Hope something put of that list helps.

We are similar in that I am employed and Dh self employed. We would generally do 2-3 days of holiday club, 1-2 days each. I would use AL and dh would plan his workload around school holidays. So work a longer day one day to take off another or plan ahead so that he doesn’t have big commitments that week, so can manage looking after kids while doing a bit of admin. Dh sharing the days equally is key.

I think being self-employed, you need to better organise your week to maximise working time and childcare. You have to say no to things, or I can get that to you next week. Or I’m not free to meet Friday, but am available the next Monday and Tuesday. You have a degree of control being self employed, but you do need to be very boundaried with your time. You can’t be everywhere.

We also don’t take 2 weeks off together ever. It’s not practical. And we don’t really do those sorts of big holidays.

You should work on your dhs one day a week off.
family days out can be at weekends.

I think this highlights how hard it is for parents of children with disabilities to both maintain their careers.
Sorry not much help but it's a real problem.

A friend of mine fought tooth and nail to get her son into the right special school for him and his flourishing there. But they're independent so have extra long school holidays. He cannot be left alone like most kids his age and there aren't suitable holiday clubs for him, especially not in those "extra" weeks of holidays.

And what do you do if holiday clubs and after school clubs just won't accept your child without 1:1? It's a real issue.

Can your DH do 5 in 4? We both do and it means during the holidays we're only juggling, using clubs and annual leave for 3 days a week , given you already have a day off in the week if he could do 5 in 4 you wouldn't lose any money, he could do drop off and pick up in term time and it would be one less day a week to worry about in the holidays.
For us it also means when we are off in the week during term time between us the housework all gets done so evenings and weekends aren't as stressful and we have more actual free family time

This has to be about you and your DH sitting down and working out what your priorities are.

Family life
Children
Professional development/career
Money

Compromises and problem solving needed to meet your priorities.

For instance, my friends work night shifts in MH. Three children together. They thought about both reducing to part time. Instead they have hired a retired teacher who does the school run at the end of the parents working days and covers school holidays as needed. They are maintaining their career, but have less disposable income and less time with their children. Not perfect but works for them.

Sometimes, for a while, we just can't have it all.

OP does your husband do any solo parenting? He needs to take his one day off a week when you're working, you need to spread his annual leave and your time off further and have less time for family visits/ holidays and if your job is flexible can you do concerts and sports day around your work/ day off so he can use his annual leave to do the holidays?

It really does read like he's taking all his annual leave when you're already not working (or she's in school).

What about employing a babysitter? That seems like the obvious thing tbh.

1.5 weeks because it’s difficult to fly with DD, so it is actually a 1 week holiday. But with 1-2 days either side to travel.

2 week family trip is for my family, and I do some work while we are there. I could actually do this on my own or DH could join us for 1 week of the 2.

We split our holidays to cover childcare. One week together for summer holiday the rest we take AL at different school hols. One attends sports days etc, generally me as I have flexi time.

Days out as a family at weekends.

It is tough, when they are a little older you will be able to get some work done while they are around.

Honestly, most people I know are limited to one, possibly two weeks holiday together.

They take the rest of their allowance separately to each other to provide childcare during holidays.

This is my DH's point of view.

He is the higher earner with a lot of promotion potential, which would be damaged if they felt he wasn't putting as much in as others.

Even at the top of my career ladder I couldn't earn his current salary, let alone his potential max salary. So it does make sense for us to nurture his career more than mine but not at the sake of my mental health, it needs to be balanced rather than 'it needs to be 50/50'.

Father of children needs to understand that being a father involves being a parent too. Doesn't matter whether he's keen, he just needs to suck it up.

Another vote here for childcare students.

Obviously it depends on your DD's disability how much help they can be but they have to do a work placement as part of their course, whether working for you could count is debatable but it is something to put on a CV.

I'd suggest getting two working different days / half days because they may be going on a family holiday.

We have a family day out, which looks like it's going to have to stop.

Although I can do some catch up work on the weekends and I do. I work on projects as part of a team so this isn't always possible. If something has to be done by Friday, and the person in the chain before me doesn't finish their bit until Monday, then working on Saturday/Sunday isn't an option.

I also need to be around for any team calls.

Would grandparents be willing to do school assemblies/sports day etc? So DC have someone there but your DH doesn’t waste annual leave on it?

Where I live there is an excellent nanny agency called Koru Kids who specialise in part time Nannies, the majority of whom are students. They might be willing to wrap around the 9-3?

Another option is to see if the support worker or another support worker/TA were interested in extra hours?

Now we have one at school, we limit the days we are off together with the kids to 7 days max. Usually split in 3 days at Christmas then odd days throughout the year to camp for long weekends. I think everyone struggles with the same balance but to a different degree considering you DD's disability. It's really hard.

I have to forgo plays, assemblies etc until they fall at 2.30pm as that I can work around work. DH tends to go mostly.

Can you get some 121 help for at home?
Can grandparents do time on their own with your DD?

I find being very structured about who is off when, who is helping when and what the shortfall is going to be helps. I am organised up to the end of the summer holidays now. It really helps with the knowing where there i going to be short on work time/life admin/cleaning/childcare etc. so it feels like shambolic when we actually get there

Ok so if you go to family without dh that saves him up to 10 days of holiday he can take in school holidays. Can you work some bank hols or weekends to free you up on other days? Even if you just did the May and August bank hols and one weekend a year that’s an extra 5 days. 15 days there or 1/2 the summer hols without much having to change.

The days dh saves for sports day or assemblies need to go back in the pot for childcare. Coming in an hour later because I’ve been to my dcs sports day or an assembly has had absolutely no impact on my career or dh’s - most people don’t even notice.

Sorry, but tough shit? What did he think would happen in the holidays?

Oh OP this is me, ai am exhuasted and depreseed. Add on the fact my kids have SEN and one of them won't go to holiday club I am literally counting down days (10years) until they are out of school. My health is fucked and I cant afford a nanny. I am going tochecn this thread reguarly in case anyone has any good ideas.

Sorry if it wasn't clear, this is one day per half-term, not 1 day a week.

So 5 days in total; October HT, Christmas, Feb HT, Easter, May HT.

Why does the day out have to stop? Can’t it be on a weekend?

@HoliHelp those 5 days for the day trips over the year is a full week of cover. Have the days out on the weekends of the school holidays.

This half term we did a full family day out last Saturday and will do another this Saturday as we don't have enough annual leave to take any days off together this half term.