For many of us Motherhood is nothing like we think it will be

[Paloclasd]

I have two primary aged kids and while I love them so much and don’t actually regret having them, being a parent is a lot different than I expected it to be. When I try to think back to what I imagined I think I thought motherhood would be cosy and warm with lots of sweet moments full of love and happiness. The love is absolutely there but mostly its tinged with guilt and anxiety and you realise that the warm cosy moments are something you work hard to make happen for them and you at best at least most of the time only get to experience vicariously through them. Even when you go to a big effort to make something lovely experience happen for them, they don’t really enjoy it and focus on the one thing that is upsetting them.

I imagined I’d be doing lovely crafts and baking with my kids, but they aren’t interested really and even though we were very strict about screen time on any device and didn’t let them play with our phones they still mostly seem to want the television on or they want our phones and constantly ask for their own phone or tablet as “everyone else has one”.

The early years were tough, it felt like running an never ending marathon at times with the promise that things would get better soon but as they get older and somethings get a bit easier other things get harder.

I’m a quiet person and my home was always my sanctuary and I worked hard to keep it clean and well organized, to cook nice food and have this lovely warm safe place which I thought would be ideal to raise a family in but with the kids and working fulltime the house is always messy and not as clean as I’d like and while I try to prioritise healthy food more often than I’d like its quick beige dinners which the kids actually prefer and eat. While the healthy fresh from scratch foods I make are only grudgingly eaten. But I keep making them because I know they are better for all of us.

I am not sure my husband has ever recovered from the overwhelm of the early years and neither has our relationship. Life feels like a constant negotiation about childcare who will be picking them up, looking after them on this or that day if one of us has to go and do something else. If one of us has time away to do something nice then there is definitely a sense that the other is expecting their turn as well and there can at times be resentment. By the end of the day what with work and family life we are both exhausted and just want to be in our own space for a while which means we aren’t spending much quality time just the two of us which I know is bad but its like we both need to decompress from being around others all day to be reenergised for each other but there just aren’t enough hours in the day.

I did last year go away for a couple of days while my parents helped my DH look after the kids, it was lovely and I did feel so much better when I got back but I also felt guilty when I was away and cried because I missed them and then when I got back my youngest was so angry at me for going away even though I’d called them and brought them gifts.

People say it gets easier but honestly, I am not sure it does you just get used it. There is a kind of Stockholm syndrome involved in being a parent. I say all that and my kids are good kids. I don’t know if I’m unhappy or happy personally because my happiness is now tied to the happiness of my children and the parts of me that aren’t mum often feel like they are fading away. I had some money for Christmas from my parents but when I got out to spend it I ended up buying things for the kids because I couldn’t even decide what I might like as I don’t have time for much anymore and I am fed up buying bits for an at home facial and then never using them or I use it once or twice and forget about it because I am too busy and too tired. All this isn’t even to mention the worry I have for their futures will they be able to find good work, get an education, buy a home or even find partners.

Still I post the cute photos online for my family of my kids in the one photo where they were smiling before all hell broke loose. I don’t tell people that DH and I rarely have sex anymore and that I’m too tired for it anyway. Perhaps it was always this hard but our expectations now are that we can have families and still be ourselves with free time, hobbies, relationships and so on.

Again I don’t regret them but it’s just nothing like I imagined and I’ve lost myself to the degree that it’s hard to tell if I’m happy or not.

I think I thought motherhood would be cosy and warm with lots of sweet moments full of love and happiness

Well, there's your issue, surely? I mean, I didn't think that. I didn't have specific expectations of parenthood at all, and actually it's mostly been way more interesting than I expected. Having said that, I have one child by choice. I didn't want my life overturned. DS is a lovely addition to me pre-child life. I haven't turned into someone else. I still see friends and derive satisfaction from my job, my own separate non-parent life.

@ReadingParty Even with one child my life was definitely turned upside down, and it was important to me that they have a sibling so I went ahead and had my second. Every child is different some are more demanding than others, some parents find if more of a struggle just because you found it fine doesn’t mean other don’t.

I really profoundly disliked parenting in the younger years, although I loved and continue to love my grown children. I found it isolating, lonely, exhausting, and often very boring. I found the monotony and fatigue day after day horrendous, and I look back and feel very sorry for myself. I think that's okay to say, but doubtless I shall bring hoards down upon me to tell me that my 'poor children' must have been irretrievably damaged by my experience of mothering. Disappointingly, they seem pretty well adjusted.

I do think there is an expectations issue here. Instagram?

My memories of raising my children are full of happy moments, warmth, fun, crafts, games, running around etc. Yes, there has been a lot of juggling, beige food, stress and chaos along the way (DH and I also work full time) but that’s normal, no?

I don’t feel guilt about it and certainly wouldn’t allow the negative bits to be the dominant focus when I look back. It does make me think that you are expecting perfection.

@AgricolaOrBed I don’t think I get my expectations from instagram but undoubtedly the way motherhood is portrayed in society and in the media fed into my thinking about it, my hopes and dreams. I think most of it came from my own childhood and a longing to recreate the warm cosy feelings of my own childhood for my own kids which I do hope I am doing. My mistake though was to think that those feelings were for the parents, mostly they aren’t they are for the kids and it’s the adults slogging it out to earn the money, to ferry them to activities, to make a magical Christmas, to make the food, to keep the house from becoming a tip.

I recently spoke to my mum about Sundays when I was a child and how cosy it was and how my brother and I would have a bath while she ironed our uniforms then we’d come down for supper and would get to watch something on tv with our parents before going up to bed and being read to. I told her how lovely it was for us and she said she was glad because she felt like screaming half of the time! I sort of know what she means.

@SardinesOnGingerbread thank you and I know it’s possible to feel the way you do and still be a brilliant loving mum, I think many feel that way but just don’t say.

I didn’t want children and had zero expectation of anything really. I met DH and that changed my mind much to my utter shock. I really have loved it all I even look back at toddler DS doing some really gross things when little and look back with fondness. I never had the pressure of social media and all that malarkey like elf on the shelf and having to have matching Christmas PJ’s.

But I did still have hobbies and I still went away minus children leaving them with DH. I had a wobble just once with that as I was going to America for 2 weeks as DS was only 6. Why can’t your DH just look after the kids minus his parents? we really did share parenting and all the hard work that comes with it.

How you describe parenting is exactly how I imagine it to be. I’ve never wanted kids! I don’t feel like it’s described in a cosy rose-tinted way either, in fact most of the journalism or posts on here and elsewhere online about parenthood I’ve read in the last decade have been very honest about the ups and downs.

I look back now (ds is 21) and remember happy moments so that's good, but a lot of it was very hard going tbh. I asked my mum how she managed what she did (3 kids, frankly fairly useless dad, working much of the time, commuting, growing food) and she just said 'I didn't sit down much'.

I always felt very strongly that I wasn't ds's friend and as my h was the softest touch because he was too ill to lay down the law, I got the bad cop role. That was OK but it's also easy to then lean in to that, when you do have to make sure you do some things you like as well and be nice sometimes.

Your rules on screens sound good. I used to tune out what I called the 'statutory moaning' - children have to whinge about not having screens and going out for walks, it's the law. But they still have to toe the line. Id just say that the sooner he stopped moaning the sooner we could do something more interesting. Sometimes he would give in and come and make dinner with me and that was lovely. Not that often though.

I'd be more worried that your relationship is in a bit of a state. Time to get a sitter and have an evening in the pub followed by slightly drunk sex? Very important.

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but I don't feel like this at all:

People say it gets easier but honestly, I am not sure it does you just get used it. There is a kind of Stockholm syndrome involved in being a parent. I say all that and my kids are good kids. I don’t know if I’m unhappy or happy personally because my happiness is now tied to the happiness of my children and the parts of me that aren’t mum often feel like they are fading away. I had some money for Christmas from my parents but when I got out to spend it I ended up buying things for the kids because I couldn’t even decide what I might like as I don’t have time for much anymore and I am fed up buying bits for an at home facial and then never using them or I use it once or twice and forget about it because I am too busy and too tired. All this isn’t even to mention the worry I have for their futures will they be able to find good work, get an education, buy a home or even find partners.

I still have plenty of things that are for me, and plenty of identity outside of 'mum'. I don't worry about whether my young children will find partners when they grow up! I feel much more deep-down contented than I ever have in my whole life. This isn't my trying to rub it in, but to say that this isn't an inevitable state of being that you couldn't ever change.

I completely relate and could've written the same thing a few years ago.

What happened with us is that xh and I grew apart due to the stress (and his tendency to retreat into himself under stress rather than work through it).

Our marriage didn't survive and it's been absolutely horrendous without him.

I'd suggest please focus on the health of your marrige above all else. But also focus on yourself. And don't do either to the detriment of the dc - gosh it's a challenge isn't it?!

I went away often and didnt feel any guilt.
I dont bake and dont feel guilt.
I dont go on social media.
I am not Christian so thankfully I dont have to do Xmas.

I am not their friend and I am more than just their mum.

You say it was important to you that they had a sibling, but don't seem to take any responsibility for that decision. One kid, you're balancing their needs with yours. Two kids, you're balancing their needs with each others, before balancing that with your own. Of course you're further down the pecking order. But you chose for it to be that way

Oh also do things that you enjoy and let them come with you rather than other way around.
Your Xmas money: you could have used it for a book or a theatre trip or a meal out with a friend or some nice boots. Why spend it on the kids?
Anyway this too shall pass..My DC are grown and I am as free as a bird ( until the eldercare kicks in).

This is how I feel too.

Sorry OP but I just don't relate at all.

Sorry, I just sound very glib because I am posting in a hurry. I don't mean to say it's not hard work. It is. But you have to push against those crappy Insta expectations.

I have found it worth it though. I love my DH, but I can't imagine having only him in my life. My family and friends are very scattered. Friends in particular have got very flakey after Covid. My DC have made my life harder, but also richer.
I'd get a babysitter and take yr Dh out for dinner. Use that Xmas money. And if the DC moan, let them moan.

It's different for everyone. I feel contented and worry less than I did before kids. I have just one 18 month old though. Guess with multiple kids it may be different. Some people do enjoy parenting more than others though.

I'm not trying to show off btw-- I'm just trying to sort of explain that maybe this is a changeable situation?

There was a line in a Joanna Trollope novel I read which said something like ‘with small children there is always the feeling that if you get through this bit you will finally get the reward’.
So always trying to cope with newborn stage then toddler stage then starting school still waiting for that reward!
Mine are adult now and it was the hardest and best and worst thing I ever did. I would have been devastated to never have children (because you want what you don’t have).

I must be Cruella De Vil because I went away from the time my kids were 7 months old, and didn"t feel guilty or cry. Men go away all the time for work or pleasure and never cry. Why should we?

I mostly did things I like. I like reading, museums and parks. So I did that. I dont like baking or crafts or holidays at Disneyland. So I didn't do that. Ok sometimes I made compromises but not all the time.

I think social media has a lot to answer for! Lots of people trying to pretend,either for their own benefit or on behalf of a sponsor, that they have perfect lives and it hoodwinks the rest of us into thinking our experiences will be just like that, even if we think we are smart enough to know the difference. My Grandmother's generation were much more realistic about the grind of raising kids and also very hands off. I think there is a middle ground to be found - it is wonderful that people are much more invested in their children and go out of their way to enrich their lives and spend time with them but parents should be allowed to be individuals to and sometimes put themselves first. Your biggest problem here, OP, is you seem to be losing any sense of self outside motherhood. That is not good and it won't do your relationship any good. Start finding a bit of balance in your life and you will find it easier to be phlegmatic when the kids have tantrums on a lovely day out or refuse a home cooked meal. If you only concentrate on one area of your life than it becomes vital for your happiness that it goes well, all the time, which isn't realistic. Balance is the key to happiness, not perfection! If you take a step back and be a little more selfish, I guarantee that when your children grow up they will still have that sense of cosiness, warmth and safety.

“I recently spoke to my mum about Sundays when I was a child and how cosy it was and how my brother and I would have a bath while she ironed our uniforms then we’d come down for supper and would get to watch something on tv with our parents before going up to bed and being read to. I told her how lovely it was for us and she said she was glad because she felt like screaming half of the time! I sort of know what she means.”

I don’t usually like to just dismiss how posters feel when they are having a hard time, and I do get where you’re coming from, but you’re really lucky to have had this in your own childhood and now is the time to try provide that for your own kids. That’s just how it is.
I had alcoholic, neglectful parents and a totally crap childhood and sometimes I feel sad that I spent my whole childhood looking after my younger sibling, so I’ve never really been on the other side (the child’s side), never got taken care of properly and given the good memories.
It is shit realising that all this stuff, birthdays/ Christmasses/ holidays etc doesn’t just happen, you have to make them happen plus deal with all the really hard things and put your own needs and wants on the back burner but that’s just how it is.
I’d say you need to lower your standards a bit, and work on having more realistic expectations. You are being too hard on yourself.

I am so over motherhood and the way it makes me feel. I loved the baby stage, not so much the 6-11 yr old bit but I have fond memories and seem to have forgotten the hard times.

I have 3 boys and had a very very rough time with 2 of them throughout teenage years. (MH issues, undiagnosed Autism, since been diagnosed as an adult, weed smoking, trouble at school, suicide attempts). I feel that those 10 years destroyed me as a person and i am sad that i couldn't seem to make life better for them somehow, despite trying very very hard to.

My oldest and youngest are lovely now i have to say, now they are 25 and 19. Both work hard and have girlfriends and are easy going.

My middle son, 22 yrs old (the asd one) has today moved out, we have had a massive falling out and he thinks i am a totally shit mum. He never wants to speak to me ever again and hasn't for the last 6 weeks. I don;t know where he has gone, but he took all his stuff and has just gone. I am heartbroken. I watched from my bedroom window as the taxi came and he was laughing and smiling and didn't look back at me. He didn't say goodbye and has blocked me on everything.

The pain of parenting has been indescribable. If i had known, i would never have had children.

mine are teenagers and I am so fed up of parenting. I don't want to do it anymore, I feel like I'm dying

I'm have not suggested for a moment other people don't find it a struggle, but, by your own account it was your own unfeasibly rosy expectations which gave you some entirely false idea of parenthood being 'cosy and warm and full of sweet moments, of love and happiness'.

I had no such expectations, and I can only assume that this is in part why I found it easier, because I wasn't it expecting it to be a particular way. (Also, if I had found motherhood far harder than I expected, I certainly wouldn't have had another child for the sake of my first child. That's crazy behaviour, Why would you double the difficulty of something you're already struggling with?) My childhood was not particularly happy, because we were poor, and my parents had far more children than they could afford, materially or emotionally. I'm doing my best to make sure DS's childhood is very different. While also having an entire professional and social life which has nothing at all to do with DS.

Do things you enjoy! This is not a situation you can't change!