For many of us Motherhood is nothing like we think it will be

[Paloclasd]

I have two primary aged kids and while I love them so much and don’t actually regret having them, being a parent is a lot different than I expected it to be. When I try to think back to what I imagined I think I thought motherhood would be cosy and warm with lots of sweet moments full of love and happiness. The love is absolutely there but mostly its tinged with guilt and anxiety and you realise that the warm cosy moments are something you work hard to make happen for them and you at best at least most of the time only get to experience vicariously through them. Even when you go to a big effort to make something lovely experience happen for them, they don’t really enjoy it and focus on the one thing that is upsetting them.

I imagined I’d be doing lovely crafts and baking with my kids, but they aren’t interested really and even though we were very strict about screen time on any device and didn’t let them play with our phones they still mostly seem to want the television on or they want our phones and constantly ask for their own phone or tablet as “everyone else has one”.

The early years were tough, it felt like running an never ending marathon at times with the promise that things would get better soon but as they get older and somethings get a bit easier other things get harder.

I’m a quiet person and my home was always my sanctuary and I worked hard to keep it clean and well organized, to cook nice food and have this lovely warm safe place which I thought would be ideal to raise a family in but with the kids and working fulltime the house is always messy and not as clean as I’d like and while I try to prioritise healthy food more often than I’d like its quick beige dinners which the kids actually prefer and eat. While the healthy fresh from scratch foods I make are only grudgingly eaten. But I keep making them because I know they are better for all of us.

I am not sure my husband has ever recovered from the overwhelm of the early years and neither has our relationship. Life feels like a constant negotiation about childcare who will be picking them up, looking after them on this or that day if one of us has to go and do something else. If one of us has time away to do something nice then there is definitely a sense that the other is expecting their turn as well and there can at times be resentment. By the end of the day what with work and family life we are both exhausted and just want to be in our own space for a while which means we aren’t spending much quality time just the two of us which I know is bad but its like we both need to decompress from being around others all day to be reenergised for each other but there just aren’t enough hours in the day.

I did last year go away for a couple of days while my parents helped my DH look after the kids, it was lovely and I did feel so much better when I got back but I also felt guilty when I was away and cried because I missed them and then when I got back my youngest was so angry at me for going away even though I’d called them and brought them gifts.

People say it gets easier but honestly, I am not sure it does you just get used it. There is a kind of Stockholm syndrome involved in being a parent. I say all that and my kids are good kids. I don’t know if I’m unhappy or happy personally because my happiness is now tied to the happiness of my children and the parts of me that aren’t mum often feel like they are fading away. I had some money for Christmas from my parents but when I got out to spend it I ended up buying things for the kids because I couldn’t even decide what I might like as I don’t have time for much anymore and I am fed up buying bits for an at home facial and then never using them or I use it once or twice and forget about it because I am too busy and too tired. All this isn’t even to mention the worry I have for their futures will they be able to find good work, get an education, buy a home or even find partners.

Still I post the cute photos online for my family of my kids in the one photo where they were smiling before all hell broke loose. I don’t tell people that DH and I rarely have sex anymore and that I’m too tired for it anyway. Perhaps it was always this hard but our expectations now are that we can have families and still be ourselves with free time, hobbies, relationships and so on.

Again I don’t regret them but it’s just nothing like I imagined and I’ve lost myself to the degree that it’s hard to tell if I’m happy or not.

I am not sure how old your children are now but I wanted to say - it does get better! Mine are now 15 and nearly 17 and they are so lovely now: they help around the house and for the first time in years I can ask them to do things to help me! I make sure to point out when I am exhausted/overwhelmed and now they are more sympathetic and helpful and ask if they can help. I went on a whole week yoga retreat abroad last year and it was the best thing I ever did and I didnt feel guilty at all! Hang on in there and keep carving out time for yourself.

@JellyComb I am so sorry. I have a daughter who has done similar (serious and multiple mental health problems) and I felt like I would never get over the pain.

OP, this is why you need to have a sense of self. Even if this never happens to you, we raise our children to live without us and they will leave to persue their own lives. You will find yourself with nothing if you make your life solely about them

I had one kid and mostly enjoyed it - don't think I would have had as much fun with two.

This. Aim for some balance. I am a 70s child..My mum never did any crafts with me. She was a great mum but I was expected to find my own entertainment.

I imagine most of us have had unreasonable expectations of motherhood that others would find ridiculous or obvious!

It sounds like your mum did a wonderful job of creating feelings of safety when you were a child, and I can see how giving that to your own children might feel a bit empty if you were expecting to feel the same as when you were a child.

Like a pp my mother didn't keep those screams inside or centre our needs. I had done a lot of therapeutic work and I still hadn't understood til I had a child what an undertaking it would actually be being the calm, centred, secure base they need especially when the world is not.

It does sound like you need to prioritise yourself as well and get back to doing things because you enjoy them.

I get what you're saying OP. Just back from a weekend with extended family so DC could spend time with their cousins. It was exhausting, stressful and all the adults fell out with each other. But the kids loved every second!!

My DC are primary age and DH and I both work ft. Life is very challenging and yes, I don't sit down much. But I'm trying hard not to lose sense of who I am. Work helps with this, I love my job and enjoy doing it. I also keep up my friendships and make sure I have time for me - weekends away (often take at least one DC though) nights out etc. DH and I try to make it as equal as possible to avoid resentment.

But agree with others, working on your relationship with DH is important. Divide and conquer with childcare - we often take one child each to do stuff, it's much easier and we can give them full attention without any jealousy happening. Make time for each other, try for a date night away from the house, an overnight if you have the childcare (this really helps us reset). I know it feels like another chore but I've seen so many marriages and relationships break down because of this.

But yes. You're right, it's hard going and every stage brings different challenges!

I actually feel the opposite of you OP. My mum was a perfectionist - always anxious, always rushing around freaking out about the house being neat or this or that.

I expected parenthood to be a constant drama but still wanted to do it.

Imagine my surprise when I found out you can parent however you want - me and DH are relaxed, we both work, we let the house get messy, I give beige food or put the TV on whenever it makes things easier.

I have a lovely time, I adore being a parent. I'm nothing like my mum was though.

She actually stayed with us the other weekend and burst into tears watching me and DH play and laugh with our daughter on Saturday morning. When I asked her why she was crying she said "just watching you, you're all such a happy family. The dishwasher is full and the washing basket is overflowing and you're having so much fun. I realise I got it wrong when I was bringing you up and I rushed about, never sat down to enjoy my family".

Not sure if that helps, but it stuck with me. I was surprised to hear her say that! Parenting is as easy or as hard as you make it imo

I think my life before children was much more on an even keel, not such intense highs and lows as I've experienced since.
I loved the pre school years, all the imaginative games and crafts etc. I was never much of a baker though!
My parents didn't do alot with me and younger sister growing up in 70s, we very much made our own entertainment.
Now DD is 18 and DS 16 I am finding their teenage years pretty tough. It's partly the feeling of not being needed as much i think.They are both strong characters, which is good in a way, but I have had difficult times, made harder as neither of my parents are around anymore, in laws are uninterested, and I suppose DH and I have let our relationship suffer.
But as to whether it was what I imagined motherhood to be.....I don't think I ever really had a preconceived idea.

@BigHoops I used to love my work and it was very important to me but I took a more stable job when I knew I’d be trying for a child and while it does use my skills it’s not really what I want to be doing but what I want to do isn’t conducive to being a mum and that has to be my priority. I do see friends sometimes but it’s difficult and most of my oldest friends don’t have children and that can make it tricky as they aren’t crazy about seeing me child in tow, although they do and are good to my kids. There is also just a distance in our lives now they are doing this and that project or travelling somewhere or even just seeing films and reading and I’m up to my elbows in packed lunches. I do have mum friends but they don’t feel like my real friends, our spending time together is more about that we have kids the same age that will play together for a while. I still can’t spend more than 5 mins in the bathroom without being shouted on for something there is no space for me.

If they are in primary school, they are old enough to understand that when you go to the bathroom that means you want some privacy and unless it is an emergency, it can wait 5 minutes.

Your last lime stands out. How old are your kids exactly and why won't they let you go to the loo in peace? Any SN involved? if not that should be fixable

@SouthLondonMum22 I can get 5 minutes but if it goes over that there will usually be someone banging on the door.

Ignore the banging. They will soon tire of it.
Take some headphones and have a lovely soak in the tub with a book maybe.

I think the thing that surprised me most about parenting was the level of anxiety I would constantly feel to keep them alive. I think parenting small children is really hard and some days are really long but they will do something funny or sweet and its like you forget the bad.

I loved bits I didn't expect to like and hated bits I thought I'd love.

The early school years were really hard as they struggled so much but that did get better. Early years it wasn't the kids but house moves and finding couldn't keep my career going - it basically everthing else impacting us when we were limited in money time and energy.

Would have been so much easier with more extended family support - in fact they were the opposite when we have lived nearer - a source of demands and friction.

I think I found late primary hardest - as they do have SEN and are ND - so they still had meltdowns and needed perhaps more accomodating than other kids that age and way more home support - so everyone was like oh they get easier by those ages - and mine weren't. They've on whole been good teens though when things have gone to pot been bloody grateful have DH as back up.

I do think DH and my relationship has suffered from lack of time - we're just getting to stage we can go away and do things again - though I do find it bloody irrating these still rare moments are pepper by IL with phone calls.

I feel for you OP and with two smaller kids there were times when I felt like you did. I remember seeing be of my friends describing the very early years as relentless, and that's always stuck with me. It's hard being a parent and often a real slog.

Mine are a bit older now (secondary age) and whilst sometimes they absolutely drive me up the wall, in the main they are nice people. Don't get me wrong, there are times when they're fighting, or answering back or whatever when I could happily walk out and not come back, but that's not that often.

DH and I are generally on the same page, parenting wise which helps I think. We have also made sure over the years to prioritise us as a couple from time to time, to have nights away or even little short holidays together, just the two of us. We both think it's important that you don't become someone whose kids are their whole personality as one day they'll probably be living their own lives, and not needing you as much. My older one now is becoming more independent and it won't be too many years until she's off to college or whatever. The thought of that terrifies me, but also, makes me realise I need to have my own life.

But I know what you mean about making loads of effort for children and them just not understanding that. It's so frustrating, but they're kids, and hopefully one day they'll look back and understand what you did for them.

It's not easy and if someone had told me how hard it can be before I had my first child 25 years ago I would have taken it on board and I certainly didn't have a rosey picture but I wouldn't have been able to really comprehend what "hard" meant or the profound and ongoing change to myself. I am saying "would have" because I can't even remember how I would have thought or how I used to feel (it was a long time ago!).

You never really get to say 'I've done a good job' as a parent because there are no useful measures and our children are destined to be as fallible as we are whatever we do. Besides which, until they have their own children they can be damning appraisers. So measuring the quality of their lives, their happiness and their errors against our past parenting performance becomes impossible when they are adult, yet I find myself thinking "has this happened because of me not doing that/doing this when they were younger?'. One of my adult children has some profound challenges that are down to brain chemistry rather than upbringing but I have nevertheless spent quite a few sleepless nights running over where I went wrong. It can feel like everyone else is swimming along just fine at any stage of parenting, but it isn't the case.

It isn't cosy and warm though those moments exist, 99% of it is not at all instagrammable. It's expensive, time consuming, scary and very challenging at times. All you can do is do your best to give them security, love and encouragement knowing that it will be imperfect and the challenges will shift and change but never entirely disappear.

Can you find yourself; yes but not the previous version. How to measure whether you're happy or not; tricky as happiness is not a destination but it's probably there among the present chaos and not left behind in a previous life. Yesterday I was moving a cupboard in my kitchen and found six plastic swords I'd confiscated over the years from my now adult DS. It made laugh to find them and remember the challenges at the time and how long ago it feels. And also that the last time anyone cleaned/dusted the cupboard was probably pre children, so that's another non-instagrammable area of my life.

I had DCs pre social media so didn't have these saccharine expectations.

I think it was much easier 20/30 years ago.

'Parenting' has become a kind of competitive hobby rather than just what adults do after having sex brings its consequences.

Kids these days aren't even happier with all this over parenting.

Childhoods were better when kids were more free range.

I always wonder why on threads like this the op doesn't ask people who have adult children to reply.

No offence but you have one 18 months old child. Your perspective on parenting is going to be much different than someone who has multiple children that they have parented for decades.

I really don’t think my expectations were down to social media at all to be honest, maybe a tiny fraction most of it was my own memories and the wider picture that society sells us, that it’s the most fulfilling thing you can do and the biggest joy a person can have in life, that it’s an amazing love like no other and so on. Society in general does tell people that.

Your children do bring joy but they often obliterate every other thing that once also brought you joy, they can be fulfilling but again they will reduce any time and energy you have for anything else you once found fulfilling to practically nothing. You love them madly but it’s also with a heavy dose of anxiety and guilt and other relationships suffer.

@tothelefttotheleft errr yeah that's why I caveated it quite clearly with one 18 month old and said of course with two kids it must be different. But also, clearly having adult kids is easier than having a toddler, so I don't fully follow you.

You really sound like you need more time and space for yourself. Does your DH help with this? If I was having a bath or something, then my husband wouldn't let the children bang on the door to bother me. Saying that, I get out of the house for 'me' time! Can you? You sound like you might be depressed with some of the things you've said, e.g., the children 'obliterating' things that once brought you joy?

How does having two primary aged kids obliterate everything else that brought you joy, though? That doesn't make any sense to me. What can't you do with two primary aged kids?

Does your DH not do his bit?

Yes, this. I still get to do things that brought me joy pre kid (bath, long run, whatever) because of DH. I get it if you're a single parent but you're not, which makes me think your DH doesn't do his bit.
And like I say I'm not saying my life isn't easier with one toddler as I'm sure it obviously is. That's the whole reason I mentioned it, in the interests of transparency.

I don't really relate to this, I just didn't have those expectations of motherhood and I've been pleasantly surprised how enjoyable the early years have been. I've carved out a decent amount of time to myself as I dont work ft, and that time when the dcs are in school/nursery is for my hobby/social time, not chores.

I've never got hung up about having a perfect house so I don't feel too bothered about that. And I don't get filled with guilt for doing things for myself. I dont use insta or FB, I use some other SM but not parenting accounts and mostly follow institutions or current affairs accounts, not individuals. I've never had much in the way of mum friends and don't get involved in gossip and comparisons. I think all of that can be toxic and it's been easier to just do the things we want as a family, without much involvement from others.