For many of us Motherhood is nothing like we think it will be

[Paloclasd]

I have two primary aged kids and while I love them so much and don’t actually regret having them, being a parent is a lot different than I expected it to be. When I try to think back to what I imagined I think I thought motherhood would be cosy and warm with lots of sweet moments full of love and happiness. The love is absolutely there but mostly its tinged with guilt and anxiety and you realise that the warm cosy moments are something you work hard to make happen for them and you at best at least most of the time only get to experience vicariously through them. Even when you go to a big effort to make something lovely experience happen for them, they don’t really enjoy it and focus on the one thing that is upsetting them.

I imagined I’d be doing lovely crafts and baking with my kids, but they aren’t interested really and even though we were very strict about screen time on any device and didn’t let them play with our phones they still mostly seem to want the television on or they want our phones and constantly ask for their own phone or tablet as “everyone else has one”.

The early years were tough, it felt like running an never ending marathon at times with the promise that things would get better soon but as they get older and somethings get a bit easier other things get harder.

I’m a quiet person and my home was always my sanctuary and I worked hard to keep it clean and well organized, to cook nice food and have this lovely warm safe place which I thought would be ideal to raise a family in but with the kids and working fulltime the house is always messy and not as clean as I’d like and while I try to prioritise healthy food more often than I’d like its quick beige dinners which the kids actually prefer and eat. While the healthy fresh from scratch foods I make are only grudgingly eaten. But I keep making them because I know they are better for all of us.

I am not sure my husband has ever recovered from the overwhelm of the early years and neither has our relationship. Life feels like a constant negotiation about childcare who will be picking them up, looking after them on this or that day if one of us has to go and do something else. If one of us has time away to do something nice then there is definitely a sense that the other is expecting their turn as well and there can at times be resentment. By the end of the day what with work and family life we are both exhausted and just want to be in our own space for a while which means we aren’t spending much quality time just the two of us which I know is bad but its like we both need to decompress from being around others all day to be reenergised for each other but there just aren’t enough hours in the day.

I did last year go away for a couple of days while my parents helped my DH look after the kids, it was lovely and I did feel so much better when I got back but I also felt guilty when I was away and cried because I missed them and then when I got back my youngest was so angry at me for going away even though I’d called them and brought them gifts.

People say it gets easier but honestly, I am not sure it does you just get used it. There is a kind of Stockholm syndrome involved in being a parent. I say all that and my kids are good kids. I don’t know if I’m unhappy or happy personally because my happiness is now tied to the happiness of my children and the parts of me that aren’t mum often feel like they are fading away. I had some money for Christmas from my parents but when I got out to spend it I ended up buying things for the kids because I couldn’t even decide what I might like as I don’t have time for much anymore and I am fed up buying bits for an at home facial and then never using them or I use it once or twice and forget about it because I am too busy and too tired. All this isn’t even to mention the worry I have for their futures will they be able to find good work, get an education, buy a home or even find partners.

Still I post the cute photos online for my family of my kids in the one photo where they were smiling before all hell broke loose. I don’t tell people that DH and I rarely have sex anymore and that I’m too tired for it anyway. Perhaps it was always this hard but our expectations now are that we can have families and still be ourselves with free time, hobbies, relationships and so on.

Again I don’t regret them but it’s just nothing like I imagined and I’ve lost myself to the degree that it’s hard to tell if I’m happy or not.

The best Mum you can give to your child is a Mum who is (usually) relaxed and happy. And if you need to cut a lot of corners to feel more relaxed and happy Then. Cut. The. Corners.

I never baked with our DDs, as I hate baking. They did it sometimes with my Mum and that was good enough.

I very rarely did any messy play with them because it stressed me out. I sent them to nursery 2 days a week to enjoy those sort of things.

I read with them a lot because I enjoyed it and believed it to be very important.

Their diet was only 'okay'. I often ended up serving beige food or snacky stuff. DD1 still went on to play 2 sports at County level and DD2 was a competitive gymnast.

I let them have quite a lot of screen time when they wanted it. Didn't stop them both going to a grammar school and getting very good exam results.

We did family stuff at weekends but DH was absolutely expected to be involved and hands on.

If at all possible Get. A. Cleaner.

Children don't care if the cake they're eating is homemade, or if the pizza they're eating was made from scratch, or whether their school shirt has been meticulously ironed, or whether veg has come from your own allotment.

They don't notice or care about any of that stuff. But they will notice if you're always stressed and uptight, and shattered.

Cut the corners and be a better parent. You have my permission.

I used to ask DH to watch the kids while I studied or house painted and would rapidly find I'd end up with them in same room as me wanting attention - and when confrounted he insist he was watching them.

Either he and the kids or I had to leave the house - so couldn't slip into wanting Mummy.

If it was just me then often TV on for 20-30 minutes gave me some headspace.

Also look at where the time/energy sinks are - is it HW/commute/work - can anything be done. Also even my DH had to stop hobbies for a period of time - money and time wise couldn't do he went back quicker than I did mainly as he made it a priorty for him - so is it just you stopping things you love - can you get back to them when kids get older?

The trouble with parenthood is that it's the largest financial investment you will ever make but you don't get to choose your children, there are no money -back guarantees or 14 day cooling off periods and very few instruction manuals that suit the model of child you have committed to.

Ti be honest it was much better than I expected.
The baby years and toddler years were OK but after that it became much more fun.
The best years were the teens. I loved them.

@TuesdayRubies I think all perspectives are valid whatever the stage/age our children are at and you did qualify what you said. I'm not so sure having adult children is easier, at least young adults (18-24) are not always easy. The problems when they happen are often complex and hard to watch as you can't and shouldn't step in (not straightaway anyway) which can be a hard instinct to quell when you've spent years responding to their needs. But that's just the stage I'm at and I've probably forgotten the many challenges of the early years.

I've found some of the least helpful advice I've been given about having young children is from the parents of adult children. You forget over time, and people tend to over-romanticise earlier stages in comparison to their current one. Mine are the same ages as OPs and I already feel I've forgotten a lot about babies and toddlers - having done it before doesn't mean you're the best person to help right now.

the wider picture that society sells us, that it’s the most fulfilling thing you can do and the biggest joy a person can have in life,

You must have been listening to a different part of society to me.

I grew up thinking being a parent particularly a mother was a life of drudgery and difficulties.

I guess it didn't help that my parents had more children than they could afford. Only one of my many siblings has more than 3 children, which I felt they couldn't afford. Everyone else has worked hard to ensure their children has all the extras they think we missed out on.

This is such a sad post and for me a real indictment of modern society. I feel a bit the same as you but I loved the early years with my Dc. We didn't have screens, I could control the food they had and as we lived quite rurally we had quite a simple lifestyle. I look back on it now really fondly. However, I have 4 DC and as the older ones had more freedoms, they younger ones didn't get the same experience as they were exposed to things at a far younger age.

The youngest is now a teen and I am constantly in battle with them to get them to make healthy choices around screens, food and activities. I can limit it as much as I want but they're surrounded by others who think nothing of the things that I feel strongly against.

From saying your parents had to 'help' your partner with his own children while.you were away. I'd surmise you're feeling the way you do because you do more than your share.
I also think working ft and expecting to be Mary Poppins when you come home is completely unrealistic for all but the most superhuman of people.
Keep your standards re. Screens and food but relax about taking the easy route sometimes.
Try to add a bit of spontaneity in your relationship with your children so you're not just a workhorse in their eyes. Think of a place you really liked as a kid and hop in a car/train and just take them there one weekend, no warning, no prep. Remember that you're not just their caretaker, you're their guide to the world and to life.
I don't mean to sound trite or flippant. I know it's a drudge. But you can choose to break that wide open from.time to time.

I think raising children well is hard. We could definitely do a less good job and it be easier but if you are trying to raise well-adjusted, well educated, independent adults who will (hopefully) fledge into the world full of promise and the ability to have a career then parenting that into fruition takes a lot of time and energy.

We’ve just come back from a short break and it was a whirlwind of fluctuating emotions from the kids. We had to stay calm in the face of adversity and hold our boundaries when it would have been easier to think ‘fuck it’ and cave.

I also thought raising children would be a something out of an Enid Blyton book and I definitely had to readjust bloody early in the journey. Now I relish seeing them go out into the world and have small triumphs. When they play their sports or ace a test and race home to tell me. Those are our precious moments rather than reading a book in front of a fire or a woodland stroll.

Someone once said ‘meet your children where they are’ which I thought was excellent advice, instead of trying to mould them into what you think they should be to fit the image you had of motherhood.

I can relate to this. My ExH was a rubbish husband and barely there father. Left for the OW when our youngest was 14wks old (the others were 2yo and 6yo).

Had to leave my fantastic career to get a job that was more compatible with being a single parent of three children. I worked full-time until I was eventually able to go part time. Spent the next 12yrs organising my life around the children while my ExH had them 4 days a month and did the big fun things without any real responsibility.

Then last year he returned to the area and the oldest two (now 14 and 18) decided they were going to live with their dad.

Yep - motherhood has definitely panned out to be completely different to what I thought it would be.

Bloody hell @ItsKaos what a nightmare! I bet you're a lovely mum and they'll be back to you soon enough.

AHH, lovely...the bits you are describing as difficult actually DO get easier/better as they get older. you will have more space and time to yourself as they grow older

do you think you are depressed, would antidepressants help get through it??

oh love 💔

@ItsKaos When they're older they will realise what you did for them, and what your ex didn't do for them

Adult children are not always easier than toddlers. Certainly hasn't been in the case for me. For example when they are toddlers you control everything.

Anyway I didn't mean my post to you in a nasty way.

Your post really resonates with me. I have two small kids and find parenting relentless. I think it's partly modern standards, partly my own standards and partly that parenting (well) is just hard.

I was in my late 30s when I had my kids so I know I'm happier with them, even though I get frustrated with the chaos and fights and mess. They give me much more of a sense of purpose which I was lacking before. I miss carefree walks and watching movies and getting home and relaxing but I can appreciate that for me the good bits now are much better than the good bits in my single life and I just remind myself of that.

I take the kids to really mundane places and they have the best time and make me laugh a lot and I just have to gloss over the inevitable tantrum or toilet accident or injury at the end.

I don't think I'm depressed as in "mentally unwell", I'm probably just not very happy or fulfilled in my life right now. I know I was much happier before I had children in almost every aspect of my life and if I woke up tomorrow back in that life I'd probably also be much happier except of course I now couldn't wish my children into non existence. I love them so much but being a mum makes me unhappy.

I agree. It's a complete gamble and you don't know how you will feel. For me it's been the opposite of your experience. It's a real joy and I like this life better than my pre-kids life. But that's not me doing anything to make that happen - just the luck of the drawer. I think some people just find it much harder than others.

*draw

I think we all have different expectations of motherhood ranging from blissful contentment to bleak drugery and loss of identity. My expectations were somewhere in the middle - I always expected it to be chaotic and exhausting but sensed it could be really wonderful too. I don't think I was prepared to be stretched as much as I have been - my kids are all young adults now and tbh I'm running on empty. Joy and despair have gone hand in hand.

I don't really have any pearls of wisdom as there are just too many variables in terms of partner relationship, number of kids, disability, mental health, working/sahp that shape how we parent but I do remember someone wise once told me we tend to parent how we would have liked to be parented. This resonated with me. I certainly tried to fill the gaps my own negligent parents left. The irony is I have a suspicion that my own kids may be much more 'laid back' parents when the time comes in reaction to my 'over-investment' in them.

I didn't think parenting would be all roses, I knew it would be hard work but I also thought it would be nice at least some of the time, that there would be times I felt happy and fulfilled by having had children but it isn't like that at all.

Definitely make time for yourself and your relationship. Being a parent is a slog. I’m battle weary from it and absolutely loved being a mom. Thankfully my marriage has survived and we are still happy together.

When they were very young babies mine didn't really sleep very well so the sleep deprivation was hard but I really enjoyed the years when they were little and discovering everything. I'm not a timetabled person or particularly organised Mum, I'm a bit young at heart so it helped as I genuinely liked doing things like singing with them, putting on plays, making films with their teddies and toys. Now mine are teens I really miss book time as I loved that time, 5 picture books a night, lost in the world of fiction, it was such a beautiful time for me that when I was no longer needed to read the books, I sort of felt bereft. Some of our favourite books were written by Shirley Hughes and when she died a couple of years ago I was quite sad as it reminded me of those times and my two were pretty much Alfie and his little sister, they even looked like them!

As teens I equally am lucky as my eldest will talk to me about all sorts of things. My youngest is hilarious but I'm not really formal with them so I get their grievances about petty rules at school for example as it was the same for me. They are just well rounded young people with their own personalities though, my expectations aren't unrealistic as I remember being that age so it works I suppose and I'm probably very lucky tbh!