For many of us Motherhood is nothing like we think it will be

[Paloclasd]

I have two primary aged kids and while I love them so much and don’t actually regret having them, being a parent is a lot different than I expected it to be. When I try to think back to what I imagined I think I thought motherhood would be cosy and warm with lots of sweet moments full of love and happiness. The love is absolutely there but mostly its tinged with guilt and anxiety and you realise that the warm cosy moments are something you work hard to make happen for them and you at best at least most of the time only get to experience vicariously through them. Even when you go to a big effort to make something lovely experience happen for them, they don’t really enjoy it and focus on the one thing that is upsetting them.

I imagined I’d be doing lovely crafts and baking with my kids, but they aren’t interested really and even though we were very strict about screen time on any device and didn’t let them play with our phones they still mostly seem to want the television on or they want our phones and constantly ask for their own phone or tablet as “everyone else has one”.

The early years were tough, it felt like running an never ending marathon at times with the promise that things would get better soon but as they get older and somethings get a bit easier other things get harder.

I’m a quiet person and my home was always my sanctuary and I worked hard to keep it clean and well organized, to cook nice food and have this lovely warm safe place which I thought would be ideal to raise a family in but with the kids and working fulltime the house is always messy and not as clean as I’d like and while I try to prioritise healthy food more often than I’d like its quick beige dinners which the kids actually prefer and eat. While the healthy fresh from scratch foods I make are only grudgingly eaten. But I keep making them because I know they are better for all of us.

I am not sure my husband has ever recovered from the overwhelm of the early years and neither has our relationship. Life feels like a constant negotiation about childcare who will be picking them up, looking after them on this or that day if one of us has to go and do something else. If one of us has time away to do something nice then there is definitely a sense that the other is expecting their turn as well and there can at times be resentment. By the end of the day what with work and family life we are both exhausted and just want to be in our own space for a while which means we aren’t spending much quality time just the two of us which I know is bad but its like we both need to decompress from being around others all day to be reenergised for each other but there just aren’t enough hours in the day.

I did last year go away for a couple of days while my parents helped my DH look after the kids, it was lovely and I did feel so much better when I got back but I also felt guilty when I was away and cried because I missed them and then when I got back my youngest was so angry at me for going away even though I’d called them and brought them gifts.

People say it gets easier but honestly, I am not sure it does you just get used it. There is a kind of Stockholm syndrome involved in being a parent. I say all that and my kids are good kids. I don’t know if I’m unhappy or happy personally because my happiness is now tied to the happiness of my children and the parts of me that aren’t mum often feel like they are fading away. I had some money for Christmas from my parents but when I got out to spend it I ended up buying things for the kids because I couldn’t even decide what I might like as I don’t have time for much anymore and I am fed up buying bits for an at home facial and then never using them or I use it once or twice and forget about it because I am too busy and too tired. All this isn’t even to mention the worry I have for their futures will they be able to find good work, get an education, buy a home or even find partners.

Still I post the cute photos online for my family of my kids in the one photo where they were smiling before all hell broke loose. I don’t tell people that DH and I rarely have sex anymore and that I’m too tired for it anyway. Perhaps it was always this hard but our expectations now are that we can have families and still be ourselves with free time, hobbies, relationships and so on.

Again I don’t regret them but it’s just nothing like I imagined and I’ve lost myself to the degree that it’s hard to tell if I’m happy or not.

Their banging in the door when your in the bath, you have a husband issue.

It's lonely. Until I was a mum I never understood how lonely it can feel and also how much I'd yearn for my own mother (died when I was 2). I'm estranged from all my family so it can get very lonely.

I think people forget that our children are humans.

Think about it. We never have such an unrealistic expectation on other human beings. Why do we treat our children like they don’t come with their very own personalities, likes, dislikes and quirks that we have zero control over?

Im not having a go, but when you see parenting as a person who you have a privilege to guide through babyhood, childhood, adolescence and then adulthood - you will view it in a complete different light.

The difference with children is that we have to (well you don’t actually have to - some people forfeit the responsibility) have to live with them and raise them, and just like anyone else you have to live with, your lives are intertwined - and well as the parent we have to sacrifice that litttle but more for them compared to other human beings. I mean I’ve met people that have sacrificed more for their husbands or relatives that they have to care for - over some parents - again, not in a horrible way - but it just highlights that we can view our children as parts of our lives.

I don’t mean to romanticise parenting. I say this as a parent of 2 - a teen and a baby and spending 10 years as a single parent! So yes it’s hard but what made parenting much much easier for me was bringing my child into my life. I worked, and I came back home, but I did not let mum guilt tell me that I’m not doing good enough. As others have said, sometimes meals were too beige for my likings - but we also always had a fruit bowl. In the evenings we did what we could for “fun” together - even if it was as “cheap” as making up our own stories or making up a costume for world book day - or watching Tv together. We went on outings pretty much every weekend - and some were disastrous because maybe she didn’t want to go out - but in hindsight, every single thing is a memory. And now that she is a teen we actually laugh and joke about moments she remembers - and I’m often shocked at how the basic memories (like car journies to school or a random conversation, or the day she had to come into work with me because I didn’t have babysitting) have made it into her memory bank.

Oh and I took all the help that was offered to me (both family and paying for it via work schemes).

Have people not been to shopping centres, past schools, seen relatives or friends children? I really think people must be living under a rock to not have any idea on children and how they can be.

I cant say it is better or worse than I thought as like anything I thought there would be good and bad times and no child I have ever been around before I had my own made me think eveything would be perfect when I had my own

Even if you have not been around kids a lot what about your own parents stories of general you or relatives

I love my toddler to death but I find parenting a total grind, so much so that I packed my husband off for a vasectomy when our child was six months old because I could not bear having another - I had always envisaged having two, but I knew I would dissolve completely (I had quite severe PND). We don’t have any support so it’s been relentless. I’m not complaining about that, we knew that would be the case, but I’m so glad I re-adjusted my expectations and stuck with one because I truly think I’d have been underwater with two.

I feel a lot of guilt about not feeling like a natural mother. I do breastfeeding support and all the other ladies coo over the new babies and all want another, when they already have multiples, and I feel like there is a deficiency within me that I just don’t want that and, in many ways, I do sometimes regret having one at all. I know that’ll pass though, I have certain life ambitions that are currently impossible with a small child in tow but it’s only a season.

I reached into the bathtub the other night for whatever was clogging the drain. It was a large egg like toddler poop that he had sneakily dropped in there. I knew parenting would involve poop, but not like this. Sometimes I’d like an erase button (on the incidents, not the child) 😂.

I don't think I had many expectations. My parents worked outside the home a lot and I was in school or mostly alone in my bedroom. I chose a different lifestyle to that so there isn't really anything similar to compare to. (At primary age I had to WFH due to disability, then it was lockdowns). I suppose I expected it would be like the full-time time version of the childcare I'd provided in the 6 years prior to starting my own family. The children I cared for were very different to mine though. Luckily I felt so strongly about how to care for my child with ASN and was forced to advocate for them, it came so strongly and naturally, and it was so hard, that the combo meant it was very fulfilling. It also came after infertility so maybe I appreciated it more.

Had I conceived quickly with relatively easy children then it might've felt differently. I also wonder if having a husband that's a useless parent also makes it much worse. I did 100% of the childcare so I wasn't constantly waiting for help and getting frustrated, I just knew I was doing it and got on with it. I made friends on maternity leave with other mums too so gaining a new family member and making friends only enriched my life.

Just wanted to say I really feel for you, it sounds like a tough time. Completely valid to feel the way you feel. Everyone has a different experience, I don't think it's comparable. Some good ideas from others on how you can find some more space and me-time, because it really sounds like you need a break.

What I found so difficult was how often young children are unwell. Mine had cold after cold. Ear infections, chest infections. One was in hospital with bronchiolitis, one had pneumonia. Two of them had tonsils and adenoids out. One had a hernia repair. Two developed asthma. And as for sickness and diarrhoea, I lost count how many times we all had that! They had chicken pox, mumps, one had full blown measles.

Apart from that, I loved being a mum. It got easier as they got older.

OP, I think you have to put your foot down with your kids and DH to carve out some 'me time' for yourself to rediscover your own interests.

Don't let them dictate (e.g. how long you are allowed to spend in the bathroom!). I worked with a colleague who had the most entitled kids who rang her constantly with their demands. She was completely wiped out all the time, foind it difficult to contribute to conversations meaningfully, and not particularly good at her job either.

Someone posted once about the fact that some kids (and partners) see mothers as just a resource, which can then dictate their future relationships. They need to see you as a person. You can absolutely change things.

I hated pregnancy but I wanted more children, so I bared with it. I gritted my teeth and did what I had to do to. Now, dc are slightly older and things are definitely a lot easier. I think the issue for me, is that there isn't enough hours in a day.

I'm the second oldest child and I saw how dm raised my youngest sister (I'm 17 years older than her). So I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Most things in life that require a lot of effort have the best reward.

How long are you on your phone? I find being on the phone decrease my happiness. As I miss out on the small things that bring a smile to my face.

If you never liked baking, you not going ro magically start loving it. Your children have their own little personality, which means they would like their own little things. It is about watching and seeing them develop into their own little personality. Whilst giving them healthy boundaries and keeping them safe. For example, dc loves throwing. So I took him to boxing club. Because there were no throwing club I knew around.
He is not allowed to throw things in the house, but so far boxing is helping.

Can you look for another job? If you not happy in the one you are in, those feelings can follow you around. We spend a lot of our life's at work, so doing something that makes us happier/ more content should be a life goal.

I had my first two kids young (early twenties) and I found it quite easy and enjoyed doing all the kid stuff but I had boundless energy and a lot of family support.

I had DS in my late thirties and I was exhausted permanently, no family support as they are too elderly now to help in fact I am supporting them. LIt fe has become similar to what you describe but I know not everyone has that experience

I imagined it would be hard work and relentless and it is, so that wasn't a shock.
Now I have a 14 year old and a 12 year old. The younger (primary school) years were really lovely. Lots of happy times and beautiful moments.
I didn't realise just how hard it would be to have a teenager and see them constantly pulling away from you. I miss the child I used to have. I miss spending time with them. Now I'm just an irritation to them.
I miss frequent family days out. Now it's a struggle to get them out of the house.
I didn't realise how anxious I'd feel. One of my children struggles with life. It's true that you're only as happy as your unhappiness child. Their struggles are my pain.
One child only eats beige food. I imagined family meals together every night, talking about our days. Thus is far from reality!
I didn't realise how much time would be spent on screens and gaming. It's rather depressing.

My DH and I are struggling OP and we are in the early years with one kid. We won’t have another. No one in our circle knows that we were talking about separation two times since we had DC. We also don’t have sex much and I can’t even remember when I felt anything other than old, huge and haggard. Having a kid is a big strain. I agree that motherhood is not cosy at all! It is hard work.

Just to note that this is just a vent and my DC is loved and cared for!

I love your honesty here. The first few years of parenting are an absolute shit show. No matter how much love is there it's a powder keg of emotion and with the wrong person, or not enough support it's just a disaster.

We only have one and the first few years nearly broke us. It really does get better. DD is a teen now and while there's a whole host of issues and difficulties, there's a whole lot less cortisol swimming around and we get lots of evenings together while she is galavanting with her friends.

I do have some lovely, warm, snuggly moments with my DC, but that's because I've lowered my standards to what many people would consider an unacceptable extent. Twice a week we have easy dinners with beige food or takeaways in front of the TV and we snuggle up with blankets and a movie and the older one can be on devices if he wants, I don't care, and I put my feet up and blob, and they both climb on and off my lap or make a den under my legs and I tickle them and the living-room ends up looking like a bomb-site but I don't care because we can't have everything and they giggle a lot, which is funny.

Yeah I always say my girls won't be sold a fairytale like I was. One of mine is 9 now but still have a 1 year old so I know it gets better. I've learnt that you need to grab the moments that are 'yours' and sit in those gratefully otherwise you're constantly chasing them. We quite often get them up and out and do a lap of the park, play area and then have a couple of glasses of wine while they eat chips and play boards games/watch something on our phone on the way back. Those sorts of afternoons seem to be the ones where I enjoy parenting the most. I agree about the working week, it feels so transactional and sometimes the shock of walking into the house after a day of safeguarding children to do dinner, bath, bed, homework, tidying etc is hard to manage. We also have the 'oneupmanship' of if one does something for a weekend then the other is thinking about what they can do for their turn. It's not great but I think it's only human, all my friends have it too. I just think the more you lean into it and accept it the more you can find happiness in the midst of it xxx

It was the opposite for me too. I wanted no children, no desire and thought it looked like hard work. I had a body clock moment and dh and I agreed to change our minds and try for a baby. I loved it so much that we had 2 more.
I didn't change myself to raise my dc. I did it how I wanted to do it and did what I wanted to do. I love certain places so took dc to those. Like galleries and exploring different towns. I hated soft play so we never went there.
I did give in to the playground as Dc really loved them but I loved walking in the park, having a picnic and playing with a ball or frisbee, so we did more of that.
I was also working part time which makes an absolutely massive difference.
It would have been a totally different experience if I'd been working full time and I dread to think how stressed I would have been.

I’ve enjoyed it, my DC are mid 20’s and 30’s now and I’m starting to feel a bit over it all mostly as I’m getting older. I am looking forward to when my youngest two DC eventually leave home.

Once they got to about 3.5 I found it pretty easy, I didn’t find the teenage years too challenging. We’ve had a dramas but nothing more than I expected. I think I didn’t really know what to expect, I was young when I had my first and I think that helped.

I have adult children and young children and I’m completely burnt out. If I never go to the park again it will be too soon.

I love simple things like walking in the woods and thought we’d spend hours outside in nature. Turns out it’s not much fun when it takes them 20 minutes just to put their shoes on and they refuse to wear a coat and insist of taking a bag full of unnecessary crap and complain every 3 seconds that their legs are tired and actually you get quite cold when you’re walking so fecking slowly and then you finally get in the woods and it’s enjoyable for about 20 minutes while they run around having fun but then they’re suddenly starving and freezing and you have to somehow get two complete dead weights home again as well as carrying all their crap and the snacks they don’t want despite being starving and the coats you brought anyway that they’re refusing to put on despite being freezing because “the coat makes me feel more cold” and someone has stepped in a dog poo so you have to clean their shoe off and finally you get them home and they’re covered in mud so you have to change their clothes and then the endless cycle of meals and clearing up and dishes and laundry starts again. Ugh.

It does get easier through the second half of primary school but I’m hoping for an easier ride through the teenage years than I had first time around.

I love it all and it’s exactly how I imagined. My child is turning 16 soon so it’s not the words of a naïve new mum.

Mine are 8 and 5. The early years stretched me beyond belief. Both were bad sleepers, so I regularly got only a couple of broken hours sleep each night. My eldest got ill a lot and had to stay over in hospital several times. Then having to look after a baby and preschooler during lockdown and not allowed any company, everything shut and the eldest wanting to play constantly while I was trying to feed and comfort a small baby. Then my ex left when my youngest was just one.

Now things feel easier. Both kids are more patient, I can go to the toilet or have a quick shower. I like being at the park with them and having little chats at night. There are still tricky times when they argue but it’s been over a year since the last noro virus outbreak; which has to be a win 😄

I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves as mums. Well that and the media puts too much pressure on mums.
I know that is my fateful flaw for certain.
OP i feel pretty much the same a ypu but trying to deal with it now. Being back at work 1 day or 2 days a week gives me space to be my old self from a working perspective and now thinking about my own children for about 5 hours is actually weird but no doubt and to be going well so far.
Hobbies and interests need to be worked on but as you all prob will say we have less time for those now so maybe luck a hobby and focus on that... just hard only picking one....