For many of us Motherhood is nothing like we think it will be

[Paloclasd]

I have two primary aged kids and while I love them so much and don’t actually regret having them, being a parent is a lot different than I expected it to be. When I try to think back to what I imagined I think I thought motherhood would be cosy and warm with lots of sweet moments full of love and happiness. The love is absolutely there but mostly its tinged with guilt and anxiety and you realise that the warm cosy moments are something you work hard to make happen for them and you at best at least most of the time only get to experience vicariously through them. Even when you go to a big effort to make something lovely experience happen for them, they don’t really enjoy it and focus on the one thing that is upsetting them.

I imagined I’d be doing lovely crafts and baking with my kids, but they aren’t interested really and even though we were very strict about screen time on any device and didn’t let them play with our phones they still mostly seem to want the television on or they want our phones and constantly ask for their own phone or tablet as “everyone else has one”.

The early years were tough, it felt like running an never ending marathon at times with the promise that things would get better soon but as they get older and somethings get a bit easier other things get harder.

I’m a quiet person and my home was always my sanctuary and I worked hard to keep it clean and well organized, to cook nice food and have this lovely warm safe place which I thought would be ideal to raise a family in but with the kids and working fulltime the house is always messy and not as clean as I’d like and while I try to prioritise healthy food more often than I’d like its quick beige dinners which the kids actually prefer and eat. While the healthy fresh from scratch foods I make are only grudgingly eaten. But I keep making them because I know they are better for all of us.

I am not sure my husband has ever recovered from the overwhelm of the early years and neither has our relationship. Life feels like a constant negotiation about childcare who will be picking them up, looking after them on this or that day if one of us has to go and do something else. If one of us has time away to do something nice then there is definitely a sense that the other is expecting their turn as well and there can at times be resentment. By the end of the day what with work and family life we are both exhausted and just want to be in our own space for a while which means we aren’t spending much quality time just the two of us which I know is bad but its like we both need to decompress from being around others all day to be reenergised for each other but there just aren’t enough hours in the day.

I did last year go away for a couple of days while my parents helped my DH look after the kids, it was lovely and I did feel so much better when I got back but I also felt guilty when I was away and cried because I missed them and then when I got back my youngest was so angry at me for going away even though I’d called them and brought them gifts.

People say it gets easier but honestly, I am not sure it does you just get used it. There is a kind of Stockholm syndrome involved in being a parent. I say all that and my kids are good kids. I don’t know if I’m unhappy or happy personally because my happiness is now tied to the happiness of my children and the parts of me that aren’t mum often feel like they are fading away. I had some money for Christmas from my parents but when I got out to spend it I ended up buying things for the kids because I couldn’t even decide what I might like as I don’t have time for much anymore and I am fed up buying bits for an at home facial and then never using them or I use it once or twice and forget about it because I am too busy and too tired. All this isn’t even to mention the worry I have for their futures will they be able to find good work, get an education, buy a home or even find partners.

Still I post the cute photos online for my family of my kids in the one photo where they were smiling before all hell broke loose. I don’t tell people that DH and I rarely have sex anymore and that I’m too tired for it anyway. Perhaps it was always this hard but our expectations now are that we can have families and still be ourselves with free time, hobbies, relationships and so on.

Again I don’t regret them but it’s just nothing like I imagined and I’ve lost myself to the degree that it’s hard to tell if I’m happy or not.

When our youngest hit 10 life changed as you can physically move around a bit more unburdened.

It's bloody hard work that's for sure.

But absolutely DON'T neglect or sacrifice yourself or your relationship on the altar of perfect parenting.

Your DC need to know that mum and dad have hobbies/interests and spend time together that they enjoy too. That some evenings/afternoons or whatever mum and dad do things without them, whether separately or together. That as a family, the money and time is to be enjoyed by all of you. That often work and housework has to come first so that you can ask live comfortably in a nice home.

I believe that children get a sense of day-to-day security and love over a long period of time, not just the special moments. Don't sweat the things that are outside of your control. Don't worry about their future relationships or uni while they're at primary school. Just bring them up to be the most independent, well-adjusted kids they can be.

My advice would be to take up a hobby outside the house... something that's a group endeavour. So not just a French class or an exercise class, but a team sport, or community drama, something where you'd be letting people down if you weren't there. You'll develop lovely relationships outside of the home and your children will admire you for it. Encourage your DH to do the same. One day you'll be empty nesters and you'll be glad of it.

I've also been shocked by the reality of motherhood. I knew it would be hard. But in all previous areas of my life, I've put the effort in and it's paid off. With parenting it feels like you do everything you can to build a nice life for them and they still aren't happy. And even when they are you're so knackered and stressed doing everything you can't really enjoy it anyway. Things like Christmas or holidays where I thought we'd create nice memories together are awful as everyone is overwhelmed and kicks off. It's exhausting and disappointing.

I completely agree with your post. The only difference is that I had no expectations about parenthood. Even without any expectations, though, adjusting to motherhood has been challenging for me. I’d say 90% of my experience as a mum is driven by a sense of responsibility and I don’t resent that. However I do feel like I’ve become a completely different person from who I used to be.

At first I missed my old self, but over time I came to accept that motherhood is a major life transition. I may never be the same person I once was and that’s okay. Maybe I need to actively explore this new version of myself so I don’t feel empty or disconnected.

Yes, that's true for me to. Making a real effort to give them a good childhood and they're not happy anyway. One of my children is very anxious and finds life difficult. No matter what we try and do to make life easier for them they don't seem happy. For example, we're taking them abroad this half term but they're just pis5ed off about it and want to stay at home instead. It's quite discouraging.

I guess you will get as many responses as there are children on whether motherhood is worth it or not. Depends on so many factors.
That said, I do think you could make things slightly easier for yourself, but i sense that's unsolicited advice that you don't want or need.

https://amzn.eu/d/8LSKTXi

This book made me feel understood. I've now got a teenager who calls me a fat fucking cunt when she doesn't get her own way. Roll on frontal lobe development 😌

This is very sensible advice. It's vital that your child sees you don't exist just to cater to their every need. They need to see you are you own person with some interests/hobbies aside from The Family.

They will respect you more for it.

What? Seriously? The very first time either of our DDs dared speak to me like that I would have descended on them like the very Wrath Of God.

There is never any excuse for speaking to your parent (or your child) like that.

Yes, I was shocked by that too. My teenager can be a little rude and disinterested with me but would never dream of saying that.

No calling me bitch or cunt or fat in this house, frontal development or not.

This is a really interesting thread.

I'm really fascinated by how many posters seem to think their purpose in life is to make their dc happy. And who are upset when everything they are doing for their dcs is not making them happy.

I don't see that my purpose as a mother is to make my dcs happy. Provide them with a stable, loving family life. Teach them right from wrong, help them navigate becoming independent adults. Happiness isn't an end in itself for me, it comes as a result of having a purpose in life. Also I don't think too much introspection and dwelling on whether you are happy or not is ever good for a person.

I have long since given up on making my dc happy all the time. Fool's errand. I look to making myself happy at least half the time. They came along with me to stuff that made me happy. Including snorkelling the Barrier Reef.

I knew that I wouldn't be willing or able to be the kind of mum I wanted to be to more than one child. So I have one. People call me selfish for that too, but I'm a much better mum to her than I would be if she had siblings

I wonder if you and your husband are introverts. I am. I desperately need to to decompress and living with two loud and messy children must be so very hard.

Don't lose yourself in trying to be perfect.

It doesn't have to be that way - you can choose to keep your own identity, keep time for yourself, and focus on the positives and good times. Why bother feeling guilty for having time to yourself, what's the point? It will make you feel happier and that's better for everyone.

Statutory moaning gave me a chuckle! A really nice phrase to remember as they get older that it is part of their job description to find us annoying.

I hope so.

Today, DD2's new GP practice (he's changed it from the one that was literally a 5 min walk from her school to the one where she now lives with him - half an hour away - a bit bonkers when you think that she'd have to leave for school before the GP opens for appointment bookings and would have to go back if she got one or she'd have to stay at his house and risk being very late for school having not having secured an appointment). Anyway the GP practice phoned me to make sure the GP move was all okay.

I sent him a text to let him know that that DD2 should now be registered at his GP surgery and he's been going mental on text spouting sexism, the system favouring the mother. Full on fathers for justice style crap.

I tried to reassure him that it was probably just because I registered her at her last GP so they needed to check but he's gone full on aggressive about it.

FFS - there is probably no link between them on NHS systems seeing as it's been 12 years since he left and he never did life admin in the first place.