DS school refusal is driving me mad

[VerityUnreasonble]

I'll start this I guess by saying I'm not expecting any magic solutions, I'm mostly just having a moan.

DS is in year 7, we've had issues with him refusing school for the last 3 years. His attendance hovers around 85% which was much the same in year 6, it was slightly better in year 5.

DS has a diagnosis of ASD, he is academically very able, socially not so much but he's not upset by this.

Reasons he currently refuses to go in are:

He's tired (probably true - he is under sleep clinic and prescribed melatonin, also slightly defiencient in vitamin D and B12 which he is being treated for)

He doesn't feel well (sort of true - usually means he has a slight cold)

He has to go too much / there are too many days in a school year (this is his major reason at the moment, he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like it and feels he has to be there too often)

It starts too early (he will occasionally go in slightly later or for the afternoon)

There are various lessons / things he dislikes (sports/ presentations etc. - contributes to some days being worse than others)

Have tried both carrot and stick approach, the only thing he's really fussed about is access to his tech but even using that as a bribe / punishment isn't effective. Have tried reasoning and talking, he can explain very eloquently the reasons he should go, and even wants to go, he just still doesn't.

I'm missing bits of work, being late, having to rearrange things. I'm stressed about it all the time. School have requested a meeting in a couple of weeks to discuss "how to improve things" but honestly I have no idea.

I just have no idea how things are going to get better!

Plus, they are compulsory for school, so it would be a bit self defeating with the whole school refusal thing to send him back without his screen only to have him immediately put in isolation and ultimately expelled.

I am on a Facebook group with a lot of other PDA parents. A lot of them are really poor.

Job loss followed by awful struggles making ends meet is sadly not at all unusual.

A lot are single parents (usually mums) too.

What do you think people do if they have a child who can't be left home alone?
Yes, people lose jobs, or have to change jobs, or might have to move house.
If you can't force the child into school, or the school can't keep hold of the child, and you can't leave them alone - you don't have a choice.

So in other words, no you haven't really tried removing them long term

Are you thinking that children who can't go to school, would suddenly decide they can go to school if they have no screens at home?

Why is it so important that he attends school full time?

I have some experience and if you could see some of the stress and anxiety a child can endure when there then you’d see it’s not always the best place for them to be

Is there a pattern to his absences? Days, times?

In a sense he is being controlling and by doing that he reduces his anxiety

However I’ve never seen a child who does not respond to having their special interest dangled in front of them!

I would look into a potential befriender - you might have to pay for this - someone external once a week to come and take him out for a few hours doing an activity

Can he go in earlier than everyone else? Can he leave later than everyone? Can he go home for lunch?

Keep him as socially flexible as possible

but don’t think school is the be all and end all

or if you can afford it send him to a specific school with small classes

I was your child and sadly there is no easy answer. When I decided I couldn't go, nothing could make me. The most my mother could do was stand over me and force me into my uniform then drag me out of the house and leave me on the street where I would just sit and cry. There were even times she would smack the shit out of me and I still wouldn't go. Punishments and bribes make no difference because it is 100% not a parenting issue. It's an autism issue.

In the end, the only thing that had any kind of effect was everyone taking a big hands-off approach. I didn't have to do PE. I didn't have to do presentations. Any activities that involved a change of scenery I didn't have to attend. I wasn't forced to do homework at home, and if I didn't submit homework in school I wasn't punished for it. I was allowed to leave the room when I needed to. I was allowed to eat my lunch in a classroom rather than in the noisy canteen. If I did take a day off, nothing was said about it, I was just given copies of the work I missed.

Basically as much stress and pressure as possible was taken away so I wouldn't fear going. And when that pressure was gone, it was easier to choose to do something I didn't like. Even with all that, I still missed around 1 day a fortnight (usually a Friday because I was mentally exhausted and the weekend was so close), but that was a huge improvement over having weeks and months off at a time.

Thankfully things do get somewhat easier as an adult. Maturity helps with developing coping skills, but sadly that does take longer than normal in ND children. Just hang in there.

Has anyone dared to question why the fuck this is being allowed to go on???

That’s a really useful perspective @PandaTime

As for screens, screens weren't a thing when I was a child. I read books. Lots and lots of books. If someone had taken that away from me for not going to school, it probably would have killed me because it would have meant there was no escape from the torment of life.

Have you tried several months without screens to see if school holds more appeal?

@Sunnysideup4eva do you have any evidence that removing screens for six months would help? Any studies to this effect?

Or are you like Trump, musing on how to cure covid with One Simple Trick?

Ask school to allow him to drop PE and any of the other non core subjects he isn't comfortable in.
It massively helped my son and from virtual full school refusal up until year 7 we're now at 100% attendance since year 9 and he's about to sit his GCSEs something that a few years ago I wouldn't have thought possible

Do you have any evidence that it wouldn't?

Mine would have just read and drawn if we had taken screens away.

She did a mixture of all of them as l wasn’t going to take away something she enjoyed when she was at her lowest of low.

No of course not, because screen time doesn't cause autism or school refusal.
You might as well ask, well has anyone tried not offering pudding at home to see if school holds more appeal?

I’ll take that as a no, you have no studies and have just pulled this idea out of your… hat,

My point being it's always the thing parents of Ebsa children are unwilling to try.

Screens are hugely, hugely addictive and there's growing evidence of the impact of young people's mental health, and attention span

And yes I have tried going zero screens with my own kids for longer periods and the results were genuinely incredible

Have you looked up PDA? It’s not won’t, it’s can’t. Their nervous system is do activated they go into fight or flight panic state. It sounds like he internalises the anxiety, and experiences burnout from masking. Follow At Peace Parents on Facebook, insta or TikTok, she’s amazing. Also books on autistic burnout and low demand parenting. His happiness is the main thing, look up EOTAS (education other than at school) if he really can’t go in. And don’t listen to judgmental eejits on here who tell you to go on parenting courses and make him go in. You’re doing the right thing letting him rest when he’s traumatised from the effort of masking. There are scary statistics about self harm and suicide of autistic kids who are forced into school - you are definitely doing the right thing doing things his way. Look up the PDA
Society as even if it’s not PDA, he has demand avoidance and their techniques will really help. Wishing you luck. 🍀

That goes both ways. You also have not provided any evidence that trying this would be hugely detrimental to a child.
I would honestly be very interested to read a study that demonstrated negative impacts on a child by removing screens longer term

Ha no, I haven't removed all screens for 6 months. I have tried varying periods of time (more than a few days at times), however specific games and making / building games are his special interests, they are the only thing he is bothered about doing / talking about (at excruciating length sometimes). If I told him I was taking all screens for 6 months he would view that as having no incentive to try to go to school, be utterly miserable, be unable to complete his homework, not spend time with his sister and in general it would make things worse. Even CMHT provided therapy by way of a game on a tablet as that was shown to be more effective. Currently if he goes in, he can have some screen time in the evening to decompress, if he doesn't go he can't.

If I turn off the WiFi in the day that will hinder my ability to WFH somewhat. It won't make any difference to DS as he isn't playing games when not at school anyway, it would just stop him from doing the school work I've asked him to do and he would go back to sitting in silence in his room.

He decided to have an early night tonight and took himself to bed at 7.30 so hopefully he will sleep well and tomorrow we will try again (no PE tomorrow either).

It's crazy isn't it, but some people genuinely think the answer to children being completely stressed, overwhelmed and miserable at school is to make their home life even more miserable so comparatively school doesn't seem so bad.

That's good. It really shouldn't be a punishment. I'm a complete screens "kid" now lol. Nothing settles me more than sitting down and watching some nonsense after a shit day of people-ing.

@Sunnysideup4eva

Do you have ND children who have difficulties going into school?

My kid didn't have screens during the day anyway, so I highly doubt not letting them watch TV after dinner would have made any difference to whether they could go to school.