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Original poster

Friend booking me in for events, weeks in advance

117 replies

Flooooop · 03/02/2025 23:34

As the title says. None of my other friends organise things that far in advance as this 1 friend does. As the date nears for when I'm due to see her, other friends (mine and DH couple friends) inevitably invite us out for the same date. 9 times out of 10 this happens. I then can't go to the couples thing, dh won't go alone as it's a couples thing and he feels out of place going alone. We then miss out on doing things with our couple friends.
It's not a case of I've arranged to see my friend - who's booked the night out weeks/month's in advance- but I prefer to see others if me and dh get a better offer nearer the time. Not this at all. If I say no to my friend on some of the occasions then she will ask why. I can't say 'in case our couple friends want to do something that night' nor can I say 'I'm keeping that eve free to see other friends'. I'm not going to lie and say I'm busy that eve when I'm not, at the time she asks me.
We don't get to see our couple friends that much, so when they are having a party/bbq etc we like to go.
Not sure if I'm making much sense with how I'm trying to articulate this !
My friend is currently trying to arrange an eve out in April. We see each other all the time and live close. So it's not like we are miles apart and have to logistically plan meeting up.

I love seeing my friend but feel I'm allowing her to book up a lot of my weekends, but at the time of organising I have nothing else in the diary.
I can guarantee that we will get a couples invite for the date she is looking at in April. We won't get the couples invite until much nearer the time. Of course we might not get a couples invite at all for that date.

OP posts:
Eldermillenialyogi · 03/02/2025 23:37

I understand what you're saying but it sounds like you're not that bothered about spending time with her. With my good friends who I want to spend time with I'm happy to book out the time in advance. However I can think of one friend (whom I thought of as soon as I read your post) who wants to book things but honestly I'm not that bothered about seeing her so I don't want to arrange something with her if it will mean I can't do something else.

In your case say you have something on in April but haven't sorted the weekend yet so can you let her know closer to the time.

musicalfrog · 03/02/2025 23:39

Surely the 'couple' dates should work with when you're free, as well as everyone else?

It's not unusual to book social things weeks in advance so I don't think your friend is in the wrong here.

Eldermillenialyogi · 03/02/2025 23:39

It also wouldn't be the end of the world if you missed a weekend with your couple friends would it? Surely some of them don't make it sometimes?

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CarpetKnees · 03/02/2025 23:40

So why don't you agree to meet your friend (say she suggests 11th), then you can ring / WhatsApp / however you chat your 'couple friends' and say "Do you fancy going out / coming to us / meeting up on 4th / 5th / 12th / 18th / 19th / 20th / etc ? "

Or "Lets get something in the diary. I can currently do any night except the 11th"

It's not rocket science.

musicalfrog · 03/02/2025 23:41

Maybe reduce the number of engagements you have with this friend. Once every 6-8 weeks is pretty standard I'd have thought. That leaves plenty of weekends free for others.

Heelworkhero · 03/02/2025 23:43

I have a friend like this.
She would arrange to see me 3-5 times a week and started making sarcastic comments if I was seeing other friends.

I tried introducing her to people I knew, so I had more variety in who I was seeing, but she was just very rude and dismissive to them.

It started to feel like she was my controlling girlfriend, without any of the shagging!! 😂

I’ve taken a massive, intentional step back now.
I ensure I don’t see her more than once a fortnight and don’t allow myself to be booked up with things too far in advance, unless it’s something I particularly want to do, such as a concert.
I have had to say in a lighthearted tone that I can’t possibly plan that far ahead when she wants to know why I’ve declined to schedule in coffees/walks weeks or months in advance, to monopolise my diary.

Jammeroo · 03/02/2025 23:44

Going to be honest, you don't come across as a very good friend in your post above.

It may have just been the way you worded it.

Why don't you say your couple friends were discussing a few dates in April for something but nothing confirmed. Take the bull by the horns and organise the couples thing yourself in the next week and then suggest a date to meet with your friend that works for you.

Onlyvisiting · 03/02/2025 23:46

Do you mean you are seeing her more often than you would choose to for nights out? Or just they the days she suggests end up clashing and you think she is the one who should be more flexible? I mean, if you are happy to see her eg once a month then it's not unreasonable to book dates ahead of time. Are these 'out out'type get togethers or an evening at one of your houses? As assuming she works then booking time off needs planning. And if she wants to go to a particular event then they usually need to be booked ahead.

Does she know/talk to your other friends? As if not I'd go with sth like ' actually I think George and Mildred were talking about dinner on that day, can we meet in a couple weeks instead?
Or better yet if you have already agreed- blame your OH. So sorry, I just checked and he's agreed to something with one of his friends, let's do xy date instead.

RampantIvy · 03/02/2025 23:48

It sounds like you don't like her very much and want to dump her for a better offer. I don't do this to my friends.

HeddaGarbled · 03/02/2025 23:51

Depends how many weekends she’s booking up. If she’s booking a weekend in April but you’ve nothing else booked with her before then, that seems reasonable to me. If she’s booking up every other weekend between now and April then she’s going too far.

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 03/02/2025 23:55

I disagree with the posters saying you aren’t a good friend and don’t like her, @Flooooop , maybe because I have a similar (lovely, kind, effervescent and self described Type A) friend. She’s great but she also likes to make sure we have dates booked well in advance, including things like New Year etc. We work together so I already see her a lot, and it does mean that sometimes it’s harder to arrange stuff with my less organised friends. It’s a tricky problem, my friend is a sweetie and sometimes will murmer “well, unless you have other plans” because I think she knows she is a bit more full- on than a lot of other people. No real advice, other than to show solidarity.

PinkArt · 03/02/2025 23:56

It sounds like you value your 'couple friends' above your single friend, which is really sad when she is the one being the most proactive about wanting to see you.

Spirallingdownwards · 03/02/2025 23:59

Maybe just say we'll let's pencil that in and we can check availability closer to the date. If something else comes up say can't do Friday how about Tuesday ?

Cosmosforbreakfast · 03/02/2025 23:59

A better offer? Tell your friend you don't consider her as worthy of your time as your couple friends. That way she can ditch you and find some actual real friends to spend time with.

WartOrNot · 04/02/2025 00:00

Why don't you just say you don't want to book so far in advance?

Or why don't you organise some meetups with your couples friends?

Original poster
Flooooop · 04/02/2025 00:03

I love seeing her. She is not in the wrong for booking things in. The couples friend things are usually we all get together for events eg birthdays or they have a party. We don't tend to see all of them all together outside of these events. We might see individual couples outside of these events. A few of the couples love having a party for any reason not just birthdays etc
Last month my friend had arranged a night out. She'd organised it back in early Dec. Nearer the time me and dh got invited to a birthday thing from a couple friend. I see my friend all the time. We don't see the couple, whose party is was, all that much due to their child care issues as they have a severely disabled child.

OP posts:
BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 04/02/2025 00:04

Cosmosforbreakfast · 03/02/2025 23:59

A better offer? Tell your friend you don't consider her as worthy of your time as your couple friends. That way she can ditch you and find some actual real friends to spend time with.

She clarifies specifically that she doesn’t mean that. Assuming OP’s friend is like mine, maybe the best way to explain it is that everybody has a limited amount of “social” time, and sometimes it can be difficult to portion that out, particularly if people have different ideas of how is best to plan your social calendar.

I think you’re getting a hard time on this thread OP. You say repeatedly that you like her and don’t want to hurt her, I don’t know why people think you don’t value her just because you have other people you value.

InternationalColossus · 04/02/2025 00:09

Last month my friend had arranged a night out. She'd organised it back in early Dec. Nearer the time me and dh got invited to a birthday thing from a couple friend. I see my friend all the time. We don't see the couple, whose party is was, all that much due to their child care issues as they have a severely disabled child.

In this situation I would just have explained this to the friend you see all the time, rearranged with her, and gone to the couple’s party. Your friend could hardly resent it if you’re close and see each other often, whereas this other couple so rarely gets a chance to be social.

And then in future, just take a more active part in organising couples’ stuff as pps have said, to make sure you see a wider range of people

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 04/02/2025 00:11

Normally things are booked in advance. Close to the event invites generally are for fillers or another couple has dropped out. Might want to reevaluate your priorities.

DoItBetter · 04/02/2025 00:14

Can't you just say you don't want to book something in so far in advance and can you speak closer to the time.

Original poster
Flooooop · 04/02/2025 00:19

@BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop thank you. You are quite right. I love seeing her and it's not that I don't want to. But I see her a lot and she unknowingly dominates my social calendar to the detriment of others. My friend is totally lovely and always thinks of me. I love her for this. But I also have other the couple friends to see plus a DH/3 DC/2 sisters/elderly parents.
In one example - I was out with my friend (another night booked weeks in advance, we were only at the pub) and the couple friends were ringing me during the eve asking where I was and if I could get over to them at all. They knew I was already out. On this occasion dh had gone alone but was messaging me all night to say he felt like a spare part being there alone (no he's not needy) and if my eve would finish early at all to join him/ them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flooooop · 04/02/2025 00:24

@Whatevershallidowithmylife I don't have any concerns that we're only invited as fillers or if others drop out

OP posts:
Original poster
Flooooop · 04/02/2025 00:25

@RampantIvy you are very wrong

OP posts:
SerenStarEtoile · 04/02/2025 00:31

DoItBetter · 04/02/2025 00:14

Can't you just say you don't want to book something in so far in advance and can you speak closer to the time.

This! Also, I had someone like this. The problem was, they liked to get their dates booked early because that suited them, but weren’t so keen on it the other way round! It’s like “I’ll get it sorted for me, and everyone else fits in” which I began to find quite unattractive.

If you are friends with a wide circle, there are going to be not last-minute invites, but ones where friends give say, 2 weeks notice but 3 months ago “Jane” reserved that date, so she has first dibs.

Possibly her circle is not as large as yours so she fits her friends in on rotation.

This type of thing was a nightmare for me when DH was working away from home and I wasn’t sure if he was back/not back/back on Friday etc, and my reply was often “I think that will be fine, but I’ll confirm by ….

Could you do similar?

PotaytoPotahhto · 04/02/2025 00:35

Does it make a difference if that date was booked by her months in advance or a week in advance? Either way, when your couple friends get in touch to plan something for that date, you have plans. It doesn’t make a difference that she had booked it way in advance.

Sounds like you do actually see the other stuff as the better offer…

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