Friend booking me in for events, weeks in advance

[Flooooop]

As the title says. None of my other friends organise things that far in advance as this 1 friend does. As the date nears for when I'm due to see her, other friends (mine and DH couple friends) inevitably invite us out for the same date. 9 times out of 10 this happens. I then can't go to the couples thing, dh won't go alone as it's a couples thing and he feels out of place going alone. We then miss out on doing things with our couple friends.
It's not a case of I've arranged to see my friend - who's booked the night out weeks/month's in advance- but I prefer to see others if me and dh get a better offer nearer the time. Not this at all. If I say no to my friend on some of the occasions then she will ask why. I can't say 'in case our couple friends want to do something that night' nor can I say 'I'm keeping that eve free to see other friends'. I'm not going to lie and say I'm busy that eve when I'm not, at the time she asks me.
We don't get to see our couple friends that much, so when they are having a party/bbq etc we like to go.
Not sure if I'm making much sense with how I'm trying to articulate this !
My friend is currently trying to arrange an eve out in April. We see each other all the time and live close. So it's not like we are miles apart and have to logistically plan meeting up.

I love seeing my friend but feel I'm allowing her to book up a lot of my weekends, but at the time of organising I have nothing else in the diary.
I can guarantee that we will get a couples invite for the date she is looking at in April. We won't get the couples invite until much nearer the time. Of course we might not get a couples invite at all for that date.

Is your friend planning activities that need to be booked and paid for in advance? If not could you agree that you're meeting up on x weekend, rather than a specific day? You could say how much you enjoy spending time with her but some of your other friends are not nearly so organised and you often seem to have a couple of invites for the same day and then nothing for weeks.of course, if your friend likes to have her plans made well in advance, she might not want to feel she has to keep several dates clear waiting for you to make up your mind.

OP, I get it.

I think I used to do this quite a bit and honestly several of my friends and I still do because we’re in our 30s and if we don’t book ahead it simply won’t happen!

that said, I have a friend in a group who is constantly arranging social events that you have to RSVP to weeks in advance and I find that exhausting. It’s put me off going to anything at all.

I started off sympathising a little as I understand how tricky it is to balance social demands. But then the way you talk about your "couple friends" is a bit icky! You very obviously see them as the better offer! A friend is a friend, whether they are single or in a couple. Being in a couple doesn't mean they are sprinkled with magic gold socialising dust.

What's the harm in saying to your couple friends that you already have plans that day, you'll see them next time - you don't want to say that because they are your preferred option and you worry what you are missing out on. You could be proactive and arrange something with all your couple friends yourself?

A friend who makes the effort with your friendship and proactively wants to socialise with you is precious.

Yes understandable that you have husband, kids, siblings, other friends to spend time with. Perhaps your single friend also does, and that's why she's proactive in making sure she gets time in with you?

It is more of an issue for ypur DH. I see couples without mine, all the time as he travels for woek. I certainly don't feel like a spare part!

@Delphiniumandlupins

if your friend likes to have her plans made well in advance, she might not want to feel she has to keep several dates clear waiting for you to make up your mind.

Yes, but it’s the pre-emptiveness that begins to get on your nerves! Not everyone wants their leisure time organised to the nth degree and if the friend is single and OP is not, she’s trying to juggle expectations from super-organised friend and maybe DHs not so organised couples-friends.

The meeting OP describes as being in the pub is a casual-type rendezvous; why are you having to book up 3 months in advance for a glass of wine and a packet of peanuts?

If this friend is a jet setting business tycoon or if she has caring responsibilities it’s understandable that her time is mapped out so thoroughly.
Otherwise, it feels rather like she’s imposing her desire for a completely organised timetable onto others who are not in a position to/don’t want to plan so far ahead.ahead.

Having said that OP, perhaps your friend has MH issues that mean she has to have control, in which case things must be quite difficult for her.

I'm probably that friend. But my DH works shifts and so I don't have very many weekends I can go out child free. So I do tend to look ahead and invite friends out. But I also wouldn't be offended if they messaged and said hey I know we are going to the pub on X date but it's a friend's bday, can we try to find another date but if we can't no worries I'll of course still be there. And then hopefully we would find another date that works or id probably say go to your friends bday. Of course if you do it everyone you get a "better offer" then you will upset your friend but if you it is an even you really do want to go to then just ask!

It is competitiveness on your time. To get you she needs to corner you way ahead of others. Then she can control your time and do things on her terms. She is scheduling your time off for her needs. That deters you from meeting others and if you keep refusing them they will eventually give up asking. It is ok to schedule an occasional event in the distance but all of the time is unacceptable.

Christ your whole circle is so disrespectful towards her, not just you. Everyone knew you were out at 'just the pub' with your 'lame single friend' who was depriving you of a fun 'couple friends' night out that they didn't bother making plans for first. But they all thought it was ok to keep contacting you to end your night out with her to join theirs. It's so rude.
Just ditch her and give her the time for people who actually value her.

Next time it happens are you able to say, in the moment, 'friend I think dh mentioned something on those dates, let me check the calendar and get back to you. Actually now that we're on the topic, we'll have to start being more relaxed and organise things closer to time I'm finding it really hard to juggle everything so far in advance and I don't want to let you down'
I don't think you're awful, I think you have fomo so it's either accept missing events or change things up.

I agree. It's as if you'd rather wait and see if a better option comes along. Just cut down on the amount of times you see this 'friend' and then there will be plenty of time to see your other friends.

The last paragraph was really rude of your couple friends and dh...you should have messaged once to confirm you were out and left it at that. I'd be hurt if I was the friend you were out with and you were distracted by your phone keep pinging from others trying to guilt trip you into going to a different event

It does sound like unintentionally you are treating her like a "if no better offer friend" comes along and have a bit of fear of missing out on couples stuff.

You are happy to book in with her but then not happy if couple nights come along. If she is single then I can imagine she often feels she has to fit in around "couple friends" for many of her friends and it ends up being a bit crap for her if she doesnt book things in advance.

If you dont want to plan in advance, tell her you are out with husband the night in advance she suggests (even if you dont have plans, you and him could do something if you wanted to) and suggest something in the next couple of weeks with friend each time.

I have a friend who used to be like this. I don’t like the feeling of people trying to organise me. I found the phrase “don’t be so ridiculous, of course I’m not going to commit myself 4 months in advance” quite useful.

Have you ever tried to rearrange with her when something else comes in eg “shoot, DH and I just got asked to Mary’s birthday next Saturday, any chance you and I could meet this Saturday or next Friday instead?”

I book months ahead with friends because we are all busy so to guarantee we can meet up we book in early.

Maybe you need to do this with your couple friends? I mean, they sound a but flakey organising something like a birthday party at the last minute.

Sorry but why are your couple friends all ringing you on a night out asking where you are, when they already know where you are? I would personally hate that. I bet your husband has said something along the lines of you are out with your single friend again, and it's like they are intentionally trying to rub it in that you aren't out with the group. I find that really rude, plus your husband trying to make you feel bad saying he's a spare part etc!

A couple of things you could do. You can be proactive yourself and organise a couples night so you get to see them, why wait for a birthday? Or next time your friend asks, just say you need to check you diary first, and don't be so readily available everytime she asks if you don't like to commit that far in advance. I do feel a bit sorry for your single friend though, it is coming across as though you say yes to her, but resent going out when a better offer comes along.

I had a friend like this. It all got too much, she felt too dependant on me. I just stopped seeing her.

Yes I'd do that with my good friends and wouldn't be upset if a Friend I saw regularly changed the date as something else came up.

Good point about shift work, actually- weekends become more scarce so you tend to want to make the best of them.

The phoning up to get you ditch her isn’t very nice, OP. I’m a single woman and I would be so hurt if one of my partnered up friends did that to me. Is your husband so incapable of socialising independently? Do your couple friends all sit in little matching sets and the ladies talk to the ladies about flower arranging and the men go to the lounge for cigars and brandy? Or could she gasp actually join you all?

How would her arranging something later have helped in that last situation? Even if she had messaged you the night before, it would have been exactly the same situation.

What's the reason she wants to ask you early? Childcare? No children on that night so wants to make sure she's not alone? Type of person who just needs to know?

So basically you prefer to see your "couple friends" and the friend who likes making arrangements is second tier and you only want to see her if you have nothing better to do?
Maybe she has picked up on this and thinks the only way she'll get to see you is to book a day?
April isn't that far off especially if it needs to fit around other commitments like work or babysitters.

So basically your other friends were very rude and ruined your night out?
And your DH messaging you all night? I would have told him to stop being pathetic and turned my phone off!

I mean all of my friends and family we do sort stuff out weeks in advance because there's so many of us want to go out here and there. Same as for couples stuff we have to plan and book in advance anyhow so hubby gets a couple of days off work. Anyway works out I see friends each one probably once or twice a month and family members each week and love them all dearly whatever we plan. You dont sound that nice unless I'm reading it wrong, I hardly think her wanting to go out with you every few weeks is a bad thing but tbh you come accross like you prefer supposed better options so why not be honest and say hey I don't want to go out with you anymore..

If I was out with a friend & she was constantly answering calls & texts - especially if her half of the conversation made it obvious that she’d rather be elsewhere - I’d suggest she went to the couple event & not bother contacting her in future. That’s incredibly rude.

It's not a case of I've arranged to see my friend - who's booked the night out weeks/month's in advance- but I prefer to see others if me and dh get a better offer nearer the time. Not this at all.

Its exactly this though.

I think this is a good plan!