Friend booking me in for events, weeks in advance

[Flooooop]

As the title says. None of my other friends organise things that far in advance as this 1 friend does. As the date nears for when I'm due to see her, other friends (mine and DH couple friends) inevitably invite us out for the same date. 9 times out of 10 this happens. I then can't go to the couples thing, dh won't go alone as it's a couples thing and he feels out of place going alone. We then miss out on doing things with our couple friends.
It's not a case of I've arranged to see my friend - who's booked the night out weeks/month's in advance- but I prefer to see others if me and dh get a better offer nearer the time. Not this at all. If I say no to my friend on some of the occasions then she will ask why. I can't say 'in case our couple friends want to do something that night' nor can I say 'I'm keeping that eve free to see other friends'. I'm not going to lie and say I'm busy that eve when I'm not, at the time she asks me.
We don't get to see our couple friends that much, so when they are having a party/bbq etc we like to go.
Not sure if I'm making much sense with how I'm trying to articulate this !
My friend is currently trying to arrange an eve out in April. We see each other all the time and live close. So it's not like we are miles apart and have to logistically plan meeting up.

I love seeing my friend but feel I'm allowing her to book up a lot of my weekends, but at the time of organising I have nothing else in the diary.
I can guarantee that we will get a couples invite for the date she is looking at in April. We won't get the couples invite until much nearer the time. Of course we might not get a couples invite at all for that date.

That's really pressurising of them all. They should leave you alone to enjoy your night out. TBH if they're going to behave like this you should put your phone on silent so you're actually giving your attention to the person you're with, not constantly replying to texts and taking calls from people who aren't there, inevitably ignoring her for a few minutes each time while you do so. It's rude.

I don't know why you keep suggesting that you are happy to prioritize her when it's blindingly obvious that you prefer to take part in the couple dates when those are available and that those are your top priority. So you DO want to keep your options open then by not booking things with your single friend. You can deny it all you want, it's just not the truth, you contradict yourself all the time with the truth which is that you do want to keep your options open and not have such advance plans.

I don't know the single friend's work patterns but it could be that she has to organise herself quite far in advance or else run the risk of not being able to get time off/get roped into extra shifts because she's available and others aren't.

She's possibly also having to be so proactive in her friendships because she's finding herself continually being bumped from people's priorities when they get offers of social events which they can attend with their DP. Most people prioritize socialising with their partners or spending time as nuclear family, not going out much. That's fair enough, everyone is free to do what they like. It does leave singles being ignored a lot of the time though once people get into their thirties.

I expect she's trying to counteract that by making advance plans, so she doesn't turn round one day and find all her friendships have faded and she's got no social life. That's not your problem of course but you need to be honest with her about not wanting to make advance plans. The unspoken part of that sentence is always because I want to keep my options open. Whether that's options to work, to stay home doing nothing, to be with family/DP or to go out with someone else. You're right, it's not nice having to say that to someone, nobody wants to be effectively told they're not a top priority, but it means she knows where she stands and she's free to then decide to prioritize other friendships if she prefers.

What you're wanting is not to have to let her know she's not the top priority but still have her thinking the sun shines out of your arse/she's your best friend/however you want to word it. That's unrealistic, you can't have both.

Id just say I love that you are so organised but this means that my diary is full of you and not so much Dh and other friends. So I'm going to stop organising things so far in advance with you. I think that way I'm being fair to everyone. So please don't give me a date more than 2 weeks/a month in advance.

Basically if you don’t tell her nothing will change

In one example - I was out with my friend (another night booked weeks in advance, we were only at the pub) and the couple friends were ringing me during the eve asking where I was and if I could get over to them at all. They knew I was already out. On this occasion dh had gone alone but was messaging me all night to say he felt like a spare part being there alone (no he's not needy) and if my eve would finish early at all to join him/ them.

This is really disrespectful of your friends and DH.

Your couple friends are very rude.

You need to be honest with yourself - you are waiting for a better offer.
Your 'couple friends' and DH were bang out of order.

Honestly it does sound as if you consider "couples" socialising as a better offer, which is absolutely fine although I think it is a bit wet of your husband not to go out with friends if you aren't there to hold his hand.

Only schedule things with your friend if you would choose it over a couples invitation. Just say "I don't want to book stuff in for April, I haven't decided what our plans are". And if you are free when the time comes, you can contact her and suggest meeting up.

OP, do you have a DH problem here? Is he pressuring you not to go out without him?

One “hey, if you finish up early, drop by ours on the way at home” would be fine, but constant texts from your H and friends is unkind.

On this occasion dh had gone alone but was messaging me all night to say he felt like a spare part being there alone (no he's not needy) and if my eve would finish early at all to join him/ them.

Btw I wouldn't accept this from a grown man. I would be encouraging him to become socially competent without your support and if he can't manage that to never ever ruin your evening with a barrage of whining messages.

I don't really understand how often you see this friend. If this happens SO often when you have plans with her either you often have other social things and just secretly would prefer to go to those OR, you're seeing her so often she's taking up too much of your time. either way, I don't see it as an issue of her booking in advance.

f you have things booked with her every second weekend between now and April, then it's perfectly reasonable to want to have more flexibility. And certainly, with someone I saw that often if another friend who was less flexible had a fairly last minute birthday party, I'd say, "Really sorry - I know we were supposed to meet next week but Pete and Jane really struggle to get a date sorted and this is the only one they can do, can we reschedule."

If you aren't seeing her now until April, if someone wanted me to come ot a last minute party I'd be incliend to say, "sorry, I've had this slot in the diary to meet Sarah for weeks now and we haven't had a chance to catch up" while secretly thinking, "bloody hell, can't you blan a bit further ahead!?"

I think you can say you are not sure you will be free as you need to catch up with abc sometime soon and "they are not as organised as you!"
M

If this was a mum of say 3 adult kids, then agreeing stuff only with the one who booked ages out would be unfair to the others who may have other constraints (waiting for rotas etc). Then it would be fine to say -I am free but also need to check what your sister wants to do.

Sane as sending out a save the date a year in advance-doesn't mean you are obligated to go if you don't want to just as they told you way in advance. Other more important stuff may come along later (and assuming you don't confirm attending)

I could not be booking a bloody night at the pub 3 months in advance. Fair enough if it’s theatre tickets or very hard to get dinner reservations or a weekend away. A night at the pub or a normal dinner out is something you organise a few days to a week before. I would just say, it’s too far in advance for me to arrange anything. Let’s plan something closer to the day. Or better yet, no idea about April, but I’m free Thursday if you want to grab a drink?

I think if it is some particular event, then you agree on that far in advance. If it is just hanging out, then say you can't say until nearer the time. I don't think it needs to be harder than that...

Your DH and couple friends were incredibly rude, as were you for not putting your phone on silent.

You don’t want to book things in advance in case a better offer with your couple friends comes along. Why aren’t you honest about that? And you can always decline an invite from your ‘friend’, you don’t need to accept and then blame her for dominating your diary!

Sounds like she would be a perfect Thursday night friend, could you try suggesting that? I have a Thursday night friend, we love to see each other but don’t want to hog each other’s weekend doing so.

Unless she is booking up every single one of your weekends in advance then it should be entirely possible to see others too.

Unless this friend is regularly proposing you go away together from Friday night till Sunday night, I can’t see how having one social encounter with her would ‘hog your weekend’.

I think this too. OP can't you take the lead in organising something with your couple friends for a weekend you know your other friend hasn't already organised something for? Rather than waiting for them to pick a weekend you know you can't do?

It’s the other way around, my DH go away a lot at the weekend often at short notice and my friend likes to have her weekends as family time. I’m her only friend as she likes to socialise with her family and particularly enjoys spending time with her DGD. So between us we’ve decided Thursday nights are our nights, it’s worked well for over 15 years.

Do not mention the couple thing that's so mean.
Just say sometimes you like to see how you feel nearer the time so you don't want to have too much locked into the diary.

Yes I agree

Could you ask the hosting couple if you can bring a friend along too if she'd be up for it?

Yes I think he needs some friends

I feel sorry for your friend especially when your couple friends and husband hijacked her time with you by messaging non stop. She should have been the priority not them. I've faded people out when I've been on the receiving end and been better off for it.

I totally understand you would like to do things with DH and your 'couple friends' as well. You sound to be spending a lot of time with your friend and it has to be balanced with 'couple time'. Just tell her you cannot make plans so far out and that's it. No need to entertain any further conversation about it as you have a right to make decisions for yourself.

I think you’re getting a hard time on this thread OP. You say repeatedly that you like her and don’t want to hurt her, I don’t know why people think you don’t value her just because you have other people you value.

That isn't it at all.
This is about having a prior engagement.
The post from OP on P1, where she said she was out with her friend and was getting messages all night from her friends and her dh seeing if she would leave the night she was already at and go and join them is shocking.
If my dh or any friends tried to do that, they would get very short shrift from me. That is just appallingly rude.

Like the OP, and probably most people, I have lots of people I like to go out with at different times, but I would not be so rude as to make a date with one friend, then cancel that because another friend happened to ask me to go somewhere on the same evening. My reply would be "Oh, sorry, I'm already out then, lets book something for next week / month".