Friend booking me in for events, weeks in advance

[Flooooop]

As the title says. None of my other friends organise things that far in advance as this 1 friend does. As the date nears for when I'm due to see her, other friends (mine and DH couple friends) inevitably invite us out for the same date. 9 times out of 10 this happens. I then can't go to the couples thing, dh won't go alone as it's a couples thing and he feels out of place going alone. We then miss out on doing things with our couple friends.
It's not a case of I've arranged to see my friend - who's booked the night out weeks/month's in advance- but I prefer to see others if me and dh get a better offer nearer the time. Not this at all. If I say no to my friend on some of the occasions then she will ask why. I can't say 'in case our couple friends want to do something that night' nor can I say 'I'm keeping that eve free to see other friends'. I'm not going to lie and say I'm busy that eve when I'm not, at the time she asks me.
We don't get to see our couple friends that much, so when they are having a party/bbq etc we like to go.
Not sure if I'm making much sense with how I'm trying to articulate this !
My friend is currently trying to arrange an eve out in April. We see each other all the time and live close. So it's not like we are miles apart and have to logistically plan meeting up.

I love seeing my friend but feel I'm allowing her to book up a lot of my weekends, but at the time of organising I have nothing else in the diary.
I can guarantee that we will get a couples invite for the date she is looking at in April. We won't get the couples invite until much nearer the time. Of course we might not get a couples invite at all for that date.

Perfectly normal to book things up way in advance. That's what my friends and do because everyone has so many social things to go to. I would never cancel on anything if agreed to go to without really good reason (sickness etc) because I'm not bad mannered. You sound like you want to wait until you get a better offer from couples who expect you to drop everything you've got planned to see them. I'd tell your friend you'd rather take a chance that the couples might want to do something than plan things in advance with her. At least she'll know where she stands then.

You lost me at 'better offer'. After a lifetime of being dumped for better offers it really pisses me off to hear it. She's your friend or she isn't.

The simple answer is to not book so far in advance. Just say 'I don't book more than a week in advance now'. Book some things with that friend & say no to some. Or leave your 'second rate' friend alone altogether.

Also, if you know it’s going to be couple x birthday weekend/week, are you avoiding arranging stuff with other friend on those days?

It really sounds like you don't like her and would be willing to drop plans with her for other people. That isn't how a friendship works.
Although if she is arranging lots of plans and taking up lots of weekends, then I think it is down to you to limit that to say 1 planned event every 6 weeks. You are allowed to just say no sorry I'd like to not make too many firm plans every weekend.

I am the friend that organises plans months in advance as otherwise I wouldn't get to see some of my friends. It doesn't even occur to me or them to want to drop those plans if we get other offers. I've already planned my Christmas met date with my best friend in Nov. We both know that is the weekend we are meeting so we will organise stuff around that.

If this happened to me and my plans were not something with tickets I would speak to my friend and say

'Just had an invite to something on same night. Any chance you can do night before / after or next weekend? Not a problem if you are busy on suggested alternative days though and we'll meet as planned'

If she couldn't change I would happily stick with my friend and not mention the other plans at all - they are now irrelevant as I can't go.

But I find diary clashes do happen and most people are able to find another date, esp if it's just two people

Yes. Surely you just say to the friends who invite you later ‘Can’t do that night, but am free on the Saturday’? Diary clashes are pretty usual.

You're framing it as its her fault for booking in advance but it seems more like your couple friends leave things until the last minute. Also, she can only "dominate" your spare time if you say yes so you have to take some accountability here.

Seems you have a choice- either you start proactively planning dates with couple friends or tell them you need more notice. Or you start saying no to your friend and take the risk that she stops asking or nothing happens that weekend. But making yourself a passive passenger in all this isn't fair.

Meet your friend for lunch sometimes instead - then you could still go out with your DH in the evening.

Go out midweek instead of tbe weekend. Tell your friend you would generally prefer to keep tbe weekends for your DH.

Tell her you have a few things up in tbe air, you'll pencil in the date and confirm nearer the time. I'm assuming parties etc with your couple friends will be arranged a little in advance anyway so you can give your friend plenty of notice .

Something like drinks/meal with your friend (unlike eg tickets for a show) can be rearranged if something like a party crops up and you can just be honest with her.

Sorry OP you sound a bit desperate regarding your couple friends who are obviously very happy to meet up without you.

Stop arranging so many dates with her and leave your calendar free for all these fun couples so you can be the social butterfly you want to be.

It's not hard, is it?

It sounds like you're making a ridiculously big deal out of this and just have FOMO.

In that case, never arrange anything so you're free just in case the 'couple' friends are doing something. That's a sadcase way to live tbh.

I’m confused. Do you invite your couple friends out? That would mean you would be arranging when you will see them so there wouldn’t be a clash with your single friend. Seems pretty simple to me.

It sounds like you hopefully wait for your couple friends to invite you somewhere and are annoyed if you can’t see them because you had already made plans. Why do you need to wait for them to invite you?

If You are going to wait and need to keep your weekends free on the off chance you will be asked to spend time with them just tell your other friend you have plans when she asks to see you, even if those plans are twiddling your thumbs waiting to hear from the couple.

But don’t be surprised if at some point your single friend becomes very busy with other people. Who knows maybe even those couples you are so keen to befriend

You are not a good friend to this woman at all. You see a better offer as a couples invite, if you cared about her enough, seeing her would be important to you.

It’s pretty standard here for dates to be booked in weeks/months in advance. We are all busy. If you are being invited last minute by couple friends this is because someone else has dropped out. If your couple friends wanted you there, they would arrange a date that suited you!

Such shallow and flakey behaviour.

I have this too. It's bloody annoying. People who book things in months in advance, and then I'm fully booked and can't do anything spontaneous, or even in advance because of all the early birders. That sounds like I'm some sort of social butterfly, I'm not. I just don't have much free time for stuff and also like some downtime.

I now decide how much time I have available for early birders, book those in, and then say I'm not sure about my calendar on x date and keep putting them off. You can use all sorts of excuses: Dh's parents are thinking of visiting that day, might have to go to x with the kids, let me get back to you on that.

If your diary is free, then it's free.
If the couples pick that date, say it doesn't suit and pick another date or ask your friend if u can re arrange
You're the master of your own destiny ...
don't cancel one to pick another that's mean

Does it need to be a night out with her? If scheduling in advance could you suggest brunch/lunch/a matinee or similar so you see her but she isn't calendar blocking your evening?

And/or do couple events tend to happen on e.g. a Saturday evening? If so suggest a Friday to this friend

I think your friend needs a better friend.

What sort of things is she 'booking in' ? If it's a restaurant or ticketed event I can understand the need to book a while in advance, but if it's just meeting up in a pub or something there's not the same notice required.

But it also sounds as if it would be helpful if you had a bit more of a handle on things that might come up in your own life - for example other friends birthdays etc ? Then you could say something like 'I can't make that weekend' and if she asks why say that it;s xxxx'x birthday.

Isn't this just life?

Some of my friends will book things months in advance because they have busy lives. Sometimes things get double booked and you make a choice 🤷🏼‍♀️

I get what you are saying. You are going to have to say something like I just don't want to be booked that far in advance - can we decide nearer the time and see if we are both still free?

I've just had a works night out put in my calendar for April (!) at the moment I'm free, but something else might crop up by then.

I get if for big concerts where the tickets might sell out. But you can't let one friendship dominate your social life.

You need to think of a few non hurtful ways of saying no;

• I don't want to confirm because I'm trying to sort out dates with John and Mary at the minute so let me get that locked down and I'll get back to you
• that sounds amazing, let's look at it closer the time
• Oh god I don't know what I'm doing in the next hour let alone next month

I have drifted apart from a couple of friends over the years who always want to book things well in advance, or who will arrange nearer the time but are very strict schedulers (e.g. "I can only do Thursday between 3.30-4pm and only in this area.")
It can be off-putting to feel like you're a diary-filler or that you are taking up a precious "spot" in someone's weekly schedule.
I personally just prefer more relaxed friendships that go with the flow and are flexible. It's nothing to do with not liking someone, but people have different styles of doing things.

So you are waiting for a better offer

selfish Springs to mind

if you are seeing her on the 2nd saturday of April , and want to see couple friends then message and say love to meet up in April for dinner but can’t do 2nd sat in April who can do 1/3/4 Saturday

how often do you meet her? Every month or so ?

But some people genuinely are really busy and if things don't get booked in then they just won't happen.

I travel a lot for work as does DH so we often have social events with our friends booked months in advance. It's not because they're a diary filler it's just that we're always really busy.

Your poor friend. How disrespectful are your couple friends and partner!

Just ditch her already, or at least be honest with her. You don't want to commit to meeting her in case you get a better offer from your couple friends.