Funniest thing your child has said?

[Snartie]

Inspired by comments on a video I seen on TikTok which had me in stitches, what is the funniest thing your child has ever said?

I’ve had a rubbish day and neee cheering up!

Some favourites of mine from the video in question are;

• My daughter at the time was 3 or 4. She was crying & just making the ugly crying face. I told her “stop making that face or it’ll stay stuck like that” she said “is that what happened 2 u?”

• my sister was in the 2nd grade and I picked her up from school and asked her how her day was and she told me “i don’t have time for your curiosity” i was appalled

I forgot the one that pissed off my (im now nc) narcissistic mother

She used to lord it over us that if we didn't stick to our roles in life,she wouldn't leave us anything in her will

I cannot count the amount of times she'd come out with 'do this for me or I won't leave you my money' or 'take the blame for that or I won't leave you my jewellery'

'I'll leave/won't leave you my jewellery' was one that was lorded over my head all my life-its just vintage but expensive (at the time it was paid for-it won't hold its value) jewellry-i have my own,I never wanted hers in the first place (it'd just normal bits like necklaces,brooches,bracelets and rings-not the crown bloody jewels)

Cue ds1 sitting on the arm of her chair

Ds1-nan,when you die,can I have your jewellery?
My mother-yes,of course you can son (daggers at me for not doing something)
Ds1-can you hurry up and die soon?I really want your rings

I got the blame for that-it's not me that kept banging on about it around small ears that didn't understand death

The look on her face was funny though

DS: Nanny what are those?
DM: They’re the new tomato plants..
DS: Oh, I don’t like Omatoes, can we eat them now whilst they’re grapes?

This happened with my mam and dad when they had their 3 grandchildren out for a day. They were driving back and someone pulled in front of the car causing a sharp locking of the brake and my dad said something like "for fucks sake". My mam gave him a look and he shut it down but when they arrived back at my house one of them piped up "Grandad said for fucks sake" 😂

My three year old loving gazing at me with the sunshine on our faces: "got whiskers, Mummy?"
The light was making my blonde moustache hairs noticable.

My DS (when he was much younger) told me he wanted to play ‘orange’

Orange? What do you mean?

My DD just peered over her book and said ‘he means squash’

🤣

Aged three driving past the bookies- 'that's where daddy gets his winnings'

Told DD I would read her some of the big friendly giant. DS looked confused and just pointed at his Dad as if he were the BFG.

My little girl was rubbing my shoulders, I said ‘what you doing baby?’ She goes ‘I’m relaxing you, life is about peace and harmony mummy’ (I think it was from peppa pig but it still made me laugh)

My 4 year old son at my sister's firework party which included her stuck up in-laws - a rather large rocket exploded and he shouts " you wouldn't want one of those up your arse would you?" Never heard him say arse before or since!

My 2 year old DS being asked his name and saying seriously 'Baby Jesus'

DS aged 3 (hearing his sister crying upstairs whilst being dressed by DH): 'Mummy, why is Maria crying?'

Me: 'Because she is cross with Daddy for changing her'.

DS: 'No! It's because she has been taken by a crocodile, but don't worry Mummy, the new baby is coming in April!' (I'm pregnant)

I was utterly speechless 😂

DC1: Are we going to the ocean?
Me: Yes
DC1: Will we be in the shallow end?
Me: Yes
DC2: Will there be sharks?
Me: There are sharks in the ocean but not in the shallow bit we'll be in
DC2: After you are dead we will give your body to those sharks.

The DC got an airplane Lego set when they were about 4. DC1 pulled the head off one of the minifigures and put it in the flight attendant's trolley and pushed it up the aisle politely offering 'Severed head? Severed head?' to each passenger.

Ds aged 4 on seeing a huge swan waddling about outside the golf course cafe “mummy. Look at that duck. It’s fucking massive”

i couldn’t tell him off for the bad word. Just corrected him and told him it wasn’t a duck it was a swan.

he’s never dropped the f bomb since. I’ve curbed my language. But he was right. They are fucking massive.

I was trying on hats for an upcoming wedding DS looks up at me adoringly “oh Mummy you look beautiful.” Everyone in the store smiles. He continues
“Just like the fat controller.” Everyone laughs,

When DS was 3, he was in the front room while I was in the kitchen. He let out a blood curdling scream and called me.

I ran into the front room and he was shouting 'I can't see! I can't see! Help me!!!'

He had his eyes closed. Needless to say, when he opened his eyes, all was good and his vision was restored 🙄

"Im going to start breathing through my ears". We decided at that point to rule out a career in medicine

"The queen has half-past away"

Nursery apparently decided to teach about telling time the same week the queen died...

My husband farts loudly and often.

I joked and said "what was that, was that a trump?!" Knowing full well we all knew what it was.

And 2 year old dd replied, "that's not a tump, that a woodpecker!"

She says this every single time now! Even for her own ones.

when she was about 12, she announced she wanted to be a solicitor. When I asked what sort of solicitor, she said "I want to be the defendant"
(she meant defence lawyer)🤣

Ds6: I don't like Jake's Mum's hair!

Me: Why?

Ds6: Because it's sticking up like there's no gravity on the earth.

You've got a beard like my daddy.

Me to my 4 year old grandaughter - you're a beautiful angel darling.

My grandaughter to me - And you're just an angel Grandma...

My 7 year old niece said she doesn't like her mummy as mummy is disobedient to her , but she likes nanny as nanny is obedient , I said you mean nanny let's you have your own way , she said yes and that's what I like 🤣

DS6, at his grandads funeral:
“mummy it’s 1.26 we’ve been here ages can we go now?”
Followed closely by “mummy if grandad is in that box, why has x just given him a cup? He can’t use it!”

Thankfully it provided some light relief - I was hoping the ground would swallow me up.

Aged 5

"Mummy, is a duet a lady who is married to a Jewish man?"