Big event clash - WWYD?

[everychildmatters]

Just found out a provisional date for my niece's wedding (husband's side) is on the same Saturday as my Mum's 70th. Bloody typical!!
I know all "big" birthdays are special, but my Mum was really poorly a while ago and she honestly never expected to make this milestone. We are incredibly close.
What would you do in my position?
Wedding about 4 hours drive from home.

I would honestly go to the wedding. It because your mums birthday is less important, but because as you say, she doesn't have much family, so her birthday celebrations will be missing people she loved anyway. So I'd go to the wedding, and plan something with your mum for the day before or after. If she's local I'd also do a lovely breakfast for her on the day before the wedding if feasible.

Wedding. Celebrate mum's 70th the night before

If your mum is having a party on her birthday I would go to that but expect dh and kids to go wedding.

Otherwise I would do a birthday breakfast with mum and then head off to wedding. (Unless she was completely alone and then I would stay)

Exactly this.

Of do your mums birthday the day before or afterwards

Go to the wedding and do the birthday celebration another time. People who have a birthday fall midweek would just celebrate at the weekend anyway choosing before or after the actual date. It just so happens your Mum's is on the Saturday. Celebrating the birthday on the actual day isn't overly important.

It depends how much of a relationship your DH has with your niece. I barely see my own auntie and uncle but I see my 9 year old niece (husband's side) most weekends and can't imagine missing something as important as her wedding in the future.

She also clearly sees you all as close enough family to potentially ask your daughter to be a bridesmaid. I think I would go to the wedding and try and move your mums birthday till the weekend after when everyone can enjoy it together.

I had this when my cousin (we were brought up together so more like sisters) & sil's weddings were both on the same day 3 hours apart.

I went to my cousin's wedding & dh attended his sister's wedding. There was no question of either of us missing the wedding of our relatives.

"a niece is barely a relative?"

Of course a niece is a relative. She is the DH's sibling's child so very much a relative, yes.

OP, I'd suggest divide and conquer as others have suggested - you stay with your mum for her birthday and DH goes to the wedding. If your little dd is invited to be a bridesmaid, then tackle that as and when.

Wedding, obviously. Hopefully, she'll only have one!
"Big" birthdays are NOT special, and I have never understood why people think they have to go to see another adult on their birthday. If I were your mother, I would be telling you to go to the wedding, OP.

I don’t get it when people say you can celebrate a birthday at a different time. The birthday is when the birthday is and op understandably wants to celebrate her mum making it to this milestone. I suggest not overthinking it. Your mum is more important than your niece (even though she really really matters too). So it isn’t birthday vs wedding but celebrating your mum as a key person who is crucial to her vs being an extra person at the wedding of someone who matters but not as much. You will be missed more at the birthday. I would probably bring my 4 year old dd to the birthday too but I get you might not get to make that call.

Wow, and you deserve to get shot down for it, starter wedding, is terrible to say.

i got married at 23 and about to celebrate our silver wedding anniversary? People can get married at any age and it can last many many years.

back to OP. My mum would be my priority.

Have you talked to your mum about it?
Because I think if I was in your situation and I spoke to my mum she'd say go to the wedding, especially if my dd was a bridesmaid.
Could you all travel to the wedding, mum included? Then she'd get to see her granddaughter as a bridesmaid, maybe after the ceremony you could leave dd with your DH at the wedding and take your mum elsewhere to celebrate her birthday.

Tell the niece now that it's your mum's birthday that weekend

Birthdays don't need to be celebrated on the day. Wedding Saturday. Birthday party Sunday.

I don’t understand how celebrating a birthday can happen properly on a day that isn’t the birthday? And it sounds like the wedding is not near to ops mum. I think op feels she needs to choose. The day of the birthday is definitely the day to celebrate it!

Go on, try a little harder, Im sure you can imagine that not everyone celebrates their birthday on their birthday. Never heard of children's parties at the weekend? Adults working on their birthday and having a party on a non work day?

No one can't understand that

How are 'big' birthdays not special? They're called milestones for a reason. We organised lovely family get togethers for my parents 70ths that are even more precious memories now some family members are no longer here or in ill health and my husband took his dad away for a weekend for his 80th. I think it's sad that some people don't place any importance on these special occasions and creating memories. It's a shame to miss the wedding but they'll have lots of other people there.

I would probably bring my DD to the birthday too. Especially as the birthday plans were arranged (and accepted) first.

I hope the SIL has second thoughts about the provisional wedding date and books a different date instead. You never know, you might not be the only guest who already has plans for that day.

What was the SIL’s response? If she’s like my cousin, she’d have said, “bring your mum too!” My cousin’s wedding was very informal, though.

Mums 70th. Absolutely. It's already arranged.
"Sorry I/we won't be able to make it as we're not available that weekend, look forward to celebrating with you at our next get together."
Unless you particularly want to attend this wedding? In which case, you ask your mum to change her plans to accomodate you.
But, my feeling is ditch the husbands nieces wedding.

I wasn't seeing it like that. More like a Mum trumps a husbands niece! But all depends how close you are doesn't it. I was super close to my Mum, my partners nieces, I meet maybe once a year- don't exchange birthday cards or even have their phone numbers. Depends on the family dynamics I suppose.

Yes it's the relationships that decide it, not the event.

Hopefully niece will go for a different date. It seems pretty late on to be organising this and for a Saturday too.

It’s not that the birthday can’t have an event to mark it on a different date. It’s that the actual date matters for her min to have people to be with her on it.
and I 100% agree it’s the relationships that are the critical component here anyway.

Milestone birthday of an elderly parent who has been unwell definitely trumps a niece's wedding to me. Either, divide and conquer or offer to do something with your mum on her birthday, but apologise that your dh and 4 year old won't be there because of the wedding; but give her the choice of doing something the following day with all of you.

Don't make her spend the weekend in a hotel spa by herself !