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Original poster

Big event clash - WWYD?

144 replies

everychildmatters · 28/01/2025 17:58

Just found out a provisional date for my niece's wedding (husband's side) is on the same Saturday as my Mum's 70th. Bloody typical!!
I know all "big" birthdays are special, but my Mum was really poorly a while ago and she honestly never expected to make this milestone. We are incredibly close.
What would you do in my position?
Wedding about 4 hours drive from home.

OP posts:
TunipTheVegimal24 · 28/01/2025 18:53

everychildmatters · 28/01/2025 18:09

We also have a 4 yo who may be asked to be bridesmaid 😢

Your husband takes 4yo, a gift and your apologies.

You have extra time and attention to spend on your mum!

Presumably you'll both have plenty of people to talk to at your respective events, as you'll be with your own families. It's a win-win!

Anxioustealady · 28/01/2025 18:54

MolkosTeenageAngst · 28/01/2025 18:52

Let husband go to wedding with 4yo whilst you go to your mums birthday with the two older children and do something like a meal which wouldn’t suit the 4yo anyway. Do something nice with your 4yo and mum another weekend. Your mum is an adult, I am sure she can cope with not doing something with her younger grandchild on the day of her birthday! You and older DC can still make sure she has a special day and not having a 4yo with you will give more options for a day out anyway, you could do a spa day or nice meal or afternoon tea or country gardens or a theatre show etc none of which are massively child friendly.

This is a really nice idea

TinkerTiger · 28/01/2025 18:54

My rule is the event I agreed to first is the one I go to.

Original poster
everychildmatters · 28/01/2025 18:54

I think I would prefer to see my Mum on her actual birthday, even if we do something to celebrate another day. I'm not close to my niece as she was already a young adult when I met my husband (she's 20 now). I'm close to Mum.

OP posts:
CrazyHorse · 28/01/2025 18:54

I would opt for the wedding. You can celebrate a birthday the next day, but you can't go to the wedding any other day. I took an 11 hour flight for one nieces wedding, and missed my best friends hen do for another nieces wedding. I wouldn't expect my DD to miss a wedding for my birthday. I'd celebrate over more than one day.

reelcat · 28/01/2025 18:56

Mum everytime!

StormingNorman · 28/01/2025 18:59

You go to your Mum’s birthday and DH goes to the wedding with DD if she’s a bridesmaid. If not, she goes with you to your Mum’s party.

DH could always do Sunday lunch with you all when he’s back from the wedding…so your mum’s celebrations last all weekend.

strawberrycrumbles · 28/01/2025 19:00

If you are given an invitation for a wedding with such little notice the birthday party was already planned, I would have no hesitation of declining, and just sending your husband.

joyouslady · 28/01/2025 19:01

Mums birthday, no question. If DD is a bridesmaid he takes her with him. If not, just DH goes to the wedding.

Likewhatever · 28/01/2025 19:05

I think people must be missing that your mum has been ill and might not have made this birthday. It’s a special one for several reasons and you shouldn’t feel guilty about making her your priority. 🌺

HenDoNot · 28/01/2025 19:06

Oh wait, there aren’t actually any plans yet for your mums birthday?

In that case I’ve changed my mind, you’re turning down a wedding invite because you are possibly doing something, or maybe not, because nothing has been arranged yet.

Go to the wedding, and celebrate with your mum another day when your DH and DD can also join you.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 28/01/2025 19:08

@everychildmatters look, I have just had my 70th and I honestly didnt want to celebrate it with a party. I was quite happy just having a meal a few days later in the house with a bottle of wine. i didnt even want a cake. go to the wedding.

strawberrycrumbles · 28/01/2025 19:11

Likewhatever · 28/01/2025 19:05

I think people must be missing that your mum has been ill and might not have made this birthday. It’s a special one for several reasons and you shouldn’t feel guilty about making her your priority. 🌺

I don't share let alone understand the distaste on MN for adult birthdays, mine is a BIG thing every single year 😂, but nothing stops the family from celebrating properly a day early or a day later, however special it is.

Even kids celebrate their birthdays on different days when they have working parents! Acknowledge it, send flowers for the day, but the actual celebration can be something to look forward to?

DreamW3aver · 28/01/2025 19:11

TinkerTiger · 28/01/2025 18:54

My rule is the event I agreed to first is the one I go to.

What do you do if you havent yet accepted either as is the case here?

BarbaraHoward · 28/01/2025 19:11

Weddings trump birthdays. Your mum can celebrate the weekend before or after, she'll understand.

treesocks23 · 28/01/2025 19:12

I’d be another vote for the wedding and then do 70th celebration weekend before or after.

I think if you spoke to your mum this is probably what she would prefer as well. Ok it’s not the actual date but she would get everyone at hers as she wants and the same for the wedding. Neither of you will fully enjoy the wedding or the birthday otherwise if you’re separated.

Could you get your mum a lovely experience day or something as a present for her to do on the actual day?

For me, a nieces wedding would be a very important event. Especially if dd is bridesmaid as well.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/01/2025 19:12

Is mum up to going to the wedding?

If not, her birthday. Hope she has a great day.

strawberrycrumbles · 28/01/2025 19:12

But has the OP actually PLANNED a party or a celebration?
By big event clash, I understood that there was 2 parties at the same time?

DreamW3aver · 28/01/2025 19:13

reelcat · 28/01/2025 18:56

Mum everytime!

It depends on the mum, I wouldnt mind at all celebrating on a different day of it allowed my child to avoid a difficult dilemma.

Wouldnt you?

LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaa · 28/01/2025 19:14

Your mum without a doubt.

Ilovemyshed · 28/01/2025 19:17

Make a weekend of it near the wedding. DH and child go to wedding, you and your mum go somewhere special. Then you have a wider family meet the next day.

HenDoNot · 28/01/2025 19:18

strawberrycrumbles · 28/01/2025 19:12

But has the OP actually PLANNED a party or a celebration?
By big event clash, I understood that there was 2 parties at the same time?

I thought the same, 2 separate events were planned and booked.

But it seems not. Nothing yet planned for mum’s birthday.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/01/2025 19:20

70 is a big birthday especially if shes been ill and could have not made it that far, that definitely trumps an in-laws wedding which your husband can still attend without you.

LostMySocks · 28/01/2025 19:22

You mentioned provisional so just say straight away that you won't be able to make it. That way it doesn't upset their plans. If they really want you there they can move it. If they're not bothered then DH can go.

Topseyt123 · 28/01/2025 19:23

SausageRoll2020 · 28/01/2025 18:30

Amazed at how many people are saying birthday

Surely a wedding trumps a birthday, and as some have mentioned can be celebrated near the actual day, sounds like nothing is planned yet, just celebrate the birthday on the Sunday or nearby weekend.

A milestone birthday such as turning 70 would easily trump a wedding as far as I would be concerned.

OP should go to her mum's birthday celebration. You only have one mum, and she will only be 70 once. If she and your DH's niece barely know each other then I would think she would be disappointed if you weren't at her 70th.

DH goes to the wedding. Solo if necessary. If DD is to be a bridesmaid then he takes her with him. If not then you both choose whether she will go with him or with you.