Big event clash - WWYD?

[everychildmatters]

Just found out a provisional date for my niece's wedding (husband's side) is on the same Saturday as my Mum's 70th. Bloody typical!!
I know all "big" birthdays are special, but my Mum was really poorly a while ago and she honestly never expected to make this milestone. We are incredibly close.
What would you do in my position?
Wedding about 4 hours drive from home.

This.

A wedding is a much bigger milestone than any birthday though. A niece is a pretty close relative and the DH only has one. I take doubt the mum will expect OP to miss a wedding for her birthday.

I’m surprised at the answers so far. I guess all families are different but it wouldn’t occur to me not to go to a wedding because of a birthday. I can’t remember what my parents did for their 70th birthdays - we probably just went round for cake and champagne. We’d all make every effort to go to a wedding though.

You could give your mum the choice between having everyone there one week early (or late), or celebrating without DH and DD on her actual birthday. She'll probably choose the week early and then you can all go to both.

I have one niece, I can't imagine missing her wedding for anyone's birthday, when birthdays can have their main celebration on a different day.

Your Dh goes to the wedding and you celebrate with your mum. If Dh really doesn’t want to go alone, he declines. Honestly, can’t say Dh or I would have really cared if one of our uncles couldn’t have made our wedding. In fact, one of Dh’s was a no show on the day and we didn’t even notice til someone (more annoyed than us) pointed it out.

Missing a niece’s wedding would never happen in my family. How would you decline? What words would you use?

Can’t your mum celebrate with you and the family the weekend before or after? Perhaps she can do something with friends on her actual birthday. You go to the wedding.

If you were my daughter, I'd be telling you to go to the wedding!

The birthday can be celebrated a different weekend.

How far away does your mum live to you/the wedding? Could you see her on the Sunday? So go to the wedding on the Saturday, leave hotel Sunday morning and go straight to your mums for a late lunch/birthday tea then home.

Mum without a doubt. DH and DD go to wedding.

This is weird.

Wedding is a lonf day for 4 year old. Dh might like the offer of you taking her to see gran and him having child free catch up with his wider family at wedding.

Yep. I wouldn't be going to the wedding.

'Sorry i cant make it as it is my mums 70th birthday. Your uncle and cousin will be there, have an amazing day."

Milestone birthdays of parents are not easy to decline either.

Why would OP's mother want to do that? Besides, it's cheeky fuckery.

It’s a very situation dependent one. Does your mum have close friends she can spend the day with?

I won’t bore everyone with the details but I took my aunt out for lunch on her 70th as my parents were abroad and her son couldn’t travel back for that date. We had a lovely time then there was a bigger family celebration the following weekend.

Will your other DC be invited to the wedding?

You say no to the nieces wedding and celebrate with your mum and her granddaughter. Hopefully your husband will come to your mums birthday too. Mums celebration trumps a wedding. Because she’s your mum (if you are
close) and I hate it when people say celebrate your birthday ‘another time’- well it’s NOT your birthday then , is it ! It would be no contest for me, I would decline nieces invite. But let my husband know it was ok for him to go alone. He will be with his side of the family anyway.

20? I'll get shot down on here for this, but this is her starter wedding, catch her at the next one.
Is your mum a carer for your brother? If so I get why you want to be with her on her actual birthday

Are the two close enough to do both in a day?

Do something nice with your mum the day before, stay overnight at hers or nearby, see her on her actual birthday morning for a birthday brunch and presents, and then head off to the wedding… would this be possible?

Definitely choose your mum's birthday and I would insist that your youngest goes too.
When my dad developed brain cancer he wanted one last Christmas surrounded by his family and all his grandchildren but because only his wife, my siblings and me knew that he was terminal I couldn't tell anyone including my exh. My eldest DC was due at my exh's that year and I was too worried about asking him to swap because it would turn out to be a massive drama. I knew that he'd 'accidently' tell DC why and that I would 'owe' him.
It is one of my biggest regrets of my adult life that I just didn't go ahead and insist that DC came with me @everychildmatters. My dad was so upset that his eldest DGC wasn't there and it really affected him and he kept asking for him. It broke my heart. I took DC to visit him the next day but it wasn't the same.
I would like to point out that my partner would never ask me to choose or withhold our child under these circumstances - he would agree to go to Mil's party without any hesitation.

This!!

Is there a party for your Mum? If not, I’d take her to do something lovely another day and go to the wedding

I'd go with whoever specifically named the day first. If whoever invited, included you all the majority should go.

Are there lots of other family going to Mum's birthday? If it's a case of Mum's big birthday celebration or niece's wedding, then of course it's Mum's birthday, for you and your child at least. If it's more you organising the birthday celebration, can you not celebrate it another day? I presume it will be a really special celebration, not just you popping in for coffee with your mum? You can't go to the wedding another day, but you can do this another day. Lots of 4 and 5 year olds manage to be excited for their birthday event even when the day itself was a school day, so I'm sure your mum would cope!

Actually, now I've clocked the niece is 20, I think you've got a point here