To those of you who lost your mum early..

[TakeTheGravelAndTheShellAndWeMakeAPearl]

Hi everyone,

I guess this is my way of writing a letter to those of you who lost their mum early. I really don't want to upset or trigger anybody by posting this so if you don't feel comfortable talking about it or reading, that is okay and I'm sorry for any upset caused.

My question is, if anybody is comfortable answering, if you lost your mum too soon, what things did she do that you are so glad she did? Or on the flip side to that, what do you wish she'd have done?

Just to set the tone, I was diagnosed with mesothelioma at 23. Mesothelioma is an incurable cancer caused by asbestos. I know where I was exposed as a young child, I've made peace with it. The thing is, even though sheer luck, the most incredible oncology team, many rounds of chemo, surgeries, being in a coma, I am stable and NED, but it won't be long. It won't be forever. It's a ticking time bomb as no treatment can diminish the asbestos fibres in your body. I managed to have my beautiful DD via IVF and I'm at peace with it. It could come back in a year, it could be 10 years. But it's almost definite that my sun will set early. I'm 30 now and 7 years on. My heart is failing but medication and surgery have helped. I do actually lead a normal life, I work full time etc. I have bi-yearly MRI's, bloods every month, endoscopy and colonoscopy once a year. That's how much testing they have to do to keep on top of it as it is literally a time tomb.

Some things I have done for DD:
Set up an email in her name. I write an email once a week sometimes more to the address. Telling her about what we've been up to that week, the highs, the lows. I've sent my bread recipes and how to make a sourdough starter, it's like a little diary. DH will give her the logs ins at an age appropriate age.
I've got a memory box with my favourite lipstick, unopened perfume, lock of my hair, some jewellery. I have a hand written letter explaining my diagnosis and what it meant, and how she was the first baby ever to be born after mesothelioma and treatment. I've set up a will for her, so financially she is pretty set for life. (Hefty compensation for asbestos exposure).

Is there anything else I should do? I'd really like to hear from people who lost their mum early.
My heart is with you all, it's a cruel world. Thank you for taking the time to read or respond.

I also hope this doesn't end up in the papers, I've posted under a different user before and the DM took it, so in case it makes a difference, I DO NOT consent for this to be used in the media.

Thank you all.

Hopeful bump

I lost both my parents relatively young (my dad to cancer, and my mum to estrangement, she’s still alive technically), but I also have cancer myself.

I don’t know how long I will be around as still undergoing treatment, but one thing I have thought about doing is birthday cards for every year and gifts for some milestone birthdays. Like literally every year until they are 80.

I think your ideas so far are lovely btw. It’s such a strange place to be in, isn’t it?

@mindutopia I'm so sorry for what you've been through and thank you so much for replying. And for what you're going through now. It's such a weird, unsettling place to be isn't it. The not knowing but feeling of knowing too much at the same time. I haven't got round to doing birthday cards yet, I've been putting it off as I the thought of 'you won't see this birthday' runs through my head and makes me really sad ☹️

I haven't started doing some 'pointer cards' for DD, like a letter for your first heartbreak, first job interview, school exams etc but birthday cards just seem to really get to me.

I really hope you're okay, and as settled as you can be. My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best for your treatment. It's a horrid ride isn't it :(

Hi op I would print out the emails and put into a book just as a back up.

For me I would just love to hear my mums voice again. Set up a YouTube channel set to private for her to access and record some videos for her or her future children reading stories etc. I would love to hear my mum say 'don't worry my love everything will be ok and I'm always keeping you safe' to play in hard moments. Or even something like 'you are stronger than you know and no body can bring you down and I'm always proud of you'.

It really comes down to the simple things for me. Pick an area close by such as a beautiful mountain walk or beach and take her multiple times, take photos, make memories and then instil in her that this is your place for times she needs to feel closer or some peace to go there and you will be with her.

@Strawber

This is such a good idea, thank you. I really appreciate you explaining what you need etc as much as it's undoubtedly painful for you.

Yes, I think recording my voice for her is really important. I like the YouTube idea! I also really like the idea of having a 'place' for DD to go to feel close to me. I'm guilty of getting too wrapped up in busy family life and working so I'm going to have a think of a place. I'm lucky enough to have plenty near to where I live so that's a really good idea. Thank you, I really appreciate it.

Did you have your daughter before or after your cancer diagnosis? It’s not clear in your OP.

No experience but i'd think though file formats and leave printouts too. In case for example YouTube or the email provider goes bust, or gets a new policy to delete content that's not been viewed for more than a year? I wouldn't leave something so precious solely in the hands of a software company.

Hi, I'm my OP it says that my DD was the first baby to be born after a mesothelioma diagnosis and treatment.

I agree. I really like apps idea of a book so I'm going to print a lot of the emails out over time. I have lots of videos saved away on my phone and laptop but I agree we can't keep total trust in software companies!

You ideas sound lovely and I am truly sorry you are in this situation. Things I wish I could have asked my mum are more practical things that only she could answer like when she went through menopause, did she have any fertility struggles, general health things from her side really that you only realise it would be useful to know when you are much older. I am sending wishes out to the universe that you get to have many more birthdays with your little one x

I'm going to hand write our Christmas recipes as I found it comforting to see my mum's handwriting. Next time I'm in Liberty's, I'm going to buy a lovely book to hand on to the daughter who bakes.

Thank you! That is so lovely of you to say.

Yes I completely agree health stuff is important particularly women's health. I've written the story about what happened with my cancer, and how some fantastic doctors managed to create her in a lab and I was able to carry and birth her.
I don't think I'll get to menopause age, but if I do, I really think it's important. My chemo (doxirubicin) can cause early menopause so it's certainly something that could be now I think about it. Thank you for your thoughtful reply, I really appreciate it :)

Yes yes to handwriting! There's something so special about seeing handwriting isn't there. I've written DD a few letters and some little notes. I got a bit guilty of relying on 'I've got so many photos and videos' and I didn't think of handwriting for a while. I've done so many little hand written notes, some just say 'I adore the bones of you my darling' and others have recipes on.

Sending you love xx

Ah, so young. I am so sorry. Your post is beautifully written.

My mum was not young but not old either (65). But I wanted to post because what she did was a wonderful legacy for me. My mum had a lot of old family photographs in boxes. Some were very old (my great grandmother aged 13). Anyway, before she died she put them all in an album and she wrote underneath who they were and a little memory about them. She said that if they were left loose in the box, I would have no idea who these people were. So now I have the album and I know who these people in back and white are to me and my children.

My friend lost her Mum early. Her Mum bought her a special Christmas decoration the year before she died. Without divulging too much information it's a character. This decoration is very special to my friend and she feels like her mum is "with her" when she displays it over the festive season.

You sound like a great mum!

I was just over 40 when my mum died through gross negligence on the part of a surgeon, David Baumber, who had a god complex.

She was just 62 and the loveliest most gentle person you could meet. Everybody loved her. She wrote us, her family, a poem before she died after an 8 year. It was 20 odd years ago, so no emails, which sounds fabulous.

The best thing she did was spend a lot of time with us (me and my little sis) making memories. We'd go out for meals, weekends away, go to watch concerts, walks, she went on holidays with my sister ... spent loads of time with us. So I suppose the only thing I would say, is make memories that will last a lifetime even if it means leaving less inheritance.

Good luck op, wishing you good health for a long long time x

I’m so sorry op. What a thing to live with.

I lost my mum to cancer when I was in my twenties, so not a child, but far too early. She never met dh or my dc, and this is a source of eternal sadness to me.

Things I would add to the great suggestions you’ve already had:

Take lots of photos of just the two of you. I never realised until she’d gone how few I actually have. Most have other people in them too.

Write down what you know of earlier generations - your own parents, grandparents lives etc. A lot can be gleaned from the likes of Ancestry, but I have so many questions I wish I’d asked when my mum was alive. Who is who in old photos and so on. Memories.

Thank you all so much for your suggestions, and just for sharing your experiences, I really appreciate it more than you know.

Some of these ideas are so lovely and I've added them on to my never ending list of 'to do' before it's too late. I already have a Christmas bauble for DD, there's a picture of me giving her a hug inside from when she was a toddler. It brings me a bit of comfort that one day when she's doing the mammoth task of putting up her tree, perhaps with children of her own, she has a little hug from me on a branch to remind her of how much I love her. I really do love her. I know it sounds silly and all parents love their children, and some may feel it's selfish that I chose to have a child with this diagnosis. (I've had that said to me before) but I just look at her and my heart bursts with pride. She is my angel sent and the reason I wanted to have a child (apart from always dreaming of being a mum) is that if my sun does come to set early, there's a little part of me still in this world. I just want to do everything I can in my power to leave as much of me here possible. I cannot bear the thought of not seeing her grow up, it's something my brain blocks out. But she has brought me so much love and happiness. I utterly love being a mum. I utterly love being her mum.

We're taking a holiday to Cyprus this year for 2 weeks. It's taken me a while to be able to get insurance to make sure I'm covered and I'm so excited to see the beachy air flow through her hair and her little toes in the sand. I just want to drink her up like nectar and show her how much I adore her. I'm going off on a tangent a bit here, but these suggestions genuinely mean so much to me, as it's just a bit more I can do for her. It brings me some comfort and I can only hope it will her, when it's my time to depart.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond. I really appreciate it.

I'm also living with a terminal diagnosis and planning on leaving things for my daughter.

I have started a guided journal which recounts all sorts of things from my life so far, things she won't know. It's also handwritten so she has my actual writing.

I'm planning to buy a locket and put in my favourite picture of us together.

I'm writing down the words of wisdom I've learned and want her to know, but aren't age appropriate yet.

I'm planning to find all my favourite photos - places I've been, people I know/knew, etc and put them in a nice box.

The advice about photos is good - very few photos of just us so I must change that.

Speaking as someone a few decades on from losing her mum young. I've discussed this on another similar thread and I would really caution against the cards and letters to be released on special occasions or on multiple future dates.

I couldn't have coped with receiving cards and letters from my mum for years after she died, it would have broken me.

It would have caused me so much pain to receive cards or letters knowing she wrote them when she was dying and then me remembering that time - especially now I am older and can understand more how horrific it was for her as a mother to be in that situation. Additionally, one day they will run out (or they might get lost or destroyed in a fire or the person you entrusted to pass them on might die or become estranged) and it will be like losing you a second time.

There's no interaction with a letter, it would bring to the surface all the questions and conversations I wish I could have but can't. It would also highlight how much of my life she had missed because she wouldn't know who I am now and the letters would reveal that. You won't be able to write advice to her that takes into account the person she'll become and the context of her life in that moment, which will make them painful to read.

For example, when I graduated and had to go to the ceremony without her there it was bittersweet but I brought her with me inside my heart and that was comforting. If I'd been presented with a letter she'd written guessing how I might feel on that day, I think it would have broken me and made it distressing rather than bittersweet. Or if I received letters for some celebrations but not others because my life went in a different direction to the one she imagined for me. There will be special occasions in your daughter's life that you won't have been able to anticipate - there definitely have been in mine.

My mum did write me a single letter shortly before she died and she also made a memory box for me. Like you, she put a great deal of love and care into trying to make sure I would be as "ok" as I could be once she wasn't here. What matters most to me is not what's in the letter or the box, but the fact that while suffering unbearably she took those actions for me. The courage she had to do that in the circumstances she was facing still blows my mind.

The greatest gift my mum left me was her love, the outpouring of love and devotion from her is still a source of strength and comfort to me decades after she died. On special occasions that is how I know she would have been delighted and excited for me and bursting with pride.

Lastly, on a more practical note - please don't rely on digital spaces like email accounts and YouTube. Ten years from now that email provider or YouTube may no longer exist and all that content will have been erased.

Your love and your relationship are something your daughter will carry forever because they have shaped who she is and that is the greatest legacy you can leave her.

I have a bag of my mums scarves. 24 years later they still smell of her and it takes my breath away.
I have had so many questions for her over the years. I would love to hear stories of when she was a child, growing up, periods! Being pregnant etc. Things about her life generally - just stories that would make me feel close to her I have one of her cookery books with a handwritten recipe (stained!) I love that.
What about a cuddle jumper/ cardigan - get something beautiful and make sure to wear it with your perfume. Give your daughter lots of cuddles in your cuddle jumper. She can keep it forever and always remember being held <3

Honestly, I can't emphasise enough that your love will reverberate across the rest of her life. It is the greatest legacy.

If it helps you cope, maybe you could do some private journalling where you do the letter writing exercise for your own self to process your feelings - but keep it private or destroy it afterwards, don't pass it on.

I really do understand the desire people feel to leave a lifetime of letters for someone, but I also feel that doing so is more about the writer's needs than the recipient's needs. Try and find a balance between the things you are putting in place for her and the things that are helping you to cope with your feelings.

The love and security you've given your daughter as an infant and small child will have influenced her brain development. It's not just about the memories she can revisit of you and your love, but your love for her is very physically wired into the core of who she is.

You don't need to try to bottle yourself, you are always going to be with her and she will always have a relationship with you.

The best thing my late mother gave to me was self-belief, I have an internalised positive voice from her. I remember her saying things to me like 'if I can do it you definitely can' and other consistent encouraging comments and actions that gave me the sense that I was capable. That has been invaluable and enabled me to achieve and explore and experience more of the world.

I’m really sorry for what you are going through and what your daughter will experience. My mum died when I was 7. And now I have children of a similar age, I often think how terrible it must have been for my mother.

I wish I had videos of her. There’s one video with a glimpse of her in it at a wedding, but I wish it was longer, just to see her body move, see how her face moved, her natural expressions. I’d also like to hear her voice - not talking to me but just her voice, maybe with her sisters or something. I guess my point is what I seek isn’t something she made specifically made for me, but rather was just her going about her life.

We had letters she wrote to other people during her life and her teenage diaries and I loved those. For years I treasured the last thing she ever wrote.

as someone else has said, I’m not sure a letter on my wedding day etc would have worked for me. Her absence was already there so much. I think it would have been too much.

that being said when I was pregnant with my first child, I so wanted to talk to her. It was probably the point in my adult life where I really felt her absence the most. I had terrible morning sickness. I wanted to know about her pregnancies, about how she felt, how labour had been. When I gave birth, I wanted to ask her about breastfeeding and her experience.

it would have been useful to know family health stuff, when she had her first period etc.

I think the greatest thing my mum did for us before dying was ensuring we had a big support network. Despite being very sick, she put a lot of emphasis on taking us to visit family, building relationships with aunts, uncles, cousins. When she died, we were surrounded by love.

I lost my mum as a teenager

I agree with the pp to skip the letters for future events in your child's life - my mum left some for me, but they don't relate to the person I am now and I find them quite painful

I really feel I missed getting to know the adult my mum was. If you can, give her a way to know you as a person not just as her mum