To those of you who lost your mum early..

[TakeTheGravelAndTheShellAndWeMakeAPearl]

Hi everyone,

I guess this is my way of writing a letter to those of you who lost their mum early. I really don't want to upset or trigger anybody by posting this so if you don't feel comfortable talking about it or reading, that is okay and I'm sorry for any upset caused.

My question is, if anybody is comfortable answering, if you lost your mum too soon, what things did she do that you are so glad she did? Or on the flip side to that, what do you wish she'd have done?

Just to set the tone, I was diagnosed with mesothelioma at 23. Mesothelioma is an incurable cancer caused by asbestos. I know where I was exposed as a young child, I've made peace with it. The thing is, even though sheer luck, the most incredible oncology team, many rounds of chemo, surgeries, being in a coma, I am stable and NED, but it won't be long. It won't be forever. It's a ticking time bomb as no treatment can diminish the asbestos fibres in your body. I managed to have my beautiful DD via IVF and I'm at peace with it. It could come back in a year, it could be 10 years. But it's almost definite that my sun will set early. I'm 30 now and 7 years on. My heart is failing but medication and surgery have helped. I do actually lead a normal life, I work full time etc. I have bi-yearly MRI's, bloods every month, endoscopy and colonoscopy once a year. That's how much testing they have to do to keep on top of it as it is literally a time tomb.

Some things I have done for DD:
Set up an email in her name. I write an email once a week sometimes more to the address. Telling her about what we've been up to that week, the highs, the lows. I've sent my bread recipes and how to make a sourdough starter, it's like a little diary. DH will give her the logs ins at an age appropriate age.
I've got a memory box with my favourite lipstick, unopened perfume, lock of my hair, some jewellery. I have a hand written letter explaining my diagnosis and what it meant, and how she was the first baby ever to be born after mesothelioma and treatment. I've set up a will for her, so financially she is pretty set for life. (Hefty compensation for asbestos exposure).

Is there anything else I should do? I'd really like to hear from people who lost their mum early.
My heart is with you all, it's a cruel world. Thank you for taking the time to read or respond.

I also hope this doesn't end up in the papers, I've posted under a different user before and the DM took it, so in case it makes a difference, I DO NOT consent for this to be used in the media.

Thank you all.

My mum died not young, but early and before I became a mum.

I don't have any letters from her, but I'm ok with that, I think it's impossible to pitch it right because it's so unresponsive to how I'm feeling at the time of reading it and what I need from it. I was an adult when she passed and this is a personal thing so don't feel that it's wrong.

I wish she'd described her childhood and what life was like for her before she became a mum. Talked about the 'real' her before parenting took over.

I wish I knew what I was like as a child, what did I love, what did I hate, what funny little habits I had. Did I sleep well? What was my personality like, how did other adults describe me?

Any clothing or items which smell like her or the family home are cherished.
I'm lucky because I have siblings so we can share stories and reminisce about my mum. We all had a different relationship with her, and view her very differently, but it feels a shared experience and I don't feel I am the only one who has to keep her memory alive, that's a lot of pressure on one person, so maybe some shared child appropriate therapy about letting you go when the time comes and that she must live her life for herself.

The most importantly and this is tough, but I would exchange all of the above for one more (pain free/healthy) day with my mum, one more trip/holiday somewhere iconic like Stonehenge if you can't travel abroad so I will always remember that time we...
One more hug, one more conversation.
I personally think the best thing you can do for your DD use the compensation for your injury & use the money to drop your hours at work, get a cleaner, enable as many 'quality' hours in the day/week/year to have time together while you are still healthy enough.

My mum left us some money, but I really wish she'd spent that money on herself making her unwell years more pleasant, spent more time with her friends and did some more things in her bucket list and spent more time with me. If I could turn back time I would have dropped my hours at work and arranged days out/days in with her. Just talking and hanging out.

Just to add my Mum was working age when she died, she enjoyed work, but it was more she was worried about money and possibly leaving us money.
I hate that she did that, I wish she'd spent that time and money enjoying herself.
The money has been very useful to me, but I could have managed without and it upsets me that I have a better quality of life because she denied herself anything frivolous.
I also lost half the money in my divorce (inheritance is not ring-fenced absolutely, definitely wasn't in my case).
She had a relatively difficult life with a fair amount of physical pain and constant money concerns despite being better off than the average. I wish I could have given her permission to let go of those worries and control and just enjoy as much as possible the life she had left. Just little things, self-care, a massage, a new coat, more regular hair cuts, more meals out, anything that she valued and showed she had given permission to put herself first finally.

Hey, thank you for taking the time to respond and I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

I'm not going to do the letters for events like birthdays, weddings etc. I'm just going to concentrate on the smaller things. She's only 4 so it's really hard to encourage too much at this age as she doesn't know life / death but of course as she gets older and the longer I stick around I will explain things in an age appropriate way. She is very close to me so i just want to leave her as much of me as possible. Perhaps it's the wrong thing to do, but it brings me some comfort by doing this, and it's very hard to find comfort in much when I'm so young to have this diagnosis. But i appreciate everyone's advice and pointers. I feel really overwhelmed today. I guess it's just the ebbs and flows of being handed these cards. She's in nursery today and I'm WFH and I just want to go and pick her up and give her a big cuddle.

Today's a tough day, but tomorrow will be better.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. This has been really invaluable for me to read and I'm really touched by your post.

I am actually dropping my hours in April. I do school hours / condensed so I get every afternoon / evening with her and then a pull weekend, but I am dropping a day in April so make the most of her before she starts school in September. We're going to Cyprus for 2 weeks in July which we are all so excited for.

I've written lots about her as a baby, what she was like. The little words she'd say like calling yogurts 'goggots' and things. I've written in detail about pregnancy and plan to do a birth story for her too which I've started but haven't got round to finishing.

I will add more detail of life before her, a few posters have mentioned they would've like to have known these details so I'll get round to doing that too.

Thank you again for replying to me. I appreciate you all x

I’m so so sorry. I lost my mum when I was 18 and it ruined my life. She was terminally ill but died sooner than expected so she wasn’t able to do everything she wanted. She intended to write us birthday and Christmas cards to open, and letters for e.g. my wedding day and when I had my first child. She was also going to tell me the stories behind her jewellery, so who gave her what etc.

Please don’t ever turn down having your photo taken either. My mum stopped wanting her photo taken when she was ill but now I have barely any photos of us in the couple of years before she died.

There are so so many things your DD will want so I’d do anything you possibly can, even if you think it’s not very big. She was going to put together a memory box for each of us but only got round to buying a coaster of all things. I found mine after she died and balled my eyes out all evening.

She kept diaries too of her illness and eventual decline, and while they’re the saddest thing I’ve ever read, they’ve taught me a lot about the side of my mum she tried not to show us.

How about videos for special occasions like special birthdays and weddings etc?

So sorry you are ill. Your plans for your daughter are really thoughtful.

I didn’t lose my mum to bereavement but she left my life when I was very young. We had a relationship in my adult life though a difficult one, and she has dementia now pretty far gone. However one thing I like is listening to her voice, Sometimes when I first walk in to her room she recognises me and says “hello”, and calls me by my pet name. That just takes me right back to a feeling of being a toddler and coming across her on my way around the house, or getting up in the morning and going into their bedroom.

So recording your voice, reading to her, lullabies or nursery rhymes may help your daughter feel close to you again when you can’t be there

Thank you❤️ for sharing your experience and also for giving me a bit of validation that what I'm doing is okay. It sounds silly I know but after many posters kindly shared their experience of receiving letters on wedding days etc wouldn't be for them (and I'm not going to do that) I just felt a bit out of place and unsure on what I'm doing.

It's such a hard world to navigate. But I'll keep writing, keep putting things together for her and keep having pictures and videos taken.

Thank you so much x

What about some keepsake versions, nice cloth bound ones of your favourite books and an inscription of what you liked about it. Just maybe a childhood one and a grown up one, I'd probably do Secret Garden and Tess of the D'Urbevilles

Hi @TakeTheGravelAndTheShellAndWeMakeAPearl

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I hope you and your DD are able to make some beautiful memories while you can

My dad passed away suddenly when I was 11, and one thing I wish I had more of are photographs of him, he was always the one behind the camera, so there really aren't many of him and I (he obviously didn't expect to die at 47)

So I'd suggest taking some lovely family photographs, maybe professional ones if you can afford it, so your DD has something to look at when she misses you

My heart goes out to you both.

My mum died when I was a toddler and was never spoken about. I'd have loved to have known what her pet name for me was, when I took my first steps, whether she breastfed and so on.

I'd love to know about her relationship with my Dad. What was 'their song'. How did he propose. Where did they honeymoon. What did she love about him and vice versa.

I wish I knew if I'm like her. Was she a bookworm. Was she fab at maths. Did she do her homework on the bus to school. Was she left handed. Did she have sugar in tea. Did she cry at soppy movies. Was she scared of the dark. Did she wave her arms around when she spoke. Was she an excellent mimic?

How was her pregnancy? Did she have morning sickness? How long was her labour?

Did she love soap operas. Did she go to many concerts? Did she love to gossip or was she known for being a loyal friend? Did she spend money the minute she got it or did she save it?

Nothing profound or illuminating. I just wish I knew what she was like as a person.

Sending you so many positive wishes.

If I'm like her, maybe she would have been proud of me.

This has been a really hard emotional thread to read and all replies have touched a cord with me and have had a few tears

more for your losses than mine

i was older when my mum died - she beat cancer and chemo but body was weak and died of bronchitis and septis and was out into a coma to try and recover

we had a day or two to chat but knew that was it

I was 40. Had just done first ivf which failed - she knew I wanted to be a mum and her a nanny

i always say mjni blondes came from above and sent to me by my mum . Took 10yrs ttc and 5 private ivf

I always thought leaving cards for future years for those who lose their mum early on but from reading this thread , seems not the way to go

tho some say like @DaisyJ6 would have loved this

maybe cards for 18 and 30/40 or wedding but to open after the day

I love having photos. Forever memories

wish I had some videos to hear her voice

I wish she saw me become a mum and wish she was at my wedding

but I had many years with her that I am forever grateful with and compared to how you must feel @TakeTheGravelAndTheShellAndWeMakeAPearl and others on here who lost their mums much earlier then me

so for me

photos and videos

memory box

scrap book

medical info

maybe memory bears to cuddle /made from fav item of clothing

or a blanket made from clothes or knitted if you can knit - like a woolly hug

most of all your love shows in every reply

I would print this thread off - whether you give it or not - but have the option

much love to you

Please record your voice for her, I lost my mum when I was 15 and before video cameras etc were a thing. I miss her voice more than anything.

Another thing I forgot to add. I kept my mum’s big fluffy dressing gown and never washed it. It’s in a vacuum bag and 11 years on genuinely still smells of her. It’s big enough to have a proper hug of and it’s been a huge comfort over the years.

For me, I wish I had her recipes as they were all in her head. I also miss her smell, I’m lucky that we are similar sizes and I inherited her clothes as the only girl. I put on one of her jackets the other day and could still smell her. I know one day that will run out.
I second the YouTube channel, I would love to hear her voice again.
im lucky that I had a close relationship with her and I knew about her childhood and young adult years. Sometimes you yearn to know family history.

I’m so sorry that you’re facing all of this. It’s wonderful that you’re taking the time to put things in place for your DD to remember you.

I would suggest making a video diary, so that your DD can hear your voice, see your facial expressions and mannerisms. They don’t all have to be light and happy. She can still get to know you this way and know how much love you have for her. Save the videos on a memory stick and back up any photos, so that they don’t get lost. I wish you the best of luck, for as much health and time as possible.

I haven’t read any of the other comments so sorry if this is repeating anything.

First, I think you’re doing a wonderful thing, and it must be so hard. I lost my mum before I was 17 and now I’m a mum I can’t bear to think of leaving our little one prematurely. I know you’ll cherish your time together, hopefully for many more years to come.

The thing that bothers me most is I can’t remember her voice. I can’t hear it in my head. She died before mobile phones were widely used and no recording devices easily available, so I have no record of her voice. I wish I could remember how she sounded.

I do remember her perfume though. She always wore the same one and sometimes I find it in Boots or Superdrug and have a little sniff. It instantly reminds me of her.

Best wishes OP

Yes smells @inthetrenches1. My mum always wore Paris and the smell of that makes my nose tingle and happy memories

You sound a wonderful Mum.

I lost my Mum to cancer when I was 10. We didn't have time for goodbyes as things happened very quickly. She had hidden the cancer for some time. Even now, some 50 years later, I long to hear her voice. I don't remember her voice at all. I remember the songs and stories she told us though. The few photos of us together were/are a comfort. I wouldn't have liked cards or letters for the future though, this would have been distressing for me I think. Just to hear her voice in a relaxed, normal situation would have been great. I know her favourite perfume and the music she enjoyed and I have a dress that belonged to her which she wore at a Christmas celebration. These things are so nice to have to hand when I want to remember her. I also share these with my daughter and in turn my granddaughter. My Mum will be remembered this way.

I think the book of your story is a great idea. I lost my dad as a toddler not my mum, but the thing I really love is when I find the snippets of who he really was as a person. My auntie recently gave me lots of postcards he'd sent to my grandparents over the years and it's been so nice to just get that feeling of his voice telling me about his holiday.

It wasn’t my mum, but my paternal grandmother. My mum had very very bad PND and really struggled and my dad was working away from home a lot until I was a preschooler. I had lived with her as a baby and we were incredibly close. I still think of her all the time. She had cancer and knew it was terminal.

I was only 3.5 when she died. I remember bits/random interactions or situations but it’s hazy. But more than anything I remember how she made me feel- so very loved and special.

When she knew she was terminal she recorded a tape (it was 1989) of her telling me stories and singing me songs -all the things that she used to read/sing to me regularly, and generally talking to me. All of the stories were old folk tales that I have rarely if ever heard since.

It was incredibly precious and special and meant a huge deal to me.

I don’t have the closest or at least emotionally close relationship with my own mum, but was incredibly close to my dad who died very unexpectedly last year. I never got to say the things I think we would have said if we knew. I absolutely adored him, behind my children, he was my favourite person in the world. Whilst I’m grateful that his death was so quick for him (sudden heart attack), it was very hard for me, I thought we had another 20years.

I go back over our WhatsApp messages. Sometimes he’d send messages for my kids, and so would voice note them to make it easier. I listen to them a lot. Most of them are general life stuff- ‘I heard about your spelling test today, well done!’ Or ‘mummy tells us you’ve been poorly, I hope you feel better soon, and can come and see us’. But it’s still comforting.

I know you said you do but make sure you take LOTS of photos, all the time, not just on special occasions. It was only after he died that I realised a) he was usually behind the camera, b) because a lot of the time we were just doing ‘boring’ every day stuff, we didn’t have any photos of us together. I have one or two as an adult from group shots on holiday, and some when I got married… but that’s it really.

I'm so sorry you're facing such a challenging time. I lost my mum at 38 so not as young as some but young enough and far too soon. I was pregnant with my second child so sadly they never got to meet which my daughter still finds incredibly hard (and of course me too). My son was 3 and has limited memories.

For myself I miss my mums voice every single day and it's 22 years ago now, way before mobile phones and we only just bought our video cam.
So maybe a few video diaries too? Special occasion ones and days you miss and need me ones. Handwritten notes too, I only have a few from birthdays but they're so precious- you can even get jewellery with your handwriting on and / or fingerprints (would be a precious gift) - maybe something for her wedding day.
And notes for any future grandchildren , tell them all about your life , your history , your memories.

I wish you many happy times to come still , memories are the best gift to give your daughter, nobody can ever take those away xx

I was early 30s so not young young, but younger than I/ she should have been.
I'd echo so much of the above. I'd love to be able to watch videos and hear her voice. She could literally be saying anything. Recorded messages would be amazing but you could ask your OH to just record some really mundane day to day stuff tool. I wish I had more photos with her, the ones awkward teen and 20 something me probably squirmed away from. Grab her and take them!
I wish I could talk to her about health stuff too. I know her menopause was around my current age but have so many questions now that wouldn't have crossed my mind back then. Boring questions about things like what your periods have been like, or if you get migraines, that might be of practical help one day. There are questions that pop up occasionally at the doctor's about family medical history that I'm just not sure about.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. What an incredible thing you are doing though to make sure you are always present in her life though. She is always going to know how much you love her.

I can't edit my post to add but I've seen people say don't leave notes , please do. I'd have loved them they would give me so much comfort.
I get upset at special occasions without her anyway so they certainly wouldn't have made me worse.
She doesn't have to open them but at least she'd have that choice (you'd could express that to your partner or whoever you leave them with - that it's her decision to read and in private if / when she's ready).