To those of you who lost your mum early..

[TakeTheGravelAndTheShellAndWeMakeAPearl]

Hi everyone,

I guess this is my way of writing a letter to those of you who lost their mum early. I really don't want to upset or trigger anybody by posting this so if you don't feel comfortable talking about it or reading, that is okay and I'm sorry for any upset caused.

My question is, if anybody is comfortable answering, if you lost your mum too soon, what things did she do that you are so glad she did? Or on the flip side to that, what do you wish she'd have done?

Just to set the tone, I was diagnosed with mesothelioma at 23. Mesothelioma is an incurable cancer caused by asbestos. I know where I was exposed as a young child, I've made peace with it. The thing is, even though sheer luck, the most incredible oncology team, many rounds of chemo, surgeries, being in a coma, I am stable and NED, but it won't be long. It won't be forever. It's a ticking time bomb as no treatment can diminish the asbestos fibres in your body. I managed to have my beautiful DD via IVF and I'm at peace with it. It could come back in a year, it could be 10 years. But it's almost definite that my sun will set early. I'm 30 now and 7 years on. My heart is failing but medication and surgery have helped. I do actually lead a normal life, I work full time etc. I have bi-yearly MRI's, bloods every month, endoscopy and colonoscopy once a year. That's how much testing they have to do to keep on top of it as it is literally a time tomb.

Some things I have done for DD:
Set up an email in her name. I write an email once a week sometimes more to the address. Telling her about what we've been up to that week, the highs, the lows. I've sent my bread recipes and how to make a sourdough starter, it's like a little diary. DH will give her the logs ins at an age appropriate age.
I've got a memory box with my favourite lipstick, unopened perfume, lock of my hair, some jewellery. I have a hand written letter explaining my diagnosis and what it meant, and how she was the first baby ever to be born after mesothelioma and treatment. I've set up a will for her, so financially she is pretty set for life. (Hefty compensation for asbestos exposure).

Is there anything else I should do? I'd really like to hear from people who lost their mum early.
My heart is with you all, it's a cruel world. Thank you for taking the time to read or respond.

I also hope this doesn't end up in the papers, I've posted under a different user before and the DM took it, so in case it makes a difference, I DO NOT consent for this to be used in the media.

Thank you all.

Could you set up a camera in your house that just records you in every day life also? Like just watching TV with her, playing with her, just general living so she can see you as you are normally with her

Sorry to hear you're faced with this, so heartbreaking. You sound like an amazing mother.

I lost my mum when I was 28, she had lost her mum when she was 19.

When I read you'd written down your bread recipe, it made me feel happy for your daughter. I don't have my mums bread recipe, and would love to taste the bread I grew up eating.

There's an app you can get, to voice record messages when you are gone. I'll Google if I can find it.

I think the finger print necklaces are lovely, and a spare just in case. I lost a friend, who had young children. We did family footprints, in paint. And they made a picture with all of their feet.

My mum also spoke to me about potty training, my babies weren't at that point yet. She was giving me the advice I'd need later on. And at the end, when my sister in law was pregnant, we say talking about our pregnancy experiences. So maybe write about being pregnant, whether you had morning sickness. What foods you couldn't eat/craved.

After Cloud is the App I mentioned in my post.

I loved having some of the books my mum read to us as children, to read with mine. So maybe keep some of the favourite books you read together. I've bought the books, as we didn't keep them.

Thank you so much for sourcing this!
I'll download it after lunch and start recording some bits on there.

I know I haven't responded to everybody but I've read every reply and really thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It's really helped me navigate what to do, and how etc. I love the idea of recording her favourite bed time story. I read 'we're going on a bear hunt' to her every evening, so that's the one I'll record. Who knows, perhaps she could play that to her children one day, if she wishes to have them. It brings me a lot of comfort.

I'm off to soft play with DD now. Looking forward to spending the day with her at her favourite place.

Will catch up later, have a good day all x

Maybe you could start scrapbooks together, all your days out. I used to ask mine what was their favourite and least favourite thing about the day. Some answers were so funny. Maybe email the photos of the day, and her answers. So she can read them when she's older.

Love the going on a bear hunt. One of my fav books and the book I always buy for children

recording it will be a lovely memory

Hi everyone.
Had a wonderful day with DD. I cleared the diary to have a day totally about her today, so we went for pizza, then soft play and then went to play in the arcades all afternoon. We sat on the 2p machine for about an hour and she's come home with a big pot of pennies. We picked up a couple of shells so I think I'll do a scrap book. She can get involved too and help with the sticking and gluing, I really like that idea! She loves crafts and so do I so that'll give us something tomorrow to do on a lazy Sunday.

I hope you all had a wonderful Saturday. :)

Love a 2p machine

I lost mine at 32, but she was ill for 6 years or so beforehand so I took the opportunity to soak everything up and spend a lot of time with her. She didn't want to admit things were that bad so there were many conversations we didn't have.

So I would say family recipes, photos and family tree info, videos, info on how you and her dad got together etc. I don't think it's the best idea to do cards for everything as someone said earlier, she may feel bad if she doesn't get married etc. But you are amazing for doing all this for her, don't feel guilty for having her either, no one knows what will happen in this life.