To those of you who lost your mum early..

[TakeTheGravelAndTheShellAndWeMakeAPearl]

Hi everyone,

I guess this is my way of writing a letter to those of you who lost their mum early. I really don't want to upset or trigger anybody by posting this so if you don't feel comfortable talking about it or reading, that is okay and I'm sorry for any upset caused.

My question is, if anybody is comfortable answering, if you lost your mum too soon, what things did she do that you are so glad she did? Or on the flip side to that, what do you wish she'd have done?

Just to set the tone, I was diagnosed with mesothelioma at 23. Mesothelioma is an incurable cancer caused by asbestos. I know where I was exposed as a young child, I've made peace with it. The thing is, even though sheer luck, the most incredible oncology team, many rounds of chemo, surgeries, being in a coma, I am stable and NED, but it won't be long. It won't be forever. It's a ticking time bomb as no treatment can diminish the asbestos fibres in your body. I managed to have my beautiful DD via IVF and I'm at peace with it. It could come back in a year, it could be 10 years. But it's almost definite that my sun will set early. I'm 30 now and 7 years on. My heart is failing but medication and surgery have helped. I do actually lead a normal life, I work full time etc. I have bi-yearly MRI's, bloods every month, endoscopy and colonoscopy once a year. That's how much testing they have to do to keep on top of it as it is literally a time tomb.

Some things I have done for DD:
Set up an email in her name. I write an email once a week sometimes more to the address. Telling her about what we've been up to that week, the highs, the lows. I've sent my bread recipes and how to make a sourdough starter, it's like a little diary. DH will give her the logs ins at an age appropriate age.
I've got a memory box with my favourite lipstick, unopened perfume, lock of my hair, some jewellery. I have a hand written letter explaining my diagnosis and what it meant, and how she was the first baby ever to be born after mesothelioma and treatment. I've set up a will for her, so financially she is pretty set for life. (Hefty compensation for asbestos exposure).

Is there anything else I should do? I'd really like to hear from people who lost their mum early.
My heart is with you all, it's a cruel world. Thank you for taking the time to read or respond.

I also hope this doesn't end up in the papers, I've posted under a different user before and the DM took it, so in case it makes a difference, I DO NOT consent for this to be used in the media.

Thank you all.

I lost mine quite late, but there were things I wish I had asked about. I wanted to know about my grandparents (they were all gone my 6th birthday). We had started doing a family tree which was really interesting as my mother migrated here in her 20s. I also don't know much about her childhood. My mother was a child during the occupation of France in WWII and I wish I knew more about it.

Of course, given your diagnosis, you may not wish to share too much with her about what happened in your childhood, but at some point the curiosity does kick in. There are things that you only really think about as an adult and you realise that your parents have been there before you IYSWIM.

Also, if you can, tag or annotate family photos. I have a box full of pictures of people who are family, but I have no idea who they are!

Photos. Loads and loads of photos of you and photos of you together with dd and with your partner both with dd as a family and as a couple. If you have a precious toy/ornament/hobby you will leave as memory get photos of you doing that with dd. I have a very precious pond ornament, it's cheep tat but the woman who took on mother role for me loved her pond and we used to spend a lot of time in the garden together. Over time those memories have faded, I would love a photo of us in the garden together.

Interesting facts about your side of the family. Your heritage. Obviously medical history but more about where you came from and who you are.

Start wearing a perfume every day. One that's not likely to be discontinued. Then when you are gone she will always be able to remember your smell.

And I would write a letter explaining why you had a baby after you knew you wouldn't be around long. As she may grow up angry about that.

A few posters have mentioned this now. I'll be honest I've found it quite hard to read. I've written so many hand notes, some little lines just telling her I love her, and some longer ones.

I think perhaps I should get rid of those now. But then I think 'perhaps she'd really like to see my handwriting' as a lot of what I will leave her will be digital ☹️

Yes I've spoken a lot about my childhood, I've written a letter of 'what happened' with the what, how and why's.

My parents have lots of photos of me as a baby and childhood so I'll get those from them and put them in the box. Thank you :)

I think little lines telling her you love her - available for her whenever she wants them not for specific times you think she should need them - would be lovely.

My mum wanted to give me advice and things, and wrote notes for events that will never happen for me. That's much harder. You can't know how her life will turn out or what will be important to her.

The trouble is, hard as it is to think about, your daughter's life will carry on after you, and she will grow into her own person.

As someone who lost their mum relatively young these posts are making me cry happy-sad tears.

OP your love for your daughter sings out from every word you write, and this will be your overriding legacy to her. Yes, it was awful for me to lose my mum young, but the fact that I know she loved every fibre of my being and was my biggest cheerleader is a huge source of comfort to me, even now, many, many years after I lost her. Years after she died I had a big, life changing decision to make, and I remember thinking I wish she was here to ask advice. Her voice appeared in my head, clear as day, and I took her advice, and I've never regretted it. You WILL be with her.
Like others posters, specific letters for things like my wedding day would have just been too painful for me I think, I'd have been in floods of tears before walking down the aisle!
But I wish I had recordings of her voice, just chatting away as she did, and of her laughter, and some of her handwriting. I wish I had a jumper that smelled of her. I wish I'd been given her last bottle of perfume. I wish she'd jotted down things that I might have wanted to know when I was older, but was too young to know at the time. For example, what I was like as a baby, when did I sleep through the night (this seems quite common for women who lost their mothers young, and have burning questions only once they have their own children). And I wish I had more memories from her childhood, and that she'd written down exactly how she cooked her favourite, learned by heart recipes. I wish someone had taken cuttings of her favourite plants in her beloved garden for me, so I could nurture them in my garden now. However, the very most important thing is to keep talking to your daughter, about all the small stuff as well as the big stuff; about your likes, your dislikes, your memories, your hopes, and what makes you smile. Keep building memories with her, even if it's just lying in the garden watching clouds together, or stopping to watch a sunset. You sound like wonderful mum.

I couldn’t read the whole thread as I got too upset but my mum died when I was aged 32. Things that have been comforting to me are knowing her favourite music, poems, her perfume, flowers, nail varnish and lipstick, and some videos of her on my phone where she was talking to my little lad. We didn’t have time to prepare at all and sadly I didn’t get the chance to have any of her belongings but knowing the above has meant I can always find ways to feel close to her again.
wishing you and your daughter peace.

OP I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I hope you have many more years to build memories together.

I lost my DM to cancer when I was 13. She didn't leave me anything in particular. To be honest I'm glad she didn't. I have photos of her and videos. I've saved the last birthday card from her and my DDad that she wrote and I've still got her perfume. These items are carefully stored in a box in my cupboard , opened only when I need or want to.

I'd also caution against leaving gifts and cards to be opened at particular times. I really struggled with her death and at special times in my life (significant birthdays, exam results, graduation, marriage, the birth of my DDs) she is right there at the front of my mind and I handle the emotions and memories the best I can. The thought of being all dressed and ready for prom or my wedding or snuggling my newborn and having an envelope staring at me, knowing it is a message from her, would utterly stain the day and potentially throw me back into grief.

I don't hide her and I think about her every day. My first daughter has her name and I wore her veil when I walked down the aisle but these were things I did when I felt I needed to and in my own way.

It is so clear from your post that you love your DD and want the best for her and to help her navigate the world when the worst happens but if you leave gifts and cards and letters for particular moments you then risk her having to steal herself before every major event to read your words, remember your voice and open a wound that never fully closes. Also, what if she ends up living a life different to what you anticipate? It's clear you would love and support her whatever comes but you can't write a letter with multiple choice. Imagine experiencing the pain of multiple miscarriages or infertility, already without your mum's support, to then find a letter for the birth of your first child? Or to be gay and find a letter for your wedding day referencing your husband. How does she then cope with "not being who you would've wanted"?

Your DD knows you love her. With respect, and an acknowledgement that I'm not walking in your shoes, focus on preparing her and building memories so that when the time comes she is able to love you and grieve for you then carry you with her no matter where her life leads

My mum lost her mum when she was 12, I think the thing she struggled with most was the lost family history, she didn't know or remember much about her maternal family at all, so writing little stories about your own childhood and things you remember your mum saying to you.

I'd also hand write some letters too not just email and do some voice recordings, maybe of you reading her favourite childhood short story so she always has your voice.

Both my parents died when I was a child. I missed many things but especially not hearing their voices, and I soon forgot the sound of them. So I would say to try and leave her a recording of your voice.

All the very best to you xxx

Thank you so incredibly much for taking the time to write this and for sharing your experience. Your reply has been really helpful and eye opening at how important it is to show our children how much we love them.

I really love the idea of laying on the grass, watching the clouds go by. DD and I (if she lays still enough!) do this with the stars sometimes. It's one of my most favourite things to go with her. A PP mentioned earlier of having a 'place' to go, where DD will associate me with and I think perhaps that could be it, looking up at the stars. The really simple things in life are what matter most. Who knows if she will want my sough dough starter recipe, or would want to know what her first food she was weaned on. But I've just jotted it down over time.

There is a book I have started to fill in called 'mum, I want to hear your story' and it's been a fabulous book to fill in so far.

I'm so sorry you lost your lovely mum so early. I take so much comfort in the fact you were able to look into yourself and seek advice from her after she passed. It really does bring me some comfort. Thank you for sharing your story ❤️

Thank you, this has helped me navigate the cards and letters side of things.

I won't do event cards like birthdays and weddings. I'll concentrate on the small things that she can access when she needs and wants. I don't want to ever put pressure on her to read a letter that will just bring her pain on her wedding day, if she would like to get married. That's the opposite of what I'm hoping for. I guess I hadn't really thought of it in that way before as so many people told me to do event letters, but it makes such sense.

Thank you, I really appreciate it

'With respect, and an acknowledgement that I'm not walking in your shoes, focus on preparing her and building memories so that when the time comes she is able to love you and grieve for you then carry you with her no matter where her life leads'

This is my ultimate goal. This has made me cry so many tears. Thank you 😭

This must be very hard to navigate OP and for what it's worth, I'm so sorry you're in this position.

I lost my mum when I was in my early 20s (so not very young compared to some) but before I got married, bought a house, had children. So she missed out on those milestones.

I'd love to be able to hear her voice again so I'd say a recording of you speaking, maybe reading a bedtime story your DD loves? And photos. Take all the photos and definitely print some so you have physical copies.

And like some others have said, something with your handwriting. I've seen people get jewellery made with their loved ones writing and always thought that would be special.

My mum died when i was 6. It wasnt unexpected (cancer) so she had a bit of time to prepare.

She got me counselling with a really good psychiatrist (she called him "the talking doctor"), when she knew she was terminal. It meant I had a safe space to process having a very poorly mum, and almost prepared me for what was to come. I now realise as a relatively well adjusted and secure adult that she had fantastic foresight in arranging this for me, both pre and post death (especially considering it was way back in the 1980s when mental health wasn't as talked about as it is now)

On a more practical note, she had a really good will in place. Gifting me money for my 18th, then a larger sum on my 21st and finally the bulk of her estate when i was 25. I could dip into the trust for educational funding (uni).

On one of my last visits to the hospital she gave me a teddy. I slept with this teddy for years and years. In fact, the rather battered teddy now belongs to my dd. I still have a box with some of her jewellery bits, although don't regularly wear them.

I was so young when she passed, i dont have many concrete memories of her, but she must have been the most incredible woman

A list of your favourite songs, movies and TV shows and any memories you associate with them. A scrapbook of memories for her to look back on. Info about your family history

Family heath history and medical info she may need for her dc.
Tell her to always watch her iron, supplement if necessary.

Periods what were /are yours like so she can compare and also what it was like carrying her and birth and any parts you found hard so she can think about that if she has dc.

A little bf history or life philosophy.

My mum died when I was 5. This was back in the 80s when many children were just made to get on with things after the death of a parent. With this in mind, all I can say is make sure your daughter has someone she can talk to about you. Years later and I have only just learnt to mention my mum without crying because we were never allowed to talk about her so I never learnt to manage my emotions. It sounds like your DD will be well supported and you sound like a wonderful mum so this probably doesn’t even apply in your situation, but it’s definitely worth making sure she has support. Sending much love.

My mum knew she wouldn't be around if/when I had children of my own so she knitted some baby clothes. It was a great comfort to me when I did have my son as it felt like she was there helping me.
You are doing a wonderful thing x

I'm so sorry you're in this position @TakeTheGravelAndTheShellAndWeMakeAPearl

I lost my mum very young - age 5. It was all too quick for her to do anything - I believe she died within a week of diagnosis (cancer), so very little time to do anything really. I'm glad there are no letters to me - or at least not loads of long outpourings. If there was one though I think I would just want it to be very simple and short (and just one and no surprises down the line) - no advice, just love.

One thing she did do was strongly suggest to my dad that I learnt to play the piano (she played the piano) - when I play now it makes me smile that she would be pleased and it connects us somehow. Treasured items are something she made as a child and a little diary from the year I was born with very factual things in her handwriting. I kept her costume jewellery for years before getting rid of it - she didn't make it and would've probably got rid of it herself. I have her sewing machine and I treasure that too - whenever I use it I think of her and strongly resist getting a more modern one. She died in the late 1970s and I there are no videos/recordings of her. I would've loved that - but probably not directly to me.

I would have loved memories of her childhood written down and what she knew of my ancestors (great-grandparents etc) that I never got to meet. Facts.

I lost my mum far too soon late teens but she taught me so much the fond memories her teaching me and my brothers how to cook and clean,and I still remember her words today when you get married or live with someone it's an equal responsibility.

I can cook,clean,iron knit and sew.

But I think most importantly she taught me never give up during those years of chemo and radiotherapy and even when she became really ill she never gave up she put up a fight to the very end.

After all the time as passed not a day goes by where I don't think about her and miss her very much

Like many people up thread my mum wasn’t young, but still gone too soon, and as the ending was faster than we all expected, we didn’t get to do all of the things that we wanted.

The “old” family photos are unsorted, so now I’m not sure who is who, from the Victorian family album. I have some “family” jewellery, but I didn’t write down who it was from and now there is no one to ask.

I like the idea of a guided journal, to record things in a logical order regarding family background, health etc.

When I moved out of home she hand wrote me all the family recipes in a book, which is now a prized possession. She also had a “signature scent” which is now an instant reminder of her whenever I smell it.

It is maybe not relevant for your daughter, but make sure you have written down what you want for any funeral or memorial service.

Oh OP, what a tough situation. I admire your bravery here and determination to do what you can for your daughter.

I think, as lots of people have said, what I miss most is not about my life as such, but what I don't know about hers. My parents died unexpectedly (accident) and what I really wish I could have is their stories. The idea of birthday cards etc. is lovely (we're all different; I'd have liked that), but what really hurts me sometimes is when I look at my lovely husband and child and wonder about what these events would have been like for her - how did my parents meet? Was it "love at first sight"? What was the proposal like, and did she know it was coming? Did she choose the ring? When did she find out she was pregnant with me and what did she think? What did we do together on her maternity leave/when I was little?
I know this is a very different scenario as I lost both parents (and no one else to ask these questions, where your daughter may have other family who will tell her. But some things, she may want to hear your story). But you might want to consider whether choosing a few special moments from your life might be worth writing down and sharing, as well as the writings you're doing at the moment that focus on the present with her/the future.

Oh and I echo what @Hellohellobello has said. I had a similar experience and it was incredibly isolating. I didn't talk about it because I was scared of upsetting people and when I did muster the courage to bring her up I was quickly shut down by a couple of people (many years down the line) - which was incredibly painful.
My dad said that I didn't mention my mum at all from the day she did until I was 18 when I made one brief reference. It wasn't because I had forgotten or wasn't affected or interested. I was traumatised and shut down - scared, but it was all well hidden. So yes, please encourage the people who will be around you to talk freely about you to your children right from the start.