To those of you who lost your mum early..

[TakeTheGravelAndTheShellAndWeMakeAPearl]

Hi everyone,

I guess this is my way of writing a letter to those of you who lost their mum early. I really don't want to upset or trigger anybody by posting this so if you don't feel comfortable talking about it or reading, that is okay and I'm sorry for any upset caused.

My question is, if anybody is comfortable answering, if you lost your mum too soon, what things did she do that you are so glad she did? Or on the flip side to that, what do you wish she'd have done?

Just to set the tone, I was diagnosed with mesothelioma at 23. Mesothelioma is an incurable cancer caused by asbestos. I know where I was exposed as a young child, I've made peace with it. The thing is, even though sheer luck, the most incredible oncology team, many rounds of chemo, surgeries, being in a coma, I am stable and NED, but it won't be long. It won't be forever. It's a ticking time bomb as no treatment can diminish the asbestos fibres in your body. I managed to have my beautiful DD via IVF and I'm at peace with it. It could come back in a year, it could be 10 years. But it's almost definite that my sun will set early. I'm 30 now and 7 years on. My heart is failing but medication and surgery have helped. I do actually lead a normal life, I work full time etc. I have bi-yearly MRI's, bloods every month, endoscopy and colonoscopy once a year. That's how much testing they have to do to keep on top of it as it is literally a time tomb.

Some things I have done for DD:
Set up an email in her name. I write an email once a week sometimes more to the address. Telling her about what we've been up to that week, the highs, the lows. I've sent my bread recipes and how to make a sourdough starter, it's like a little diary. DH will give her the logs ins at an age appropriate age.
I've got a memory box with my favourite lipstick, unopened perfume, lock of my hair, some jewellery. I have a hand written letter explaining my diagnosis and what it meant, and how she was the first baby ever to be born after mesothelioma and treatment. I've set up a will for her, so financially she is pretty set for life. (Hefty compensation for asbestos exposure).

Is there anything else I should do? I'd really like to hear from people who lost their mum early.
My heart is with you all, it's a cruel world. Thank you for taking the time to read or respond.

I also hope this doesn't end up in the papers, I've posted under a different user before and the DM took it, so in case it makes a difference, I DO NOT consent for this to be used in the media.

Thank you all.

Please, please write this down for your DD if you haven't already from one of your previous posts. You write so beautifully. I wish you and your DD all the best xxx

"I already have a Christmas bauble for DD, there's a picture of me giving her a hug inside from when she was a toddler. It brings me a bit of comfort that one day when she's doing the mammoth task of putting up her tree, perhaps with children of her own, she has a little hug from me on a branch to remind her of how much I love her. I really do love her. I know it sounds silly and all parents love their children, and some may feel it's selfish that I chose to have a child with this diagnosis. (I've had that said to me before) but I just look at her and my heart bursts with pride. She is my angel sent and the reason I wanted to have a child (apart from always dreaming of being a mum) is that if my sun does come to set early, there's a little part of me still in this world. I just want to do everything I can in my power to leave as much of me here possible. I cannot bear the thought of not seeing her grow up, it's something my brain blocks out. But she has brought me so much love and happiness. I utterly love being a mum. I utterly love being her mum."

I lost my Mum when I was a teen and I definitely wish I had a way to hear her voice. For a while after she passed I would call her mobile just to hear her voicemail but eventually it was cut off. I obviously have photos but no videos. I do wish I had so many more photos though but this was before the time of social media taking off.
Also: journal. Even if it's mundane every day things, songs you're enjoying at the moment, tv shoes, receipts, just an insight into your world.

One thing that would be a lovely thing for your DD to keep would be a cast of you holding hands. I did this for my children holding their Grandad's hand and it's so lovely. You can buy the kits on Amazon.

I lost my Mum at 23 so so much of what has been written resonates with me.

When my sister got married, I had some words that our Mum had handwritten stitched in her handwriting and sewn on the inside of her wedding dress in blue. It was a special way to have part of her there on the day

I am so sorry to hear this.

I lost my mum at 25, so not a child but still younger than many.

One thing my mum did is photo albums, but with the pictures labelled so I know when it was who is in it, what's going on etc. it makes such a difference knowing I can go through these memories

Someone she knew passed when her kids were young and they had a box of photos, but no one knew anything about the photos, when they were taken, where, who's in them etc.

Definitely record your voice.
My mum died when I was 26. This year I will have been without my mum for more years than I had her.
We didn't really have a great relationship but it makes me sad I can't remember her voice. She used to sing songs to me and my brother at bedtime. If I play the songs now, they're familiar, but I can't remember what she sounded like singing them.

Thank you, that really means a lot to me. I really try to put my feelings into words as much as I can, as one day, all she will have is my words. Whether that be recordings, notes, or whatever is ingrained in her little mind.

I'm really struggling today.. I went out for dinner with family and I just wanted to come home, put my jarmies on and cuddle DD on the sofa. So that's what I did, and she is currently snoring her little head off leaning into the crook of my arm.

I think I will print this thread and put it in her box. Not only to show how many lovely people cared for her and what I was doing. But also, that there are many others who lost their lovely mums. Who got in touch with me on an anonymous site and offered me support and advice. Maybe, one day, it will bring her some comfort too, so she can feel a little less alone.

Please keep the posts coming. I'm going to print this off in a few days ❤️

I was 6, I wish I knew my mams values, funny stories, motherly advice about my children, I wish I could hear her voice. Relationship advice!! I’d love to know if we were similar in any ways?
In a few fairly desperate moments some encouraging words from my mam would mean the whole universe to me.
sending a whole load of love and admiration to you x

This made me well up, I lost my mum when I was 10, through different circumstances so she had no time to prepare.

What you've done is going to be incredible and will be such a comfort for her as she's older. I haven't read all the comments but agree with some voice recordings, I can barely remember my mums voice now.

Do you make any special family dinners? A recipe book of how you make dishes would be a lovely thing to have.
Maybe some cards/special pieces of (yours or new) jewellery for 18th, 21st, wedding day etc. Like other posters have said, anecdotes about your life pre being a parent and giving a sense of your values and who you are.

Honestly what you've done is going to mean everything, anything else is the cherry on top. I wish you all the best xx

I’m glad you took my suggestion to print this thread

the reason I said it was when my dh died (we were both 37)and I did a Fb post -and so many lovely comments and memories of dh

one of my friends god bless her took photos of every comment and printed them out and put in a book which I treasure

I know the date I posted if on Fb (not the day hedied) and sometimes I go for a read if having a shit day and not at home to read the lovely book of love

it helps still makes me cry now nearly 14yrs on but happy precious memories of what people thought of my dh and the love and supportfriends and family gave me

it’s priceless 💕💕

sending you a big squeeze xxx

I might not fit into the losing my mum 'early' category, as I lost her in October and I'm 42. However, I lost her unexpectedly after a quick and horrible illness, so didn't have time to ask all of the questions.

The things I've wanted to know since are the really little details of things.

For example, what was that song we used to listen to in the car on the way to holidays where she made my dolls dance along crazily to the music. Nobody else in the world knows the answer, and now nor do I, nor ever will I.

So, perhaps, when you're writing your emails, think about those little details. Although, I'm sure you won't manage to capture them all, so please don't beat yourself up if things are missed, because for me, the happy memory is still very clear, it's just the tiniest piece of detail that's missing.

Record your voice. Happy, laughing, singing, saying you love her, reading a story.

I'm so very sorry that you're in this awful situation.

This will be painful, but if I were your daughter the overwhelming question I would have as a teenager and adult (a question which if unanswered would probably make me distressed and angry) is: why did you have me when you were so ill, knowing that you would be leaving me while I still needed you?

My father died when I was in my early 20s from alcoholism. Alcoholism isn't, I've come to understand, the alcoholic's fault and I don't think there was a world in which he wouldn't have drunk, unless he lived in a culture where he never tried it. But he was already an alcoholic when I was born. I have suffered from bipolar disorder (mostly severe depressions) as an adult and this is probably genetic. But at my darkest moments I have wondered why he wanted to have children when he knew he wouldn't be parenting us properly. (He was not, as you manifestly are, a brilliant and loving parent.)

God love you OP.

I lost my brother recently and his DCs are young. I would say two things: the story of his life - we have some of it, but he was the one that had all of it, we had a big age gap so there are periods where there isn't a timeline, if you see what I mean?

And once my DB got sick he got very camera shy. We wanted to respect his wishes so never pushed it but actually, it's another gap where there aren't pics of the growing DCs with him. No-one around you will push you to have pics done when you're going through Covid, really don't feel like it, feel like you look terrible - I'm not suggesting you put those kind of pics on social media, but actually they're important for your wee one and I wish I'd realised that at the time.

Going through chemo, not Covid, and write the story down. rubbish post, sorry. Bit teary.

My mum died very young and recently I keep seeing those " mum I want to know your story" books. I wish I had one of those with all her memories inside 😔

Your love for your daughter shines through your words and she will feel it for the rest of her life. I don't have direct experience of your situation but I wanted to tell you that my own dear mother lost her mother at 16 and went on to have a happy life full of joy with loving family and friends.
Also encourage your friends to be around for your daughter and share stories of eg you being naughty at school etc.

Take lots of photos with you and your child. Don't be afraid to get in front of the camera. My mum always preferred to be behind the camera and she died when I was in primary school. Take videos so she can see your face and hear your voice.

And, without trying to sound too grim, speak to your DH about the importance of her receiving adequate support after your death, for the rest of her life. Im not sure my mum would ever have expected my dad to act the way he did (became self centred, ignored his children, moved on with someone else very quickly and eventually estranged from all his children as they grew up). I'd encourage open conversations with your DH about how you'd like to see him and your child supported and what life would look like for him as a widowed parent. Explain its okay to enter a new relationship when the time is right but only if it is a benefit to your child and enough time has been taken for initial healing. Ensure your wider family are committed to helping you husband and your daughter, through lots of communication. Perhaps give your wider family some things they can pass to your daughter when the time comes too so the burden doesn't fully lie with your husband.

you are so lovely, made me cry reading this :(

Videos of you , record some. I’m not young and recently lost my mum , I have only couple of videos that I look at every day , just so I can hear her voice👌🏼.I’m sorry this has happened to you

Op what a sad and beautiful post . I am sorry that you are going through this . You seem like a lovely thoughtful mum and I am sure that your daughter will know how much you love her .

I lost my mum at an early age , and I agree with all the thoughtful suggestions re her voice , handwriting etc .

I think for me it was quite difficult growing up as people were sad that she had died so young and didn't really talk about her much . This was because it was too painful for them .

I think I am sad that I didn't really know her as a person . Although later , I heard funny stories about her , there is so much I didn't know . I think we have moved on a lot since then and grief is talked about more openly .

I wish I had known more about what her favourite book, film , ice cream- , perfume was . So anything really that made me know her as a person and what she loved / disliked .

I think a favourite book with an inscription to her would be lovely .
Lots of photos , what your favourite outfit is .

Happy memories that you had as a child .

I think family history is important and when I was interested in it , her siblings only remembered snippets . I think things like - what school was like for her , first kiss , boyfriend . What you love / dislike.

Also your thoughts and experiences around her birth and how special being a mum is to you .

How you and her father got together and your love story ( if applicable ) . I think to know things from your perspective would be good .

I hope that you get many more special and happy memories with your daughter and your family .

Take care

Not a nice thought but protect your child financially. I lost my mother young (but not as a child). She had inherited a large amount from her parents, she had received a large insurance payout on terminal diagnosis. She and my father had “mirror” wills but they were not held anywhere, just in a drawer at the house. When she died my dad declared she had died intestate and inherited it all “you’ll. still get it all when I die”. He remarried, he sold the family home. Then he died his new wife declared him intestate, she inherited everything, including my mums inheritance.

Get legal advice and make sure this can’t happen to you child. Nothing can replace a lost parent but please don’t allow a stranger to steal a possibly safer financial future.

My heart goes out to you OP.
I lost my mum to pleural mesothelioma in her 60's. Still too young. Such a cruel disease. We have no idea where she was exposed to asbestos.
I would love to have an 'Encyclopaedia of mum'. Simply an A-Z of her. Her thoughts, memories, opinions, ideas, dreams etc. Get a large folder with A-Z dividers. Then put a page for each memory etc under the corresponding letter- so she has a reference to look up in later years. For example, under 'W' write about your wedding day, your feelings, preparations, some photos etc. Under 'P' write about your first period. 'B' -boyfriends- first, worst,funny stories,etc etc etc.
Every time you think of a topic, no matter how ordinary it seems, write about it and file it. Include polypockets with photos, favourite chocolate bar wrappers, keepsakes etc. It can run into volumes! But it will be her reference point for everything to do with you. Like you are still answering all her questions.Still hugging her and guiding her.
You are so incredible OP. Sending love x

Thank you for pointing this out. It's so important. But yes, she has bulletproof financial protection. I've put things in place via a bereavement child's trust and a Will. It also protects her if she was to remarry and then divorce. It is protected from any divorce spouse too. I spent a long time going through it all with a solicitor and will expert. A tough conversation but very important to protect her financially as you say.

Thank you, yes her having the correct support is very important.

She already has a play therapist. A 2 years ago when my heart started to fail, I started having horrible seizures every time my heart went into arrhythmia. I was diagnose with prolonged QT which is really dangerous left untreated. She u fortunately saw a few seizures, and I wanted to help her through that straight away as it really frightened her and she was only 2 at the time. So she has a play therapist and understands that mummy has a poorly heart. I thankfully have been seizure free for 18 months and I have my driving license back now so I'm back to all our old adventures together. But the play therapist somewhere where she can express her worries through play, and it's been invaluable.

I have also set side some money in my will specifically to pay for private counselling and therapy for her, if she wishes to have this. ❤️

Thank you for your reply :)

This sounds like a great idea

Perhaps you could do lots of different topics on videos Like what to do if ....a boyfriend/girlfriend in the future upsets her, she falls out with a friend, she doesn't do well on a test, a message for her 18th, message for her 21st, message for her wedding day, message for graduation, for her first job, first heartbreak

You could use some money to pay a flower shop in advance so send flowers every day on her birthday for 'x' amount of years with a message from you on the card

You could buy birthday and Chris May's present off you for every year to be put away or make a list and give it your partner/relative to order for each specific birthday. If that's too much then you could do a birthday gift for 16th,18th,21st,30th etc

Videos of you singing and reading stories to her

Could do some fun advice videos too like please don't pierce your belly button at 13 if you want it done at 18 then fine.

You sound like an amazing woman Op my heart goes out to you