Changing name on second marriage

[peachgreen]

I have a decision to make and I've been going over and over it in my head for months to no avail, so I'm hoping to gather some opinions from wise MNetters to see if that helps me come to a conclusion!

Background: I took late DH's name when I got married. Neither of us had any real strong feelings about changing name upon marriage other than we both wanted us to have the same surname so that we'd both have the same name as our future child(ren). His was the nicer name so we went for that one.

He sadly died when our daughter was 2. I've continued using his surname and it feels as much like my name now as my maiden name did. And obviously it's also my daughter's name.

Flash forward four and a half years and I am now engaged to DP. He has been in DD's life for longer than her dad was and she very much considers him her Dad, although we still talk a lot about her Daddy and remember him every day.

So the decision is: what do I do about my name when we get married?!

• The simple solution is double-barrelling, but both names are multi-syllable and they don't sound that great together. I don't really want to post the actual names here as this is already ridiculously outing, but a good approximation would be Watkins (late DH's name) and McDonaldson (DP's name).
• Also, if I DID do that, how do you decide which one goes first?!
• I still want to have the same name as my daughter, and I don't want her to lose her Daddy's surname – he was a wonderful Daddy and will always be part of her and of our lives, and his family love her very much. They would be very hurt if I changed her name.
• I also don't know if it's my decision to change her name in any way, if you see what I mean?
• But I would like to share a surname with DP and have our marriage recognised in that way – I realise this is quite old-fashioned thinking, but it's how I feel.
• AND I recognise that DP will (hopefully!) be DD's dad for longer than DH was, and that as an older child she may well prefer to have his name, and it may be easier for her to change it now than later on in the future.
• I think DP would change his name to my maiden name but wouldn't be comfortable changing his name to late DH's name – which I totally understand, I wouldn't either. I'm also not sure late DH's family would like that, although I could be wrong.
• DD is 7, so I have asked her her opinion, but she just thinks DP should change his name to ours, and of course she can't really understand the emotional turmoil that goes with that!
• I think deep down DP would like us both to have his surname, but he has left the decision entirely to me and says he'll support me whatever I decide.

What would you do, MNetters? I really don't want to hurt anyone!

The feelings of a 7 year old and the link to her daddy trump the preferences of other adults here. Either leave her and your surname as it is and let your new DH change his to match or have a different surname to him.

I think I would keep surname to be the same as DD. I would only take a new surname if I was planning to have more children.

I would keep your current name. However if you did decide to change all of your names I would give DD her current name as another middle name.

I wouldn’t change my name again, I’m in a similar situation to you. I’m not entirely sure what possessed me to change it to my married name in the first places if I am honest

I think I'd hyphenate my name with fiancé's and leave daughters as it is.
Dp is Mcdonaldson
You are McDonaldson-Watkins
Dd is Watkins

So sorry for your loss, it must be awful.
I think you should keep your current name. It’s your daughter’s link to her father. As you say, she will know your new partner much better than her father so I think it’s even more important to preserve that family link for her.

Either your partner changes to match you or you have different names. My husband and I both kept our names, our children have my name and it’s never been a problem.

Keep your name and DD's name the same. Or add your new H's name to yours if you really want to share his name but don't change your DD's name, that would be awful.

Sorry, I should have been clearer: the two absolute definites are that DD will keep late DH's name as at least part of her name, and I will share a surname with DD (therefore I will also keep late DH's name as at least part of my name). So when I talk about the possibility of "changing DD's name", I mean "double-barrelling with DP's name", not taking away DH's name.

As you say, she will know your new partner much better than her father so I think it’s even more important to preserve that family link for her.

This is a really good point and a way I hadn't looked at it before, thank you @Notthebeard.

Mm, this is another good point. I most likely won't have any more children, but it IS a possibility.

Then surely this is your partner's dilemma, not yours? Why do you have to be the one making the tricky decision? You and your daughter keep your names (they are yours now, regardless of where they came from), your partner decides what name he wants.

It's a bit sad that your DP won't consider adding your name to his - it might have originated in your first marriage but it's your name and his SD's name.

Well, because I could double-barrel my name / our names. I think DP might consider double-barrelling but I don't think he would be willing to change his name entirely to DH's name - I think that would be a lot to ask. He is very understanding and full accepts that DH will always be a part of our lives and that I will always love him, but I do think that would be a step too far for most people. I don't know if I could change my name to the name of someone else's dead wife!

I totally understand why a man wouldn’t want to take another man’s surname. Because that is essentially what you’re asking. I wouldn’t want to take my DH’s late wife’s name. Would anyone else here?

Just to add- my 2 eldest girls have their dads surname and I have my 2nd husbands surname and so does our youngest child.

At first I was a bit upset at having a different name to my girls, as I would never have kept my old married name (this was before youngest was born) but it really is fine.

I think he would consider double-barrelling. But he would only be doing it for me as he wouldn't mind us having different surnames – I think he would like DD and I to have his surname as part of our name but I don't think it's important to him that we share at least part of a name in the same way it is to me.

He could double-barrel his, or just take your name. Why is it so much emotional trauma for him, but not for you and your daughter, or any woman? What makes it a step too far for a man, when this sort of thing is expected of women by default? What makes his name so much more important than yours (it's your name, not your late husband's)?

I would leave it for now, once you dd is a bit older you can decide together but at 7 she can't really understand either way

@peachgreencould you use new husbands surname as middle names for you and DD?

I totally understand why a man wouldn’t want to take another man’s surname.

Do you? I don't. Why are women expected to do exactly this, without a second thought, but it's unconscionable for men?

Yes I agree, I think it's a really big ask to take your partner's late spouse's surname. I don't want anyone getting the wrong impression – DP really is a lovely, kind, understanding man and has always been wonderful about me being widowed, he would never try to replace DH in my heart or DD's – but I think that would be a step too far for pretty much anyone.

You changed your surname on marriage but was that after divorce or widowhood? Divorce would be a simpler decision I think, but I have nothing but love in my heart for DH and he will always be my husband in my eyes (and, to be fair, in DP's – he's very accepting of the fact that when we get married I will consider myself to have two husbands!).

My father died when I was a child and when my mother remarried she changed her name ( again) and even as a child I thought she was pathetic for changing her name again to the man's name. My name changing was never up for discussion. My step father has been in my life for longer than my father and mother, but I can not imagine having the same surname as his. Coincidentally my ds' father died when he was young and my dh has been in his life longer than his father was, I have the same name as ds and always have ( I never changed my name when I got married and ds got mine). Anyway, I'm saying don't mess about with your child's name and identity and be prepared for your child to question and possibly judge you if you change yours

It's interesting that so many of you wouldn't have a problem with taking the name of your partner's late spouse. I am honestly surprised. I didn't even really consider it as an option because I don't think I could do it.

I should be clear than like DH, DP has no expectation that I take his name when we get married.

Yes I think this is the conclusion I've come to for DD, at any rate, and this thread has definitely reaffirmed that conclusion. She can decide for herself when she's older, if she wants to.

What makes his name so much more important than yours (it's your name, not your late husband's)?

Thing is, we still see my late husband's family a lot and it is very much THEIR name. I actually think they would be upset if DP did change his name to theirs.

I'd echo those who say leave your daughter's name as it is. It's her name, she can decide to double barrel it in the future if she wants to.

Thanks for your perspective @Frankiedear, that is really useful. I'm sorry for the losses you've faced – it is really not easy.