Changing name on second marriage

[peachgreen]

I have a decision to make and I've been going over and over it in my head for months to no avail, so I'm hoping to gather some opinions from wise MNetters to see if that helps me come to a conclusion!

Background: I took late DH's name when I got married. Neither of us had any real strong feelings about changing name upon marriage other than we both wanted us to have the same surname so that we'd both have the same name as our future child(ren). His was the nicer name so we went for that one.

He sadly died when our daughter was 2. I've continued using his surname and it feels as much like my name now as my maiden name did. And obviously it's also my daughter's name.

Flash forward four and a half years and I am now engaged to DP. He has been in DD's life for longer than her dad was and she very much considers him her Dad, although we still talk a lot about her Daddy and remember him every day.

So the decision is: what do I do about my name when we get married?!

• The simple solution is double-barrelling, but both names are multi-syllable and they don't sound that great together. I don't really want to post the actual names here as this is already ridiculously outing, but a good approximation would be Watkins (late DH's name) and McDonaldson (DP's name).
• Also, if I DID do that, how do you decide which one goes first?!
• I still want to have the same name as my daughter, and I don't want her to lose her Daddy's surname – he was a wonderful Daddy and will always be part of her and of our lives, and his family love her very much. They would be very hurt if I changed her name.
• I also don't know if it's my decision to change her name in any way, if you see what I mean?
• But I would like to share a surname with DP and have our marriage recognised in that way – I realise this is quite old-fashioned thinking, but it's how I feel.
• AND I recognise that DP will (hopefully!) be DD's dad for longer than DH was, and that as an older child she may well prefer to have his name, and it may be easier for her to change it now than later on in the future.
• I think DP would change his name to my maiden name but wouldn't be comfortable changing his name to late DH's name – which I totally understand, I wouldn't either. I'm also not sure late DH's family would like that, although I could be wrong.
• DD is 7, so I have asked her her opinion, but she just thinks DP should change his name to ours, and of course she can't really understand the emotional turmoil that goes with that!
• I think deep down DP would like us both to have his surname, but he has left the decision entirely to me and says he'll support me whatever I decide.

What would you do, MNetters? I really don't want to hurt anyone!

How about using a blended version of the two names ( using your examples - Mc Watkinson)?

@peachgreen I was actually talking in the hypothetical! If that didn’t seem clear. So I can’t answer that.

Also (hypothetically speaking) if my current DH had late Wife, I think her family would feel weird me taking her surname.

Interestingly DP's mum's dad died when she was 2 and her mum DID change her name when she remarried to her step-dad's, and she was and remains very happy with that. BUT she was younger than DD is when her mum remarried and she has no memories at all of her dad, so in her eyes her step-dad is and has always been her father. So it's a different situation.

Anyway, sort of moot as I won't be changing DD's name. She can decide when she's older.

@peachgreen I think you have to realise that maybe even if you all have different surnames, that does not take away from the fact you are a close family :) it doesn’t mean anyone loves anyone less. It’s just circumstances.

Yes I puzzled a few of those over in my head but there's really nothing that works! Plus I think that would end up just upsetting both families (DP and DH's).

This is a very wise post, thank you. And echoes what DP says!

Not a dilemma unless your DP is inconsiderate or worse. Keep your and DD’s name the same. He can decide what he does about his name.

double barrelling often sounds silly and will be a pain for you and DD and likely to result over time in you both using one name, probably your DP’s. Not justified just to meet your DP’s preference.

Not justified just to meet your DP’s preference.

It really isn't DP's preference – it would be mine. I'm sure in an ideal world, he would like DD and I to share his surname, but he's not even expressed that opinion, let alone insisted on it.

I took my new husband's surname but my children were a lot older.. mid to late 20s when I remarried. My first husband had died when they were late teens. My daughter has since married too to she's different again. I used to work under my maiden name so HMRC know me as that ..it's complicated and I need to change them all now.

Thanks @Musicaltheatremum . It's a minefield, isn't it?! I hadn't thought of DD changing her name in future for other reasons – there could be a point in time where I have a surname that I share with nobody! Even in DH's family, it's only his dad and older brother who still have the name as his sister changed hers when she got married.

I know that DH, of course, would support me in whatever I choose. He almost died not long before he did die, and after that he was adamant about me finding a new partner if anything happened to him, with the caveat that my primary criteria when dating would be to find someone that would be a good dad to DD. He was such a lovely, kind, generous man. Another reason why I wouldn't want to lose his name!

Something to consider is that with a double barrelled name it is an extra layer of complication when they get older. Some places add a hyphen, some don’t let you use hyphens or spaces, logging into DCs school system has been a nightmare as they put me in with a hyphen on one child and without on another. They also added a hyphen to the opposite child and not to the one for whom I have a hyphen! And no matter how many times I asked them to change it they haven’t done in 6 years, so even paying for school lunches involves faffing around trying to work out which combination of hyphens to use! So if you do go DB ensure the exact same combination of spaces and hyphens can be used everywhere.

As the DCs have grown up they’ve got fed up with this themselves and the unwieldy nature of such a long name. DS1 informally just uses his dad’s name (as he says mine is chavvy 🙄) and the younger ones use mine most of the time as it comes first and is less likely to need spelling out to people).

Now we’re divorced and I never managed to change mine back as the paperwork is ridiculous, and part of me thought I’d get married again so it would need doing twice. Now I’m not so sure it would be worth the hassle tbh!

Thank you @SnowflakeSmasher86, that is a really good point!

This has been really helpful, thank you everything.

I'm think I'm leaning towards doing nothing now, and then letting DD make the decision when she's older and I'll just change mine at the same time to whatever she decides, if she decides to change it at all. This has made it clear to me that as much as I'd like to share a surname with DP, sharing a surname with DD is more important to me, and letting her make her own decision when she's old enough is the right thing to do.

I feel for you, OP, but it seems to me that the best option is for dd to stay as she is, for you to either stay the same as dd or possibly double barrel (if she would feel OK with that), and for your new husband to keep his name. You can always look at changing later when she's an adult IF you want to by then.

I remarried (after divorce, so it's different) last year. 2 older teen dds with ex's surname. I had wanted to keep the same name as my dds BUT my ex is still alive l and emotionally abusive, and would have derived enormous pleasure from that, and both dds understood that that was my reason not to stay the same.

Like you, new dp didn't put pressure on me at all. I decided that I wasn't going to keep ex's surname, so had a choice between changing it to new one or going back to maiden name. I hadn't been that for 25 years, so opted for new husband's name and am happy that I did.

My new husband is a widower and while I fully accept how much he loved his first wife, there is no way I could have changed my name to hers, for example, so I can understand that feeling too, it feels too much like being subsumed into a previous life of theirs rather than forging our own together.

Whatever you decide, different surnames are no barrier to a close and loving family and it's also not something that has to be decided upon straight away.

Sorry, cross posted with your update!

@EmeraldDreams73 Thank you so much for your compassion and your extremely useful perspective. I'm so glad you and your husband found happiness with each other.

it feels too much like being subsumed into a previous life of theirs rather than forging our own together.

This is such a wise point. DP (and anyone who dates a widower) already has to make a lot of sacrifices and allowances. I don't think it would be fair of me to ask him to make that one.

@peachgreen Thank you! It sounds as though you're very happy with your DP, and it's lovely that you want to ensure you honour your late dh and his family too. I wish you much happiness in this new phase of life x

Sorry haven't read every reply but I think the fact that your DH is going to get the rest of his life with DD and she sees him as her Dad is the very reason she should keep her Daddy's name.

They're both important and different people and I think the way it is now is perfect as both have a part in who she is.

As for you I'd probably double barrel (with DDs name first) even if it sounds silly.

I can understand why your DH doesn't want to take your late husbands name and would assume he will just keep his own name.

It's not a 'now or never' decision. You could leave everyone's names as they are for now but if any of you have strong feelings or it becomes an issue in the future you can change it it at any time.

Sorry I've used DH instead of DP here so sorry if I've added confusion

Sorry if this has already been mentioned, but having a different surname to your daughter could be an issue if you want to travel abroad and your passports are in different names.

My GD has her dad's surname and my DD was questioned at the airport about her entitlement to take her abroad without her dad. My DD now has a letter of authority from him (exPartner) when they go abroad just in case.

In most countries you don[t change your name. You add on!

I have nothing to add really that hasn't already been suggested, but I just wanted to say that I remember your heart breaking threads back when your DH passed way @peachgreen and I'm so so pleased to read here that you've found happiness again x

I think your husband to be has more to think about than a name. You can't compete with a ghost and I find this below a very strange thing to say .
I don't know if you have worded this strangely. Yes you did have another husband but you won't have two husbands at the same time. That part of your life has ended. There is no way I would be getting married to a man who would consider himself as having two wives .

"You changed your surname on marriage but was that after divorce or widowhood? Divorce would be a simpler decision I think, but I have nothing but love in my heart for DH and he will always be my husband in my eyes (and, to be fair, in DP's – he's very accepting of the fact that when we get married I will consider myself to have two husbands!)."

Personally, I'd just stick with separate names. You can double barrel if you want, but I'd keep your DDs name as it is.

While you hope this marriage is going to last the rest of your life, there's a not insignificant chance it will end in divorce (This is no judgement on your relationship, just based on marriage stats as a whole)

If it does end, depending on how it ends, you and your daughter may never want to see him again, and that leaves your daughter saddled with the surname of a man she hates, which either she lives with or goes through the faff of changing.

Hopefully of course none of this comes to pass!

I can see this is really tricky

I think what I would do is add DP's name as a middle name, in the Hillary Rodham Clinton style so day to day you would be as you are but for some things you would use the full name