Changing name on second marriage

[peachgreen]

I have a decision to make and I've been going over and over it in my head for months to no avail, so I'm hoping to gather some opinions from wise MNetters to see if that helps me come to a conclusion!

Background: I took late DH's name when I got married. Neither of us had any real strong feelings about changing name upon marriage other than we both wanted us to have the same surname so that we'd both have the same name as our future child(ren). His was the nicer name so we went for that one.

He sadly died when our daughter was 2. I've continued using his surname and it feels as much like my name now as my maiden name did. And obviously it's also my daughter's name.

Flash forward four and a half years and I am now engaged to DP. He has been in DD's life for longer than her dad was and she very much considers him her Dad, although we still talk a lot about her Daddy and remember him every day.

So the decision is: what do I do about my name when we get married?!

• The simple solution is double-barrelling, but both names are multi-syllable and they don't sound that great together. I don't really want to post the actual names here as this is already ridiculously outing, but a good approximation would be Watkins (late DH's name) and McDonaldson (DP's name).
• Also, if I DID do that, how do you decide which one goes first?!
• I still want to have the same name as my daughter, and I don't want her to lose her Daddy's surname – he was a wonderful Daddy and will always be part of her and of our lives, and his family love her very much. They would be very hurt if I changed her name.
• I also don't know if it's my decision to change her name in any way, if you see what I mean?
• But I would like to share a surname with DP and have our marriage recognised in that way – I realise this is quite old-fashioned thinking, but it's how I feel.
• AND I recognise that DP will (hopefully!) be DD's dad for longer than DH was, and that as an older child she may well prefer to have his name, and it may be easier for her to change it now than later on in the future.
• I think DP would change his name to my maiden name but wouldn't be comfortable changing his name to late DH's name – which I totally understand, I wouldn't either. I'm also not sure late DH's family would like that, although I could be wrong.
• DD is 7, so I have asked her her opinion, but she just thinks DP should change his name to ours, and of course she can't really understand the emotional turmoil that goes with that!
• I think deep down DP would like us both to have his surname, but he has left the decision entirely to me and says he'll support me whatever I decide.

What would you do, MNetters? I really don't want to hurt anyone!

They are taking their husband's name not the name of their former wife.

The fact that in your scenario they are the same is irrelevant. No one says to any woman you should DP's ex-wife's name.

But then any surname thread on MN goes the same way

PP has just proven the subliminal message many women still believe today:

"It's my father's name.
It's my husband's name.
I want to have the same name as my children, by default it would be their father's name.

If the woman takes any name, it's not her name after the marriage ends because she's apparently borrowing it. She can move from one marriage to the next "borrowing" each man's surname instead of forming/keeping her own identity as stable as the man formed and kept his."

I’ve always had a different surname to my children. I wasn’t married to my first ex nor to the second and I have four dc with 2 different surnames. Plus my own unique maiden name. I then married a lovely man who died 8 days after our wedding and took his name too. All dc are adults and older teens now and are completely unfazed that my surname has always been different. We are close and still a family.

My youngest 2 kids father has completely rejected them and doesn’t want to know, they regard my late dh as their father and want to change to his surname not to match mine but because they want to. I’ve said it’s completely their choice but to think carefully about it.

I really wouldn't advise changing your DD's surname for a man you've only known 4 years.

Either you take his name, or he takes yours, but keep DD's the same as her dad's. She can always change it herself when she's older. But changing it to her stepdad's name when you've only known this man a few years is rash and will be very confusing for her, especially if it doesn't work out between you.

Don't forget @peachgreen that many women keep two names going - their original name for professional reasons and their husband's name for domestic. This is perfectly normal and legal.

You could easily use your late husband's name for everything relating to your DD, school etc, and a your new husbands name for things related to your new life.

Wear each name like an item of clothing you put on when appropriate?

@peachgreen Hello! We exchanged messages after you lost your DH, I was under a different username. But I was also widowed with tiny kids. I'm so glad to hear you've found someone to make you happy.

Re last names, you should absolutely keep yours and DDs as they are. It's totally unecessary to keep changing your name due to an outdated idea, women aren't possessions! Your husband can change his if he likes. But having the same name doesn't make you any more or less in a committed relationship.

Best wishes to you all

This is reply is too sharp and unkind.

People have children with people they've known far less time than four years. It's long enough. Especially for a widow, believe me we're much better than average at figuring people out.

Take your judgement of a young widow elsewhere

I totally agree with this. I've seen children go through several name changes for new step dads (and then back). I don't think the OP is being rash in marrying; it's the changing the child's name to match her step dad.

I hid this thread for a while as it was starting to upset me a bit. I’m going to clarify a few things, give an update and then leave it.

1. Yes I’ve had legal and financial advice, with DD’s future as the priority. Everything DH left me is ringfenced for DD. DP is fully aware of this and in agreement that it’s the right thing to do.
2. The suggestion that I’ll “cycle” through step-dads for DD is beyond offensive. DP is not her step-dad. He is her dad. He always will be. DH is her Daddy. DP is her Dad. Both are essential to her. DP and I were both very clear that he shouldn’t even meet DD until we were prepared to commit to each other for life. He has been her dad for as long as she can remember and I would never take him away from her (barring abuse, but that would be the same with a biological parent). I did not go into this lightly – I always knew that whoever I introduced DD to would be who I stayed with for the rest of my life. I dated before DP. DD never met any of them, even in passing.
3. DP won’t be adopting DD unless she asks — unprompted — for that to happen, and I feel she’s old/mature enough to understand the ramifications of that decision.

Anyway, as an update the topic came up with DP today – after a friend of his sent us an invitation addressed to The Hisname-Mynames – and he said that he had assumed we would be double-barrelling and would both have the same surname. So this was all a fuss (in my own head) about nothing! I’m going to speak to my in-laws first and check they’re okay with him taking our name and then go from there. In practice, none of us will change our names legally at this stage – but we will use the double-barrelled name informally/as a family name. If DD chooses to be adopted by DP, we will all change our names legally then. But that will be many years down the line.

Don’t change any names. Lots of married women don’t, these days,

if your DD actively wants to add new Dad's name when she’s a few years older, that might be different.

When I married DH we both db'd so we're both hisname-myname. No way was I losing my family name and if I was going to add his he was following suit!

@peachgreen "• DD is 7, so I have asked her her opinion, but she just thinks DP should change his name to ours, and of course she can't really understand the emotional turmoil that goes with that!"

To be honest, neither do I. And I am much older than she is!

You each using both names does make the most sense.

If your DP is now Dad in her life this is a lovely way for him to show that.

Personally I wouldn’t ask the ILs, it’s your DP’s decision.

(P.S your name is YOUR name. Whether is came from your Mum, your Dad, your ex, out of a hat…)

I think what you have arrived at makes a lot of sense except for this bit

If DD chooses to be adopted by DP, we will all change our names legally then.

What would you change to then and why? I don't think it would be necessary to drop your late husband's name then either.

And as a side note - in case you aren't already aware, my understanding is that adoption would legally sever her ties to your former in laws so they would need to name her in their wills if they want to leave her something, she wouldn't receive anything if they just said "their grandchildren"

What would you change to then and why? I don't think it would be necessary to drop your late husband's name then either.

We would change to the double-barrelled name.

And as a side note - in case you aren't already aware, my understanding is that adoption would legally sever her ties to your former in laws so they would need to name her in their wills if they want to leave her something, she wouldn't receive anything if they just said "their grandchildren"

This is useful to know for the potential future, thanks! Though obviously if we did go ahead I would take legal advice then.

Because in the woman's case she's taking the surname of the man she is marrying. Not the name of the woman the man used to be married to.
OP uses her late DHs surname not her maiden name. I think her DP is saying, not unreasonably, that he wouldn't like to take the name of her late husband, he is not saying he wouldn't consider her maiden name.

Just for clarity – for those who haven't RTF – DP is happy to double-barrel with my surname (which is late DH's surname). I didn't think he would be, but he is.

Also I very much feel that late DH's surname IS my name. I chose to take it – late-DH would have very happily taken mine, but we wanted to share a family name, and quite frankly I liked his better!

No. It's batshit that in this day and age women feel the need to adopt a man's name. There's no need. I haven't and I wouldn't. They don't in other cultures.
But making her DP take her late husband name is equally strange in my view

@Whyherewego I totally agree. I would also personally never be a Mrs (I'm married).
But we are in the small minority. Most women in the UK still change their name upon marriage.
From AI overview: In the UK, around 90% of people who get married choose to change their last name to their spouse's. However, this number has been decreasing in recent years, especially among younger and more educated women.