Changing name on second marriage

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I have a decision to make and I've been going over and over it in my head for months to no avail, so I'm hoping to gather some opinions from wise MNetters to see if that helps me come to a conclusion!

Background: I took late DH's name when I got married. Neither of us had any real strong feelings about changing name upon marriage other than we both wanted us to have the same surname so that we'd both have the same name as our future child(ren). His was the nicer name so we went for that one.

He sadly died when our daughter was 2. I've continued using his surname and it feels as much like my name now as my maiden name did. And obviously it's also my daughter's name.

Flash forward four and a half years and I am now engaged to DP. He has been in DD's life for longer than her dad was and she very much considers him her Dad, although we still talk a lot about her Daddy and remember him every day.

So the decision is: what do I do about my name when we get married?!

• The simple solution is double-barrelling, but both names are multi-syllable and they don't sound that great together. I don't really want to post the actual names here as this is already ridiculously outing, but a good approximation would be Watkins (late DH's name) and McDonaldson (DP's name).
• Also, if I DID do that, how do you decide which one goes first?!
• I still want to have the same name as my daughter, and I don't want her to lose her Daddy's surname – he was a wonderful Daddy and will always be part of her and of our lives, and his family love her very much. They would be very hurt if I changed her name.
• I also don't know if it's my decision to change her name in any way, if you see what I mean?
• But I would like to share a surname with DP and have our marriage recognised in that way – I realise this is quite old-fashioned thinking, but it's how I feel.
• AND I recognise that DP will (hopefully!) be DD's dad for longer than DH was, and that as an older child she may well prefer to have his name, and it may be easier for her to change it now than later on in the future.
• I think DP would change his name to my maiden name but wouldn't be comfortable changing his name to late DH's name – which I totally understand, I wouldn't either. I'm also not sure late DH's family would like that, although I could be wrong.
• DD is 7, so I have asked her her opinion, but she just thinks DP should change his name to ours, and of course she can't really understand the emotional turmoil that goes with that!
• I think deep down DP would like us both to have his surname, but he has left the decision entirely to me and says he'll support me whatever I decide.

What would you do, MNetters? I really don't want to hurt anyone!

My mum remarried (after my dad died) she changed her name but kept a double-barreled name for school and all other things that related to me -introduced herself with my dad's surname in front of me (or on phone etc).

It was much more about feeling secure and loved by her and the rest of the family.
As an aside I kind of wanted to change my name as a teenager when the class was divided alphabetically, I'm extremely glad now that I didn't. My step father is lovely but my dad was my dad. I'm sorry I can't write that better. But hope you understand.

My niece was the child in this situation but about aged 8, my sister changed her own name to her new husband's and my niece kept her own name then double barrelled then eventually just used her step dad's name as double barrel was a pain but the changes came around the time her siblings were born so I think she wanted the same name as name but wasn't bothered about what her mum's surname at all

Thank you, that’s so kind of you. I have been very fortunate to have met two such wonderful men.

I think it's different because the name belongs to a partner who died and a larger family the new husband won't be apart of. If it was ops maiden name then it is an equal situation as both names are their own and connected to their wider family

Your dh to be decided for him self
You either your late husbands name or double barrel
Your dd name stays the same until she is older enough to opt to change it if she wants

I don’t want to be rude but I didn’t ask for opinions on how to handle my post-widowhood relationship. Besides, unless you’ve been widowed, you can’t understand how it feels.

If I had lost a child, and then went on to have another one, nobody would expect me to see the second child as a replacement for the one I had lost and describe myself as a mother of one. I would still be the mother of two children – just one wouldn’t be here any more. That’s how I feel about DH and DP. I have room in my heart for both. Thankfully DP is understanding of that, and very happy to marry me.

Thank you @Pinkyhere, the perspective from those of you who have sadly lost parents has been so so helpful. I really appreciate you sharing with me.

I will keep DD’s name as-is and let her decide if she wants to. (This is what we’re doing via-a-vis adoption too, so it makes sense.)

Please don't change your daughters name. My husbands mum did this to him and sixty years later their is still deep resentment that he doesn't have his reall name and neither do his children.

he's very accepting of the fact that when we get married I will consider myself to have two husbands!).

Interesting view on the situation. I was widowed young, 30s, and have been fortunate to remarry. I have one husband (I think it would devastate my DH if I said I had two!)
We actually created a new last name when we got married since we were creating a new family. My DH adopted my DC so it made sense for us all to share the same name, something meaningful to us. I would never have asked him to take my previous married name.

@HawkersNorth Different for everyone of course – I’m so glad you found happiness with your DH. How did you make the decision re: adoption? Can I ask how old your children were? DP would love to adopt DD but we both feel it should come from her (not a criticism of your decisions at all, just based on knowing my child and my particular circumstances I think that’s the best thing for us as a family).

Also creating an entirely new name is a great idea @HawkersNorth – thank you for the suggestion. One to mull over for future.

All this fuss to accommodate a man's feelings.

Keep yours and his as they are, you've already changed your name once!!

Let him change his - or not.

Definitely don't change your daughters. She can make that choice if she likes when she's older.

Tricky I appreciate. And why I never changed my surname and never will!

I wouldn’t do this. Keep the original name for you and your daughter. You don’t need the same name as your new husband to be married.

Again, this is not about DP’s feelings. It’s about mine. DP has not expressed a preference or an opinion and has instead said the decision is entirely mine and he will support me whatever I decide.

I took my late (first) DH's name on marriage - it was 1989, and that's what you did really. DS was born in 1999 and he had my name - there was no one else on the scene. Fast forward to 2005 and I married DP. I had no intention of changing my name so kept it as it was. Then DH asked if he could adopt DS (then 10) and we gave DS the option. Did he want my name, DH's name or to double barrel it? He chose double barrel (which made DH v happy and I didn't mind), multiple syllables but still. And in practice? He's DSChinUpChestOut because his last name is too long.....

Unless your DP is planning on adopting your DD, I wouldn't change her name. Leave it - who knows what's in the future, just keep your name the same as hers - it's her link to her DF. The older I get the more I think this name changing business is a load of old bollocks. Absolutely not necessary.

Thanks @ChinUpChestOut. DP would love to adopt DD but we both feel that should be her decision entirely.

I'm not sure why you need to make any changes. It's obviously a different situation, but we all have different surnames in our household. I have mine, DH has his and DD had both (double barrelled). She can decide what she wants to call herself when she gets older.

Maybe when your daughter's a bit older, she will decide to take her step-father's name, but surely that's her decision.

Sorry for your loss and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.

Best answer. You shouldn't change daughter's name unless new husband adopts her.

Your Dd is right.

why is it more of a “turmoil” for your dp to take your name, than for both of you to take his?

I’d leave dd with her dad’s name. You adults either go back to your birth name or his name, if you want the same name.

i wouldn’t bother. The paperwork and changing everything is a big pita - and if the worse happens and you split, what then?

stick to your own names.

i have a different name to the kids and dh and i like it that way.

Thanks again all, this has been very useful. Going to leave the thread now as I've made the decision to do the same as we plan do do re: adoption: let DD decide what she wants to do when she's older. I'll then follow her lead name-wise and change mine to match if necessary.

Leave your names as they are.

I don't think it's a big ask for him to take your name and your daughter's name. And that what he'd be doing, not taking your ex husband's name.

It's weird to me that you considered it your name up until now and weren't bothered by it "belonging" to your late husband when you took it, but now suddenly it's an issue when you're remarrying.

The name my husband used when I met him is his name. He is (for example) Steven Smith and if I took his name when we married I would happily be Mrs Smith. Why his last name is Smith isn't relevant at all, it's the name he goes by and the name he had when I met him.

I would have been your DD in this situation- my father died when I was 3 and my mum married my step dad when I was 7.
My mum took her new partner's name and changed mine too by deed poll. I was happy to go along with it as it was quite exciting having a new name!

It HAS been a bit of a pain in the arse having to show the deed poll along with the birth certificate for ID purposes.

Double barrel your name, new hubbys name and daughters name I think is best. Then your daughter has the link to her father and her step father and you all match.

Then any other children would be the same.

I don't think new hubby should think he is taking your ex husbands name. He is taking your name. And your daughter's name.

I would keep your DD's name as it is, and I would double-barrel yours. Traditionally it would be your DP's name first and then your existing name.

When your daughter gets a bit older she can make that decision for herself if she wants to add on her step-fathers name.

Edited to add: I wouldn't worry about 'matching' your DD's name either. If she gets married one day and chooses to change her name, then you won't match then either.