Changing name on second marriage

[peachgreen]

I have a decision to make and I've been going over and over it in my head for months to no avail, so I'm hoping to gather some opinions from wise MNetters to see if that helps me come to a conclusion!

Background: I took late DH's name when I got married. Neither of us had any real strong feelings about changing name upon marriage other than we both wanted us to have the same surname so that we'd both have the same name as our future child(ren). His was the nicer name so we went for that one.

He sadly died when our daughter was 2. I've continued using his surname and it feels as much like my name now as my maiden name did. And obviously it's also my daughter's name.

Flash forward four and a half years and I am now engaged to DP. He has been in DD's life for longer than her dad was and she very much considers him her Dad, although we still talk a lot about her Daddy and remember him every day.

So the decision is: what do I do about my name when we get married?!

• The simple solution is double-barrelling, but both names are multi-syllable and they don't sound that great together. I don't really want to post the actual names here as this is already ridiculously outing, but a good approximation would be Watkins (late DH's name) and McDonaldson (DP's name).
• Also, if I DID do that, how do you decide which one goes first?!
• I still want to have the same name as my daughter, and I don't want her to lose her Daddy's surname – he was a wonderful Daddy and will always be part of her and of our lives, and his family love her very much. They would be very hurt if I changed her name.
• I also don't know if it's my decision to change her name in any way, if you see what I mean?
• But I would like to share a surname with DP and have our marriage recognised in that way – I realise this is quite old-fashioned thinking, but it's how I feel.
• AND I recognise that DP will (hopefully!) be DD's dad for longer than DH was, and that as an older child she may well prefer to have his name, and it may be easier for her to change it now than later on in the future.
• I think DP would change his name to my maiden name but wouldn't be comfortable changing his name to late DH's name – which I totally understand, I wouldn't either. I'm also not sure late DH's family would like that, although I could be wrong.
• DD is 7, so I have asked her her opinion, but she just thinks DP should change his name to ours, and of course she can't really understand the emotional turmoil that goes with that!
• I think deep down DP would like us both to have his surname, but he has left the decision entirely to me and says he'll support me whatever I decide.

What would you do, MNetters? I really don't want to hurt anyone!

I really think he should overcome whatever scruples he has and change his name to yours. Have you asked him whether he will do this?

I really don't understand why people are so hung up on having the same name, almost 100% of the time the man's name. Isn't it about time children were given their mother's name and the man can change his if he wants?

For context I kept my name when I had my children. Yes they have their father's surname which I do regret as I would have liked them to have mine however I have never felt 'less of a family'.

I also for the life of me do not understand when women change their name when they get remarried despite having children with their previous spouses name thus then having different names. Absolutely nuts.

OP keep your name the same as your Dads, if your DH to be is annoyed then perhaps he needs to give his head a wobble. Why are you getting married?

I’m divorced. I have my maiden name which the children have. My husband took my name despite being happy and having a son with the same surname (his first wife died). He is took mine as he wants to and my children do not want to change theirs.

If DH to be is annoyed then perhaps he needs to give his head a wobble. Why are you getting married?

I do wish people would read posts properly. As I’ve said multiple times, DP is not in the slightest annoyed, he has said it’s entirely my decision and has expressed no preference either way. There will be no getting annoyed. And as I have also said multiple times, I will have the same surname as DD no matter what.

As for why I’m getting married, not that it’s relevant to this thread but it’s a) because I love him and want to marry him but b, and most importantly, because he is DD’s dad and who I want to take care of her should anything happen to me. We are a family. Getting married solidifies that.

Again, I have made my decision: I will keep my name until DD is old enough to decide for herself what she wants to do. At that point I will follow suit. If she wants to take DP’s name, I will too. If she wants to double-barrel, I will too. If she stays as she is, I will too. And to reiterate: DP will be entirely happy with this decision.

@CurlewKate I haven’t asked him because I wouldn’t be prepared to do it in his situation. Also I don’t think late DH’s family would be happy about it. To be honest, to me, THAT would feel like DP was trying to replace DH.

I think the simplest thing is for you and DD to keep your name for now. Then maybe in the future when it feels less important for you to have the same name as your child you could change your name if you wanted to and DD could make her own mind up.

The man's name is always "nicer", according to most women who still prefer taking the man's name but make excuses for it. I'll bet their husbands' sisters don't think the same of their names. I doubt you were ever not going to take your late husband's surname - nicer name or not - given that you're thinking of changing to your DPs now. Is his name "nicer" than the one you have now too? My point is that it's okay if that is what you choose to do because you still agree with that tradition. Just own it.

I'd let your daughter keep her name and identity and if it were me, I would keep the name as well especially because you never know what the future holds. I don't wish it for you as you've been through enough but what if you break up and remarry a third time, are you going to consider changing your name again to take that man's name as well?

I'm honestly not trying to antagonise you, I've just seen this too many times and don't buy the excuses.

As for why I’m getting married, not that it’s relevant to this thread but it’s a) because I love him and want to marry him but b, and most importantly, because he is DD’s dad and who I want to take care of her should anything happen to me. We are a family. Getting married solidifies that

have you taken legal advice on this?

as I’m fairly sure you marrying does not confer any legal or parental rights regarding your daughter.

he either needs to formally adopt her, or you need to get a will drawn up stating he is to be her guardian should anything happen to you.

there is a chance should anything happen to you family members- either her dad’s or yours, may have more of a case to take her.

sorry but getting married makes no difference to your “family” and him being dd’s dad.

Re: adoption, my DH brought it up to me when we were discussing marriage. I asked one of my DC who is an early teen how they would feel about it and it was a yes. Really my DH is the only father they know/remember, he was only 5 when his biological father died. My other child was just a baby. I think your child is too young to really understand the impact on changing names so I don't think its a decision she should be making.

Add your new DP name to your DDs with a hyphen and you do the same. If you want to keep your surname. You'll all share one name and you and your Dd carry on your late DHs.

This is by far the simplest solution.

@peachgreen I have just realised it is you.

Congratulations on your imminent marriage.

I remember when your first DH died and while I know you'll never get over your loss, it is heartening to see you've recovered enough to make a new relationship happen. Take care.

I don’t think women are ever expected to take the name of their husband’s former wife!

I’ve never been widowed but I can understand the posters position. It makes perfect sense.

When I separated from exH I reverted to my maiden name. I preferred to keep it, but conceded and changed it when I remarried. However, I am now first name, maiden name as middle name, DH name as last name. I just wasn't prepared to let my maiden name go again.

DD has her dad's name so it's different to mine.

I would double barrel your current name with your birth surname and suggest your DP takes your birth name as his surname.

Then you will have a shared name with each of them.

Well yes, they are.

one of the reasons I didn’t change my name was his ex was “mrs dhname”, and it would have meant I was also Mrs dhname.

so yes, I would have been changing my name to that of his former wife.

Thing is, we still see my late husband's family a lot and it is very much THEIR name. I actually think they would be upset if DP did change his name to theirs.

I agree with this. I think it would be incredibly weird if my late son's widow's new husband took our family name.

Equally, I would not change a child's surname at all. She doesn't need to share your DP's surname in any way, and it doesn't sound like something she actively wants either.

I think you should double barrel yours if you want to, and DP and DD stay as they are.

Arguably it’s not her name.

Well what is her name then? Whose name is it?

because legally she’s Mrs dhname. So there’s no arguing, it’s her name.

@LittleBearPad "I don’t think women are ever expected to take the name of their husband’s former wife"

Of course they are. Any woman who marries a widower or a divorcè would, until very recently have had the same name as her husband's ex wife. Consider the Second Mrs DeWinter....

Exactly. Unless pp think the women in these scenarios never truly own their names...