Moving to be closer to grandchildren

[Allatseas]

I am interested in experiences of people who have done this. We are considering moving to be closer to grandchildren at the other end of the country. We also have another adult child living some hours away, and it will be easier to see them both. They are buying a house in the area we are thinking of moving to. My son is very keen for us to move closer, DIL I think is worried her parents will feel pushed out!

I don’t think it’s MN being strange - OP has said her DIL has concerns about the plan. The responses are specific to that.

I really agree with this. It’s so family dependent and also really depends on what individuals want/do not want in living closer to family. The really big issue for me was that I tried so hard to open up a conversation about why I felt concerned about my MIL moving near before she bought the house but she didn’t want to entertain the conversation and instead wanted to ‘move forward’ without regard for how other family members perceived her move (and the potential unsaid expectations for now and the future). I guess it’s about clear communication. Though in my situation I believe my MIL deliberately didn’t want to discuss as she’d made her mind up anyway and felt that it had nothing to do with me or how I perceived it could affect my child in the future.

I’ll add also that in my situation there have been significant cultural differences where my husbands family are traditional Asian and there are unsaid expectations of daughters in law and their children. I’m just adding this to say that it really does depend on the individuals involved!

I would have hated my parents to live near me, but I accept that people have different views. But anyone moving specifically because of family needs to have lots of other stuff going on - what if there are tensions in the family? What if the couple split up? What happens when the grandchildren grow up and aren't really interested in the grandparents?
It bothers me that, right at the start, the OP said something like her son and DIL are not coping with their 2 kids, and yet there was a 3rd one on the way.....I'd be really worried about being roped in for regular childcare, and treated as an unpaid skivvy.

I think there's a big difference between moving to the same town where your DIL might be quite justified in feeling like you were moving in on top of her and being say 30 - 45 minutes away.

As others have said, make sure you move somewhere that is future proof - good medical care, a railway station, good buses if possible and activities that you want to do. It has to work day to day.

@dynamiccactus agree with you on this. But also depends on whether they feel comfortable with it. If they don’t then it may cause difficulties. Also, if there’s other family? Because being equal distance to all grandchildren I think shows an intention to divide time equally among them.

My mum moved closer to me. She was actually not that far from us but with traffic and parking issues where she was living took about an hour door to door (I realise that isn’t far still)! However it’s been so much easier having her just 10 minutes away. We often pop round to each other’s houses for coffee, can drop in, she is super helpful in emergencies and childcare, I help her too and it’s just so much easier. I don’t have a husband to consider though. We are both considerate re boundaries and don’t interfere with each other’s lives. She also has a life outside me and the kids.

Do you want to have to set a whole new social network from scratch? My friend has just retired to a town by the coast - it sounds exhausting to me, how hard she is trying to meet new people. I personally couldn't be bothered. I don't want to take up a hobby just to make friends. I would stay put and just visit.

That’s the problem though, I moved where I am now seven years ago and don’t have those social connections. Apart from one group which has become quite social, I have fewer friends now than ever in my adult life. Things just haven’t worked out here and I don’t feel I am losing much by moving.
DIL has finally been honest and admitted she doesn’t want us to move to their town or too close. So that does change he the picture. I do feel though that if my son does want us there he should have an equal say. Why should it always be her family who dominate? We will be closer to one of our other children too if we move but so far only one child has children.

Why doesn’t she want you to move?

She says she wants the area they have moved to to be theirs . However she did say to me her mother wouldn’t like it and I feel that’s part of it too.

I think that speaking from experience of being a DIL where my MIL moved nearby despite me having concerns about it, one thing that really bothered me was that she bought a house 10 mins away from me and 3.5 hrs away from her other grandchildren. It’s created a lot of resentment from my side and I’ve as a result become a lot more guarded about letting her into my home/life/my child’s life. My other half visits his parents once every 2 months or so but she’s ultimately ended up seeing a lot less of us than before her move as it’s created tension, distance and upset. I think that had she found a way to move somewhere more equally distance to all grandchildren (and adult children) I would have at least felt a sense of her wanting to make things easier for her to divide time equally amongst her children and grandchildren. It would have also made me feel more at ease that the later years can be managed between all her children more equally and not all fall on one adult child (and inevitably his family). I think it’s quite different though where someone has one adult child.

Good points and interesting to read. My other child is not likely to stay in the area they are living in long term but a move would enable us to be much closer to them both.