Moving to be closer to grandchildren

[Allatseas]

I am interested in experiences of people who have done this. We are considering moving to be closer to grandchildren at the other end of the country. We also have another adult child living some hours away, and it will be easier to see them both. They are buying a house in the area we are thinking of moving to. My son is very keen for us to move closer, DIL I think is worried her parents will feel pushed out!

My MIL used to spend months at a time at SILs house as an unpaid nanny whilst SIL retrained, qualified, worked as a teacher. Eventually, the kids wanted sep bedrooms and I think it felt very odd to MIL to visit less and stay in a hotel nearby when she did.

However, because she hadn't actually moved her home was still near her friends, church and other extended family.

Of course, you can live where you want. But you might not end up seeing the grandkids more often than their other GPs, as that is the choice of your DS and DIL. If that would make the move less attractive to you, then it’s a factor to resolve.

Hope that is clearer.

Both sets of our parents moved to our town, one when the children were tiny and the others when the children were in high school.

it’s been fantastic for all parties concerned. But:

• Everyone has been very respectful of boundaries, no dropping in unannounced.

• Both sets of parents immediately set to making their own friendships and networks as soon as they moved here, joining the local church, local societies and making friends with neighbours and through hobbies.

They have helped us out with child care and we helped out both sets during lockdown.

Now that the Grandparents are getting older we’re doing more for them and have been on hand to help with medical appointments etc.

Everyone lives within walking distance but not in each others pockets and it’s been great.

I’d recommend building your relationship with your DIL’s parents, if you are all really friendly it helps. Our folks regularly get together without us for dinner or coffee.

If a house came up just down the road from them would you choose that?

Think you need to reassure DIL that you have no plans to takeover, but in all fairness your son has a say in how you can see him and the grandchildren

Not me, but my parents moved to be need to us (I'm female).

Scenario was that when I started talking about returning to work (I hadn't planned to, 4m in I realised I needed to) my mum offered that they could come and stay 2 days a week and look after ds.
They lived about 3.5-4h drive away, had lived there all their lives and had other family - siblings and families, not other offspring (my brother also moved away). They were mid-50's at the time, both recently retired.
I said I couldn't ask them to do that, they said I wasn't asking they were offering.
Ds went to a childminder 1 day a week and then they'd come down on Tue late afternoon, stay with us, I'd work Wed & Thu and they'd leave when I got home on Thu.
After about 6m they said they were moving nearer, took about another 6m to sell, find somewhere and move.

They moved to a village about 15mims away, my mum joined lots of things to get to know people - and now 20 years later is quite an integral part of her village.
When I took 15m maternity leave with my 2nd child she joined CAB and did the training and continued to volunteer for quite a few years, as well as having both my kids when I went back to work.

Their relationship with my children is very good, and enjoyed by all of us. As well as the childcare we also spent quite a lot of time together and they helped me through my marriage breakdown and later the illness and death of my 2nd DH.

And now, I am on hand to help them as they age.

My dad initially said they were moving down for 5 years, and then they were going to move back. 5 years later there was no talk of this. They've recently moved within the same village having been in the house they first brought for 20 years.

I'm fairly sure they are both happy that they moved.

My parents did this. My dad had a health scare and my mum was in the ambulance with him and thought it would be nice if they were near family. It is a win /win.
But - they are easy to talk to and hard to offend. So when my husband wanted to set a boundary they rolled with it, no "falling out".
Also - they deliberately set up a life outside of us. They were already religious so found a new religious community, as well as choirs, bands and voluntary work. And the gym initially but not so much now.

It's fab. My daughter isn't that bothered either way really (brutal truth) but my son loves having the extra adult attention. Husband likes having childcare, my mums food and a relaxed wife. I like being able to check up on them without it taking an entire weekend.
Husband is really patient with them and shows them stuff like how to set up the printer - dealing with my dad's questions where I'd get impatient with him.
Just be really wary of boundaries and invite them to you, don't drop in unannounced. You may not care if their house is messy or they are in pyjamas, but they might. If they want to see you they'll invite you. If you invite yourself and they say no, don't be offended.

I'd say the main thing is to understand they may move at some point. I know a family this happened to, and the MIL was extremely displeased, and felt annoyed that she'd moved to be closer to them (they moved a few years later, just to another area still close but more difficult travel-wise to access).

I don't think that's something that "gets resolved". It's just part of the picture, and it sounds like OP will be mindful of it going forward.

It’s not OPs responsibility to sort out ! Not sure why the ILs get to dictate where OP moves to! They are her Grandchildren as well .

Don't get into a power struggle. Respect your adult child's marriage.

Yes I have given this a lot of thought. My sister lives not too far away and we have friends around the area.

No I would be very careful to respect their boundaries, I am more worried they won't respect ours to be honest. We have to be careful not to get pulled into being full time childcare ! I know they will lean very heavily on us and we both intend to pursue our own hobbies and interests separately and get involved with the community. They are really struggling to cope at the moment and I think our support would help them.

Sigh. That’s not what I said.

Suppose, as a couple, they have allocated six weekends a year for GP visits. At present that is 4 for the wife’s parents and 2 for the husband’s parents, because of distance.

If the husband’s parents move closer, the upshot may be 3 weekends each set of GPs, not a massive increase for OP.

My point was, if OP needs a certain number of visits to make the move worthwhile for her, then she should resolve it before they make a decision.

Of course, if OP wants to move regardless of this, it’s a free country.

@Love51 absolutely. But if DS wants his parents to see GC then he should be able to facilitate that. Doesn’t sound like he doesn’t want them to move closer. In early days with MIL neither of us would have wanted her so close and DH would have struggled with boundaries.

So OP (and her son) need to be mindful of DIL’s concerns and boundaries need to be in place, but if DIL doesn’t want OP to see GC as not fair on her parents that actually isn’t fair on anyone

I'd be really pissed off if my mother moved to be nearer me as were NC, but I'm assuming that you have a good relationship with your DC/DGC? You can live where you like but lead your own life.

but if DIL doesn’t want OP to see GC as not fair on her parents that actually isn’t fair on anyone

OP didn’t say this - her point was around whether DIL was happy for OP to see the kids more than her parents did.

However, OP has gone on to say that she is worried about being roped into regular childcare, so it’s not clear what the position is.

Curently it's a flight to see our parents, so they come to stay for up to 2 weeks at a time. I would love it if they were close enough to visit for a couple of hours rather than for extended stays. My PIL are lovely people, but I still don't particularly enjoy the long visits (to be fair, I guess it wouldn't be their first choice either!). Thinking towards the future, I would like to be closer to them as well, to be able to support them better as they age. As long as you're not planning on moving next door, and you all get your boundaries established early on, it sounds like a good idea.

@Allatseas the very title annoys me!! Moving to be closer to grandchildren are you not moving closer to your son???
what makes you think she will make you welcome in her house? are you going to visit when your son is there or just when she is there with the children? its alright saying your son is happy for you to move but it doesnt sound like your dil is in the same frame of mind! it is natural for a daughter to call on her own family for assistance and I think you are hoping you can insert yourself into their situation which I, if I was the dil, would not be at all happy with!

My son is desperate for us to move closer. DIL I think enjoys coming to us for a holiday and if we lived closer she would lose that, but there would be the benefits of us being there to help more. I would be able to meet her parents and build a better relationship with them too, as so far I have only met them once. I message her Mum a lot.

I'm also puzzled as to what your DiL's relationship with her parents has to do with this.

You can live where you like, as can her parents (subject to property costs etc etc) and her parents possibly getting their noses out of joint should be irrelevant to you. Her argument is weak. Of course if you do move close to them and DiLs' parents visit for the weekend or whatever, you keep your distance unless specifically invited - it'd be the other grandparents' time to be with their DGC.

Do think carefully about the move, though. As others have said, does the new area offer you enough in terms of facilities? Would you be OK being there if your DS moves away?

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld and the son can call on his parents. Obviously OP shouidn’t be demanding to visit whenever they want to and certainly shouidn’t be expecting DIL to be the one facilitating these visits, but the DC’s dad can want his parents involved

It doesn't have anything to do with it, just replying to a question about whether DIL would want us closer. She is very very enmeshed with her parents and said to me that her Mum wouldn't like us to see the GC more often than they do. Which is odd.

It sounds as though you'd like to see more of ALL your family (your DS and their sibling), not just the GC, which is good. Everyone makes so much of 'seeing their GC' but not allowing for the fact that, in a very few years, the GC have their own lives and friends and don't necessarily want to see GP so often. This can come as an upsetting realisation if you moved to see more of, or help care for, GC.

@crumblingschools the DC’s dad can want his parents involved as long as he doesnt expect his wife to entertain his parents while he is not even in the house!

@Allatseas you seem to imply that your dil will want your help! do you know this for a fact or is it just a hope on your part?