Moving to be closer to grandchildren

[Allatseas]

I am interested in experiences of people who have done this. We are considering moving to be closer to grandchildren at the other end of the country. We also have another adult child living some hours away, and it will be easier to see them both. They are buying a house in the area we are thinking of moving to. My son is very keen for us to move closer, DIL I think is worried her parents will feel pushed out!

My son is desperate for us to move closer.

Why?

And what does he think will happen if you do?

@Allatseas we had this issue with MIL in the early days. All GPs lived a distance from us, although my DPs lived closer so able to see them in a day, although still a reasonable drive. Mil and FIL (divorced) lived much further away so involved stays. MIL would get upset anytime one of the other GPs saw DC. I tied myself in knots at first to try and make everything equal. In the end DH and I agreed she would just have to accept there were other GPs. But we did ensure she had quality time with DC, so would do UK holidays with her, and did special trips with her, as well as just chilling with them at home.

She has a lovely relationship with DC and as stated previously she has mellowed in her ways

So be understanding of their point of view (although I assume you are currently the GPs who see less of GC) but don’t let it dictate your relationship with your son and GC

@diddl can’t a son want his parents to live closer?

If she doesn’t want you to see more of the grandchildren then I would seriously reconsider, by not respecting her wishes with her children you may live closer but push yourselves further away. DIL is under no obligation to have to see you more just because you live closer.

Only on MN do I ever see this allocated time with GPs, one set might see kids more and this would upset DIL?
I'm sorry but that's very petty.
Guaranteed she'll be glad of the help.

This! Why can't a dad be proactive in organising the childcare logistics and support?

It might just be awkwardly written but it doesn’t sound like you have a brilliant relationship with DIL. You’ve spoke about how much your son would love you to move, but DIL is worried. How do you know? A pp expressed that you should make sure DIL is ok with the move and you said why should we, we can move where we want. And you’ve said she’s ‘enmeshed’ with her family, which is a judgemental negative way of discussing her. You’ve also talked about how she’s going to be sad to lose a holiday (but your son won’t be?) but the holidays don’t work for you anyway. It’s all just a bit negative. Maybe it’s an accident, but if actually you’re like this towards her in person that might be why she’s apprehensive about the potential move. It might be worth trying to just be aware of any judgement/negativity towards her, if it’s accidental.

youve also said you do want them to be able to look after you as you get older (even though they’re already struggling with the responsibilities they currently have) but you don’t want to get roped into too much childcare. I appreciate it’s just a few messages on a forum, only you know if your expectations from them and to support them are fair.

My in laws moved closer to us, and do feel guilty when we don’t see them for a while, but otherwise it’s been great.

Yes of course he can!

And if he wants to see more of them & to make sure that they will see the GCs more than they do now then that's great.

If he wants to be able to drop the kids off as & when that's not so good unless Op would be happy with this.

Op has put that her son is struggling.

If they just want help to get through that & then reduce contact that's also not good.

She is very very enmeshed with her parents and said to me that her Mum wouldn't like us to see the GC more often than they do. Which is odd.
OPs son is very keen for her to be near, sounds like he might want to loosen up
this enmeshed behaviour, the other Granma sounds odd.

Yikes, that's quite sexist.

@BeLilacSloth so the son has no say? At the moment OP sees less of GC than other GPs, why is that okay?

I would certainly be asking what everyone’s expectations are before making the move but ensuring maternal GPs see more of GC is not a reasonable expectation. Ensuring GPs have a meaningful relationship with GC is, being expected to do childcare is not but can be offered by GP etc

I think she should check with DIL and Son first, if one of them doesn’t agree then yes, if they move it could end badly.

What others have said but from the other end of this, our mothers are now 88 and 240 and 100 miles away respectively. There is nobody but us to care, and at present they can manage, but it will become increasingly difficult at distance when they can't.

As a MIL and future grandparent, it would be about what works best for the whole family with absolute clarity from my perspective that I will not be responsible for formal or regular childcare.

Of course, you should move OP. It sounds like it'd be wonderful for all of you. I mean, I wouldn't move like three doors away. That'd be too suffocating. But within 5 miles for sure. As some posters have said though, make sure you have your own life and hobbies, and don't suffocate your DC and grandchildren. Your daughter in law's parents feeling butthurt, and like their nose has been put out of joint because you're closer and may see the grandchildren a bit more isn't your problem to deal with.

My older daughter and her husband actually live 10 minutes walk away from his parents and they see them 2 or 3 times a week some weeks. (Well, he does. She probably sees them once a week at the weekend with him.) Sometimes his parents go to DD and her DH, and sometimes they go to them ...

Yet they visit us every 4-5 weeks - and we visit in between, so we see them every 2-3 weeks . Whilst I wish I could see her a little bit more. I don't feel resentful that the other parents see her more. If grandchildren were involved and they were seeing the grandchildren 2 or 3 times a week, and I was seeing them less (like only every 2-3 weeks,) I may feel a bit differently.

My older daughter lives 25 miles away, and the younger one 18 miles away. They live 7 miles from each other... I see DD2 once every 2-3 weeks. She only visits every 5-6 weeks even though she lives a bit closer. (We visit her in between too.) They are very busy young professional women, and I have my own life/friends/hobbies (and so does DH,) so we don't mind. Every 2-3 months we all meet up together at our place. DH, me, both DD, and their partners.

I can honestly see now that I'm getting on a bit (nearly 60,) myself and my DH both moving to be closer to them too - like 3-5 miles away. Maybe in 3-4 years... 17 to 25 miles is starting to become a little bit far away for me, and DH. But yeah, the insecurities from the other grandparents isn't your problem. If you're able to move close to them and you're all in agreement with it. Absolutely do it.

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I think she definitely would want our help.

Think you've hit a few raw nerves. A lot of projection going on 😁

@BeLilacSloth so would it be okay if OP doesn’t move if the son tells his wife that they have to limit how often they see the wife’s parents to the amount of time they see his parents?

We’ve just done what you’re thinking of doing OP.
We are retired in our very late 60’s and recently moved to be nearer my 2 sons (no grandchildren as yet). We previously lived a 3 hour drive away, and saw them every couple of months. I was finding the drive increasingly hard and I also wanted to move while I was still able to manage it, and to “future proof” our lives as far as possible.

We've moved to an area we know, and have friends here. We're 20 minutes drive from 1 son and DIL, 40 minutes from other son. Nobody “pops in” unannounced, but it’s lovely that they can (and do) come for tea sometimes, or that I can help with dog and cat care if needed.
DIL is quite happy with the situation. I’m happy knowing that they’re near enough to help us in an emergency.

I’ve joined a couple of groups locally as well as swimming and walking at the local leisure centre.

Hope it goes well for you.

Are you sure that DIL just doesn't value her privacy and is worried that having in-laws too near will evine an issue?

Why don't you move somewhere between your children but definitely not in the same town or village as them. I feel that's too much

My two pennies-worth would be that a move could be valuable for you all, but you need to make sure there's some distance between you and them so you can live independent lives. You also need to put in place and respect boundaries.

Build your own life and have your own hobbies and things to do. If you're offering childcare, be very clear about what you're willing to offer - better to offer less (one day/one afternoon/emergency childcare only) and build it up when you know what you can cope with and enjoy than to offer the earth and let them down.

Don't be popping in and out unannounced. Just like you'd be offended if they expected you constantly to be available to help because you have your own life, they also have their own life. A bit of distance and mutual respect can do wonders for family relationships! Get your son to let you know what they would welcome and what might be overstepping if you have any doubts.

I don't know many DILs who ( while they might not be their MIL's biggest fans and vice versa) wouldn't welcome a bit of back-up sometimes and someone else to love and be interested in their DCs. Issues are usually caused by a lack of mutual respect or (often in my opinion) the husband failing to step up or manage the relationship properly and his wife getting the blame.

So your son wants you to move, but your DIL isn’t so keen?

How would she have felt if your son had said the same about her parents moving closer?

Unless there is some backstory here of falling out, you undermining DIL/not respecting boundaries, I think she is being unfair. Why does she get her family nearby and he is discouraged?

She hasn't said she doesn't want us to move, I think the main motivations are she enjoys coming to stay with us and getting a break, and her mother does most of the childcare at the moment. My son''s wishes are always considered secondary to hers, that's the way it has always been. Her family dominate.
I think our son would like us to be more involved and be there for him too. I think he struggles and feels quite isolated whereas she has a strong friendship group and a very involved family.

Are they moving closer to her parents with their move?

No, a bit further away.

Will her parents ever be in position to move closer?