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Original poster

Moving to be closer to grandchildren

138 replies

Allatseas · 10/01/2025 08:23

I am interested in experiences of people who have done this. We are considering moving to be closer to grandchildren at the other end of the country. We also have another adult child living some hours away, and it will be easier to see them both. They are buying a house in the area we are thinking of moving to. My son is very keen for us to move closer, DIL I think is worried her parents will feel pushed out!

OP posts:
Goldbar · 10/01/2025 10:52

Do they share the childcare at the moment?

Original poster
Allatseas · 10/01/2025 10:53

diddl · 10/01/2025 10:50

Will her parents ever be in position to move closer?

No they don’t want to

OP posts:
Original poster
Allatseas · 10/01/2025 10:54

Goldbar · 10/01/2025 10:52

Do they share the childcare at the moment?

My son does more childcare

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Families
BeLilacSloth · 10/01/2025 10:55

crumblingschools · 10/01/2025 10:35

@BeLilacSloth so would it be okay if OP doesn’t move if the son tells his wife that they have to limit how often they see the wife’s parents to the amount of time they see his parents?

I don’t think it’s really anything to do with her parents, she probably has her own personal reasons why she’s not keen on seeing PIL all the time.

standardduck · 10/01/2025 10:57

I think that depends on your relationship with them and whether it's something you discussed honestly regarding the expectations.

I'd not want my ILs moving near us because I know they would expect to come over weekly and we don't get on. It works better for us to visit them a couple of times a year.

If you have a close relationship and they are aware you are moving to see your DGC more and they are on board, then I think that's great!

It's of course your choice to move, but I would not move with expectations to see them often unless that's what you all discussed and agreed on.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 10/01/2025 10:57

What is this thing about GP wanting to see their GC the exact same amount of time as the 'other' GP? As though grandchildren are a bar of chocolate that is finite and must be divided fairly to the last crumb? Love is infinite, children can love grandparents they only see once a month just as much as the grandparents they see three times a week (often, perhaps, more, as the grandparents constantly in their lives will be taken more for granted). DILs having to invite people over to make it 'fair'...

It baffles me, it really does.

Elle771 · 10/01/2025 10:58

@Allatseas I'm a vote for yes! My parents did this and it has been great all round!

However once they decided to move closer they really prioritised houses and areas that suited them (hobbies amenities demographics etc) so that whilst the decision on whether to move or not was led by being closer to us, the details were all about building themselves a life for them and not with us/childcare in mind etc.. not sure if thay makes sense!

Their relationship with DC is amazing they are so close, but they also have a very full life and have made friends etc outside of being GPs

SheilaFentiman · 10/01/2025 11:00

Allatseas · 10/01/2025 10:54

My son does more childcare

Show quote history

As there is “another child on the way”, is the move for a job for your DS, and DIL will have to stop work and look for new work after maternity leave? Or are they both remote workers and staying with the same firms?

Either way, I assume there is a period of maternity leave where DIL will be doing more childcare.

diddl · 10/01/2025 11:02

but I would not move with expectations to see them often unless that's what you all discussed and agreed on.

Well this can be the thing I would have thought-expectations vs reality!

Whilst it would be easier to get to visit, if they won't realistically have more time for example then more visits might not happen.

That said you might see more of your which would be worthwhile.

If you like/know the area & wouldn't be leaving much behind it's probably a "no brainer"!

crumblingschools · 10/01/2025 11:11

@BeLilacSloth my understanding is that she won’t be seeing PIL all the time, and obviously if that is what OP thinks she will be doing then that expectation needs to be managed

Lidlisthebusiness · 10/01/2025 11:12

My parents moved to be closer to us and I appreciate it so much. It's been lovely for my children, and me, to have them close by and they were very involved grandparents. Sadly it hasn't worked out as we were all hoping, they've only been down here for a few years but my Dad was diagnosed with dementia and last year my Mum had a massive stroke totally out of the blue and so now I'm caring for my Dad, visiting Mum in a care home and have no outside help whatsoever with my children.
I don't think any of us would change the initial decision for them to come down here though, and we got to spend what turned out to be their last good years with them and I'm very grateful for that.

Goldbar · 10/01/2025 11:15

Allatseas · 10/01/2025 10:54

My son does more childcare

Show quote history

If he's heavily involved in his DC's life (and plans to be for the baby), I wouldn't have thought you'd have much trouble seeing him and DC. The baby might be too young at first to be apart from your DIL for long, but I would have thought he'd be doing a lot of toddler-wrangling at weekends etc while she is on maternity leave and recovering/caring for the baby and would be probably welcome your help and company. If my PILs had lived close to us when DC2 was small, I'd have been pushing a bored and hyper DC1 out the door to run off energy with them and DH as often as I could!

crumblingschools · 10/01/2025 11:15

@Lidlisthebusiness I am sorry about your parents’ health, but I assume it helps that they live closer to you, would be worse managing that if they lived further away. Make sure you have help though looking after your dad

TheoTurkey · 10/01/2025 11:20

Sorry I haven’t read everything, although quite a lot.

Do you have parents of your own to worry about?

I’m in a similar situation to you. My daughter has a baby. They live near us in a 1 bedroom flat (it’s very big) because that’s all they can afford, however for the same money they could rent a 2 or even 3 bedroom house near where my daughters boyfriends family live. His family are very social and close and there are lots of cousins for my grandson. I know life would be far better for them there

My daughter has suggested we move too. Not to the exact same place but within a few miles, obviously we could afford a nicer house there too. We’re not tied to this area at all BUT I have elderly parents. I can’t go anywhere. It’s really hard

Namechangedforgoodreasons · 10/01/2025 11:21

Are your DS and his family definitely going to stay in that area? My widowed MIL moved to be near us but a couple of years later my DH had to turn down a job offer that would have benefited his career as it would have involved moving to a much more expensive area. We could have afforded it but MIL couldn’t and we didn’t feel we could leave her alone in an area with no other family or close friends.

I appreciate that your situation is different though, especially as regards your own parents.

Namechangedforgoodreasons · 10/01/2025 11:28

Namechangedforgoodreasons · 10/01/2025 11:21

Are your DS and his family definitely going to stay in that area? My widowed MIL moved to be near us but a couple of years later my DH had to turn down a job offer that would have benefited his career as it would have involved moving to a much more expensive area. We could have afforded it but MIL couldn’t and we didn’t feel we could leave her alone in an area with no other family or close friends.

I appreciate that your situation is different though, especially as regards your own parents.

Edited

I meant to say, "other members of your family", not "parents".

Changed18 · 10/01/2025 11:29

My grandparents and my MIL did this (though MIL subsequently moved away). My advice would be not to live on the same road as them and to expect to maintain your own independent social life and interests.

If it works it can be great, particularly in terms of of building relationships/childcare - but my experience in both cases was that the older person became too isolated - you need friends and activities of your own, esp when your own children are at a very busy time of their lives.

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/01/2025 11:31

How close do you mean by the same area? That could mean anything from the same house estate to the same county.

SheilaFentiman · 10/01/2025 11:38

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/01/2025 11:31

How close do you mean by the same area? That could mean anything from the same house estate to the same county.

OP has said up to an hour away.

Original poster
Allatseas · 10/01/2025 12:12

Changed18 · 10/01/2025 11:29

My grandparents and my MIL did this (though MIL subsequently moved away). My advice would be not to live on the same road as them and to expect to maintain your own independent social life and interests.

If it works it can be great, particularly in terms of of building relationships/childcare - but my experience in both cases was that the older person became too isolated - you need friends and activities of your own, esp when your own children are at a very busy time of their lives.

God no. There’s no way we would want to be in the same road!

OP posts:
Original poster
Allatseas · 10/01/2025 12:14

TheoTurkey · 10/01/2025 11:20

Sorry I haven’t read everything, although quite a lot.

Do you have parents of your own to worry about?

I’m in a similar situation to you. My daughter has a baby. They live near us in a 1 bedroom flat (it’s very big) because that’s all they can afford, however for the same money they could rent a 2 or even 3 bedroom house near where my daughters boyfriends family live. His family are very social and close and there are lots of cousins for my grandson. I know life would be far better for them there

My daughter has suggested we move too. Not to the exact same place but within a few miles, obviously we could afford a nicer house there too. We’re not tied to this area at all BUT I have elderly parents. I can’t go anywhere. It’s really hard

I have an elderly mother where we are now but to be honest we have a very poor relationship. That’s partly why we moved where we are now. It hasn’t worked out. I’m not going to make life choices based on her now.

OP posts:
Harassedevictee · 10/01/2025 12:54

@Allatseas There are a lot of good suggestions by pp on thinking about the long term for you regarding healthcare and type of property etc.

An AirBnB for a week to get to know the area is a really good idea. What can be a 15 minute drive on a Sunday maybe a 45-60 minute drive in weekday rush hour.

It’s also a good idea to be close to one DC so you only have one long journey to visit your other DC.

I would suggest you reflect if an hour is the right distance. I would have thought 20-30 mins might be better. I do a one hour (two hour round trip) at least twice every week and it takes a toll after 5 years. A 20-30 minute journey makes popping over more feasible for everyone.

A 20-30 minute drive gives you the separation you will all benefit from whilst still being near enough to be on hand when invited.

You sound sensible and will respect DILs boundaries plus you will provide support to your DS. He can pop over to see you, with or without the DGC, and just have a coffee and chat without it taking a long planning.

coatandwellies · 10/01/2025 12:55

We did just this op and it's been the best thing for us all.

We're in our late 50's/early 60's and have our own business so can work anywhere and wanted to move house anyway so the timing for us was ideal. Before we made any definite plans, we spoke to DD and DSiL to reassure them that our intentions were to support them if needed and that we would most certainly be having our own lives and interests. DD was newly pregnant with DGD at this point. DSiL's parents lived close to them too.

Prior to this move, it was really tricky fitting in times where we could meet and like you, visiting meant overnight stays as the distance wasn't commutable in one day. All a bit stressful really.

A couple of years on and things are ticking along beautifully. We do regular childcare for our DGD and will hope to do the same when baby. No. 2 arrives. The other Grandparents do 2 day's childcare too and we all feel involved and supported. A respective children are so grateful for everything we do. They're here for us too btw! No competition here but I suspect things would have been different had we stayed in our old house - it's only natural that each set of parents want to keep a close bond with their offspring and subsequent grandchildren.

So my advice, if needed, would be to chat openly to them about your intentions and move sooner rather than later. Easier both physically and mentally for all involved. Good luck

AshCrapp · 10/01/2025 12:55

I moved to be closer to mine and DP's families when I had DC. Not because I need help, but because DC having a relationship with wider family was important to me. I would have been over the moon if they had moved to me instead!

So far it's been great. We have enough distance that things need to be arranged (everyone lives 15 mins drive away) and everyone has their own lives, but we see each other weekly and can easily show up when it matters - christmases, birthdays, hospital stays, feeding animals when on holiday, illness, and so on. It's also nice being able to just leave when you want to! I hated staying at my parents for a week, I was a nervous wreck by the end. We all get on much better now that we see each other regularly and for shorter periods of time.

Bellyblueboy · 10/01/2025 13:17

My parents did this. They are now finding it hard that the children are older and don’t need them.

however, luckily they have friends in the city they moved to and they have an active social life (better than our sleepy home town).

but had they moved just for the children, they would be really struggling now.