Moving to be closer to grandchildren

[Allatseas]

I am interested in experiences of people who have done this. We are considering moving to be closer to grandchildren at the other end of the country. We also have another adult child living some hours away, and it will be easier to see them both. They are buying a house in the area we are thinking of moving to. My son is very keen for us to move closer, DIL I think is worried her parents will feel pushed out!

We did this last year. Dh was in ICU during Covid and I had no family near. We decided to retire and make the most of life. We were lucky we were of an age and had the means to do so. We moved from London to Hampshire, closer to our eldest daughter and sil and granddaughter.
We have everything we need on our doorstep and we also look after dgd once a week.
They have been able to have time together as we can have dgd overnight so it has worked well for all concerned. We don’t live in others pockets, but we can mutually support each other.
Our other daughter has relocated here too from abroad. It’s working well for us all.

Big Red flag
If you don't have good relationship with DIL , then as pp says , this needs resolving

Just read your update

My son''s wishes are always considered secondary to hers, that's the way it has always been. Her family dominate.

With this in mind I think it could be a bad idea. You don’t like her or her family, I’m sure she feels that. If they are not on the same page either it’s concerning.
however I would say every mil I know thinks their DIL and her family are dominating, when surely not all of them are.

I’m a single parent and my Mum moved 2 doors down from me 11 years ago, and it’s been great. She was in her early 70s when she moved, and my kids were both at primary school. It’s worked out in several ways.

Firstly, she helped with child care. She was keen to do this, and it saved me a fortune. Even when the kids got old enough to be on their own after school, it was good to know that she was close by, in case they needed anything. It was great for the kids too, having a close relationship with their Gran.

I’ve always got on well with my Mum, but we are very different in some ways (she’s very messy, also she goes to bed at 9pm and gets up at 5am, we like very different foods etc), so when she came to stay it was quite stressful. Having her live nearby works for both of us, in that we can see each other often without having to share a space.

Also, my Mum doesn’t drive, and has had some health problems. Now that she’s near I can be there to help her, take her to appointments and so on. When she lived 2.5 hours away, and I was alone with young kids, I felt pretty helpless.

My experience is similar to another poster in that, my DC have busy lives (ages 13 and 15) and don’t really want to spend that much time with GP who live across the road. They have sports, clubs after schools and at the weekend. This works fine but it has taken some management on my part to make it work. We see each other for family occasions, meals out etc but not much more

My parents did this and was the best thing they could ever do. They built their own lives as well and the move was also financially beneficial to them. We didn't rely on them for 9 - 5 childcare - just after school and emergencies.
Now they are older and my children grown - we are looking after parents which is much easier to do when close by.
Other GP is 2ish hours away and we made sure to still see them regularly and keep them included and they would come and stay when able to. Or we'd stay up there. Or children would stay with them in school hols. My children have had great relationships with all GPs as a result.

@Spondoolie that is why it is important that OP has her own social life if they move.

Maybe dont be too close as you say you know other peoplefamily in the vicinity. Reassure both your son and dil that you are there you help them if they need it and you will not expect anything from them and will be building your own lives there.
But don't dither too long as kids grow up quickly and then things change.

I do like her and her family actually.

I wonder if there's a bit of "DIL does the social organising" so of course she favours her family in this.

Great idea .. as long as you think your family are definitely going to be in the same area for the foreseeable future. My cousin moved to be nearer to grandchildren and unfortunately the family had to move a 3 hour drive away due to job circumstances.

I think it would be hugely positive for you/them as long as you could also build your own lives and so not be too reliant on them - which sounds the case.

Does anyone have personal experiences they can relate?

One of my uncles did this he toyed with doing it for years. By the time they eventually moved house his grandsons were at secondary and weren’t really interested in spending any time or effort on them which they found hugely frustrating and annoying. They also struggled to make any proper friends independently in the new area which they also found hard. A couple of years down the line and my aunt took really ill and my cousin helped care for them both which she couldn’t have done easily had they not moved.

I also have work friends whose parents have moved up and they love it and it works well for all but I don’t know of any IL’s.

You sound lovely OP and if you make an effort with other family and develop other interests and friends so DIL doesn’t feel its overwhelming it could work well for all of you.

Reviving this thread! I would love to hear from anyone who has been in this position. Or their parents have moved to be closer.

I have lived between 15 minutes and 1 hour 40 from my parents. Currently it’s about an hour. For the last 4 years I have done the 2 hour round trip twice a week - it gets draining. My sibling lives locally and it is much easier for them to do short visits but more falls on them and the resentment is obvious.

Another consideration is what happens if I can’t drive.

You have two DC and a Mum to factor in. From my parents experience living near to one DC and travelling to the other (or vice versa) makes sense.

I may be jumping to conclusions but your DS is doing at least 50% of the childcare and your DIL is struggling. If your DIL has mental health issues, to be frank these are likely to continue. Being a 15 to 30 minute drive away from your DS means you are near enough to pop over for shortish periods to help out.

However, you do need to set boundaries from the start as you have your own lives.

If you like the area where DS lives and can see you building a life there then consider it. I know this sounds negative but think about the life events that can happen as you age. What sort of property and lifestyle do you want now and for the next 10+ years? What sort of property and lifestyle style would you want in your 70s/80s or if you are (sorry) sadly widowed or disabled/less able due to aging process? Think about public transport if you can’t drive etc.

WRT your Mum, think about her long term future if she needs care this can be bought in. If she needed a nursing home you could move her near you, if that is what you want. Don’t let her limit what you want from life.

No one can make this decision for you. If you are able, why not rent/airBnB etc. somewhere in the area you are thinking about moving to and try living there for 4-6 weeks.

I think this could end really badly and permanently fracture family relationships if everyone (including DIL) isn’t on board with the idea. If you sense that DIL is not on board, I feel that is best respected. If she sees you support and respect how she feels about this, I believe you are more likely to be a part of their lives in a meaningful way than being closed and shut out for having caused resentment and upset. I speak from experience.

What happened in your case if you don’t mind me asking? I have asked DIL what she thinks and her main concern is that she doesn’t want us to move just for them and then not be happy/like the area. It’s a pain for them to visit us and very expensive so us being closer would make things much easier for them.

I’m a DIL. In my case my MIL said that she’d decided that she would be moving to our locality. But she said that it wouldn’t change anything. Unfortunately, as things have transpired, it’s become quite clear that she did have unsaid expectations in moving nearby but felt uncomfortable to say what those were as she knew we would not be agreeable had she been up front and honest about what she expected of the move. My MIL chose to be near myself and DH as I do not have family but her other children’s partners are all living near large families and she felt there wouldn’t be a space for her in that. Whereas with me and DH, she could more easily have her needs met for now and future without having to compete with her child’s partners family.

I wanted an honest and respectful relationship with my MIL. Instead, I’ve felt like she essentially has wanted to gain support from me for her needs both now and for the future. I think that had she been more open to speaking honestly with me, showing that she wanted to support me and also respect my needs, then I would have felt a lot more open to bringing her into my life and my child’s life too. Instead, the disregard of what I wanted in favour for what worked best for her has caused a permanent rupture in the relationship. I’m not the only family member who has come across issues with her sadly. A lot of other family members have resorted to keeping their distance.

My advice would be to stay honest, open and understanding of your DIL’s needs as well as your own. A positive relationship with her is more important than location. Other peoples boundaries are fragile. Once they are crossed it’s so hard to come back on. Having an honest conversation to say how you see yourself fitting into their lives and checking that they also want that. Having the difficult conversation to check whether they want you nearby. And if they don’t, being able to accept their wishes and not go ahead with a life decision which could potentially be damaging to your relationship with your child and their partner. Parents moving near their adult children can easily be perceived as undermining their adult child’s life choices which can lead to alienating your relationship with your child and DIL. Also can be damaging to any relationship with grandchildren down the line if their mother holds resentment and upset for decisions that you have made that she perceives to affect her life.

I’d also just ask - when you say that it would be better for them for you to be close due to long travel times - is this something that you know for sure? Or are you assuming that is the case without asking?

I think choosing and area near your sister and friends that happens to be much closer to your son is perfectly reasonable and not something that your DIL gets to have ANY opinion on.

Your son can visit with the children.
I would go very softly softly.
Young children are exhibition.
I wouldn't mention regular childcare or anything like it.
Back up when they are stuck would be the language I would use.
Focus on settling and making a life for yourself first.
Don't ask questions when you are not sure you will like the answer of.
You are moving possibly within one hour of them.
It really is none of her business.
I would talk about how nice it will be to be near your sister and friends etc.

I get @Spapple182 point but OP is not moving 5-10 minutes away. An hour is a real distance, not drop in territory at all.

OP, if you are very respectful of your DIL it should be fine.
Your son can visit with the children and DIL will get a break.
Leave it with your son to navigate visits.
Honest, childcare is exhausting and over rated.
Visiting for a hour or son can often be enough.

I would read all threads about in laws and parents. Most young mothers seem to hate them. Most would much rather have their children in nursery. I wouldn't do it. Look for affordable accommodation to spend holidays in the area for maybe a year. See how it goes from there. Also, look at threads about elderly parents. They too are much hated. I'm sure you would be a lot of help but it really doesn't seem that DIL is interested. Remember too that you won't be needed much in a few years time anyway once the GC get older.

This is the issue that I think causes a lot of problems between MIL’s and DIL’s - saying that moving is something that DIL doesn’t get to have an opinion on. Whilst in principle that is true, the reality is that family moving an hour away does impact family life and significantly change dynamics in the family. It’s therefore some of her business as it has the potential to affect her. The thing that has caused most resentment and issues for myself and DH is that PIL have 3 children but specifically chose to move near us. Both DH and myself felt this was unfair, as they could have chosen somewhere between all their children and divided their time between all GC. Also when they then needed support in future it could be divided between all their children instead of one (and inevitably his partner too).

I think it’s all dependant on your family dynamics. We live really close to my parents and in laws, they provide childcare for us 3 days a week. We can ask them to mind LO for an hour while we go the shops or they’ll call in for a cuppa on their way home etc. But we like that set up and we like being close to family, but not everyone would.
Personally I couldn’t imagine not being close to family and my LO not being close to his grandparents and his cousins.

I really get what you are saying but if you were to move within one hour of parents, would you really believe they have a right to an opinion about it?
I certainly wouldn't.

Now being their only support is something for their child to navigate.

I have several friends that have strictly not been in any way involved.
They had helped their own parents on their own and juggled children and it was made perfectly clear to their husbands that they would do the same or they would have huge problems.
It was their husbands golf time that took the hit, and their socialising, not family time.

But in a case where they bought the house right next door and said it was a surprise after the event, it caused ructions.
It nearly took divorce for it to be resolved

I hope the OP gets from this thread to tread very carefully and think about who she will be calling on for support.
It cannot only be her son as that will cause issues.

Perhaps teasing these things out before telling her son and wife is the way to go.

I still think one hour away is substantial.
OP should also look at nursing homes in the locality of her move.
Thinking ahead is the wise thing to do.

It is perfectly reasonable for OPs son to want to see his parents regularly if his wife sees hers.

Her worries about her parents feeling pushed out if her husband and children see his side is for her to navigate.

It strikes me as a tad controlling for her to think she has a say in him seeing his family if she sees hers very regularly.

Mn can sometimes be a bit strange about families. I'd absolutely have loved this if it were my inlaws, having family close by when you have children is lovely and the support when it's available can be great. I think you should go for it.