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Original poster

Do your parents know your salary?

107 replies

nosyposy · 09/01/2025 17:55

Name changed as could be outing.

Me and DM almost had an argument today over her wanting to know my salary.

I have been offered a new job and my mother asked me how much the salary was. I said to her I wouldn't ever dream of asking how much she or my father earns. She was very persistent and very offended when I wouldn't tell her.

She then went on to say she knew roughly how much DH earned as he works for the NHS and he must be in a particular band and she had looked.

It made me feel really uncomfortable.

She is now not really talking to me because I refused to tell her. Is it really typical to discuss so openly?

OP posts:
tilligan · 09/01/2025 17:57

Ignore her, none of her business and if you DID say she'd probably tell everyone!

LittleBearPad · 09/01/2025 17:58

No they don't. They could work it out as I was moaning about my tax rate

poemsandwine · 09/01/2025 17:59

No. No one's business.

ClearHoldBuild · 09/01/2025 17:59

Never asked, never shared. I don’t think my DH even knows what I earn.

AutumnNymph · 09/01/2025 18:00

Yes they do. I often ask them for both career and finance advise. They are successful people I admire so why wouldn't I take advantage of their experience and expertise?

Pigsinblankets13 · 09/01/2025 18:00

What a weirdo

JimHalpertsWife · 09/01/2025 18:01

Unless you live with her in her home and say you are too skint to pay towards the bills, then she has no right to ask.

DreamW3aver · 09/01/2025 18:02

There's no right or wrong answer, some people are happy to share, others aren't.

Not something to fall out about unless one of you is behaving like a child (not you)

PiastriThePastry · 09/01/2025 18:02

No, I don’t think she could even hazard a ballpark guess either. I’m self employed so admittedly it’s variable to a degree but even so. I find your mums attitude very strange and rude!

sunshineandshowers40 · 09/01/2025 18:02

No, I have not shared this information with my parents but they would love to know!

Tisthedamnseason · 09/01/2025 18:03

No but my mum sounds like your mum. Desperate to know, but wouldn't dream of ever sharing her salary, and particularly hypocritically would absolutely not under any circumstances have told her mother what she earned.

She’s particularly frustrated with me because my job (accountant) can have a very wide range of salaries so she really has no idea. As opposed to my sister, a teacher, where she can find out rough ballpark.

loropianalover · 09/01/2025 18:04

There’s no right or wrong answer, it’s just personal preference. Mine know as I’m public sector so all the bands are out there 🤣 but even if I wasn’t they’d know as they help me a lot with financials/savings matters.

Why do you think she wants to know? Is it worry - cost of living, difficulty to get mortgage? Or will she come looking for money if she thinks you’re making a lot?

Lengokengo · 09/01/2025 18:04

Did they ever tell you their own salary at the time that they were earning?

if not, just say ‘I am following your lead and being discreet about money matters.’ And repeat.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 09/01/2025 18:05

Her reaction is wholly inappropriate and proves that you were right not to give to her. There are no good reasons why she wants to know.

My mother likes to know other people's business in this way and it's so she can pass judgment. She can judge a salary as inadequate, or unjustifiably high. She also feels justified in judging other people's spending when she knows their salary. "They shouldn't buy that, they can't afford it". "I don't know why they don't just pay someone else to do it. They can afford it" etc etc.

It's a deeply controlling thing to ask. Adults don't ask other adults that and it shows she still feels entitled to infantilise you. She's not treating you with the respect she would give to another adult.

GildedRage · 09/01/2025 18:05

depends on age and stage in life, when my young adults were first starting out (under 30) they fully shared their income willingly and tax mitigation strategies were discussed regularly as well as pension planning. when job hunting the financial packages were compared (company truck, tool allowance, extra medical coverage etc.)
even as they approached 35 during covid, income and tax openly discussed due to government and job changes.
when my daughter was 25 she got in trouble with self declared income/tax and we had to help her out.
totally family dependent.

Totaleclipseofthemind · 09/01/2025 18:05

Roughly yes. But I am not precious about it. Out of curiosity have you had financial help from them as an adult?

SizzlingPrickle · 09/01/2025 18:07

Yeah my parents know a rough figure for mine. I’d tell most people if they asked me though, I’m not too fussed.

TorroFerney · 09/01/2025 18:07

No she’s not interested. But then husband and I pay for every meal we take her for and she never even brings her purse so she does think we are loaded.

Scottishskifun · 09/01/2025 18:07

My mum knows roughly what I earn but not the exact amount.
But I only gave her this info as she kept trying to give me money then getting upset when I refused it as my salary is greater then hers and I don't need the money and kept trying to get her to spend it on herself!

Octavia64 · 09/01/2025 18:08

In the U.K. this is generally considered private information.

I'm a teacher so anyone could work out my ballpark salary.

StillAtTheRestaurant · 09/01/2025 18:08

I don't even know my exact salary so couldn't tell my parents even if I wanted to!

GiddyFawn · 09/01/2025 18:08

Yes, but because I’m a teacher and the pay scales are published and the rest of my family are also teachers as was my dad.

Ineffable23 · 09/01/2025 18:11

SizzlingPrickle · 09/01/2025 18:07

Yeah my parents know a rough figure for mine. I’d tell most people if they asked me though, I’m not too fussed.

Indeed, same here. I think secrecy over salaries generally only benefits companies/organisations because it limits negotiating power.

Overthemoun · 09/01/2025 18:11

Roughly, discussed when job hunting so similar circumstances. They wouldn’t be grumpy if I was private about it though.

amiold · 09/01/2025 18:13

Yeah I don't care that they know. They wouldn't care if they didn't know.

Personally don't know why people are so precious about it and why people believe it's so personal unless they feel embarrassed or wish to make out they're badly off when not or don't want people to expect they pay more than their share/people start to depend on them financially.

Just tell her you're not telling her and she can sulk all she wants 🤷‍♀️