Grief of being a parent

[the7Vabo]

I appreciate many will find this OTT.

I have two kids - DS (6) and DD (4).

How do people deal with kids growing up and changing. I see it as a type of grief as I feel sad that I’ll never meet my baby, toddler, 4 year old etc again. I daydream about having my kids back for one day at different ages. I feel like that little person is gone.

Im sad that I can’t really remember our lives when we had a baby & a toddler.

Im not a particularly patient or present parent. I found parts of the Christmas holidays tough. And in a lot of ways I’m looking forward to a time where I can read a book in peace, the house won’t be trashed etc. But I also feel like their childhoods are going too fast, slipping through my fingers.

I appreciate I’m lucky to have two healthy kids, and I know many aren’t so lucky. I don’t want to be ungrateful for it.

Has anyone experienced similar and found anything helpful.

It must be nice to have the luxury of time to navel gaze to this extent. The joy of parenting is seeing them grow and change and flourish.

I know people feel like this but I never have. My sister died young and then my cousin was only 16. I’m grateful they’re getting to grow up and loving seeing the people they are becoming. I love the teen stage so much. We have so much fun hanging together. It’s so different but I’ve just loved every stage. Embrace the present would be my advice or you’ll spend so long looking back you’ll miss the fun of now.

My question was if anybody has any helpful advice.
As as said in my post I appreciate many will find this OTT and that’s fine but what I’m looking for is helpful advice.

Yes, enjoy your children for who they are now. Children become more enjoyable as they grow and I agree with a PP the teen years are the best years.

I know what you mean OP- We are very privileged to see them grow up, and some people never have that honour. But there is a certain sadness in knowing that every stage, once passed, is gone forever.

I completely get what you mean, especially when you said you don't really remember your lives when you had a baby and toddler. My 2nd is 18mo now and we were just saying how we can't remember the routine we did for her brother (now 5) at the same age even though it wasn't that long ago!

My only suggestion is photos and videos of everything. Even everyday conversations, perhaps the walk home from school or having breakfast in the morning. We're all so good a documenting the important things (birthdays, school plays etc), but sometimes its the little nuances of everyday life that we miss most.

Maybe having some time to watch back on old photos and videos will help you to remember those early years fondly and recognise the beauty in your lovely children growing old, without the feelings of sadness and grief.

I'm with you. I had a little moment as I put the Christmas decorations away thinking I'll never see them this small again.

Im so sorry about your sister and cousin.

Yes, I have told myself that re embracing the present.

I think part of it is that I went through a stressful period when my kids were young so I feel that I missed some of it. But I have to make peace with that as it’s gone.

Its great to hear you love have teenagers. There’s a lot of noise around the negatives of having teenagers.

Aw OP I totally get it. I love my kids but miss their different stages so much. No advice just hang onto them, take lots of photos, write down the funny things they say and enjoy the cuddles before they start yelling “don’t touch me!” if you dare to try and pat them on the shoulder. 😭😭😭

You need to give yourself a shake and accept this is a normal part of life. It’s OK to be nostalgic and look back at baby photos, but at 6 and 4 your kids are still little anyway 😅

My eldest is now a teenager and I enjoy her now more than I ever did when she was small. Each age and stage has its own joys and challenges, and no good comes from worrying about time slipping through your fingers - it’s going to happen anyway.

I don't see that as the grief of parenthood, it's the aim. We're supposed to take them from newborns to independence, and it's their journey, not ours.

I do look back over photos and videos of that age and sometimes feel I didn't appreciate them enough or enjoy them enough at that stage but I was also a working mum of 3 kids so trying to get through the day. That is the only sadness I sometimes feel and it is similar to the sadness I sometimes feel when I look back at pictures from my childhood with my parents and siblings wishing I could go back and visit that time again.

I do know what you mean (I have a 5 year old) but I have found that parenting gets better and better as he's got older. Each age, I enjoy a bit more and I love watching DS grow up. Of course, I'd like time to go a bit slower but my main emotion is excitement about seeing how he continues to develop. I also daydream about the wonderful holidays DH and I will go on once he's left home and how I'll convert his bedroom into my walk in wardrobe.

Can you switch your thinking so you're more present in the here or now? I sometimes get pangs of missing mine being babies, but usually I just concentrate on how they will never be this small again.

It really helps me to be present in the moment and also makes it easier to be able to look back on loads of lovely memories of pretty mundane things like bath times or playing with a specific toy (If my mind's elsewhere at the time I can't really remember things as easily).

I feel exactly the same @the7Vabo . I never thought I’d get to have a child and now the time is going so quickly.

As others have said I just try to enjoy all of it. But I miss the person they were at each stage.

Love the idea re the videos of the everyday things. As you said have videos of birthdays etc but it’s the everyday id like to remember.

I think it’s not just the kids, it’s realising how quickly time passes and trying to do something with it admist trying to work and the day to day of raising kids.

I do a few things so that I can remember each stage -
I take lots of photos and videos of our everyday life. Video conversations between me and the kids etc. I have it set up in one drive 'On this day' so every day I get an email with a link where I can watch previous years videos and photos. My kids are teens now but it only takes about 2 minutes in the evening to look back on videos when they were tiny but I really love it.

I do photo book annuals (when I have the time) and I make sure it's not just holidays and birthdays but all the normal everyday stuff we take for granted because we're busy and frazzled.

I have a list on my notes on my phone of everything funny they say. It has been going 13 years now - just one list with it all in one place. Just really sweet stuff but also funny stuff.

Traditions are important - start your own traditions with them, when they're tiny and then they'll carry them through with them when they grow. We have a silly pair of birthday glasses that you have to wear when you open your presents. The kids have been putting on these glasses for 15 years now!

I also try and write a few lines in my 5 year diary. There are pages and pages when it's empty but when I have managed it, it's really nice to look back on and it's an easy way of being in the present but looking back on the past.

I do get it, but as I have kids from 10 to nearly 30, I have experienced each distinct phase and know, for me, that when they are older my relationship with them is just a joy (on the whole), when they become full, autonomous, opinionated and sometimes wild people, when my needs and opinions and parenting job is no longer as relevant. It’s important, but not day to day relevant. I think the trick is to see each phase as an important step to that autonomy and enjoy it for what it is
I dare say though that I am a different kind of mum to you in that, although I love and enjoyed time with my kids, I always considered my role as keeping them alive, healthy and happy to wave them goodbye one day. The day to day of mothering for me is hard and I don’t like it.

Honestly trying to raise kids whilst working, and keeping a household, paying bills, making sure the car is sorted or whatever else there doesn't feel like there are enough hours in the day to enjoy any of it let alone try to make it all feel meaningful, totally agree!
It sounds silly but have you ever seen the film About Time? In it the males of a family have the ability to back in time to relive or redo parts of their own lives, making changes along the way to try and make their life better. Its a good watch, and at the end the protagonist says he thought the secret to enjoy life was living a day and then going back to live it a second time and in the second time around you can see the beauty in bits that you missed because you were so busy rushing. But actually, he then says the secret is to live your days as if they already are the second time around, and just see the beauty within the rush and madness and chaos.
I've probably not explained it very well, but I quite like that idea of looking for the beauty of everyday life even while living it. I'm not always good at it, but maybe that's what we need to feel like life (and the kids) isn't just passing us by, but we're fully part of it.

You say you’re not particularly patient or present, so you need to change that. Sitting moping about what you’ve “lost” rather than engaging with who they are now isn’t fair on your children.

Thank you!!

These are fantastic!

I have a diary but haven’t it’s full of blanks but I must video more stuff!

Stupidly I always get annoyed about the state of the house in the background of videos!

I do understand what you mean and have felt the same to some extent. I try and reframe it in my mind as nostalgia rather than grief. I look back and wish I could revisit them being babies, but like a PP said I also look back at photos from my own childhood, when my parents were younger rather than elderly and feel nostalgic for that too.

I have the same age gap between mine and they're just a touch older. They are 7 and 5. I experienced a lot of sadness about DD2's baby stage because it was lockdown, her first birthday was during lockdown etc and I felt I missed out a bit on special time with her because life was so stressful.

But I did eventually come to realise that thinking that way isn't helpful. All you can do is be present in the moment. I adore the stage they are now and life is definitely much easier, so I wouldn't choose to go back. As they get older and more independent I hope I'll feel the same way. I at least look forward to DH and I having more time together as the children grow up.

On a practical note, I have kept a diary for each DD since they were born and have written in it each year on their birthday. Just updating them on things that happened that year, funny things they said, what they are like etc. I am hoping to keep doing it until they are 18 and I love looking back on what I've written each year.

The two aren’t linked.

When I’m with my children I’m not sitting thinking oh I miss you as a baby. I’m just tired & stressed.

No I've never felt like this when my children were young. If you feel like this now I hate to think what will happen when they become adults and live their independent lives, when it really is hard! I have lots of photo albums which help me relive their childhood and now DD2 is doing the same with her DS.
Kindly, I would suggest you have some counselling to put your feelings into perspective as well as take up some of the suggestions made by pp.

Mindfulness might help. Thinking of the children at different stages and experiencing in a very visceral way how you felt holding or watching them. Then just experiencing your sensations as bodily feelings. In that way these feelings can become more comfortably part of your life, not something to worry about. If you’re interested there is lots of online information about mindfulness.