Grief of being a parent

[the7Vabo]

I appreciate many will find this OTT.

I have two kids - DS (6) and DD (4).

How do people deal with kids growing up and changing. I see it as a type of grief as I feel sad that I’ll never meet my baby, toddler, 4 year old etc again. I daydream about having my kids back for one day at different ages. I feel like that little person is gone.

Im sad that I can’t really remember our lives when we had a baby & a toddler.

Im not a particularly patient or present parent. I found parts of the Christmas holidays tough. And in a lot of ways I’m looking forward to a time where I can read a book in peace, the house won’t be trashed etc. But I also feel like their childhoods are going too fast, slipping through my fingers.

I appreciate I’m lucky to have two healthy kids, and I know many aren’t so lucky. I don’t want to be ungrateful for it.

Has anyone experienced similar and found anything helpful.

My sons are 27 and 36. I like them far much more now they’re adults living their own lives. Much better than the younger years x

You weren't / aren't a present parent - it seems strange how you miss the baby years then. Guilt?

I have dgc now and absolutely love spending time with them.

However my very happiest memories are of sitting in the garden on a summers day, with dm or friends, and my young dc splashing in a paddling pool and generally having fun.
Me and dm drinking tea and chatting.

If I could pick a day to return to it would be this.

That's every stage of life though. That is, in fact, the only certainty of life. That time will pass, and nothing is forever. Kids grow, we grow, everything grows, and everything ends.

The only thing to do is live in the moment, literally the only thing, or it will send us mad.

On the video of every day moments idea, someone I know takes a little mini video (10 secs or so) every day and they form a kind of montage of the year. I'm not keen on videoing myself really but sometimes wish I'd done this as they are lovely, and show the normal nice moments of everydaylife liije many football matches and a rainbow, not too insta.

Op, I completely understand what you mean. It is like they just suddenly seem to change, and you look back and it is different versions of them at each stage, even though it is the same person.
You just love your dcs so much, and love them at every stage. It may feel like you haven't appreciated them enough at those stages! I wish I could go back and enjoy them more, because I wasn't well, and I was just so tired when they were smaller, and my memories esp of dc2, are pretty none existent which hurts. I already feel like I didn't do enough Christmas activities with them. We had plans for baking, and more crafts, but I had such a nasty virus.
They are only 5, and 7 (so similar ages to yours), and I am just trying to breath it all in. I was looking at dc1 sleep last night, he was all curled up, and honestly reminded me so much of when he was a baby. Those stages I talked about earlier, are still there within the person they are.

You have to think though, that one day the present will be the past, and you'll miss right now.

I had a bereavement, then a health scare recently and honestly, it scared the living daylights out of me. It came back benign, thank god. I am so grateful to be healthy and have the honour of seeing my dcs grow up ('if' I am one of the lucky ones). Life is a privilege and not a given right, like the Nickleback song goes. Enjoy your dcs now, hold them close, and enjoy what you have. 💐

Our DC are 26 and 30. Their 2, 3, 4, 5, year old selves are still very much there. One Alpha, one Beta, one impatient, one laid back. One sporty, one musical, one more sensitive than the other. Their blue eyes turned green.

As they get older, they are ready to spread their wings and naturally outgrow primary, secondary, 6th form, uni, etc.

@the7Vabo one of mine didn't grow up - he stayed forever at 27 weeks. Every single day I wonder how he'd have grown. In my heart he would have been my darker haired child, slighter and more sensitive than DS1, a little quieter and the peace maker. Please be thankful for every stage - you are very lucky to be able to look forward.

I think to a certain degree this is normal, the early years are hard, especially if you are dealing with other problems, and you do look back and think how did we get here!
It's usual to be so busy fire fighting, going from one thing to the next and be totally exhausted by it all you don't really appreciate it at the time.
But your kids are still little so start trying to slow down and appreciate the here and now, I like pp idea of recording every day moments - although this may also cure you of nostalgia!!
It's true it's a parents job to help your DC towards adulthood and independence, it is their life but it can be hard when you look back and realise you are no longer the centre of their world but you've got a while before you get to that stage!
Do try and keep up with your own interests and hobbies and keep in contact with your own friends and have date nights with DH.

Oh I hadn't thought of it til I read your post!!! Now I feel maudlin! I swear the world has never seen baby cheeks as huge as my kids. They were edible

It's not navel gazing. It's a valid feeling. Stop being so horrible ,if that's even possible, for you

Mine still get stockings too. But of course they go to sleep after me so I have to sneak them in when they’re not looking, which is actually quite easy as they’re usually gazing at their phones or Xbox!

Are you always so condescending and unempathetic?

Mines not even a year old and I regularly have a little cry at how quickly it's going. I adore how much personality he's got now but I do miss my little snuggly baby sometimes.

All I can suggest is that you focus on the present. Try to enjoy everyday with them.

Yes, I feel exactly the same. I love watching them grow but also feel so sad about it. And to those PPs saying just to stop feeling that way - it's not that easy to just decide to change your mindset and personality is it?!

I was thinking the exact same thing yesterday. So much on social media about appreciating them while they’re little etc because you’ll never get that time back and it honestly makes me worry about how sad I will be when they’re older. I am already dreading the teenage years and feel like I’ll be looking back wistfully at having young kids.

I get what you're talking about- although it didn't kick in for me until recently- my kids are 19 and 16. When they were still little I seemed to spend a lot of time wishing the time away until they were more independent. And now they are and I feel wistful for when they were little. Had a little cry the other day when I came across a pic of DS in reception. It is sad that the time passes and you'll never get to see them again as a baby/toddler etc. If I think about it too much it makes me incredibly sad so I just try not to dwell on it and instead enjoy them as they are now as presumably one day I'll look back and miss them at the age they are now.

The passing of time in general is a sad thing isn't it? It means we're all a bit closer to death, day by day! That's why we have to try and be in the moment as much as possible but it's not easy to do. Life's stresses get in the way.

But I am mindful that I am very lucky to have two healthy living children who are almost adults. I know too many people who have lost babies and young children, and my 'grief' at missing my babies/toddlers is nothing compared to the actual grief of losing a child.

I think grief might be the wrong word for the feeling... that bittersweet longing for something past and the anticipation for their (and your) future... this is life in all it's messy, happysad chaos.
I feel so grateful to have this feeling, however much it may hurt, because I am acutely aware of how much friends, who have lost their children, would love to feel this instead of the all encompassing grief that they live with.
As trite as it may sound, I think enjoying looking at the past (even if it means having a little cry)...then giving yourself a gentle kick up the arse to be present in the now and planning for the future... is the only way to handle it.

I get it OP. I don’t have any advice as such but I really do understand how you feel.

My only child has just lost their front baby teeth and it just feels very symbolic of how the ‘little’ stage is over.
They are growing up into a fantastic little person and I do look forward to the future.
It is just hard to let go of the baby, toddler and infant stages knowing that is over now.

I said to my mum how fast I felt DS’ childhood has gone. She said very kindly, be glad you had it rather than sad it passed. That actually really helped. If thoughts about it are really affecting you maybe something else at play and good to talk to someone.

I don't think there's anything wrong with how you feel.

I can say when I lost one of mine, I wish with all my being that I'd taken more videos. Photos just don't do it.

Also don't always be the person behind the camera. They will want to look at the past themselves. They won't care about whatever insecurities you have about being in front of it.

I understand OP. My DS1 would say the funniest things, often due to misunderstanding. He also would observe really funny things about people. Even now when the younger kids are watching YouTube clips of funny kids I think I will never find anyone as funny as DS1. Someone told me when he was little to get a notebook a write it all down but of course I was too busy and tired and regret it now.

One thing I did is laminate their art and use it to make wallpaper in a playroom. Laminators are cheap enough and it made me feel better about throwing out stuff, I'd keep one of each phase or style.

and I agree with a PP the teen years are the best years.

Hard disagree here. I found the teen years extremely difficult.

DD was a lovely teen, but she was horribly bullied at school. The friendship issues that ensued caused many sleepless nights for both of us.

She was glad to leave school and start over again at university where she met much nicer people.

I feel like this sometimes too op. I think it’s partly because we have only one child and so when the age passes there isn’t another opportunity to see it with a second or third child. I agree about the videos.
My mum has been taking short videos of me with DS since he was born. I never really understood why and often didn’t know she was filming. When I’m finding parenting hard she sends them to me. It’s a bit magic to watch yourself with your child through someone else’s viewpoint. I love the videos of the tiny baby asleep on me and us ‘stamping’ out in the garden. It helps me to see that in amongst all the tired stressed stuff there is fun and love.