Grief of being a parent

[the7Vabo]

I appreciate many will find this OTT.

I have two kids - DS (6) and DD (4).

How do people deal with kids growing up and changing. I see it as a type of grief as I feel sad that I’ll never meet my baby, toddler, 4 year old etc again. I daydream about having my kids back for one day at different ages. I feel like that little person is gone.

Im sad that I can’t really remember our lives when we had a baby & a toddler.

Im not a particularly patient or present parent. I found parts of the Christmas holidays tough. And in a lot of ways I’m looking forward to a time where I can read a book in peace, the house won’t be trashed etc. But I also feel like their childhoods are going too fast, slipping through my fingers.

I appreciate I’m lucky to have two healthy kids, and I know many aren’t so lucky. I don’t want to be ungrateful for it.

Has anyone experienced similar and found anything helpful.

My advice is to treasure every second with them while they are young. Take as many kisses, hugs and handholds as you can get. Enjoy having a cuddle while reading a story, suck up every minute of enjoying Christmas and holidays, as the real heart break comes when they are adults and fly the nest.

Ignore the silly responses op, I think a lot of parents have similar feelings to you. I’m (fairly) sure I’m not having any more children and am so aware that this is the last time I’ll have a little baby to look after, and it does make me really emotional!

I do understand
I was very very stressed when my second was born and was wishing his life away so he could be at school and no longer unrelenting financial stress of nursery fess
I would give anything to go back and hold him as a baby again
i held him on the eve of his 5 th birthday and thank god we had both gotten to this point and tried to commit to memory his little hands and nose ,
someone once said the hardest part of parenting is not letting on to your kids how hard you find it , over Christmas I just wanted to read a book in peace and allowed long periods on their screens … my new year resolution is to quality time everyday

I always thought "thank god that was over" getting past the early years. I don't know why people are so nostalgic for it, perhaps as they were younger themselves? And there are lots of lovely photos and videos to look back on these days.

I think this is actually quite unfair to be honest, though I do understand why you're saying it.

Op I found this as well, when ds was a newborn I found the idea of him growing up really bittersweet - I obviously wanted him to grow and learn and develop but I also knew I'd miss that stage of life as well.

I think when you're parenting, each stage is totally different and some stages are more enjoyable than others and there will naturally be parts of each stage that you will miss as your child grows and moves on to the next stage. I loved ds being a newborn, I struggled a little more when he was an older baby and now really am enjoying the toddler stage again all for different reasons. Time can feel

I look back over old photos and videos, try to remember the little details, try to focus on the things about the current stage that I'm really enjoying and focus on milestones and things I want to help ds develop or learn, and plan activities and fun things to do with him that he couldn't have done before. I also have an email account for him where I send him little emails with notes or memories or photos of things I think are important or notable or just if we've had a nice day and I want to tell future him about it.

I also try not to get too caught up in thinking about the future and just try to focus on enjoying him and following his lead and letting him set the pace for life. Setting traditions is really nice as well.

I loved each stage and tried to be as present as I could. But now mine are adults I have the odd longing. It was snowing yesterday and I thought how lovely it would be for them to be little and making snowmen.

But most of the time I'm just grateful for that time and enjoying being with them now.

I think also op it's important to have a bit of grace for yourself in the midst of it. Yes, time moves quickly but you can only do what you can do and you need to parent in a sustainable way - you can't always be fun/patient/ present the way you want to be because you're a human and none of us have the capacity to be all of those things 100% of the time. So I think sometimes it's also about accepting that there are days or periods in life where you survive and that's good enough and let go of any guilt around that so you can appreciate the little wins and nice moments instead of having bigger expectations of yourself and what your days with your kids should be like?

I know exactly what you mean and it hurts every time I give away the youngest's outgrown clothes. But I know it's much easier the older they get and I'm looking forward to sleeping again. I miss their former selves so much though. To bring myself back in the present moment I tell myself I will look back at these current ages and miss it too. That helps me to focus on them now at 4.5 and 2. As when they're 8 and 6, I'll be thinking back to when they were 4 and 2😅

I know what you mean OP.

Mine are 19 and 15, and I find Christmas always makes me reflect. Whilst I love the fact that I can now wrap presents without military subterfuge, and not be woken at 5am on Christmas Day, I can’t help being misty-eyed about those magical days when they believed in Father Christmas and all that. In fact, even my 15 year old commented that he didn’t feel as Christmassy this year, and acknowledged that it was because he’s older now, and some of the magic has faded.

I just try not to look back too much. You really have to just keep looking forward when you have kids, it’s the only way.

My little boy was a gorgeous baby / toddler, but he’s just becoming an exquisite small boy now… In my opinion! I’m just taking every stage as it comes. His behaviour is challenging at times, but he’s a stunning little person, really!

It’s not because you haven’t experienced that feeling that it doesn’t exist or that’s it’s wrong to feel like that.
A bit of empathy helps.

There’s so much negativity around teens. In my experience most are amazing - dc and their friends. We hosted the after prom sleep over/party with a little alcohol and I went to work the next day (dh wfh), dh messaged at 4pm to say they’d all just left but not before cleaning and doing the recycling 😂

I totally get what you mean. For me there's a loss of control element too it as well. I worry about a future where I can't protect them

I’ve felt like that but much later on, when dcs left to Uni.

What I then realised is that, a bit like you, I dint have as strong memories as I thought I had. Those times, you think you’ll never forget or will always be, just disappear with time.

I wish I had taken more videos and photos - even though the balance between that and simply being there and enjoying that time has often been hard to find.

I also wish I had made more effort to be there. Really being in the present moment and enjoying the times with them rather than thinking about all the ‘important things’ that needed to be done. Like the food shop, tidying up etc….

My advice now would be:
Dint grieve for what won’t be again
Dont wish time to go fast, furvtye next mile stones.
But enjoy the present fully.

(And don’t worry about your weight and whatever. You won’t see that in 10 or 15 years time when you’ll look at the photos again)

Fully agree there.
My teens were great!! And imo much easier than the baby/toddler stage.

Mine are 13 and 14 now, but I've always felt this way. My heart used to physically ache at the thought of them growing up. It has begun to ease, because they really do turn into wonderful people, and each stage (so far) has been just as enjoyable. I'm sure I have a few rough years due any time now, but they really are my best pals. They develop wonderful personalities and senses of humour, and you start to enjoy doing different things with them. 14yo DD loves a trip to a bookshop and lunch with her old mum. My DS13 still begs me to play the computer with him and tells me terrible jokes, he loves coming on a dog walk with me and still has to bring home the biggest stick he can find.

Is this part of you not being very present, OP? Struggling with the thought of a future where you can't remember how they are now or how they were could be part of a discomfort with the present. Be careful you don't miss your life because you're wanting different or better or special - it's all right here already, the stress and the work and the worry are exactly part of right now.

This grief definitely hit me hard at times. When DS took all his soft toys out of his room and put them in the spare room. Walking him to school for the last time in primary school. Thinking when I read him the last story at bed time I never knew it would be the last time. When he didn’t need my help to get packed up for his 2 nd year uni. Sob. I don’t know the answer I just accepted the emotions I was feeling at the time and you do move on but I totally get what you mean.

I don't get why people are being dicks about this. I feel exactly the same. It's not because I don't enjoy my child now - if anything, I enjoy him more the older he gets - but because i love spending time with my DC and I know that the time is finite.

Honestly I think there's almost a reverse snobbery going on here, because the example concerns children. But surely this feeling is a normal and natural response to any period of your life that you love, but is finite. I look back and wish I could relive a day of my travelling years, of early dating DH, of doing my PhD, of spending time with my parents when they were younger, the summer when I was 17, particular holidays. Hell, sometimes I even wish I could do something mundane like watch Sopranos for the first time or eat the lasagna from a restaurant I used to live close to. If you're a self aware person, then you'll also experience that twinge of knowing something good will end while doing the thing. This just seems part and parcel of living a life that you enjoy and get satisfaction from.

Perhaps it might help you to reframe it this way - your children aren't slipping through your fingers, you're just experiencing a natural reaction to having really enjoyed a time that lasts a short time. It's normal and fine. I do agree though that being more of a present parent might help, just so you don't feel regret about missed time.

Mine still get stockings from Santa, although Santa tends to be said "Santa" now. I will always do it

When we start focusing on loss, it can become all consuming. Perhaps ask yourself what you can look forward to? Their first day at high school, or other big firsts? Although it can be hard, and its sad to not be around little ones again, you can also have a really close and special friendship with a grown child.

I get this. I have an adult DS (22) and 2 younger dcs 6 and 2). I can't really remember the experience of parenting my eldest when he was younger - I recall the facts, but it's almost like it was a different me. It's very easy for an entire childhood to be just a blur of memories.

I feel sadness as each stage moves on. I'm very aware of it, for example when my youngest stopped her toddler classes to start nursery, and in September she'll go to full days, it was something I'd think about at each session, and it made me focus on it and value each time. I photograph and video everyday events (I can't take photos at nursery or certain classes, but I'll take a photo of them just outside the building just as a memento). I edit our photos and have online photo albums for each month of their lives, so it's organised when I want to look back through them (which I frequently do). I also make a note of what we've done, even if it's just a quick calendar entry on my phone. When I have more time, I have a more reflective journal where I write out what we've been up to, and also more thoughts about it and how I've felt about it.

I photgraph quite mundane things - their gifts that they receive and clothes they have by photographing them and a list (this is partly an organisational catalogue but also because those objects hold memories of when they were used. I'll photograph the streets around us, the playgrounds we go to, the rooms in our house. In 20 years they will all look different and I like looking back at that sort of thing.

I'm keenly aware that the years pass quickly (because my eldest is an adult now) and I try to tick off a mental list of things I want to do with them, and places to visit, before they get too old for them or don't want to hang out with us any more. We're very busy at weekends and during holidays going out to places, and our free time is child-focused and we never have one parent going off to do their own thing at weekends with one parent looking after the dcs, we spend our whole weekends together as a family and don't use babysitters.

I'm a bit sad that the eldest is getting too old for certain trips out. At the same time I look forward to easier times, when both of them will be more independent. Sometimes I read threads on here talking about teens in their rooms and barely interacting, and that makes me aware that we only have a limited time to have those fun times.

I completely agree with this I have a 6 year old and had pnd when she was a baby/early toddler, I don’t remember any of it. It seems like my brain deleted it all memory of it to protect me and I feel so sad I don’t remember anything from those tiny times and I’ll never get them back. I think about it a lot too. Your not on your own

I think most parents feel this way. My one is in the last year of secondary education and I look at her sometimes and think where did the time go! No advice sorry other than don’t listen to ABBA song Slipping Through my fingers “ as I sob every time I hear it 😭