Grief of being a parent

[the7Vabo]

I appreciate many will find this OTT.

I have two kids - DS (6) and DD (4).

How do people deal with kids growing up and changing. I see it as a type of grief as I feel sad that I’ll never meet my baby, toddler, 4 year old etc again. I daydream about having my kids back for one day at different ages. I feel like that little person is gone.

Im sad that I can’t really remember our lives when we had a baby & a toddler.

Im not a particularly patient or present parent. I found parts of the Christmas holidays tough. And in a lot of ways I’m looking forward to a time where I can read a book in peace, the house won’t be trashed etc. But I also feel like their childhoods are going too fast, slipping through my fingers.

I appreciate I’m lucky to have two healthy kids, and I know many aren’t so lucky. I don’t want to be ungrateful for it.

Has anyone experienced similar and found anything helpful.

I feel exactly the same OP, I’m so glad it is not just me. My DS will be 9 this month and I’m making as many memories as I can with him so I spend as much time with him as I can and take him out all over the place. I dread the day when he doesn’t want to hold my hand or doesn’t come running up for a cuddle and to tell me he loves me. I have an older DS who accepts hugs but who doesn’t want the whole thing with day trips out or games. They grow up so fast and I have loved every day with my children.

That’s very harsh.

It is. Plus I wonder if the poster can see the irony in taking time out of her/his day to write that.

I feel the same. When my baby was born a friend told me to take small videos as well as photos. She’s a toddler and loves to see the videos of herself when she was smaller… I watch them with her and hold back tears. I miss her younger self, love her current self and am excited to meet her future self.. all at the same time. I think that’s unconditional love. How lucky we are to have loved and lost these littler versions of our babies.

There is comfort in knowing others feel the same.
I don’t hold my children back in any way and I’m excited for their new interests, stages etc, but it feels a little bit like being in a wind tunnel everything is going so fast!

I think the house being a mess in the photos is part of the stage! The videos and photos of the kids when they were tiny - some of them are idyllic but most of them are just real life - the bathroom's dirty, there's stuff everywhere. One of my favourite pictures of my son as a newborn is him with chaos in the background, stuff everywhere - it just shows how it hit us like a whirlwind!
I think there's a level of appreciation that comes with time, about just how much we are dealing with as parents. I look back on photos of me then and appreciate and admire how much I was going through and how I did well to hold it all together.

That is lovely.

Take lots and lots of photos, they are comforting to look back on. Nice to keep a diary as well.

I’m also always waiting until I lose two stones and three chins to take a photo with my kids and that may never happen!

It's really important to document their life stages....I have about 40 lovely photo albums ( the ones with acid free paper).
Sadly our videos which were on a cd got irrevocably damaged...wish I'd had duplicates done!
I loved the teenage years best of all.
Sadly my adult ds died last year but I have thousands of photos and memories of him

I know what you mean. My eldest is 14 now, and a lovely, lovely girl. But she doesn't like hugs or any physical affection, and it hurts a little at times that I can't cuddle her like I used to, or hold her hand, or give her a kiss goodnight. That I can't remember the last time I did any of those things, cause had I realised it was going to be the last time I'd have kind of noted it more...if you see what I mean.

Of course I am proud of all of them growing up, and the people they're growing into, but it is ok to feel a little sad, or nostalgic as well.

Agreed, hearing their little voices is such a joy.

I get it OP, mine is 8 and she's amazing and i love this age but i do still miss her baby and toddler years sometimes, the cute toddler babble, waving at lorries when they went past etc, it's going by so fast! I keep all the card etc she makes me in a storage box and i also take loads of photo's and videos and will continue to do so.

It's not so much grief but there is definitely a sadness about the passing of time and how quick time is passing

I do get what you mean, but you need to be careful not to let your growing children know that they used to be so cute etc (I.e. the implication is that they aren't now). My Dad made it very obvious that he thought we were lovely as tiny children, but as soon as we got personalities of our own he wasn't so keen, to say the least. He's been dead for many years now but I still feel a bit of resentment at his attitude towards us growing up.

Each stage is brilliant in its own way, my 16yo is bloody hilarious. And he can carry lots of things for his ageing mother. Really looking forward to teaching him to drive (then he can get me from the pub).

Some people have kids who have disabilities that mean they won’t reach these changes and usual milestones, I’m thankful that’s not the case with mine and I can see them grow older and change.

I feel that you have to cherish the moments of change and enjoy them. Ds17 has been away but came and sat with me to tell me all about it and i was so proud and excited to hear about his adventures. I do not feel I have lost him at all but bern part of making who he is. I do a photo album of the important moments of every year and they love looking through them. Do not grieve them growing up, rejoice in what wonderful people they are becoming.

That's an awful thing to say. Feeling sad here and there is a powerful but hardly time consuming activity is it? Nor is it navel gazing, aka a passive aggressive way of calling someone self indulgent. News flash, busy parents are allowed to indulge their sadness now and again. I can do both- i often feel sad and grief my son is growing too fast, whilst simultaneously having the time of my life enjoying it.

Focus on the amazingness of them being themselves right now.

I love the humour and conversations I have with my older children.

I miss the toddler days and primary school days but I love seeing them becoming the individuals they are.

I understand OP. My children are now all adults; yours are still very young in the grand scheme of things!

Keep in mind that the children they are and the days you have with them now will one day be the same ones you will be looking back on, wishing you could have them back for a day. Make the most of being present in all those little moments.

I feel you OP.
DD went off to Uni last year and sometimes I am just hit by an almost physical wave of sadness and DS is now 16 and will be off too in a couple of years.
I miss my babies so much even while being so proud of the young adults they are now. I also feel old and tired and regret so many parenting mistakes
When we are in the "no sleep" phase and then juggling childcare/work/everything else we don't take a minute to enjoy it - I imagine its why some people enjoy Grandchildren so much.

This. And as they get older they share their memories with you of those early days and you have photos to look at.

I’m not patient or present either as a parent :( I’d love to be but I find the stage where they are constantly speaking and asking questions incredibly difficult, I prefer to spend most of my time in silence just quietly reflecting and when I don’t get that I get overstimulated and extremely stressed. Wish it wasn’t the case but it is, and it’s why I love the baby stage but really am not coping with an older child… yeah not sure if that’s helpful or relevant but thought I’d mention if you’re anything like me

I get what you mean, my DD turned 12 last year and has totally changed since she started high school. Not in a bad way just growing up. Just don’t tend to see as much of her these days. She also had a bedroom makeover last year and got rid of most of her toys. It did make me feel sad for a little while but not long.

I still make sure we do things together and she still needs me, but the independence we both have is good. She can go to meet friends or go to the shop on her own. I can leave her at home if I need to pop out. So much easier in a lot of ways than the younger years.

It’s lovely to watch her grow, some parents never see their children grow up.

Your dc will want photos with their mum. How you look is how you look