Jealous of mums who don’t have to work

[Apologiesbut]

This is totally my problem, I know it is ..
I was sortof a sahm before but my 3 dcs were small so also v hard work so I didn’t benefit from them all being at school and me being a sahm! I worked freelance but only 15 or so hours a week.

I went back to “proper” work when my youngest started school, I’m a teacher in secondary but in a challenging school. My dh and I have absolutely no family support so we juggle everything ourselves ,there’s v v limited childcare where we live (not uk ) and very long holidays….
I’m very lucky in that I get school holidays off with my kids so I really appreciate how lucky I am. This does mean that I’m either working or with my kids though. My dh is great and does as much as he can with a f/t job. Neither of us will ever get any inheritance, we have never had any financial or physical support from family so it’s all on us, like many people!
We aren’t entitled to any help from the government so we just have to work , work , particularly now.
I know when I drop my kids off tomorrow the parents who are all beaming and delighted with the “back to routine “ are sahps , it’s always them.
Honestly , I’m jealous. It’s so exhausting managing work and 3 dcs for both me and my dh , it just is.
We have tried to access as much support as we can afford but there really isn’t much , we were lucky to get 3 days of afterschool and on Fridays it closes at 4pm . At least I can be with my kids during the holidays but I find the day to day exhausting and I do like my job. It’s all the things we need to do with the kids and work . I had 6 months off between jobs before while our dcs were in school and it was a revelation, I was so rested and relaxed and the house was completely repainted (by me) outside and inside,I got a skip , I was fitter, so we’ll rested ….If I gave up work I’d be happier but we’d have way less money to pay off mortgage etc.
This is just a moan but I’ll be running to get to work after drop off tomorrow and there’ll be a lot of parents happy out and I know exactly why and I’m stupidly envious…. And I know it’s the theif of joy. I can’t afford to give up work ..

Could you cut your hours down op?
I do 4 days a week tto which works really well for us.

have you done the maths to see whether you could resign?

Nope. We both work hard so we can give our children the best childhood plus it means I also have my own life away from just being a Mum. Yeah on the face of it those sahm's might be living the life of riley but in reality they are probably living hand to mouth, no family holidays, and have housebound anxiety with a small circle of friends.

Teaching is exhausting, I think you're a hero for combining it with 3 children without your head falling clean off your shoulders. Would you consider finding a less demanding job so you're not so tired? You give A LOT during the day, plus all the paperwork and mental load too.

I could reduce hours and I could not work as my dh is on a good salary but honesty we’d have less money , I’m very conscious if I gave up work (going to hit 40) it would be difficult to get back into working again (I’m not in the uk and there isn’t a teacher shortage here ) , I don’t have an amazing degree but I do have a pgce ( my country is small so honestly not many transferable jobs etc ). We’d also have a lot less money if I gave up working and we don’t have that net of family money that so many others know have , we won’t ever get any inheritance, house etc (like many )it means we have to secure our and our children’s future. I could reduce hours in the future but tbh we have a teens and older primary ages kids and if the go to uni we’ll have to pay fees and accommodation etc so we’ll need money again!

I only work 16 hours a week and I hate the kids going back to school because I love the fun of the holidays and the lack of routine.

@OhMaria2 its the paperwork and then all the house stuff and school things of 3 kids . It’s insane tbh . We went for food with a couple recently and they both work very minimally but they inherited two houses etc so this allowed them to.. and I was pathetically jealous tbh as they saw the back to school as a break and I just dread my kids going back ..

Most modern families are stuck in this I think.

@Pamosonic I really appreciate your reply and you’re right re working. Honestly the sahp I know have great social lives as they have time!!

Could you not teach supply or in a college?

This! And if the high earning DH leaves or develops a wandering cock they are screwed. I work full time, I’m the main bread winner and I feel jealous at times too. Then I go to the relationships board and remind myself how lucky I am, both to have a DH who splits housework/childcare 50:50 and also to be totally financially self sufficient and to know that my lifestyle wouldn’t change much if he left.

I am really sorry for starting my thread if it has influenced threads like this

It does get easier. Honestly. The older and more independent your dc become the easier it will be.

@emmax1980 I did work in a college (im
not in the uk ) , it was still really full-on tbh . There isn’t much supply here (I’m in Ireland). There’s no supply agencies in Ireland and no demand that way tbh. There isn’t really a solution, either I drop my hours and we’d have way less money (this could be a concern for the future with university etc) or I keep going and hopefully it gets better when my dcs are all in secondary z

@motherofdragons79 thank you , I needed to hear this . Only one in secondary so far

@catphone I haven’t read your thread so no idea what you mean

What a lovely person you are.

Don’t be. Pick any one of a zillion threads on here where the woman has given up work to look after the children (joint decision) and the husband has either turned into a lazy twat who believes he has a house maid, has taken up gaming as a full time (so never available for the children) hobby or has started boinking Tina from accounts/ the next door neighbour/ someone he met at his hobby. Maintain your independence and be proud of it.

@Pamosonic Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but the SAHMs I know around here are wealthy (some independently), have plenty of friends, strong relationships and seemingly happy their stress free lives. I’m talking well educated ex-lawyers, GPs etc who through marriage or inheritance don’t need to work. Some SAHMs have it tough - but not the ones I know.

I’m full of gratitude for the life I have and the marriage we’ve built and I love my DH more than life but I’m also fiercely independent, pragmatic and realistic and it makes me sad how many women throw away their career and independence and end up trapped and miserable, often reliant on awful abusive men. “Lovely” also isn’t my aim in life; I’d rather girls and women were called intelligent, interesting, strong, etc. Helps with the raging internalised misogyny that springs up in day to day language.

I'm a teacher and single parent to 1 sen child. Also a carer to an elderly parent so effectively running 2 households on top of work. Yes you can be envious of those who you perceive to have more fortune but the way I see it there's always someone worse off and someone who would love to live your life - relationship, house, kids and career

Haha. Atleast OP is open with her jealousy. You seem to be bitter. Sahm here because I want to "give my children the best childhood". One is SEN so obviously this is a factor. We don't live hand to mouth and we do have family holidays. No housebound anxiety (ffs) and yes a small circle of friends because quality over quantity. How would you feel if I said oh all those ft working mums who don't give a f about their children and just want other people to watch them? Most of my friends work ft btw, some happily others less so. I have a degree and I study to learn new things every day, I don't like shopping or fashion and I don't even wear make up. I don't know why you need to sterotype a group of people ? I didn't choose for my son to have special needs and he will probably never be able to live on his own so I'm trying to be optimistic about my life which didn't turn out as planned. But it's not as grim as you're trying to picture it.

I would love to be a sahm, I had to drop my DC off at 9 months old for 4 days a weeks and it nearly broke me. I cried daily. After my next DC I dropped my days to 3 days but I still cried daily.

To flip it the other way OP I am considering retraining as a teacher or TA as I get super jealous of my teacher friends and the holidays. When I told them I had to spend £800 to cover 3 days / 4 weeks of the summer holidays for two kids they seemed shocked. My kids don’t get much down time to rest, it’s school or school clubs and it’s awful to see them so tired at times. But then I get other benefits with flex to attend sport days etc.

I don’t think the grass is always greener.

OP if you can afford it, look at more seriously! You only live once!

I've been a sahp for years - had a nice lifestyle, good relationship, But my Dh is now unwell and losing his job. I've started supply work but I wish I'd kept my career and had proper job security.
What you are doing is hard but not as hard as suddenly having no money and needing to get back into work from scratch!

I am a SAHM and cannot wait to get back to studying tomorrow! It's time schools were back. Two weeks is enough.

I have two with additional needs and need respite. The holidays have been really tough.

The point being, no one is having an easy time of it OP.