Jealous of mums who don’t have to work

[Apologiesbut]

This is totally my problem, I know it is ..
I was sortof a sahm before but my 3 dcs were small so also v hard work so I didn’t benefit from them all being at school and me being a sahm! I worked freelance but only 15 or so hours a week.

I went back to “proper” work when my youngest started school, I’m a teacher in secondary but in a challenging school. My dh and I have absolutely no family support so we juggle everything ourselves ,there’s v v limited childcare where we live (not uk ) and very long holidays….
I’m very lucky in that I get school holidays off with my kids so I really appreciate how lucky I am. This does mean that I’m either working or with my kids though. My dh is great and does as much as he can with a f/t job. Neither of us will ever get any inheritance, we have never had any financial or physical support from family so it’s all on us, like many people!
We aren’t entitled to any help from the government so we just have to work , work , particularly now.
I know when I drop my kids off tomorrow the parents who are all beaming and delighted with the “back to routine “ are sahps , it’s always them.
Honestly , I’m jealous. It’s so exhausting managing work and 3 dcs for both me and my dh , it just is.
We have tried to access as much support as we can afford but there really isn’t much , we were lucky to get 3 days of afterschool and on Fridays it closes at 4pm . At least I can be with my kids during the holidays but I find the day to day exhausting and I do like my job. It’s all the things we need to do with the kids and work . I had 6 months off between jobs before while our dcs were in school and it was a revelation, I was so rested and relaxed and the house was completely repainted (by me) outside and inside,I got a skip , I was fitter, so we’ll rested ….If I gave up work I’d be happier but we’d have way less money to pay off mortgage etc.
This is just a moan but I’ll be running to get to work after drop off tomorrow and there’ll be a lot of parents happy out and I know exactly why and I’m stupidly envious…. And I know it’s the theif of joy. I can’t afford to give up work ..

Believe me when I say it's not a life of luxury;it's a never ending circle of cooking,cleaning,laundry,tidying up,dealing with a child who wants you/something,school runs,nursery runs,errands,grocery shopping etc.

But none of this goes away when you work full time... you just have to do it all in addition to a full time job!

Haha, you were just one of the lucky ones then😂 but for many of us we don't lead perfect lives that effortless.

@throwaway24 exactly. That’s what makes it harder

I have for 16 years, almost 17 now. We're out there😊. Strangely enough I have just muddled along with life's ups and downs just like those who have no choice but to work, except with other challenges like raising DC who have additional needs.

Working would complicate things. We may only have one income but still enjoy holidays, it's not a completely miserable existence.

I ( and DH!) juggled five DC youngest just about to turn 18. We both had NHS jobs with out of hours commitments
what worked for me was never work more than 4 days - a day in the week to exercise/ do household admin etc. Have a cleaner ( who ironed when we had lots of school uniform) yes it costs but everyone chooses how they spend their income - we spent less on holidays / meals out in favour of that.
had a babysitter booked for 3 hours on a weekend afternoon every 2 weeks where the only expectation was me/DH went out separately or together and did something fun ( and free) like a bike ride
being a SAHP gets boring from my experience - as your kids get older you need your own people/life/ interests. My work provided a lot of this although it was a hard slog at times. Also having seen a few friends in a terrible situation post divorce I would always advise keeping going with a career and maximise your earning potential.

I was a SAHM for over a decade and although was grateful for time with DC, it was a worrying time. I hated depending on (ex)DH and at times envied those with careers.

I then worked FT then PT and think PT is the way forward (3 or 4 long days) I'm glad I had an income when DH left as it enabled me to get a mortgage etc.

I think the grass is greener whatever we do. I felt guilt SAH and working. There are downsides to both. Sometimes I too envy those who work from home or stay home but I also enjoy my work (mostly) and would not do well if I never ventured outdoors (not saying people who do this never go out but for me i would probably stay home more and more).

I work. I love it when the kids go back because we all need the structure school gives our week. They sleep better, behaviour improves and the it feels like the pressure is off me.

Why do people have so many children? We have very busy stressful jobs but stuck to 2 children as a) this is what we can afford yet still allows us both to work 4 days each and b) is all we have capacity for and also allows both parents to have down time. I know this doesn't help as the kids are already here but I don't understand why people go on to have more children and then wonder why it's hard work/expensive etc (waits for everyone to say they had twins)

I don’t blame you for feeling that way. A lot of the SAHMs I know are wealthy & seem very happy, fit and relaxed. I only work for the money and am looking forward to a very early retirement because I don’t want to spend my life working. At least you will have a good pension!

I'm an ex-teacher, still work in education, and I feel the same. I wish I could afford not to work, but need to work full-time. I'm 46 and have 3 children, 2 with additional needs and I'm shattered. I do everything that a SAHM does around the house and work 38 hours a week on top. Being a SAHM seems like a dream. I am grateful to not still be in a school though, I couldn't do the 60+ hours a week I was doing when teaching. I don't know how you manage it with a family. Hats off to you, but I think get out if you can.

Totally agree about there being up and downs to both. A lot of FT working women struggle in my opinion because men think all they have to do is work. If both adults are working outside the home then all the jobs in the home plus school runs and hobby runs and childcare should be equally divided.

This is exactly the choice a lot of the mothers you are envious of have made though. To have less money in exchange for less stress. You've said it's a choice you can make too, so then it's up to you. If you keep your hand in in a small way, you can get back to work when the kids leave home for uni and you want more money to help them out.

I know when I drop my kids off tomorrow the parents who are all beaming and delighted with the “back to routine “ are sahps , it’s always them.

Oh I work but ill be very excited in the morning!

I'm jealous of anyone, man or woman, who can afford to never have to work and the opportunities that brings for a decent standard of living without balancing everything and spending so many hours at work! I don't feel jealous of women who don't work and rely on a man's wage personally.

Fair enough if it suits you,but I could not have borne it

Thanks for the replies , at the moment I can’t drop days or hours just due to the job itself. I actually find my job rewarding but I just find the juggle exhausting tbh.
I had great ideas about getting loads of rest over Christmas but it just didn’t seem happen but we still have 3 dcs to look after so a bit ambitious!! It’s prob the area I live in re the parents but it’s always the same after a holiday. I was talking to a sahm the last day about the possibility of snow and I was praying for it as a day off and she definitely wasn’t and was obvs kind-of surprised when I was like “fingers crossed the schools are closed “ 😂😂😂 She prob thinks I’m a crap teacher , I honestly don’t hate my job, I just find the juggle hard .

Ok fair enough. Thank you for not going for the stereotypical mn personal attack in response like others have done. I was simply trying to put a glass half full don't look over your neighbours fence response. If my initial post offended I'm sorry, but I'm just going by a common theme of MM threads on here of people who stay at home. Those sort of frustrated stay at home mum threads are here in the 100s let's not pretend they don't exist. MN shouldn't be a cheap yes I agree with the narrative place to an honest question though.

Your feedback is really good though. My son's maths tutor has managed to build a really successful business. It certainly is an option Op could look at.

Could you even drop to 4 days a week. That one day to catch up on house stuff/have a coffee in peace might make all the difference to how you feel?

@PreferMyAnimals I can’t really keep “my hand in really “ in my area, honestly I think people underestimate how tricky it would be to go back to work in their 50’s, really . I actually don’t know many 50 year olds who kick started their career from scratch again.
Yes we would survive but we then wouldn’t have savings or extras for our kids, our parents didn’t have savings etc for us and it honestly would have helped in university , we had no help with rent etc as students, I want to help my kids out financially tbh ..

But those are all choices involved for the mothers you envy too. Take the career hit? Have less savings? Less extras (maybe)? It's all about your priorities. I'm not saying one is more right or wrong than the other because that's individual, but we all have choices to make. All those mothers you envy have had to ask the same questions.

Ah, you're in Ireland, we have an insane cost of living so yes you will be on the hamster wheel forever.

I considered teacher training but decided my job in sales was much much less stressful. I am jealous of your holidays but I also know teaching leads to serious burnout. I'd actually love to be a home-school mum but its just not an option, so I am content with a job that gives me some satisfaction and human connection.

I only work 3 days per week as I have toddlers. We have NO extra money to spend and I only have childcare when I am working, too, so I get you. I would say I am tired but happy, though. Are you getting enough joy from the humdrum or are there ways you could increase it, day to day? (small joys and all that)

I'm in a very similar situation OP (only I'm primary). It's so tough never having a moment away from kids (the children I teach are the same age as my own). The only option to go part time is to jobshare which means I would be down 50% of my wages, and we just cannot afford that. I'm jealous of friends that work a 4 day week - I think it would be ideal.

Some things that I find help are getting a cleaner once a week and batch cooking. I also send the kids to camps during the Easter and Summer break. 1 week at Easter and 3 in the summer. The camps only run in the morning but give me a bit of peace to get a few jobs done and to meet up with friends. Keeps me sane. I also try to book plenty of nice activities and days out with the kids during our time off and tell myself that this is why I'm doing it.

everything is a choice.
We also did not have any inheritance/ financial or childcare help from our parents. And just 6 weeks annual leave and lots of out of hours work.
I think your comparator should not be wealthy SAHP but those who do actually struggle with insecure jobs/ benefits/ single parents/SEN children.
maybe then you would feel less jealously and more gratitude for what you have. I have a profession,secure employment, a pension to look forward to and interesting work. Yes it’s demanding and tiring but perhaps
some of those SAHP wish they had professions and careers as well?

I'm not technically a SAHM as I have a job, but I'm on sick leave at the moment and have been since the beginning of October. Seems unlikely I'll be able to return to work.

I'm dreading school starting back tomorrow. I'll be all alone at home and will miss my DS dreadfully. He's autistic and hates going to school, which makes it worse.

It has been nice not having the stress of work, but I do miss it, I don't like being home by myself for long periods of time. The stress of work is also going to be replaced with the stress (and guilt) of a drop in income, too.

Very well said.
I'm surprised at OP's perception of SAHMs being that happy. That's not my impression and I work full time. Sometimes exhausting but always well worth it.
I have many female friends who work full time and some are SAHMs who gave up a career or they never used their third level education. From my experience they aren't that happy after a few years without their financial independence. Childhood is short and there is an undeniable psychological impact when all the children are in secondary school and you are still at home. Don't envy that OP.

I could reduce hours and I could not work as my dh is on a good salary but honesty we’d have less money *

Honestly . Well, of course you'd have less money if you worked fewer hours! That's your choice though. If it's stressful and you never see the kids, go part time for a bit and see if that's better, but obviously you will earn less!