Jealous of mums who don’t have to work

[Apologiesbut]

This is totally my problem, I know it is ..
I was sortof a sahm before but my 3 dcs were small so also v hard work so I didn’t benefit from them all being at school and me being a sahm! I worked freelance but only 15 or so hours a week.

I went back to “proper” work when my youngest started school, I’m a teacher in secondary but in a challenging school. My dh and I have absolutely no family support so we juggle everything ourselves ,there’s v v limited childcare where we live (not uk ) and very long holidays….
I’m very lucky in that I get school holidays off with my kids so I really appreciate how lucky I am. This does mean that I’m either working or with my kids though. My dh is great and does as much as he can with a f/t job. Neither of us will ever get any inheritance, we have never had any financial or physical support from family so it’s all on us, like many people!
We aren’t entitled to any help from the government so we just have to work , work , particularly now.
I know when I drop my kids off tomorrow the parents who are all beaming and delighted with the “back to routine “ are sahps , it’s always them.
Honestly , I’m jealous. It’s so exhausting managing work and 3 dcs for both me and my dh , it just is.
We have tried to access as much support as we can afford but there really isn’t much , we were lucky to get 3 days of afterschool and on Fridays it closes at 4pm . At least I can be with my kids during the holidays but I find the day to day exhausting and I do like my job. It’s all the things we need to do with the kids and work . I had 6 months off between jobs before while our dcs were in school and it was a revelation, I was so rested and relaxed and the house was completely repainted (by me) outside and inside,I got a skip , I was fitter, so we’ll rested ….If I gave up work I’d be happier but we’d have way less money to pay off mortgage etc.
This is just a moan but I’ll be running to get to work after drop off tomorrow and there’ll be a lot of parents happy out and I know exactly why and I’m stupidly envious…. And I know it’s the theif of joy. I can’t afford to give up work ..

Im exactly the opposite.

I feel a bit sorry for SAHMs. Yes its fine when your kids are young and things are full on, but then what?

What happens if your partner has an accident/gets ill or for any other reason cant work anymore?

Im well aware others will entirely disagree with me, but I think being a SAHM lacks security and quite frankly, looks really depressing.

I know this is often what is cited on Mn but sorry none of the above is necessarily true. It’s not for me!

I think most people feel sorry for them. It’s certainly only on Mn that I’ve ever encountered the notion that it’s in any way an enviable position.

I don't agree. It's only on MN where I hear that.

My recommendation would be to go very part time, say 1 or 2 days a week.
That way you can pick up your career any time later but still have most of the benefits of SAHM.

I think it depends on your circle too and the working situations of those around you - every single one of my friends work full time. I’d either have to make a lot of new friends in my 30s or be very lonely as a SAHP!

Please do take this question as criticism or anything like that but I'm curious why have 3 children so close in age when it's obviously going to be a hard graft?

I take my hat off parents bringing up 3 or more young kids at once but it wasn't a surprise that they would cost a fortune in childcare and make having a career a challenge

Age, usually. I’m 34 now and going through IVF, my DSD is 9, we want at least two more so I’m probably looking at 2-3 toddlers and a teen if we get lucky enough! It isn’t always choice. Establishing a good career first often means starting later too so your gaps are smaller - most of my friends/colleagues had/are having their first babies 33-36ish. One had three in three years at 39/40/41 😬 it looks chaotic but fun and will get easier as they age!

Don't be jealous. I was a sahm because I couldn't get childcare , but I would have loved a part time job just to get out of the house as my husband worked away in the week . I think it's about balance .

@adviceneeded1990 that makes sense!
Good luck with IVF 😄

I know when I drop my kids off tomorrow the parents who are all beaming and delighted with the “back to routine “ are sahps , it’s always them.
non sahp here who is relieved they’re going back!!!

I've been a SAHM all through my DCs lives - they are now 16 and 19. The 16 year old has medical issues which meant I could not go back to work as I'd originally planned.

Being a SAHM has been amazing. I had a career for 20 years before the kids arrived so was ready to give up. I enjoyed every moment of being SAHM , made loads of new friends , kept in touch with all of my old work friends and my childhood best friends. No idea what this housebound anxiety is - never heard that phrase before. I took up new hobbies, have done voluntary work all the way through. We could always afford nice holidays and never had to worry about money because we were already financially secure because I paid half our mortgage off from the savings I'd built up while working. Where I live most of the mums were SAHM at least through to end of primary school so we socialised a lot together.

It's fine to be jealous but the posters assuming we are all miserable behind the scenes are so wrong.

The problem I have now is that I'm 55 and have 5 years until my company pension pays out and feel like I should now be working at least part time. This feeling comes from the guilt I have that I'm no longer needed to be a hands on parent apart from for my daughter's medical needs which are gradually becoming easier as she gets older. I've tried to get part time work but I get no response from any jobs I apply for. I never realised how hard it is to get work as an older person.

As much as I enjoyed my life at home with the kids I wish I'd been able to keep some sort of part time job going just so I wouldn't feel as redundant as I do now.

We adore our children and love having 3, part of the reason I’m not looking forward to going back . Col has changed things significantly tbh and I’m in Ireland where things are super expensive. We had our dcs relatively young and our 3 dcs are the best decisions we have ever made . It’s absolutely ok at the same time to admit I find working and parenting hard . Thanks for the replies and good luck to all the working parents tomorrow!

You’re not alone, op. It’s exhausting teaching and having 3 dc.
I dream of winning the lottery or such like.
I have no words of wisdom, except to try and find 5 minutes (or more if possible) each day for yourself. I spot many mums in parked cars outside supermarkets taking a few minutes to catch their breath.

I was planning on going back to work once youngest was school age and absolutely no earlier but then we had another baby and we decided not to send our eldest to school.

I then home educated all of them and have never gone back to work. Youngest has quite severe SEN.

I feel very fortunate that we were in an okay enough position for me to stay home as it's what I truly wanted and I have absolutely loved it.

I will always have a small part of me that feels a bit of guilt about not going back to work (societal pressure). However I would have found the guilt of leaving babies and toddlers to go to work unbearable. (I'm not suggesting anyone should feel guilty for going back to work, I just would have done personally).

Exactly 💯 this. I was a SAHM for the past 7 years since having my youngest two and obviously if you saw my life from outside, you'd think it was cushy.

In reality, I was extremely fortunate to have financial support from my parents, and got child benefits, but i didn't have much money, didn't have lots of friends who were free during school hours, and I had to get over a lot of health problems after having a head injury and post concussion syndrome a decade ago.

Now I'm back working part time for the mornings, I am definitely better off financially and can get a sense of accomplishment, even if my job isn't ideal.

Being a SAHP is great in theory, but it soon gets very dull spending all day with young children under 5 with not much money to do a lot.

Grass isn't always greener on the other side OP! I've been a SAHM for 4 years. I had a dream career for 10 years but gave it up to move abroad with DH and have DS. I think there are alot of positives for my DS having a non stressed, fully present mum in his formative years and I can see the benefits. He has autism and he's not so easy to parent and alot of the time I feel drained and would love to be back at work "for a break". I imagine the idea of it is perhaps better than the reality.
My DH got made redundant from his job last month and having 2 of us unemployed is worry. I want my financial independence back. I do think there is a stigma around SAHM and I almost feel pressured to go back to work because I hate the thought that other people might think I'm "lazy, boring, not ambitious, a gold digger". These are the usual stereotypes I come across for SAHM and it really annoys me. As a woman you can't win. Work and you're a selfish, uncaring crap mum. Don't work and you're a lazy, boring and a poor role model.

I'm planning to go back to work this year (I retrained last year) but I suppose I'm looking for a magical unicorn job that fits around school hours. No idea if I can find it.
Have you thought about private tutoring? One of my teacher friends switched from teaching in schools to doing that part time and earns well.

@Apologiesbut I am in a similar boat, however just to complicate matters DH left us a few months ago. He is helping out a bit with various small things, but largely I am doing it all.
I couldn't go PT even when we were together as we needed both salaries just to make ends meet.

I am fairly independent by nature and don't think I'd have felt comfortable not working (altho never got the chance to try it and see!). And in the back of my mind was always the thought that I could manage on my own if need be (I'd envisioned ill health on DHs part, did not see this coming! Anyway..)
However what i am now seeing is that friends who have separated and haven't worked are actually better off than me. I'm actually regretting being so self sufficient.

I totally get where you're coming from though, i felt like that even when I was with exDH. Holidays were exhausting catching up on everything and keeping kids busy, definitely not a break.

It's slightly easier now they are teens, but their expenses go up, so it's even less realistic to drop working hours

What was your thread? I’ll have a read :)

These SAHM/WOHM threads pop up from time to time as and you always end up with one side bashing the other side's lifestyle.

It's about balance surely.
I work, but not full time. I wouldn't like to work full time with children as I'd view that as neglectful or selfish.
I couldn't be a 100% SAHM as I'd get bored out of my mind!
Balancing it out works for me.

The grass is always greener I think.

I'm a stay at home parent to 4 young children aged 5, 5, 2 and a newborn. I will be relieved when the twins go back to school tomorrow but not because I have a life of riley. I'll still have a toddler and a baby at home. I certainly don't have time to be painting anything. I don't have any other stay at home parent friends to meet with even though we don't struggle financially so we could go do things. However, the reason I don't work is because of crippling mental health difficulties and ADHD. Perhaps it will be different when all the children are in school/nursery and it isn't so overwhelming. But for now I'll just stick to being relieved by the "break" I get by half the kids being in education.

This, too.

Comfortably off people who are SAHMs are lucky. Most are probably not. I was only able to stay at home thanks to the child benefits I received and the generosity of my parents giving me a lot of financial support.

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy bringing up my two youngest DC, as it was and still is amazing and I'd give anything for their time being little again. But it's a great thing using my brain more, doing something to get some money I've earned myself, and boosting my confidence and cognition- both very low after my head injury- so working is most definitely something I'll be doing for a long time.

You are describing a great many families in the UK. Lots of people don't have family support for various reasons and both work, but also dont get achool holidays. I'm not comparing down just highlighting how common it is. I'm similar the only thing being I chose to only have 2 dc as I was stretched already and couldn't imagine a 3rd dependent.

I do not recommend teaching in a college to reduce exhaustion and stress!

Please please do not become a teacher for ‘the holidays’. Honestly people have no true idea what it’s like working in today’s current education system.

I became a SAHP when my marriage ended & I had to finish work due to ill health, it was the time I felt I finally properly bonded with ds as I had a bad time having him & then combined working & caring for his dad who was newly diagnosed with MS. It took time to get used to being at home, but for the first time, I felt like a proper mum, doing all the school runs, shopping, doing housework, cooking & caring for ds. Can you either reduce your hours or extend your mortgage term so you can afford to stop work?