To hate ‘enjoy every minute, it goes by in a flash’ comments…

[Wobblytrouble]

I’m a parent to two young children - 3.5 and 9 months. It’s bloody hard work most days - obviously there are flashes of fun and I love them both dearly and try to remain ‘in the moment’ as much as I can. But it’s hard with all of the other stresses of working, running a house, trying to maintain relationship with DH, friends, get enough rest, exercise etc. if I ever speak to anyone about how tough it is people mostly say ‘oh enjoy it while it lasts, it goes by in a flash’… or ‘you’ll miss the cuddles when they’re gone!’ or any other variation of this comment.

I think when you’re feeling overwhelmed that these comments are the worst things that you can say to someone struggling & in the trenches. When you’re vulnerable and sharing your struggles, someone saying ‘enjoy it’ doesn’t change anything or make you feel any better about the situation. It just makes you feel worse for not ‘enjoying every minute’. I think it’s mostly due to people looking back with rose tinted glasses e.g. my mum! Just wondering if I’m alone in this thinking?

Nope, I totally agree with you.
Actually DS is now a teenager and sometimes I start to think back to Christmases or birthdays past and think how wonderful it all was then, until the rational side of my brain reminds me that it bloody well wasn't! It was hard work, exhausting, and I hated the early years.

Tbh is there anything anyone can say that won’t wind you up with two little kids. The exhaustion kills all rationale. But it is true that the days are long the years are quick, and there’s a load of crap to deal with with older kids.

The person saying this has been through the harder bits too. They want you to stop and enjoy the good parts.

Mum of teens here.. just spent Xmas looking back at videos of them when tiny/toddlers. They were feral but also cute in a way I just don't remember.. actually really sweet & lovely.. but it's all a blur in my mind. I was exhausted beyond belief. In fact this is the first Xmas in 17 years I've felt remotely relaxed at any point. It's very very hard until they're about 7-8 then there's different challenges..., but you're not alone. Us with older children must try not to say such things to young parents think, it's bloody annoying & guilt trippy! Just take lots of videos!!

Teenagers are more fun 😁 not everyone loves the baby stage. It's relentless tbh.

Absolutely, 100%. Why can't people just say "god yeah it can really hard can't it? Can i do anything to help?"

I had twins and people said it to me. I just stopped talking about it with them so ended up pretty isolated. How the fuck are you supposed to enjoy two babies/toddlers crying and running amok at the same time?

Totally agree

But it’s possible to enjoy the good parts whilst still acknowledging just how shit it is at times too.

Babies are so incredibly dull. I can’t wait until my twins are older.

I agree i hated hearing it at the time but now mine is a teeni realise they were right.
i miss it and i wish i had enjoyed it more, instead i was so stressed about little things that didn't matter.

Totally agree with you x When I was in the midst of a mental health crisis and had people say to count my blessings and others have it worse blah blah.....I just wanted to stab them. Listening and just saying yep things are shit/sounds shit is all that's needed x

Thing is, it really does 'go by in a flash'.

It was said to me too when I was a young mother with two children, DH, house to run, full time work etc., but have to say I never resented anyone who advised me to enjoy the moment, as it all goes by....

If you want the truth, then here it is.
Little children are often easier than teens. For some it never stops and they are worried about adult children. The worries change and often you are less in control of the situation to be able to help or solve.
Babies and small children are often simpler.

There right though, you will learn it once yours are adults. Stop moaning.

Where i am now, teen years are harder and scarier its like i have a toddler that can read and leave the house and they are my size. I cant just pick them up and distract them with a toy and a lullaby. Teen years are scary and though it's less hands on it's still emotionally stressful and draining that I see the benefits of being a stay at home parent with teens. But to your OP, you won't make people stop saying this so be brave and ask them to help out with practical things you need, ask them to babysit or come along to a boring baby activity so you have an extra pair of hands and adult company. They will soon change their tune 🤣🤣

Couldn’t agree more, OP. Objectively DD was a very nice baby - alert, interested, keen on exploring the world- but she didn’t sleep through the night in her own bed for three and a half years. There were times when I was actually hallucinating with exhaustion, especially after I went back to work. The primary years and first half of secondary have been a breeze by comparison. It could all go wrong still- she isn’t grown up yet - but at the moment we’re a happy family and I’m appreciating her and feeling thankful the baby and toddler years are over.

Which isn’t going to magically make someone enjoy the baby stage if they aren’t enjoying it.

Babies are simple and boring. I can’t wait to get that stage over with.

I hated it as well.

I had really severe PND and was at times painfully aware of how much I was missing. Being reminded that I wasn't appreciating them while they were little made me feel awful.

Yes and no.

YANBU because when you're in the middle if it, if feels endless and desperate and not only does it not help , but it makes you feel guilty on top of it all too.

YA(ever so slightly)BU because, it actually is a thing, especially if coming from people that are long past this stage now. DD was the baby /toddler that didn't sleep/eat/talk , we had a billion issues and it was fucking relentless. I still fucking miss some bits(particularly her tiny cuddly little body that just moulded to me - i was so fucking touched out then )and look back wistfully and sometimes with a certain degree of regret. If you would've told me this would happen 10 years ago I probably would've punched you.

Do they also offer sympathy/try to relate/offer advice and,or help? If none of those , then we're back to you not being unreasonable because trite cliches (no matter if true or not) on their aren't helpful, and it can definitely be frustrating and feel dismissive.

Hope this makes sense.

But even if that's true why does that mean people can't struggle or dislike the young years?? That's almost like saying you can't moan about losing one leg because it's worse losing two legs.. Like that's an awful example obviously, but the point is even if parts of the teen years are worse it doesn't mean everyone has to Enjoy and appreciate the young years when it's relentless and difficult.

I found the days very long and the years very quick.

I have 4 children. The 2 oldest are primary aged, they younger 2 are pre school and nursery age.

While I know that it will get easier etc, having evidence of it with my older 2 children, I still find the younger ones really hard work, relentless and unenjoyable. I do try so hard to enjoy the good, and I’d say, overall, I’m better at it with these 2 than with the older ones, it’s still not how I would ideally spend all of my time.

I crave my freedom and a bit of quiet, like a lost limb.

And I really find it so, so, so hard to hear people tell me to relish it. Although, I have noticed that people say it substantially less when they realise you have a more than the average amount of children 🤣

These messages have made me feel a million times better - I thought it was just me. It has really affected my mental health worrying about why I’m not enjoying this ‘phase’ - so much so that I’ve been on anti-depressants for the past 4 months. Defo agree that if it is accompanied by support and concern then of course it’s fine, but I would rather it was just support & concern without the other comment!

It was said to me too and it's true it goes so fast but when you're in the thick of it and completely exhausted it's not 100% enjoyable and these comments do not help. Now mine are older I think it would be lovely to spend a day with the little ones again ( I pine a bit if I look over old photos) - notice it's a day, no way would I want to spend a night or more lol! I love having teenagers, I find it lots of fun and I love having time for me again although that is offset by the teens not spending as much time with me. I now think it's going to fast and they will soon be off to uni (scary!) so I suppose we should all try and be in the moment in life.

Totally agree OP. Just ignore the comments. 95% is hard work and repetitive and the remaining 5% are the more joyful bits. Comments like this just heaps on the pressure and makes you feel like you’re doing it wrong when you really aren’t.