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Original poster

To hate ‘enjoy every minute, it goes by in a flash’ comments…

118 replies

Wobblytrouble · 28/12/2024 18:15

I’m a parent to two young children - 3.5 and 9 months. It’s bloody hard work most days - obviously there are flashes of fun and I love them both dearly and try to remain ‘in the moment’ as much as I can. But it’s hard with all of the other stresses of working, running a house, trying to maintain relationship with DH, friends, get enough rest, exercise etc. if I ever speak to anyone about how tough it is people mostly say ‘oh enjoy it while it lasts, it goes by in a flash’… or ‘you’ll miss the cuddles when they’re gone!’ or any other variation of this comment.

I think when you’re feeling overwhelmed that these comments are the worst things that you can say to someone struggling & in the trenches. When you’re vulnerable and sharing your struggles, someone saying ‘enjoy it’ doesn’t change anything or make you feel any better about the situation. It just makes you feel worse for not ‘enjoying every minute’. I think it’s mostly due to people looking back with rose tinted glasses e.g. my mum! Just wondering if I’m alone in this thinking?

OP posts:

tigger1001 · 28/12/2024 22:34

Parenting is hard. All stages can be incredibly stressful and challenging. As well as having good times.

And children are all different. My eldest was dream baby. A good toddler on the most part. But the early teen years were a challenge. And I found myself looking backwards. Plenty people have said to me you lose them for a while and they come back to you. I hated that as I worried he wouldn't. Now that he's 18, I can see it - he's turned the corner of the grumpy teen and is coming back to me.

My youngest didn't sleep until he was three. Was (and still is to a point) a fussy child who would rather starve himself than eat something he didn't know. But he's a chillled out teenager.

Acknowledge to your self that being a parent is one of the hardest things you will do. And other parents may have different challenges to you.

Original poster

Wobblytrouble · 28/12/2024 22:39

User54614664 · 28/12/2024 21:37

Absolutely agree because it carries a subtext of damned if you do and damned if you don't. It's almost a bit sadistic in telling someone to enjoy what they have now because they will regret it later. If someone is literally suicidal on a daily basis, how the fuck can they simply decide to starting "enjoying what they have now" under the emotional pressure that they might regret this later in life. Psychologically it makes no sense and is hugely manipulative.

Personally, there were lots of amazing moments I enjoyed and will treasure for the rest of my life. But I do not actively miss a single second of it. The sleep deprivation, the noise, the endless days, the wrangling of a stroller or pram with a screaming infant, the feeling the world is passing you by, the feeling of being grateful for the tiniest fucking crumbs of respite (like a single hour to go to the supermarket) when the rest of the world gets to have entire holidays undisturbed. The expectation to just carry on no matter how ill or tired you are when everyone else is allowed to rest. I'm glad all of that goes by in a fucking flash because I'm worth far more as person to live in a constant state of indignity and drudgery.

The best part of leaving the younger years behind is that I'm buzzing about all the new experiences I can still look forward to with my child. There is still so much of the world I want to show them and experience together as adults. The baby and toddler years can go deep and buried into the deepest pit of the void, that is how little I desire to experience it again. Again, it doesn't mean I didn't appreciate and treasure the moments with my child, I just don't want any of that back.

And honesty, it doesn't bode very well for a family dynamic if you constantly wallow in the past and the "best" times spent with your children were the years when they were tiny and constantly reliant on you for everything. The longest period you spend with your children will be as adults so why not appreciate that instead?!

Edited

Thank you for this. I could have written it myself…

OP posts:

Waffle19 · 28/12/2024 22:43

I agree with you. It breaks my heart to think of the day my kids are no longer tiny and easily soothed with a cuddle etc and I’m very aware of how quick time is passing. But at the same time it’s bloody seriously hard work and comments like that just make me feel so guilty, it’s hard dealing with the guilt on top of everything else.

LucyG43 · 28/12/2024 22:48

tigger1001 · 28/12/2024 22:34

Parenting is hard. All stages can be incredibly stressful and challenging. As well as having good times.

My youngest didn't sleep until he was three. Was (and still is to a point) a fussy child who would rather starve himself than eat something he didn't know. But he's a chillled out teenager.

Acknowledge to your self that being a parent is one of the hardest things you will do. And other parents may have different challenges to you.

I couldn’t agree more with this, there were dreadful times (in the teenage years) I absolutely wouldn’t want to ever go back to and obviously if someone has a sick baby/child then that must be quite awful. However if just talking about the ordinary baby years then even with a baby that currently has me up every 2-3 hours and is taking me all evening to get to bed (probably from me having eaten something out of the ordinary today with it being Christmas) then I still get what they mean as the parent of adult DC and part of my brain would say exactly the same. Yes right at the moment I just want to get baby settled and have a chill of course but talking about my DC’s babyhood over all then I do realise every cuddle, smile, playtime etc is incredibly precious. Same with the other children, gosh it’s a nightmare getting them ready, out the house etc but those moments watching them run about and play, bedtimes stories etc, you do just wish you could revisit that time with your adult DC again one more time/wish you made more of it

curious79 · 28/12/2024 22:52

It’s like saying ‘at least they had a good innings’ when an elderly loved one dies. Useless and no help or sympathy in the moment

RoseMarigoldViolet · 28/12/2024 23:17

coldcallerbaiter · 28/12/2024 18:28

If you want the truth, then here it is.
Little children are often easier than teens. For some it never stops and they are worried about adult children. The worries change and often you are less in control of the situation to be able to help or solve.
Babies and small children are often simpler.

Show quote history

I think this is true. The teenage years are actually harder.

adamduritzvocalchords · 29/12/2024 14:25

I agree it's difficult to hear and it shouldn't be said. I do however really feel it now my kids are all teenagers and young adults. I did say to my DH this Christmas though that I don't know why people complain about Christmas with young adults as we have had so much fun.

DelilahRay · 31/12/2024 13:20

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the request of the user.

DivineHour · 31/12/2024 13:24

It’s a dopey thing to say, I agree, but on the other hand, you clearly coped enough with the baby/toddler slog to have a second child and opt in all over again. I hated the baby stage, and didn’t have a second child.

zaxxon · 31/12/2024 13:30

Yes, I'm with you 100%. The baby years absolutely do not go by in a flash. When I look back, they seem to have lasted a decade. Every day, week, month just dragged on.

I wouldn't go back for any money.

Expectperspect · 31/12/2024 13:39

Hard agree. I hate that "advice" so much. I love NOW so much more mine are around 10. Do dread the current time passing too quickly though.

I still enjoyed the baby/toddler age and had lots of joyous moments and lessons learnt. It didn't make it any different "wishing time went faster" because it was very hard with no help. And my brain was turning to mush with very young kids all the time. They're so stupid. I much prefer conversing with my kids now.

Expectperspect · 31/12/2024 13:44

That didn't come out right. It is tiring trying or pretending to be fully engaged with very young kids for extended periods of time. No matter how much you love them.

Now i feel like i'm in a golden age of not yet teen but with some independence (rather than maid), intelligence/rationality and good questions. Lots of personality too. I love it.

summershere99 · 31/12/2024 14:01

Those are hard ages to enjoy in all honesty. I probably didn't properly enjoy my DCs until we got to around 5/6 and upwards to about 10/11 which to me is a bit of a golden age of childhood - they're young enough to still want you, want cuddles, and to do fun family stuff, but they're also becoming more independent so you have less to do for them, they are also often funny and interesting and you have less restrictions on meal times etc and a bit more flexibility with bedtimes. I do miss those ages much more than I miss the toddler years (in spite of the cuteness!).

Try to zone out people who make comments about how you should be feeling - it really irks me. I used to dislike it when people (no matter how well meaning) would say similar things. My least favourite was being told I must love being a mum when I had a 2 week old and barely knew what my own name was, was living on about 3 hours of broken sleep, and was second-guessing every decision I made..no I was not loving being a mum. All it did was make me feel guilty because I felt like I should be enjoying it. And it also makes it feel like you can't be honest about how you're really feeling.. I can only presume the people saying it have much older children and have completely forgotten how exhausting very small children are.

Jellycats4life · 31/12/2024 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the request of the user.

And yet you guaranteed that the OP would be saying “enjoy every minute!” to younger parents in ten years time.

I was just offering a counter opinion!

WhatALightbulbMoment · 31/12/2024 14:16

I hated this saying when I had two under two. But now I have 3 kids I realise it's true, and I'm so glad I managed to see the lovely bits of having a toddler and young child with DC3. With the first two, I was overwhelmed by how different reality was to my expectations. With my third, I had learnt to appreciate the good sides, and looking back I feel sad I didn't appreciate my first 2 DC in that way.

Original poster

Wobblytrouble · 31/12/2024 14:31

DivineHour · 31/12/2024 13:24

Oh god yes it was much easier with one - I didn’t really mind it all until we had our second and we’ve been burnt out beyond belief. Otherwise we would have been one and done as you say

OP posts:

Billyandharry · 31/12/2024 14:34

It doesn't feel like a flash when you're in the middle of it ! Grindingly hard work and awful if you're sleep deprived. Keep plodding on op and enjoy those flashes of fun. It's much easier when they're older (in some ways;))

FinallyMovingHouse · 31/12/2024 15:29

Oh gosh, I remember these comments vividly and generally from older women who would now have GCs (I'm almost there!).

I do know what they mean, but when I had a 5, 3 and 1 yr old, I remember thinking that I do wish it would go by in a flash!

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