To hate ‘enjoy every minute, it goes by in a flash’ comments…

[Wobblytrouble]

I’m a parent to two young children - 3.5 and 9 months. It’s bloody hard work most days - obviously there are flashes of fun and I love them both dearly and try to remain ‘in the moment’ as much as I can. But it’s hard with all of the other stresses of working, running a house, trying to maintain relationship with DH, friends, get enough rest, exercise etc. if I ever speak to anyone about how tough it is people mostly say ‘oh enjoy it while it lasts, it goes by in a flash’… or ‘you’ll miss the cuddles when they’re gone!’ or any other variation of this comment.

I think when you’re feeling overwhelmed that these comments are the worst things that you can say to someone struggling & in the trenches. When you’re vulnerable and sharing your struggles, someone saying ‘enjoy it’ doesn’t change anything or make you feel any better about the situation. It just makes you feel worse for not ‘enjoying every minute’. I think it’s mostly due to people looking back with rose tinted glasses e.g. my mum! Just wondering if I’m alone in this thinking?

I hated those comments too OP, I struggled and all they did was make me feel guilty for struggling. For what it's worth, my kids are much more enjoyable now at ages 6.5 and 3. Still hard in ways but easier to soak up the good bits. I don't regret not "enjoying them" more, it was survival mode at that time and I got us through it with them always fed, clean and loved, sometimes that enough!

If it helps I have a few "enjoy every moment " friends, then they had a third and they said that if he/she was their first, they would've only had one.

I think it's meant well. It was said to me a lot (3 DC) and I tried to take it in the way it was meant, which is that yes it can be hard work but it also goes by in a flash and it's easy to get bogged down with finding it hard work and not stopping to enjoy the tiny people you've created 🙂 Now mine are a little older I absolutely think they were right, and whilst I might not always say it I will definitely be thinking it!

Someone said to me ‘The days are long but the years are short’. I prefer that because it acknowledges what a bloody slog day-to-day parenting can be while also pointing out they grow up so fast! I really struggled with DC’s early years but now DS is 10 and I sometimes feel panic at how quickly his childhood is slipping away.

My response is usually "I feel you" - as I also am in the trenches with a 7 year old, 3 year old, 2 year old and in two weeks we will have a newborn 😂 whilst I can see how it does "go by in a flash" having a 7 year old - it also feels like a bloody lifetime and it's hard!

Usually these people's kids are fully grown & self sufficient and they're looking back with rose tinted glasses.

I mean hats off to anyone who has more than 2! There is zero time with 2 so god knows how you manage 3 - and our second is very chilled so far…

Why is this so fucking true?! 😂 My 3rd is a little terror! I love her but I've said it multiple times that if she was my first she would have been my last 🤣

You're not alone. I have a 14 year old daughter (only child), and my life is 100% more enjoyable than it was when she was an under 5. Sure it'd be nice to have another day of my daughter as a toddler, however one day would be sufficent - no more than that 😂 I recall looking on in utter envy at people with older kids!

People who say the 'enjoy it' stuff are patronising arses (by nature, most likely), and best ignored.

I was a single mother to two small kids and Just found it so hard to relate to when people said that to me.

They're now adults, I'm happily married and if I could have them back little again for just a day I wouldn't say no. Easy in hindsight though!

And you can bugger off with this attitude too. Telling struggling mothers to ‘stop moaning’ is incredibly misogynistic and worsens isolation and mental health struggles.

It’s ‘they’re’ not ‘there’, by the way. HTH.

I miss all manner of the parts of life we had when they were this size or that age etc.

But I had a horrific time of it for reasons and whilst I'd love to go back and revisit some of the sweet times, I can't imagine saying something so insensitive to another parent.

I had it said to me too. Made it feel hard to talk things through with other parents, some were unreasonably smug with me all the time. I was a younger mum the first time. I let a similar aged woman who already had a baby, talk down to me like I was an imbecile. I couldn't bring up anything without getting a smug response.

Some of us didn't have the sort of support networks either, to allow us the time to actually appreciate things as much as we'd have liked to. But it doesn't mean we don't make memories and have happy times.

Exactly. I didn't have it easy bringing up a child as a single parent but it's true.

I have blanked out the year I had a baby and a toddler. My subconscious obviously considers it too traumatic to recall!

Primary school are the golden years

You are not unreasonable- I hated the baby stage, and I hated the people who said things like that to me. I am so much happier with a toddler than I was with a baby. There were of course magical moments, but overall I was completely depressed and miserable for the first 10 months.

It's said with love.

I would give the world to have one more day with my children when they were small, I miss the little people so much.

But you can only feel like this after the fact, when you are in the midst of it, it is impossible.

This is the paradox of parenting. When they are little it’s a lot of struggle. When they are older you miss it. It’s not a criticism it just means grab any moments you can. I’m sure you’re doing that anyway!

God I hate these comments/ social media messages! The "only x number of summers", "you'll miss these days one day" etc. Can just get in the bin.

I've got a DD5 and a DS2, DD has been seriously ill for 2 years now with a bucket load of hospital stays, daily treatments etc and our life is so freaking hard.

And then people tell you how awful teens are and that these are the best/easiest years with your children and it sends me into a spiral that one day (hopefully) these awful years will be behind us and we'll find that we lost the "best" years with the kids!

So in summary - yeah I really hate those comments!!

I loved the baby stage and hated the primary school age. Didn’t find the baby and pre school hard.
Mine are young adults now. But I let the housework etc slide.

I had PND too and still feel guilty nearly 30 years later that I should have enjoyed looking after my babies.

It’s not just you OP. I roll my eyes and swear when I see yet another ‘it goes by so fast’ post. Like you I’m doing my best to enjoy my non-sleeping, tanrtuming 21 month old and we have lovely times but I’m so freaking exhausted all the time, sick with nursery bugs and often counting hours till bedtime. It’s easy to wish for those lovely early years a decade later, after 8 hours of sleep, drinking a hot(!) cappuccino and browsing through the old photos for hours because you’ve got the fecking time to yourself.

Agreed,but is OP doing that?

Sounds like it to me. Even if not, maybe she’ll enjoy it more when they are older.

I don't miss a single minute of children being less than 13/14...
It didn't go in a flash ..it was relentlessly grim.
And long
I hate those comments too...and hate all the comments this time of year about Christmas being only magical if you have little children...I hated it...but now it's wonderful with young adults and just as magical without the noise, chaos, squabbling and plastic tatt everywhere

Oh god, this is also my 3rd… what is it about that child that is so hard? She’s nearly 3 now and I swear she’s more work than the other 2 put together 🤦🏼‍♀️

The early years are knackering and relentless. I don’t know why people make out it’s magical. It isn’t.