To hate ‘enjoy every minute, it goes by in a flash’ comments…

[Wobblytrouble]

I’m a parent to two young children - 3.5 and 9 months. It’s bloody hard work most days - obviously there are flashes of fun and I love them both dearly and try to remain ‘in the moment’ as much as I can. But it’s hard with all of the other stresses of working, running a house, trying to maintain relationship with DH, friends, get enough rest, exercise etc. if I ever speak to anyone about how tough it is people mostly say ‘oh enjoy it while it lasts, it goes by in a flash’… or ‘you’ll miss the cuddles when they’re gone!’ or any other variation of this comment.

I think when you’re feeling overwhelmed that these comments are the worst things that you can say to someone struggling & in the trenches. When you’re vulnerable and sharing your struggles, someone saying ‘enjoy it’ doesn’t change anything or make you feel any better about the situation. It just makes you feel worse for not ‘enjoying every minute’. I think it’s mostly due to people looking back with rose tinted glasses e.g. my mum! Just wondering if I’m alone in this thinking?

When you can drink your tea in peace or go to the toilet without wailing in the background..

Absolutely agree because it carries a subtext of damned if you do and damned if you don't. It's almost a bit sadistic in telling someone to enjoy what they have now because they will regret it later. If someone is literally suicidal on a daily basis, how the fuck can they simply decide to starting "enjoying what they have now" under the emotional pressure that they might regret this later in life. Psychologically it makes no sense and is hugely manipulative.

Personally, there were lots of amazing moments I enjoyed and will treasure for the rest of my life. But I do not actively miss a single second of it. The sleep deprivation, the noise, the endless days, the wrangling of a stroller or pram with a screaming infant, the feeling the world is passing you by, the feeling of being grateful for the tiniest fucking crumbs of respite (like a single hour to go to the supermarket) when the rest of the world gets to have entire holidays undisturbed. The expectation to just carry on no matter how ill or tired you are when everyone else is allowed to rest. I'm glad all of that goes by in a fucking flash because I'm worth far more as person to live in a constant state of indignity and drudgery.

The best part of leaving the younger years behind is that I'm buzzing about all the new experiences I can still look forward to with my child. There is still so much of the world I want to show them and experience together as adults. The baby and toddler years can go deep and buried into the deepest pit of the void, that is how little I desire to experience it again. Again, it doesn't mean I didn't appreciate and treasure the moments with my child, I just don't want any of that back.

And honesty, it doesn't bode very well for a family dynamic if you constantly wallow in the past and the "best" times spent with your children were the years when they were tiny and constantly reliant on you for everything. The longest period you spend with your children will be as adults so why not appreciate that instead?!

I have dc in their late teens/early 20's. One is difficult. Problems at this age are actually terrifying.

I thought the early years were tough but they weren't a patch on the tough times of having adult children problems.

If someone says "enjoy these years" they are not lecturing you, imo they are regretting what they will not have again and hoping you will not have what they have either.

With small children you can cuddle it better/limit sugar or screen time. It's not a given it will be more difficult as they get older but from what I see it's a roll of the dice.

Do your best, don't beat yourselves up over small details. Most importantly is: don't lose yourself, your offspring will not thank you for that level of sacrifice. Keep some social life and work life for yourself. And remember you are not the first (or last) parent to feel like you do at given time.

Used to wind me up as well as making me feel guilty.
However looking back nearly 30 years now and I do regret always being stressed and rushed and wish I could have enjoyed the moments more.

This. This is why it stung.

Strongly disagree @SoeurFayre

Having difficulties with and worries about older DC, which I agree is awful, doesn’t justify saying this kind of unhelpful tripe to parents of small DC.

Anyone in their right mind will never, ever say this to a new mother. It's the same as telling someone struggling with infertility to enjoy their lie-ins on the weekends.

The idea that mothers of young DC are distressed because of worrying about ‘small stuff’ or ‘unimportant’ stuff is also - almost always - tripe, and similarly manipulative.

sleep deprivation, post-DC health, domestic or paid work, relationships etc is often not ‘small stuff’

Totally agree, @Loopytiles. Those early years are like a bomb going off in your life, and you have to rebuild it from the ground up.

Which poster has said any of what you've said? I cant see any post that has said sleep deprivation, post-DC health, domestic or paid work, relationships is small stuff?

It never stops being hard no matter they're ages, they just have different challenges. My girls are now 23 and 20 and my boy will forever be 10.

I have to admit I do always say to people enjoy every moment while they are young, but I don't say you'll miss it when they're gone.

I say this because each age has its own challenges but also each age has many achievements and accomplishments to celebrate.

I found so many things exciting. Such as first day of nursery, first day of infants, first day of juniors, first day of high school, joining different clubs at different ages, watching their independence grow, college, uni, proms, learning to drive, first jobs and so many other things in between!

Literally just try and enjoy each and every day and if you need help, ask!

• Their ages 🙄

I think another reason why the phrase irks me because it's entirely from a child-centric view. Of course babies and toddlers are beautiful and precious. However people telling you that never take the mother into account, or rather what the mother might feel about herself during those years that are inextricably linked to the demands of childcare.

The first few years of motherhood is the phase in life where most women lose almost everything they had. Their appearance, body, physical health, mental health, earning power, and if unlucky, their partner as well. Just a glance at MN tells of the secret issues so many women deal with simultaneous to taking care of small children. Some cannot have sex, some are incontinent, some gain weight they can never shift, some have partners that cheat on them or leave them, some never get back on the career ladder. Is the fact that they have children enough to compensate for the lifelong trauma that these experiences bring? And why should they feel in the least guilty for not "missing" that phase once it's over?!

When I first read ‘the days are long but the years are short’ they really resonated with me. And I would repeat it to others because it’s true.
Feels like 5 minutes since I was 15. 5 years til my eldest is. It’s sobering.
When I had my first I hated ‘it’s just a phase’. With my fourth, ‘it’s just a phase’ and knowing it’s definitely true keeps me going.

Not me. My eldest is now 13 so I am literally ten years ahead of OP.

For me life with a 13 year old is a hundred times better than life with a three year old.

I thought 'god I hope so' when someone said that to me. Mine are 8 & 12 now & I love that they can play without constant supervision, I can eat a meal without 20 interruptions and not be cartiing prams, nappy changes etc.

Of course, we have different challenges now, and sometimes when a picture of my children as babies & toddlers pops up it makes me realise they were much easier to please, but I'll never miss it!

What I found helpful, when I was in the baby/toddler years and obviously struggling in public, was when a gran-aged person would look at me sympathetically and say “It gets easier.” They were not wrong. Yes, on an emotional front, parenting even the best behaved teen can be very stressful, but it’s not tiring and it doesn’t generally involve fairly recent surgery 🤣 Or getting a struggling kid into a trolley etc 😀

@NameChanger91736 A poster early in the thread expressed that view about herself back when she had young DC and a couple more have suggested that mothers shouldn’t ‘sweat the small stuff’.

This in spades!!

Op I totally agree with you. I have a 11 month old and 2.25 year old. Very much in the trenches but get these comments all the time. They really trigger me to feel guilty for not enjoying every moment - you are not alone.

My older teens know all of the words to ‘bring me back to life” by Evanessence and in the end by linkin park because this is how I felt and what I would listen to whilst drowning in baby and toddler bullshittery.

I think those “enjoy it…” comments are a little bit Stockholm syndrome because it’s nice to remember your children’s cherubic,smiling faces and forget that they held you hostage It only seems like a flash because you don’t have a minute to yourself. Sometimes you look at people with little kids and think thank fuck that isn’t me anymore but you can’t say that out loud so you say ‘enjoy it’ instead.

Although I have loads of fun memories of my kids when they were younger I’m under no illusion that my life was totally not my own and now it is again, I have time to myself and you will too one day. It’s just that it suddenly becomes quieter and that’s an adjustment.

Having both a young baby, young children and adult DC I would disagree it’s due to a rose tinted view of the past. I am currently pacing around our dark bedroom with our 5 month old in her carrier trying to settle her again after got her to sleep and 3rd attempt to try and put her down just made her very annoyed. . I’m desperate for a shower and some dinner and chill time with hubby (who is still busy getting our other young children to bed) However with adult DC and perspective I do also totally agree with and understand the well meaning ‘goes by in a flash and make the most of it comments. You can’t be expected to enjoy every minute of course and nothing at all wrong with taking a break from the kids to re energise but they are basically saying these days are more precious then you realise at the moment

Gosh this is all so refreshing to read. It seems that some people can be really into the baby phase, or they have really low expectations about how great it’s going to be in the first place. For me, losing almost all of myself has been a huge adjustment and I often feel like I’m just sleep walking through these years with all of the chaos going on around me, I don’t fully tune in a lot of the time. And often try to busy myself with other things like cleaning / doing tasks just to cope. I’m hopeful that as time goes on things will change, not necessarily get easier. I was an absolute tear away teenager so I can only imagine how hard that phase can / must be. I can only hope that I’ll have the tools to deal with it better than I’ve been able to deal with the early years. If it’s all just shit, then bloody hell why does anyone do it in the first place!!

Agree, I think these comments hit especially hard if you have babies or toddlers with any kind of health issues.

TBH I used to say quite bluntly "I think you had a very easy time of it to be able to say something so idiotic"

When you’re in the midsts of baby and toddlerhood, there is nothing harder!
With rose tinted glasses that time has given, I can see why people come out with stuff enjoy every minute, but it’s just incredibly unhelpful at the time.

There's a stage from about 7 (sometimes earlier ) that is pretty awesome. Their interests can align with yours more, they can actually understand shit and be reasoned with (mostly), you can have conversations and a laugh with them , and you don't worry they'll die/kill themselves as soon as you take your eyes off them. Toddler DD used to walk right off the bed.REPEATEDLY!!🙄

Pre teen years have been... I'm almost afraid to say it ... fairly easy here. Sure she was/is hormotional and we had friendships drama, but overall it's been pretty great and we've both enjoyed her increased independence and growing up. Plus we can watch stuff together now that doesn't make me want to scratch my own eyes out, joke and gossip and keep each other company at awkward events. Overall, it's been pretty awesome.

Sure, she might gremlin overnight(turning 13 next month) , but I'm fairly prepared for it /expecting it to happen. Compared to the early years when I had no idea, constantly cried because I broke the baby or banged my head on the wall because she was wailing I looked at her sock wrong and how the fuck do you fix THAT?

I'm also more confident in my ability and fairly sure it will be ok which helps a lot.

TLDR; It's actually not all shit, just hang in there and you will eventually be on the other side of it.