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Original poster

Should I buy them a holiday?

123 replies

Cheesencrumpets · 27/12/2024 15:03

My son is 19, nearly 20. In uni full time. Has looked for a part time job, but no luck at the moment.

I did save for my son to go to uni, gave him in the region of about £8000, but he spent a lot on a gaming PC, a MacBook Pro, a PS5 and some other bits. He has about £2000 left. I’ve also sent him money for shopping and clothes etc, at least once a fortnight.

He’s taken out maximum loan. We don’t get any financial help because my husband and I earn too much. Not great, but too much to qualify. I don’t want him to take out the max, but he did regardless and no doubt will do going forward.

DS is now worrying about a holiday in 2025. He hasn’t asked directly, but we took him on two holidays in 2024. He has mentioned wanting to spend his last £2000 that I saved for him, on a holiday. He knows I don’t want him to do this. I was already so cross about his other purchases, but as soon as that money was transferred there was nothing I could do. So I think he’s waiting for us to offer to take him. But as terrible as this is going to sound, I don’t want to. I feel angry that I saved, which meant I struggled, only for him to blow it on tech, which wasn’t what it was intended for.

I’ve told him that he needs to learn to be more financially responsible. That he needs to prioritise and if he wants luxuries then he needs to try harder to find a job. Otherwise, he needs to keep his money for uni trips (New York in 2026) and other necessities.

At the same time I know it’s hard. Few places are hiring, I’ve looked myself for him, and I feel guilty about having a few holidays booked for myself this coming year, but not helping him have something to look forward to.

Should I be helping him to have a holiday? Is that still part of my role as parent when he will soon turn 20. I left home at 18 and never asked my parents for a penny again. Not that I think he should do this, times have changed, but still. I’m so conflicted.

OP posts:
roobyred · 27/12/2024 15:05

No.

RubyBear81 · 27/12/2024 15:06

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Original poster
Cheesencrumpets · 27/12/2024 15:06

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Sorry, probably should have put him. Yes, just my son.

Guilt. I feel guilty. I want the best for him. I know that means getting him to appreciate the value of money and stand on his own two feet, but I also want to give him the world.

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Paddybare · 27/12/2024 15:08

100% no. He does need to learn that you aren’t an endless source of money. I’d already be fuming if I were you and can totally appreciate your reluctance to help further. I’d also be really clear where you stand on supporting/not supporting further regarding the New York trip.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and this is a perfect scenario for that mantra.

Pedallleur · 27/12/2024 15:13

No. He is an adult. Unless you are able to afford it then you need to say no.

Original poster
Cheesencrumpets · 27/12/2024 15:15

Paddybare · 27/12/2024 15:08

100% no. He does need to learn that you aren’t an endless source of money. I’d already be fuming if I were you and can totally appreciate your reluctance to help further. I’d also be really clear where you stand on supporting/not supporting further regarding the New York trip.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and this is a perfect scenario for that mantra.

Well, this is it. I gave him more than enough to cover extras like the New York Uni trip etc and I would have continued to help him with shopping etc throughout the course of his degree. But I feel like he made really poor choices regarding the tech. I could have handled the MacBook Pro, as he can use it for uni, but the other stuff, the ridiculously expensive gaming PC and a limited edition (so more expensive) PS5 were excessive and ridiculous purchases and not what I saved for.
They’ll be out of date in 5 minutes. He may as well have burned the money. Now he wants a holiday? I don’t want to help him. I guess he needs to feel a bit poor. He needs to worry about money a little bit. But at the same time, I know what money worries feel like, and I feel guilty.

OP posts:
NCNP · 27/12/2024 15:18

I would, if you can comfortably afford it, and if he is a good kid, and would appreciate it. Life is hard for them at this age. Holidays are good for the soul, and will give him happy memories.

JimHalpertsWife · 27/12/2024 15:19

You might give him "the world" but it won't be a good lesson for him. Gifting him financial savvy and making sure he understands the point of working is a dar far more valuable gift.

SunshineAndFizz · 27/12/2024 15:20

A gaming laptop and PS5, with hard earning savings for his uni. And now you want to buy him a holiday too?! No wonder he thinks there's endless pots of cash.

We all want the best for our kids, but sometimes doing too much for them isn't the best, it's teaching them the worst.

It would be a no from me, and I'd probably be asking for the £2000 back so you can ration it for him until he gets a job.

Dodgydodgydodgy · 27/12/2024 15:21

@Cheesencrumpets

You say he took out the maximum maintenance loan is that 9k plus a year or do you earn too much so he only got the 4.5k? It is not clear.

Original poster
Cheesencrumpets · 27/12/2024 15:21

Pedallleur · 27/12/2024 15:13

No. He is an adult. Unless you are able to afford it then you need to say no.

Well, technically I could afford it, using up my meagre savings. But I the overriding feeling is a mixture of not wanting to help him with a holiday and guilt for feeling like this.

Is it so bad to go a year without a holiday? I’m pretty sure I didn’t have any holidays whilst at uni and I worked two jobs. Weekends at Tesco, evenings at a Lloyd’s TSB call centre, totalling 35 hours a week on top of my full time degree. But they don’t do this these days so they? It seems to be so different. They are adolescents for longer, so I don’t know who is being unreasonable.

From reading the response though, I guess people agree with me for the most part, which is reassuring.

OP posts:
usernother · 27/12/2024 15:21

Absolutely not. It's that kind of thinking that has led to him wasting most of the lump sum you gave him, while still taking money from you for clothes and shopping. He sounds very spoilt OP, and he'll never learn anything while you continue to indulge him. Your choice.

Octavia64 · 27/12/2024 15:21

He can sell the tech.

No, I wouldn't sort the holiday.

He needs to experience not being able to
Buy things and then he'll get better at budgeting.

My son bought a lot of music instruments and tech at the start of
His course. Some got sold on the way through.

SophWin · 27/12/2024 15:22

I think you are enabling him.

Tough love. He has to work to earn his treats. You have been generous.

At the very least I would be saying….”when you get a job and save towards your holiday, I will add (an amount) to your pot. Maybe a couple of hundred.
Gives him something to work towards.

TheFlis · 27/12/2024 15:22

Good lord no! He can sell some of the tech for a deposit then work over the summer holidays to fund the rest of it if he is so desperate for a holiday.

Original poster
Cheesencrumpets · 27/12/2024 15:23

Dodgydodgydodgy · 27/12/2024 15:21

@Cheesencrumpets

You say he took out the maximum maintenance loan is that 9k plus a year or do you earn too much so he only got the 4.5k? It is not clear.

We are in Wales, so he took out the max maintenance loan which is £12000 on top of his £9000 course. He gets an automatic £1000 grant in Wales, which puts him at a debt total of £20,000 a year. Which I was trying to avoid for him.

OP posts:
YourAlertBlueBear · 27/12/2024 15:23

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usernother · 27/12/2024 15:25

@Cheesencrumpets
Is it so bad to go a year without a holiday? I’m pretty sure I didn’t have any holidays whilst at uni and I worked two jobs. Weekends at Tesco, evenings at a Lloyd’s TSB call centre, totalling 35 hours a week on top of my full time degree. But they don’t do this these days so they? It seems to be so different. They are adolescents for longer, so I don’t know who is being unreasonable.

I can't believe I'm reading this. Yes, lots of students work long hours. I worked with some last year in a department store. It's only the students with rich parents that don't need to. They are not adolescents, they are adults, but if you want to keep him a child to make yourself feel better, crack on.

Dodgydodgydodgy · 27/12/2024 15:27

Wales is ace! Can you get the 12 k maintenance loan without any parental assessment? What degree is he doing?

He is over spending if he has 12 k a year and top ups from you too.

How many years has he got left?

wakeboarder · 27/12/2024 15:27

I find it hard to believe he couldn't get a job in Wetherspoons, McDonald's, a supermarket. Alot of these places also allow you to transfer back to your home town during the uni holidays too. I absolutely think he needs to learn to budget and no if he was my son I would not be paying for his holiday.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/12/2024 15:27

Doing the best for him is making him financially responsible, abd when he's not (Facebook, PS5 etc), he has to learn the hard way. He's a student, he doesn't need a holiday.

If you keep pandering to him you are going to make him into a financially irresponsible idiot - stop.

Stop buying his food, that's what his grant is for.

DailyCake · 27/12/2024 15:27

Firm No. DC got a job as a waiter while at uni, plus a loan. We are comfortably off, but wanted DC to learn about the value of money and financial responsibility.
Helping your DS to understand delayed gratification is a valuable life lesson.

Original poster
Cheesencrumpets · 27/12/2024 15:30

usernother · 27/12/2024 15:25

@Cheesencrumpets
Is it so bad to go a year without a holiday? I’m pretty sure I didn’t have any holidays whilst at uni and I worked two jobs. Weekends at Tesco, evenings at a Lloyd’s TSB call centre, totalling 35 hours a week on top of my full time degree. But they don’t do this these days so they? It seems to be so different. They are adolescents for longer, so I don’t know who is being unreasonable.

I can't believe I'm reading this. Yes, lots of students work long hours. I worked with some last year in a department store. It's only the students with rich parents that don't need to. They are not adolescents, they are adults, but if you want to keep him a child to make yourself feel better, crack on.

No, genuinely I don’t. I feel angry about the savings he got from me. I feel angry that he hasn’t gotten a job. But I feel guilty for feeling angry, but he is also a sweetheart and I love him to bits. I’m trying to figure it out. I know I need to be a stronger parent to make him a stronger person. His failings will be on me, if I keep as people say ‘enabling him’.

OP posts:
Paganpentacle · 27/12/2024 15:30

Dodgydodgydodgy · 27/12/2024 15:27

Wales is ace! Can you get the 12 k maintenance loan without any parental assessment? What degree is he doing?

He is over spending if he has 12 k a year and top ups from you too.

How many years has he got left?

You do realise it has to paid back ? Its a loan- not a grant..

MaidOfSteel · 27/12/2024 15:32

He has already shown you just how unappreciative he is, by wasting your savings on a gaming computer.
You are also, apparently, buying his clothes and food. Does he also spend his loan on boozing?
No. I really don't think you should spend your own savings on more luxuries for him. You've already made a rod for your own back. Stop giving in to him. Treat yourself instead. You earned it.