Should I buy them a holiday?

[Cheesencrumpets]

My son is 19, nearly 20. In uni full time. Has looked for a part time job, but no luck at the moment.

I did save for my son to go to uni, gave him in the region of about £8000, but he spent a lot on a gaming PC, a MacBook Pro, a PS5 and some other bits. He has about £2000 left. I’ve also sent him money for shopping and clothes etc, at least once a fortnight.

He’s taken out maximum loan. We don’t get any financial help because my husband and I earn too much. Not great, but too much to qualify. I don’t want him to take out the max, but he did regardless and no doubt will do going forward.

DS is now worrying about a holiday in 2025. He hasn’t asked directly, but we took him on two holidays in 2024. He has mentioned wanting to spend his last £2000 that I saved for him, on a holiday. He knows I don’t want him to do this. I was already so cross about his other purchases, but as soon as that money was transferred there was nothing I could do. So I think he’s waiting for us to offer to take him. But as terrible as this is going to sound, I don’t want to. I feel angry that I saved, which meant I struggled, only for him to blow it on tech, which wasn’t what it was intended for.

I’ve told him that he needs to learn to be more financially responsible. That he needs to prioritise and if he wants luxuries then he needs to try harder to find a job. Otherwise, he needs to keep his money for uni trips (New York in 2026) and other necessities.

At the same time I know it’s hard. Few places are hiring, I’ve looked myself for him, and I feel guilty about having a few holidays booked for myself this coming year, but not helping him have something to look forward to.

Should I be helping him to have a holiday? Is that still part of my role as parent when he will soon turn 20. I left home at 18 and never asked my parents for a penny again. Not that I think he should do this, times have changed, but still. I’m so conflicted.

The moment he said its his money to spend how he likes it would of stopped giving him money so he learns thay lesson.

Don't give.him may more not even for new York. He has time to get a job and save up for it or budget his loan money next yr better to ensure he can afford it.

Christ I had a job throughout uni cos I felt bad for using the mone my parents would occasionally give me on going out. They gave me £500 every 3 months that was for food and clothes and books. So if I wanted to go out etc. I got a job to pay for it.

Glad to see you are saying no otherwise he will expect help throughout his life. Help buy him furniture or a house etc... without leanrijg to sacrifice things like holidays.

I was a sensible teen, but if someone gave me 8k at 18 (or the 1986 equivalent), I’d likely have burned through it pretty quickly. I don’t understand people who scrimp and save for their children (and in their children’s names), leaving themselves short. If your savings are “meagre” then why would you want to pay for his holiday?

Yes, save for your children if you wish but unless you have so much spare cash you’ve used up your ISA allowances AND you don’t mind your hard earned being pissed up a wall, then for god’s sake save it in your own name.

My DDs will likely have about £1k in their own name at 18 (child trust fund). I’m happy for them to blow that if they want, but anything else I save for their potential use will be under my control. If they want more they can earn it like I did!

Oh god, this is my big fear: that my children will grow up with this attitude to money. Particularly other people's money.

This isn't money worries! Money worries is not being able to afford the bills, rent and food. Not being able to go on holiday is annoying, not a money worry.
Also, there are jobs around. I suspect your child is slightly entitled and needing a job isn't so urgent to him given he has money on tap. Gaming also takes up a lot of time!

I wouldn't have given him that amount of money all at once and I'd take the £2000 back and give it to him in increments he needs to learn how to budget each month. I went to uni not that long ago, I don't come from a well off family, I worked two jobs. He's never had that worry he knows you will just bail him out so it's not really teaching him any life lessons, he will leave uni still expecting that financial backup. You need to start preparing him to be financially stable on his own.

why would you presume that? Why would they be more likely to have free use of a gym than free food or free accommodation or transport or anything else?
Maybe students doing a sport science degree might have access to relevant facilities included as part of their tuition but I haven't heard of it anywhere else, although lots of places will do student discounts.

Universities are businesses these days, they won't give away anything they can squeeze even more money out of their "customers" for. Although we didn't get free gym when I was in uni nearly 20 years ago either.

If you really care then you won’t. Tough love and all that. Best thing you can do is instil some sense of responsibility in him.

He's from Wales so gets £12,000/year. (a lot more than students in Scotland!)

We managed to save a decent amount for DS CTF - enough to cover his living costs for his uni degree . DH worried for months before DS turned 18 that he would get his hands on it and fritter it away. Thankfully DS agreed to have the money doled out monthly.

Honestly, I think it's wrong that DCs have full unfettered access to money that has been saved for them, as soon as they are 18. With the benefit of hindsight, I would have taken the reduced tax breaks and saved for DS in an ISA to retain control on the money. Very few 18 year olds make sensible spending decisions.

In your case, take back whatever is left of the £8k and drip feed it.
We pay for DS to come on holiday if he comes with us, but if you can't afford it that is fair enough. I would have an honest conversation with him, point out that you simply don't have enough money to take him and he needs to stop hinting. If he wants to come, he sells some of his gaming equipment, or lives more frugally. Or he gets a job - yes jobs are harder to come by, but if he really wanted one he would have one, I am frustrated at DS who could have a job in a local restaurant by now as I have a contact who could put in a word, but he wants to enjoy himself. Fine - but no extra money from us.

But on Scotland free tuition!

When I posted she hadn't explained that they were in Wales BTW.

No.
He can come on cheap holiday with you that you can afford
but if he wants to splurge himself he has to save Up
No 19 year old needs a 2k holiday he can go camping for r 200 with his mates

I wish I’d done similar with the money. I mentioned earlier that it wasn’t my intention that he should get it in one go. I was going to continue saving into the account and was going to pay for his accommodation from it. So he would have gotten about £2500 at the start of each term to pay the accommodation. Then help with shopping in between. He would have only ever had to have the student loan to cover the uni fees, meaning in Wales he would have had an overall debt at the end of at most £24,000. Instead he’ll have £60,000 debt.

But, I named him on the bank account without realising that on his 18th birthday I’d be removed from that account and it would be made available to him. It must have been in the small print somewhere, but I set the account up online as a branched off account from my own. I couldn’t have read the terms correctly. It came as a shock.

DH wouldn’t take it back once it had transferred and DS was excited and made purchases without any discussion beforehand, even though we had explained what it was for. He disagreed with not taking out the £12,000 additional maintenance loan, he wanted to take every penny available to him. It caused a lot of rows. DH said to leave him to it, it’s his money and he has to learn the hard way. DH would not take back the £2000….even though I might add, it’s all MY savings. Still, I’m not getting that money back either way.

He was invited on our holiday. But we go to the same place every year and stay in a house that requires transport to get anywhere. DS doesn’t want to come with us. He wants a week in Thailand or Greece, on his own. Even if I could comfortably afford to pay for this, I don’t want to for two reasons. He has not helped himself with money or got a job and I also don’t feel it’s safe to go to Thailand alone. But hey-ho, he’ll probably waste the last £2000 taking himself.

DH says let him. And then stop paying for things. When he phones saying ‘I need to get shopping but I haven’t got much money’ (because he doesn’t directly ask for money) DH thinks I should say ‘Oh that’s a bit rubbish. Have you thought about getting a job? I hope you can work it out? Perhaps dad and I can send you some tinned bits to tide you over’.

I also went on his Indeed account and looked at the history of jobs he’s applied for, including ones I linked him to. He did not apply for them.

He’s not a bad kid. He doesn’t drink excessively or do drugs. He doesn’t commit crimes, he’s never been in trouble with the police. He works hard on his course. He gets good grades. He’s got lots of lovely qualities. He just does not understand the value of money or appreciate working for what you want. I take full blame for that, because I’ve always given to him, so it’s what he’s learned to expect. So I am not looking to punish him now, but I am looking to do what I should have done sooner and let him feel uncomfortable and force him to have to think about getting a job. I will 100% not pay for or even contribute towards his holiday. He’s had enough luxury items from me. I’m feeling much stronger about it all after posting.

This is part of adult life. You don’t get a holiday every year, especially not if you aren’t working. Dh and I are relatively high earners. We don’t get a holiday every year. And some years, I just take myself away not my dc (who are still actual small children who live at home). If he wants to go on a holiday, he can get a job (there are always jobs doing something, Dh once worked through a temp agency picking watercress!). Or he can sell some of the stuff he’s bought.

Heavens! It never occurred to me that students should go on holiday. My 2 DC came home and went straight to work, every vacation. How is he ever going to learn to be responsible?

Giveaway is in my username, but I worked 40 ish hours a week throughout my 4 year course and came out with a 1st - the point being is that it can be done and certainly on a media course. I am one of three and my sister (also on a "softer" course than law, or my brothers engineering degree) claimed there were no jobs in the city her university was in and my dad (who lost a business and couldn't support us) sent her grocery money weekly. My brother and I knew she just didn't want to work, but on reflection her husband she met in first year worked at screw fix and her friend (my brothers wife now!) worked part time at Tesco and a bar.... not sure how that adds up! We grew up comfortably until I was about 15 when my dad was made redundant, then lost a business he started and I've worked since.

Some kids need a bit more of a push/shove than others to see the writing on the wall.

On the other extreme, I didn't go on holiday for four years at once point. I'd not advocate your son doing that, but he needs to recognise he's not entitled to a £2k holiday and if he doesn't work or get experience in his industry during all his "free time" to bolster his CV he will end up as an adult who will never be able to afford that holiday he thinks he's entitled to!

Be brave and firm. Ask for a copy of his cv and you send it to jobs for him - see what excuse he makes when he doesn't respond to interview offers you can see 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Bravo x10

He clearly doesn’t appreciate or understand the value of money or how lucky he is and he never will at this rate.

No you should not pay for a holiday if he wants a holiday or any other luxuries he gets a job.

You shouldn't be giving him the world at this point. You have given him the tools to do that for himself. He is literally wasting your money and not appreciating it at all. There's no point of wasting even more on a holiday of all things.

He says he's an adult so he can find a way to afford his own holidays then. There's no way I would have spent my parents money on those things and there's no way I'd take my kid on holidays after wasting money like that. Yes you can't control what he spends gifted money on, doesn't mean you can't be disappointed or refuse to give him more to piss away. The best thing you can do for him right now is leave him to it with his money. No more handouts until he's learnt to manage his money. You're not teaching him anything good by funding a holiday on top of that stupid amount of spending. Rent, bills and food come first, if he wants a holiday he can save up and doing something cheap like backpacking over summer holidays.

I’ve stuffed up with my son too :(

I had the brilliant idea to give the 2 kids a launch of 10,000 when they turned 18… my daughter eeeked hers out for a couple of years, festivals, tech, a trip to Europe (we are in nz)

my son, well, I gave his to him at 19 as he was so much more immature. First 5,0000 on a shitter of a car that sits in our driveway with no warrant.

i messaged the family chat yesterday, and advised they are both off the payroll. And reading this thread, I’m sticking to it. I’ve been foolish

we are away at the moment with friends… so far, have paid off one sons student loan at age 33, paid for one sons flights (about 200 bucks) for a family weekend as he couldn’t afford it (age 38), another kid stuck overseas not coming home because they have defaulted on their loans

its depressing. Glad we have seen the light! Go us xxx

Your kids are in their 30s and still relying on you?

Absolutely not - as the youngest of 3 in her 30s, you need to stop now. I was handed my own phone bill to pay aged 19 and that was the last thing I had help with - my dad did it kindly by waiting until renewal then it was on me to keep my phone and go cheap sim only or choose to pay for an upgrade.

Financial gifts to your kids in their 30s should be for big occasions or absolute emergencies like losing a spouse, job etc and being evicted or something extreme and enforceable. (Even then, parents should be a last, not a first resort unless you're particularly wealthy!)

Good luck and well done.

No he is emotionally manipulating you

no, friends of ours bailing out their kids. I’ve stopped mine as of now, my kids 19 and 20

that’s in answer to lawyer199112