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Original poster

Should I buy them a holiday?

123 replies

Cheesencrumpets · 27/12/2024 15:03

My son is 19, nearly 20. In uni full time. Has looked for a part time job, but no luck at the moment.

I did save for my son to go to uni, gave him in the region of about £8000, but he spent a lot on a gaming PC, a MacBook Pro, a PS5 and some other bits. He has about £2000 left. I’ve also sent him money for shopping and clothes etc, at least once a fortnight.

He’s taken out maximum loan. We don’t get any financial help because my husband and I earn too much. Not great, but too much to qualify. I don’t want him to take out the max, but he did regardless and no doubt will do going forward.

DS is now worrying about a holiday in 2025. He hasn’t asked directly, but we took him on two holidays in 2024. He has mentioned wanting to spend his last £2000 that I saved for him, on a holiday. He knows I don’t want him to do this. I was already so cross about his other purchases, but as soon as that money was transferred there was nothing I could do. So I think he’s waiting for us to offer to take him. But as terrible as this is going to sound, I don’t want to. I feel angry that I saved, which meant I struggled, only for him to blow it on tech, which wasn’t what it was intended for.

I’ve told him that he needs to learn to be more financially responsible. That he needs to prioritise and if he wants luxuries then he needs to try harder to find a job. Otherwise, he needs to keep his money for uni trips (New York in 2026) and other necessities.

At the same time I know it’s hard. Few places are hiring, I’ve looked myself for him, and I feel guilty about having a few holidays booked for myself this coming year, but not helping him have something to look forward to.

Should I be helping him to have a holiday? Is that still part of my role as parent when he will soon turn 20. I left home at 18 and never asked my parents for a penny again. Not that I think he should do this, times have changed, but still. I’m so conflicted.

OP posts:
Gloriia · 27/12/2024 16:36

StormingNorman · 27/12/2024 16:29

I’m furious on your behalf OP. What a waste of all that money - it’s verging on being disrespectful to have used it so frivolously.

He's her son. Surely she'd have had an inkling on his budgeting abilities by the time he hit uni? One of ours would blow it too whilst another would squirrel it away and be sensible.

WhatTheFuk · 27/12/2024 16:43

godmum56 · 27/12/2024 15:49

He is not a sweetheart, he is a spoiled idle little toad.

This. He's not a sweetheart, he sounds a nasty piece of work who is quite happily taking advantage of you. Telling you the savings can't come with conditions, indeed... blowing it and a very decent income on living it large whilst you work and save for his food and clothes, still?

"Worrying about a holiday"?!? Ridiculous.

buttonousmaximous · 27/12/2024 16:46

In hindsight it would have been better to spread the savings out rather than a lump sum. But it's up to him how he spends it. I wouldn't give anymore.

My dd got a 10k inheritance at 18 and spent it on clothes, makeup, merch, latest phone, Apple Watch, iPad and Apple laptop plus takeaways and general crap. I was not impressed. She is 5 years older and regrets it now.

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General money
kerstina · 27/12/2024 16:54

buttonousmaximous · 27/12/2024 16:46

In hindsight it would have been better to spread the savings out rather than a lump sum. But it's up to him how he spends it. I wouldn't give anymore.

My dd got a 10k inheritance at 18 and spent it on clothes, makeup, merch, latest phone, Apple Watch, iPad and Apple laptop plus takeaways and general crap. I was not impressed. She is 5 years older and regrets it now.

An inheritance is different though isn’t it . That really was hers to spend as she chose whether she regretted it or not.

DailyCake · 27/12/2024 16:55

OP, I didn't mean to upset you. If it helps, I'm a former Careers Adviser. All is not lost as if DS finds that a job using his Media degree doesn't work out careerwise, he could always retrain in Cyber Security later on.

You might find this blog useful in future. NB, It is American but the advice still applies.

kerstina · 27/12/2024 16:57

Dodgydodgydodgy · 27/12/2024 16:23

I would take a more positive stance. We paid our DS’s gym membership in his first year £350.00 (on top of 8k Halls as he gets minimum maintenance loan to live on England). We helped him with his budget and said next year you need to save x amount every week to pay for this gym membership yourself. He did save this amount and because we were proud of him for budgeting we decided to pay his gym membership again in his second year. Again we have said he needs to save for his third year Gym membership out of his budget. We may pay again depends on our financial commitments next September.

If I could afford it I would pay for a holiday if he proved he had been able to budget better.

Edited

I presumed Uni students got free use of a gym and sports facilities. Is that not the case ? Or is it for when he is back home ?

Boomer55 · 27/12/2024 16:57

Cheesencrumpets · 27/12/2024 15:03

My son is 19, nearly 20. In uni full time. Has looked for a part time job, but no luck at the moment.

I did save for my son to go to uni, gave him in the region of about £8000, but he spent a lot on a gaming PC, a MacBook Pro, a PS5 and some other bits. He has about £2000 left. I’ve also sent him money for shopping and clothes etc, at least once a fortnight.

He’s taken out maximum loan. We don’t get any financial help because my husband and I earn too much. Not great, but too much to qualify. I don’t want him to take out the max, but he did regardless and no doubt will do going forward.

DS is now worrying about a holiday in 2025. He hasn’t asked directly, but we took him on two holidays in 2024. He has mentioned wanting to spend his last £2000 that I saved for him, on a holiday. He knows I don’t want him to do this. I was already so cross about his other purchases, but as soon as that money was transferred there was nothing I could do. So I think he’s waiting for us to offer to take him. But as terrible as this is going to sound, I don’t want to. I feel angry that I saved, which meant I struggled, only for him to blow it on tech, which wasn’t what it was intended for.

I’ve told him that he needs to learn to be more financially responsible. That he needs to prioritise and if he wants luxuries then he needs to try harder to find a job. Otherwise, he needs to keep his money for uni trips (New York in 2026) and other necessities.

At the same time I know it’s hard. Few places are hiring, I’ve looked myself for him, and I feel guilty about having a few holidays booked for myself this coming year, but not helping him have something to look forward to.

Should I be helping him to have a holiday? Is that still part of my role as parent when he will soon turn 20. I left home at 18 and never asked my parents for a penny again. Not that I think he should do this, times have changed, but still. I’m so conflicted.

No, I’ve got 3 grandkids at uni. They all work part time to fund holidays etc 🤷‍♀️

User346897543 · 27/12/2024 16:57

Bollocks he couldn't get a job

CarpetTroubles · 27/12/2024 17:00

Cheesencrumpets · 27/12/2024 15:21

Well, technically I could afford it, using up my meagre savings. But I the overriding feeling is a mixture of not wanting to help him with a holiday and guilt for feeling like this.

Is it so bad to go a year without a holiday? I’m pretty sure I didn’t have any holidays whilst at uni and I worked two jobs. Weekends at Tesco, evenings at a Lloyd’s TSB call centre, totalling 35 hours a week on top of my full time degree. But they don’t do this these days so they? It seems to be so different. They are adolescents for longer, so I don’t know who is being unreasonable.

From reading the response though, I guess people agree with me for the most part, which is reassuring.

Show quote history

Using your savings isn’t being able to afford it.

I think you’re insane for considering taking a grown up son on holiday with you. And I think you’re crazy for sending him money every fortnight when he wasted what you’ve already given him. If he wants a holiday he has to earn money. If he wants to buy clothes he can sell his gaming PC.

Stop treating him like a toddler. You’re doing him no favours.

Dodgydodgydodgy · 27/12/2024 17:03

kerstina · 27/12/2024 16:57

I presumed Uni students got free use of a gym and sports facilities. Is that not the case ? Or is it for when he is back home ?

Show quote history

Not at the Uni my DS is at students have to pay. I think sports scholars get it free.

He pays for his own at home the council one near us went up-to £40 for 1 month even for students so he chose a back street lifting gym instead for £20 for 1 month and he’s made loads of friends there😂 He is a medical student so they are always telling him about all their and their families ailments, local deaths etc. We live up North so talking freely about such things is not frowned upon in our area.

FinallyHere · 27/12/2024 17:06

But as terrible as this is going to sound, I don’t want to

This is not in any way terrible. You have not had good value from the money you saved for him. I would let him blow through the rest the future only ever actually pay for individual things for him. And wait a while to pay for anything at all until he has earned and paid for something himself. Maybe even more things.

Whatever you do, do not pay any more for him. It's not kind to let him think there is a bottomless pit of money available to him.

SpicyMarge · 27/12/2024 17:10

He has no job, little money, lots of debt and what’s worrying him is a holiday?

Seriously OP, you’re doing him zero favours here by even thinking of pandering to him.

Cocothecoconut · 27/12/2024 17:12

He wants a holiday then he finds a job and saves for one
you are not a bank
does he feel guilty spending a shit load on a ps5 ? I doubt it

fruitbrewhaha · 27/12/2024 17:17

godmum56 · 27/12/2024 15:49

He is not a sweetheart, he is a spoiled idle little toad.

Yeah this. You’re not helping him, you’re raising a spoilt brat. I can’t believe he has taken your hard earned savings and blown it on tech with an attitude of “it’s my money I can do what I like”.

I hope you cut him off from any more handouts.

Richiewoo · 27/12/2024 17:18

Absolutely not. He needs to learn the value of money. A holiday is a luxury not a necessity.

Aligirlbear · 27/12/2024 17:18

Unfortunately you have enabled your DS to become an entitled adult child with little understanding of the value of money and the need to work for things. With a degree in Media he will be earning well below the average salary so not great prospects for maintaining the lifestyle you have enabled.

Like you if it were my DS I would be furious if he had "blown" the money on tech, but his expectations are based on how you have enabled him. He needs to learn some harsh life lessons which include no holiday if he can't budget appropriately. As for not being able to get a part time job - don't believe it, there are any number of part time jobs in retail / hospitality. Might not be what he thinks he should be doing but that's life and how you learn.

Might sound harsh but you need to stop enabling him, set out clear expectations of what is expected and how he needs to budget accordingly to finance his lifestyle.

YouBelongWithMe · 27/12/2024 17:19

I think you've tried hard to make sure he wants for nothing and inadvertently created a problem with entitlement.

I would not be giving him money in your situation.

We're the opposite - I will continue to fund holidays for as long as they want to come with us, but we expect them to be much more financially independent. My son is 17 and he has saved up £3k this year from a part time job. The account has matured and he's taken some out for driving lessons (paid for himself) and tech upgrade, but had already asked for extra shifts over the holidays to replenish his savings. He pays for his own food outwith main meals at home, his own phone contract, all his clothes and technology. He has worked part time since 16 and will continue to do so through uni.

Being financially literate is a key life skill. He needs to learn how to budget and the value of money he has earned before he leaves uni. The skills developed through part -time work are just as important as the financial renumeration - they need to learn how to navigate a work place in an environment where it's not high stakes, this-is-the-beginning-of-my-career.

HardenYourHeart · 27/12/2024 17:20

Nope, stop bailing him out. Managing money needs to be learned the hard way. I am sure he's had good advice. Now he needs to learn what happens when you spend your money on non-essentials and don't have anything left for the things you really want/need to do.

Time to take of the training wheel.

crockofshite · 27/12/2024 17:20

Your son has marked you as an easy target.

He sounds like a dead loss.

If he's so desperate for a holiday he can sell his shiny new tech

flutterby1 · 27/12/2024 17:29

Hard life lesson for him. I'd be fuming about him spending on game consoles.,it's a NO

Spirallingdownwards · 27/12/2024 17:32

You do realise though that if he is on the minimum maintenance loan for uni there is an expectation that the parents should top up the loan to what the maximum loan would be because they haven't git more because of your income

LonelyInDville · 27/12/2024 17:32

No. He wont die from not going on holiday for a year. I know many kids and adults that haven't taken a holiday in years (including myself) and we're fine.

TwinkleLights24 · 27/12/2024 17:37

Sounds like he’s had more than enough.

Cakemaker2222 · 27/12/2024 17:38

I wouldn’t want my child to worry about money for life’s essentials, but he can do without a holiday for a year or two during university. I’d be angry about the tech splurge too. He needs to feel the consequences to learn from his mistake.

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 27/12/2024 17:41

I don't know where you are going with this OP - you say you want to give him the world but you are angry with him and you can afford it but only if you spend your "meagre savings". If they really are that meagre, then you can't give him anything, regardless of what you feel?

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