Should I buy them a holiday?

[Cheesencrumpets]

My son is 19, nearly 20. In uni full time. Has looked for a part time job, but no luck at the moment.

I did save for my son to go to uni, gave him in the region of about £8000, but he spent a lot on a gaming PC, a MacBook Pro, a PS5 and some other bits. He has about £2000 left. I’ve also sent him money for shopping and clothes etc, at least once a fortnight.

He’s taken out maximum loan. We don’t get any financial help because my husband and I earn too much. Not great, but too much to qualify. I don’t want him to take out the max, but he did regardless and no doubt will do going forward.

DS is now worrying about a holiday in 2025. He hasn’t asked directly, but we took him on two holidays in 2024. He has mentioned wanting to spend his last £2000 that I saved for him, on a holiday. He knows I don’t want him to do this. I was already so cross about his other purchases, but as soon as that money was transferred there was nothing I could do. So I think he’s waiting for us to offer to take him. But as terrible as this is going to sound, I don’t want to. I feel angry that I saved, which meant I struggled, only for him to blow it on tech, which wasn’t what it was intended for.

I’ve told him that he needs to learn to be more financially responsible. That he needs to prioritise and if he wants luxuries then he needs to try harder to find a job. Otherwise, he needs to keep his money for uni trips (New York in 2026) and other necessities.

At the same time I know it’s hard. Few places are hiring, I’ve looked myself for him, and I feel guilty about having a few holidays booked for myself this coming year, but not helping him have something to look forward to.

Should I be helping him to have a holiday? Is that still part of my role as parent when he will soon turn 20. I left home at 18 and never asked my parents for a penny again. Not that I think he should do this, times have changed, but still. I’m so conflicted.

This is a huge problem in how people live now.

holidays, a ps5, Netflix, latest mobile phone, nails, new clothes each season, and haircuts all seen as ‘necessities’ (pointing more towards females here at the end as men do need haircuts ideally!)

he does not NEED a holiday. He NEEDS food. He has 2k to cover it.

if he runs out of money it is on him. Sell the PS5, the gaming PC, whatever.

Come to an arrangement where you pay a percentage and he pays the rest. I think that shows that you are willing to help, but he must do the rest. If he really wants a holiday he will do it. If he doesnt agree, thats for him to deal with.

They are all entitled to the max loan. My wages weren’t assessed as we knew he wouldn’t get help. Basically he gets £1000 from the government as all students do, and then the £11,000 is a loan. The less your parents earn, the less of that £11,000 is a loan and more is a grant.

So, for example, my friends child gets £12,000 a year also, but only £4000 of that is a loan, the rest is a grant due to her parents wages.

He’s got two more years. Studying media. Will come out at this rate with a debt of £60,000.

@Paganpentacle I believe there is a precipice whereby certain low paid professions pay back the same regardless of the amount loaned. That is why I asked about the degree and future earnings.

He wasted 6k… ridiculous.

You should have gave it to him in instalments and no I wouldn’t be paying for a holiday for him.

That was my intention, and I was going to also continue to save for him. But I rather stupidly named him on the account and it automatically transferred to him. His attitude was that it was a gift and shouldn’t come with conditions. That made me very very angry. It was too much in one go and he couldn’t handle it. I should have saved in my own account.

Cheesencrumpets
In your heart, you clearly already know the right answer.

Try to resist the 'easy' short-term way out, the one that briefly makes you feel good but will almost certainly just perpetuate the problem(s).

Do what you know is most likely to be better for your DS in the long run. In fact not just for him, but potentially for future generations too!

Utter piss take, I'd be fuming.
You really aren't doing him any favours, or yourself but you didn't seem to care about yourself so that doesn't matter

Thanks all.

I am going to say an outright no to contributing towards any holiday.

I will tell him that the £2000 is for his trip in 2026, and I will not be paying for that again, so if he wastes the £2000 before then, he doesn’t go on the trip.

I will not be handing any large sums of cash over again. I will no longer pay for clothes during the year. I will just help him out now and again with food.

I love him to bits, but as you say, he has to learn or I’ll be doing him a disservice long term.

He is not a sweetheart, he is a spoiled idle little toad.

How much is his accommodation? If he has £12k maintenance loan, how much is halls/rent?
Say it's £8k (is it catered or not). So he has £4k for expenses. Plus you gave him £8k (bad move on your part - should have divided it by the length of his course, or if you anticipated it as being top up as he wouldn't have max loan, then monthly). He's spent £6k of that (and probably a fair amount of his maintenance). Plus you have given him extra? Now wants more? Forget it!
My DD's halls (catered) is just under £10k. She gets almost full maintenance, so just under £9k. She also has a grant from the university which pays the difference between loan and halls. And this leaves her with about £40/week for personal expenses, socialising and societies during term time. I give her nothing currently. I do pay for her phone and train ticket home. She has managed fine and will have some left over, so she hasn't needed to get a job this holiday (though will work over the summer).
Your child has taken advantage of your generosity but even so should still have plenty to live on the rest of the uni year.

I am really pleased with the responses, even the harsh ones as it’s really alleviated the guilt that’s made me my own worst enemy and probably his too. DS went to a very good state school, but a high performing one, filled with children whose parents bought them Audis when they passed their driving tests and lived in big homes etc. We didn’t earn nearly as much as some of those families, so compared to his friends, DS looked to have little, although compared to other children, DS would be seen to be positively spoiled and very lucky. It all sort of gave me a false sense of what I should be doing for him. But I do want him to learn, so I’m going to do better by us both.

Instead of worrying about having to pay back approx £60k, as a mum, I would be more worried that graduates with a degree in Media Studies earn £22k on avg. five years after graduating. This means that DS will need to show his potential value to an employer. Competing for and holding down a part-time job whilke studying is part way to demonstrating this.

Sorry but your ungrateful lump of a son is taking the piss out of you. I would bet my house the entitled brat hasn't even applied for a single job, why would he as he knows Mummy is a soft touch and will constantly send him money. They only way to get your son to pay his own way in life is for you to close your purse. You are not helping him, you are enabling him.

His accommodation is about £7000 a year. He was spending £100 a week on shopping, but I put a stop to that, told him £30-£40 at most! He did go out clubbing in the first three weeks, but hasn’t been since. He spent a few hundred quid on a Google smart watch, which I was cross about. But then he reminds me that he’s an adult and can do what he likes with his money.

I envisioned him thinking that he wouldn’t take out the full loan this year as he had £8000. That he could pay off his accommodation with that and have £1000 left to pay for uni essentials with. That he could take out a much smaller loan, just to ensure he had enough for food.

That has obviously not happened. It’s upsetting to me. But it’s done now. I can only control what happens going forward. Lesson learned.

Oh don’t. He was originally going to study Cyber Security, but swapped.
I don’t want to think about it.

Apart from wages difference, him having enough etc… you need to start treating him like an adult.
He CHOSE to blow the money (and a lot of money!!) on things that weren’t essential.
He CHOSE to take the max loan.
He might well CHOSE to have a hol.

Thats up to him. He’ll pay for the consequence next year when there will be no money left to fall onto.

fwiw I took dc on hols last year. He was very grateful that I proposed him to go away together for a few days. He would never have expected us to pay for HIS hols!!

not going on £2k holidays several times a year, while having your rent and living expensive covered, and having not one, but two expensive computers and brand new gadgets, is in no, way, shape or form, having "money worries," ffs, and it's actually quite insulting to the students who are struggling to suggest that if you don't support him he will somehow be on the breadline.

If him "struggling for money" is not going on an expensive holiday to New York, he'll be fine,
At absolute worst he'll have to be less fussy about what jobs he applies for and/or sell the PS5.

On the other hand, if you keep bailing him out now and he never learns to manage his finances then at some point as an adult he might indeed get into real debt - as a pp have said, salaries for media studies grads aren't great. There's a real possibility that on a low wage without an £11k maintenance loan coming in every year and a lot more bills (including SL repayments going out) he will have significantly less disposable income working full time than he has as a student and unless you're planning to subsidise him for the rest of your life, at some point he'll have to learn to not spend more than he earns - the more you get used to luxuries like holidays and electronics the more they come to seem like essentials, not luxuries.

DS will be told that the £2000 is for the uni trip and I won’t pay a penny more towards it, so if he wastes the money, then that’s it. I know I have to be cruel to be kind now.

I always thought that if I had the money, why wouldn’t I help him out. But I’ve learned that the more you give, the more they expect.

I feel better about saying no now though.

He will just need to learn the hard way about budgeting! You have already given him so much more than some parents do. Now he will have to learn money doesn't grown on trees and you can only spend it once.

No. He needs to learn. He needs to get a job. You’re already sending him weekly money for clothes (how many clothes does he need?) and shopping. He has a maximum loan. My parents would not have been giving me a single penny if I was in that state when I was his age.

It doesn’t sound like he put much effort into looking as he already had cash coming. My DS got a part time job at M and S worked all the way through from 16 to when he finished. Uni . Has he tried there?

He’s never getting a job whilst you’re bank rolling him.

I feel better about saying no now though.

Good!!
I think it’s also a question about boundaries.
My DCs were told that this was the money they have and need to make do with it, incl hols etc…
In the first year when they were paying accommodation on a term basis, money was made available to them just before the payment was due. No risk of it being blown off 😆😆. Then they learn to budget for the rest. Incl the many outings (both heavily involved in outdoors sports).
Youll have to say No. But also be clear on what he has to budget. No more ‘ads on’ for shopping. I’d either say No or say you’ll give him £30 each week (or £120 each month). Then up to him to handle it.

fwiw as a student, my parents started to give me money on an ad hoc basis. I found it really hard. Whereas knowing how much I had was much easier to handle

This was the point I was trying to make but couldn’t think how to word it.

The loan whether it is the minimum or the maximum only has a bearing if they are predicted to be high earners.

I would stop worrying about the loan amount if I was you.

For context. My DS got 7k when he was 18 too. He went to Uni 3 weeks after his 18th. He now has 11k in savings and investments in his second year of Uni (now 19 years old). As soon as he turned 18 I helped him open a LISA, stocks and shares ISA, cash ISA, high interest instant access emergency fund savings cash account, premium bonds, student credit card and credit file free subscription. He rounds up his debit card spending into his stocks and shares isa and also pays in £2 a week! This investment has grown with the stock market. We are not rich or wealthy and honestly I am no financial whizz I just researched what I could do to help him invest this money. He has taken this on board and is very budget minded now, better than me!

Help your son invest his remaining 2k.

Help him with financial advice not just what he should be spending his money on.